Dodie Smith - I Capture the Castle

once, on a circular canvas"--and then she couldn't remember who Natasha was.

I was most sympathetic with her over Father, but rather quick about it, because I wanted to write my journal. I only managed an hour before

lunch but was able to work all afternoon, up in the attic. Stephen

came to me there when he got back from Four Stones.

My heart sank as he held out a folded paper-I had been hoping he had

outgrown bringing me poems. He stood waiting for me to read it.

After the first line I realized that it was his own work this time-it was about me, sitting on the stairs at Scoatney while the others

danced. I was wondering what I could say about it, when he snatched it away and tore it up.

"I know it's dreadful," he said.

I told him it wasn't dreadful at all.

"Some of it rhymed splendidly, Stephen. And it's your very own. I like it much better than the ones you copied out." I felt it was an opportunity to stop him copying again.

"I didn't exactly copy them," he said, not looking at me.

"I always changed words in them. I didn't mean to be dishonest,

Cassandra- it was just that nothing of my own seemed good enough."

I said I understood perfectly but he must always write his own poems in future. And I advised him not even to imitate other people's poems.

"I know you made up every word of this last one," I told him, "but it was still a bit like Herrick- all that part about lilies and roses and violets. You didn't really see them in the hall last night there were only white tulips."

"I bet Herrick didn't see all the flowers he wrote about," said Stephen, grinning.

"And the only rhyme I could find for tulips was "blue lips."" I laughed and told him there were more important things than rhymes--"Lots of good poetry doesn't have them at all. The main thing is to write what you really feel."

"Oh, I couldn't do that," he said.

"No, that would never do."

"But why not, Stephen his Of course it would do."

"No, it wouldn't," he said, and smiled straight in front of him as if he were thinking of some private joke. It reminded me of that evening months ago when we were putting saucepans under the drips--he had

smiled in just the same private way.

"Stephen," I said, "do you remember-why, it was the very night the Cottons first came here! Do you remember looking out of this window

and saying: "Beginnings are good times"?"

He nodded.

"But I wasn't expecting any Cottons," he said, glumly.

"Did you dance with them last night ?"

"I tried once with Neil."

"People look awful dancing--I'd be ashamed. You'd never do it like that one who calls herself Leda, would you ?"

"I'd never dance so well," I said.

"But I know what you mean.

She does rather drape herself over her partners, doesn't she? You

aren't going to let her photograph you, are you?"

I said it most casually, not as if I minded at all. To my surprise, he put on his wooden look- which is quite different from his daft look.

The daft look is hazy, dreamy; the wooden look is obstinate to the

point of sulkiness. It is a look he gives Rose sometimes, but I

couldn't remember his ever turning it on me.

"I might," he said.

"If people want to throw their money about."

"But surely you'd hate it, Stephen ?"

"It might be worth hating it to earn five guineas.

Five guineas would be almost enough" he broke off and turned away to go downstairs.

"Enough for what ?" I called after him.

"Oh for- for lots of things," he said, without turning round.

"Five guineas is more than I can save in a year."

"But you were so sure you wouldn't do it last night."

He looked back as he went round the curve of the little attic

staircase, his head just above the level of the floor.

"P'raps I will, p'raps I won't," he said maddeningly and went on down.

A voice in my head said "I'm damned if you're going to sit for Leda Fox-Cotton." Then the bell rang for tea so I followed him down.

Topaz had boiled half the ham. She said it would go further if we

didn't cut it until it was quite cold, but Thomas insisted he has been very possessive about that ham. We all fanned it with newspapers until the last moment. It was wonderful, of course ham with mustard is a

meal of glory.

Miss Marcy came after tea, to hear all about the party. She told me

Mrs. Fox-Cotton's photographs are very well known; they get reproduced in magazines. She particularly remembered one of a girl hiding behind a giant shell with the shadow of a man coming towards her.

"And one got the impression that he was wearing-well, nothing, which surprised me rather because one doesn't often see photographs being as artistic as paintings, does one his But there, he probably had a

bathing suit on all the time it would hardly show on a shadow, would it

?"

I laughed I do adore darling Miss Marcy. But I was all the more

determined Stephen shouldn't go near the Fox-Cotton woman.

The next morning Topaz, Rose and I went into King's Crypt with the

twenty pounds the Vicar gave for the collie dog rug and bought my first grown-up dress--pale green linen;

Rose had a pink one. Topaz said she didn't need anything herself--and anyway, she looks most unnatural in ready made clothes. I got some

white shoes and a pair of practically silk stockings. If anyone asked me to a garden-party I could go.

When we got home we found Father hadn't eaten the lunch Topaz had left for him and wasn't anywhere in the castle. He turned up about nine

o'clock and said he had bicycled over to Scoatney--apparently Simon had given him the run of the library while they were away. I asked if he

had read anything particularly interesting.

"Oh, mostly American magazines--and some critical essays," he said.

"I'd forgotten how advanced American criticism is."

