DIANE DUANE - A Wizard Alone

You regonna say that you didn t know everything that d be involved in being a nurse, when you were eight, Kit said. And right then being a nurse mostly looked to you like a pink plastic kit with a toy stethoscope and a toy thermometer in it. But you decided, anyway, because you wanted to help people. So when you were old enough you went to nursing school, and look, now you re a nurse. And it s not so bad.Right

His mother looked at him.

That s what it s like to be a wizard, Kit said. I promise,I ll keep letting you know what it looks like as I get older. But when I signed up, I knew this was what I wanted to do. I knew right away. Sure, it gets more complicated as you go on. But doesn t everything

His mama gave him a long look. Then she smiled again, very slowly, and just half a smile: the kind of expression she gave his pop when she was admitting he d been right about something, but didn t want to admit it out loud. You should finish up your last piece of toast, she said. And don t forget to rinse the plate.

She went to get dressed. Kit smiled nearly the same slow half smile, pulled the plate back, finished his toast, and then left for school.

At lunchtime, after he d finished eating, Kit headed out to the front of the school for a breath of fresh air, and was irrationally pleased to see Nita out there waiting for him, in the parking lot, not too far from the doors.

He walked over to her, and together they strolled off some distance through the parking lot, away from the crowd of kids who always seemed to be standing around the main doors, watching who came in and went out, and who seemed to be doing what with whom. It was a game that Kit found both boring and dumb, but a lot of his classmates seemed to spend most of their time at it, so Kit enjoyed frustrating it as much as he could.

How re you doing he said.

Nita frowned. Okay, she said, but somethingweird s going on.

Kit couldn t recall Nita having said that she felt okay for weeks now, and the sound of it encouraged him, but at the same time he didn t dare get too excited about it. Like what

They paused by the chain-link fence that defined the school s boundary on the north side of the parking lot. On the other side of the fence was a cypress hedge too thick to see through, thick enough that it put hopeful green fronds through the fence; Nita idly took hold of one of these and ran it through her fingers while she told Kit about the strange dream she d had. Everything s supposed to understand the Speech, she said at last, when she d given him all the details. At least in theory

I don t thinkit s theory, Kit said. Everything that wasmade, was made using the Speech. Not being understood when you speak it is about as likely as matter not understanding gravity. Or light not understanding light speed.

Nita shook her head and looked out into the day as if seeing something at a great distance. I know, she said. But knowing the Speech also usually helps you understand what s being said and it s sure not doing the job for me at the moment.

Really weird, Kit said. You have any idea what s going on

Nita heaved a long sigh and bounced her shoulders idly against the fence a couple of times. I think that dream at least, and maybe another one I had a few days ago, were alien intelligences trying to get hold ofDairine .

Kit had to blink. That happento her a lot

Nita nodded. On and off, she said. It s mostly to do with her relationship with the mechanical sort of wizards the computer intelligences and so on. She keeps getting feelers from life-forms that are half machine and halforganic, and from a lot of the silicon-based types some that I can t make anything of. She told me she s been doing a lot of work mediating between organic and inorganic lifestyles, way out at the edge of the universe, andit s specialized stuff. It even givesher trouble sometimes, translating between the ways they see life and the way we see it. Nita sighed. So it s no surprise that I don t understand contacts from these guys right off the bat I mean, as a species, in terms of their feelings and motivations and so on. But I should at least be able to understand them when they communicate about very basic things. And until now, I ve always been able to. This last one, though

Kit waved a hand to stop her. Time out for a minute. Why didn tDairine take this contact, if it was her they were trying to reach

Dairinewasn t up for it last night, Nita said. She let out a long breath. Or most nights lately. Kit, she and my mom were even closer than Mom and Iwere , in some ways. She s taking everything a lot harder than I am. She s been missing a lot of school, and my dad s really worried about it. Nita s expression was that of someone purposefully putting a painful subject to one side. Anyway, she was asleep when the call came, and she didn t wake up to take it, the way she usually would. She was too tired, or else she just didn t want to. So I got it, somehow or other. But I couldn t understand it.

Kit shook his head. You mean,whoever was on the other end wasn t using the Speech

Nita shook her head. No, it was.But not the usual way. It was almost like it didn t know it was speaking: There was something I don t know accidental about the communication. Like whoever it was hadn t actually meant to call.Except it also felt kind of urgent.

Kit shook his head. Were you able to get a location, a place of origin

Just a sense that it was somewhere way, way out at the edge. I didn t have time for a proper trace, Nita said. It didn t last long enough. Besides, I was asleep myself at the time. Maybe the trouble was that the message got garbled with something I was dreaming. But normally I would have woken up when something like that came in.

You were tired, too, Kit said.

Nita sighed. I m tired all the time, she said. It s just part of the depression, the shrink says. It ll go away someday.

What a big help, Kit muttered.