Topaz said she would get him a meal, but he told her he'd had luncheon and dinner.

"It seems Mrs. Cotton left instructions that I'm to be fed when I go there." He went off to the gatehouse looking rather smug.

I retired to the attic and went on with this journal.

When I came down to the kitchen again Stephen was writing on an

opened-out sugar bag. He went scarlet when he saw me and crumpled the sugar bag up. Just then Topaz came in from the garden wearing Aunt

Millicent's black cloak and no stockings or shoes. I guessed she'd had one of her nude sessions.

"Thank heaven Nature never fails me," she said as she stumped upstairs.

When I turned round Stephen was poking the sugar bag down into the

fire.

"Was it another poem ?" I asked- I feel I ought to encourage him now he is writing his own poems.

"Why did you burn it ?"

"Because it wouldn't do at all," he said, still very red in the face.

He stared at me for a second, then suddenly dashed out into the garden.

I waited for him, sitting by the fire with About and Hcl, but he didn't come back.

When I went upstairs, Rose was sitting up in bed varnishing her nails; the varnish had been her special treat out of the Vicar's money --I

had lavender soap.

"You're using that too soon," I said.

"The Cottons won't be back for twelve days yet."

Little did I think we should see them again in only four days.

Yesterday was the first of May. I love the special days of the

year-St. Valentine's, Hallowe'en; Midsummer Eve most of all. A May

Day that feels as it sounds is rare and, when I leaned out of the

bedroom window watching the moat ruffled into sparkles by a warm

breeze, I was as happy as I have ever been in my life. I knew it was

going to be a lucky day.

It certainly made a false start before breakfast.

Father came down in his best dark suit that he hasn't worn for years.

Rose and I gaped at him, and Topaz stopped stirring the porridge to

say: "Mortmain-what on earth--?"

"I'm going up to London," said Father, shortly.

"What for?" we all said together; which made it rather loud.

"Business," said Father, even louder, and went out of the kitchen banging the door.

"Don't worry him, don't ask questions," whispered Topaz. Then she turned to me, looking miserable.

"Do you think he's going to see her-Mrs. Cotton?"

"Surely he couldn't--not without being asked," I said.

"Oh, yes he could," said Rose.

"Look at him, going to Scoatney three days running, letting the

servants feed him grubbing about in the books and magazines! I tell

you he'll end by putting them off ."

"It wasn't him who put them off us last time," said Topaz, angrily.

I saw there were going to be high words so I went through into the

drawing-room. Father was sitting on the window-seat polishing his

shoes with the curtain. When he got up he was covered with Heloise's

white hairs from the seat-pad.

"Is there no place a man in a dark suit can sit in this house?" he shouted as he went to the hall for the clothes-brush.

"Not unless we dye Hcl black," I said. I brushed him; but what with the brush having lost most of its bristles, his suit having lost most of its nap and Heloise having lost more hairs than seemed believable, the result was poor. Topaz came to say that breakfast was ready, but

he said he would miss his train if he waited for it.

"Don't fuss don't fuss," he said when she begged him to have just something. Then he pushed past her in the rudest way and grabbed

Rose's bicycle because his own had a flat tyre.

"When will you be back ?" Topaz called after him.

He yelled over his shoulder that he hadn't the faintest idea.

"What is the matter with him ?" said Topaz as we walked back across the garden.

"I know he's always been moody but not bad-tempered like this. It's been getting worse ever since we went to Scoatney."

"Perhaps it's better than heavy resignation," I suggested, trying to be comforting.

"He was shockingly bad-tempered when we were little- when he was writing. You know about Mother and the cake knife

Topaz looked suddenly hopeful.

"He can massacre me if it'll really help him," she said. Then the light died out of her eyes.

"But I'm no good to him. It's that woman who's started him."

"Gracious, we don't know if anything's started him," I said.

"We've had so many false alarms. Where did he get the money to go to London ?"

She said she had given him five pounds of the Vicar's rug money.

"Though I didn't think he'd spend it on seeing her." Then she added nobly: "I suppose I oughtn't even to mind that, if she stimulates him."

Rose came out of the kitchen with a slice of bread and jam, and passed us without a word--I gathered she and Topaz had had a very sharp row

while I was brushing Father. We found that the porridge was

burnt--than which there can be few less pleasing forms of food; and

what with this and Topaz's mood of gloom, we had a depressing meal.

(the boys, of course, had gone off earlier;

after a hammy breakfast.) "I shall go and dig until I find peace," said Topaz, when we had done the washing-up and made the beds.

I felt she would find it better alone and I wanted to write in my

journal; I had finished the evening at Scoatney but there were some

reflections about life I wanted to record. (i never did record them

and have now forgotten what they were.) As I settled myself down on

Belmotte mound, I saw Rose going along the lane with Mrs.

Stebbins's crinoline; Stephen had brought word that the old lady was

fretting for it. He had refused to take it back for Rose because he