Nita laughed then, an oddly wistful sound that startled Kit. No, she said. Really, it is a help. Knowing that someday itwill go away makes it a little easier now. Not a lot but every little bit helps, at the moment.

So you got a call from the outer limits, Kit said. And you re not sure what it was about But at least a little of its message got through.

Not a whole lot, Nita said. I m just hoping it calls back and either getsDairine this time, or gets me when I m awake and can make something out of what it s saying. She leaned against the fence. If the first message was from the same person, or people, it didn t make sense, either. At least not beyond I can t get off.

I can t get off Kit thought about it,then shook his head. Maybe it s just one of those situations where your brain takes a really alien concept and makes the best translation it can until you have more nformation.

I really don t know, Nita said. I m going to sit down with the manual later and see if I can find something that ll throw some light on why I m not able to understand more clearly what s coming through.

It couldn t have anything to do with You know.

Nita shook her head. I don t think so. I think this is just something different that I need to grow into learning how to do. It s not like even people who vebeen wizards for a long time knowevery word in the Speech. I may just need to do some vocabulary building. She shrugged, glanced absently at her watch: The lunch period would be over shortly. More research How about you, though She looked up again. I saw yourlisting, and Tom s note on it. You found the kid you were looking for

Yeah, but not so that I could make any real contact with him.Another weird situation.

He told Nita in words, and a few images shared mind to mind, about where he had found Darryl and lost him again. At the sight of the indistinct shape twisting in a halo oflightnings , and the Lone Power standing there watching in the shadows, Nita sucked in a soft, concerned breath, and shook her head. Poor guy, she said.

Poor him, yeah, and poor me, if our old friend had decided to shiftIts interest elsewhere, Kit said. I could have used you there, if only for moral support.

Nita looked at the ground for a few moments. Are you sure I d do you much good at this point she said. I m not exactly stable right now. If I lost my grip in the middle of something important, I don t know what I d do afterward.

Kit wasn t sure what to say to that. Nita was too good a wizard to understate or overstate the problem. If she wasn t confident enough to work actively at the moment, maybe she was wiser to sideline herself somewhat until she feltmore sure of herself. That certainty of what to do and how to do it had saved them both more than once.If her certainty should fail at a crucial moment

Your call,Neets , Kit said. I don t want to push you.

If you really need me, Nita said, all you have to do is yell. You know I ll be there in a second, if I can figure out how to get to where you are.

Ponchcan find you, Kit said. He grinned. I m beginning to think there s not much hecan t find if I can just figure out how to ask him for it.

Nita nodded. Over at the school building, the end-of-period bell rang. Let me know when you re going to go looking for him again, Nita said. At least I can keep the time free for you if you do need me for something.

Right.And let me know what you find out about your mystery messages. The two of them started to walk back toward the school doors. It d be funny if it s some rogue intelligence trying to figure out whether it s okay to invade the Earth. Whatever you do, don t give them our address.

The way things are going in my life at the moment, Nita said, it s more likely to be some alien kid making crank calls, or trying to order a pizza. And she actually smiled slightly.

Kit punched her lightly in the arm, and went to his next class.

Nita walked home from school that afternoon with the robot problem still very much occupying her mind. She foundDairine sitting outside on the back steps, staring idly down the driveway.

Dad didn t come back early Nita said.

Dairineshook her head as Nita got out her house key. What re you doing out here Nita said.

Her sister gave her a look. Didn t seem to be much point in going into the house when you ve left a live teleport spell going.

Nita opened the door. Dairine, she said, maybe I m cruel, but I m not a sadist. Besides, why waste energy The spell expired at the end of your school day.

They went in. Nita hung up her parka and went to the fridge to find something to eat.Dairine stood there looking out the back door as she took off her own coat. Close the door. You re going to let all the heat out, Nita said. So how did the meeting with the principal go

Dairinerolled her eyes. I made an agreement with him and Dad to stop cutting, if that s what you re asking about, she said, closing the door. She went through the kitchen toward the living room.

That s not exactly what I was asking about, Nita said. What about Dad How did he handle it

He was okay, Dairine said from the living room.

There was something about her sister s tone of voice that made Nita forget about food for the moment. She went into the living room after her. Was he upset Nita said.

No, Dairine said.

He should have been, Nita said.

If things were normal, he probably would have been. But nothingis normal.

Dairinesat down very abruptly on a hassock in front of one of the easy chairs. Neets, she said, so softly that Nita could barely hear her, school sucks. It sucks so completely that even the Speech barely has words for it. It doesn t feel like any of itmatters anymore. And everyone who looks at me is thinking either Poor little kid or She sjust trying to get sympathy by looking so sad; why doesn t she just get over it If I can t actually hear them thinking it, I can see it in their faces. Every day of this is like Chinese water torture. The seconds just fall on your head one after another, and every one is just like the last one. The minutes just crawl by, and nothing gets better. Everything just keeps hurting. And you have to sit there, in the middle of all this meaningless junk, and put up with it, and act like it matters. Likeanything matters.