DIANE DUANE - A Wizard Alone

You want to bargain, It said.

Ourterms, Darryl said. Not yours.

What s the price for my freedom It said at last.

Oncethey leave, they stay unharmed, Darryl said. No more than your usual attentions in the future. If you refuse, you stay in here with me until I die and I chase you around and around forever.

It stood there, silent, brooding. But you stay here, even if I go It said.

This is my world, Darryl said. Where else would I go I ll stay here.

Nita and Kit looked at each other in shock.

I can still make something of this place, with time, Darryl said. Everything has its price. I ll stay.

The Lone Power s face was expressionless. On the Oath, and in Life s name, you say it

Darryl! Nita cried.

Don t! Kit cried in the same moment.

On my Oath, Darryl said, very deliberately, and in the One s name, I say it.

The Lone Power stood there, staring at the floor. Then, slowly,It began to smile.

Fooled, It said. Fooled again.

It started to chuckle. You ve bound yourself to my will after all, It said. What makes you think that just because you cast me out once, you can do it again Manipulate your world s kernel as you please. I have something better to manipulate. Entropy is my tool. I ll wear away at the fringes of this place, at the edges of your life, until sooner or later you let your guard over the kernel s parameters drop. I ll be in here again within seconds. Then you ll still be trapped here forever and I ll stay here with you, making every moment a torment, and reminding you every second of the rest of your life of the price of mocking the Eldest. Despair now, for you won t have time later.

I ll get around to the despair thing when I m good and ready, Darryl said. Meantime, get your butt out of my world.

It gave them an ironic bow. Once again, It said to Nita, despite all the brave words, you ve gotten someone else to save your little life at his expense. One of these days, someone will refuse you. I ll be waiting for you then. And for you, It said, glancing at Kit, when she betrays you at last.

Out, Darryl said.

It looked from one to another of them. ButIt looked hardest and most cruelly at Darryl. Don t get too comfortable here, It said. I ll be along any day.

AndIt was gone.

They stood there, in the sudden silence, staring at each other.

Then, as if by prearranged signal, they all began to laugh.

Oh,Neets ! Kit said, and he grabbed her and swung her around. What a bluff! You were terrific!

Nita was laughing, too, but there was an edge of pain on the laughter. I m not sure I was bluffing, she said. I was just so angry right then that I believed it.

You must have, Kit said. There s no lying in the Speech. But Darryl

He turned to Darryl in concern. That s the problem for you, guy. You promised to stay here.

I did, Darryl said.

Nita let out a long, unhappy breath.

But this isn t the only place I can be at the same time, Darryl said softly.

Nita s head jerked up.

I thought I was hallucinating at first, Darryl said. Now I know it s no hallucination. When the two of you started coming into my worlds, I was with you both at once. He shook his head. I don t know if this is something most wizards can do

It snot , Kit and Nita said simultaneously.

But it s real useful, Kit said after a moment, intrigued. Just think. If you were

Kit, maybe we should save it for later, Nita said. This was a line of reasoning she didn t want him to go too far down just now. Why don t we all get out of here first

Darryl looked at Nita in shock. But I can t leave, Darryl said. The Ordeal isn t over.

Nita looked at Kit, wondering if he d realized the truth yet. From his blank look, it seemed he hadn t. Then she looked at Darryl, and laughed out loud for sheer delight.

Sure it is! Nita said. You passed your Ordealweeks ago! You passed it the minute you managed to say the Oath.

Remember how you had to fight to get it out, word by word, phrase by phrase Kit said, slowly starting to grin. How you kept losing it, forgetting it, having to start over again and again

That was the Lone One interfering, Darryl said softly. He was wearing a listening look, as the Silence spoke to him.

Slowly, his face changed, and the joy in it was so dazzling that Nita found it hard to bear, and had to look away.

That was the real battle, he said. And I won it! I won

Nita had to smile, and for the first time in a long time, the smile didn t feel like it would crack her face.

Kit looked at Nita in some surprise. I thought the Lone One only starts noticing a wizard when he first says the Oath.

That s how it is for most of us, Nita said. But it looks like not all Ordeals are alike. She was still treading cautiously around anything that would get too close to the subject ofabdals , until she could get Kit somewhere private and give him the lowdown.I m pretty sure that since the Lone Power knew Darryl was anabdal , It wanted to keep him from taking the Oath any way It could, because who could tell how powerful he might become once he was a wizard Maybe that s even why Darryl became autistic in the first place; maybe the Lone One did that to him. But I d better not get into that just now

And just the act of saying the Oath, accepting it, for someone autistic Nita looked at Darryl with renewed admiration. You have to accept the concept of theOther , that thereare others, to do it at all. It must have been like eating broken glass.

Darryl stood there looking as if a whole new world was opening up before him, as if his past pain was retreating into the shadows. Itwas hard, he said. The whole Oath is about doing things for other people

But,Neets , Kit said. Your manual, Tom s, mine, they all say that Darryl s still stuck in his Ordeal.

Becausehe hadn t realized it was over, Nita said. And because he just kept hitting the reset button in his brain, and losing his sense of self over and over again to keep the Lone One trapped in here, he never hadtime to let himself realize it. So his manual, the Silence, stayed stuck, too, and it couldn t update to the manual network outside.

Nita nodded. The ones you couldn t look at, the ones you were afraid of because you sawIt in their eyes, you had to promise the One and the Powers That Be that you would come out and do stuff forthem . What could possibly have been harder

This, Darryl said.

Nita and Kit glanced at each other.

That, Darryl said, changing his mind. In here it s been safe. In here I never have to look, never have to be afraid I ll see what might be there.Rejection.The one who sees me and doesn twant to look back. Because he s bored with me, or I ve hurt him, or

I will put aside fear for courage, Kit said.

And death for life, Nita said, very softly. She swallowed. When it s right to do so. She was silent for a moment,then said, If it isn t right now, then when will it be

We need you out in the real world with us, guy, Kit said. We need all the wizards we can get now more than ever. Entropy s running

But I can t go out there! Darryl cried. It s in me! If I go out there,It ll be loose in the world in the worst possible way!

Nita s heart squeezed inside her. It s loose out there already, she said. Yourcoming out, or not coming out, won t make the slightest difference tothat . You can die withIt at the bottom of your heart, out in the world with the rest of us, or you can die with It at the bottom of your heart, in here, alone.

He stood there, silent, his eyes averted.

It sbetter not to do it alone, Nita said.

Darryl didn t look up.

There s strength in numbers, Darryl, Kit said. It s easy to forget that. He glanced at Nita a little shamefacedly. She gave him an amused look and raised her eyebrows. He turned back to Darryl. There are a whole lot of us out in the world, givingIt a hard time.

You were real good at doing that just when you were stuck inside and didn t have any clues about how the rest of us manage it. Come on out and give It a run forIts money! When you get right down to the bottom of it, that s nearly all we do. Which wizardries we use to do it that s the cool part.

Darryl was silent for a long while. Eventually he looked up again, and as Darryl slowly started to let himself believe that this was the right thing to do, that innocent joy and delight in life simply poured off him, so that once more Nita had to brace herself against it.

She saw Kit wobble, too. OnlyPonch stood there untroubled, wagging his tail.

All right, Darryl said. I ll come.

Ponchstarted to bark for joy.

Nita had to smile. But one thing, Nita said, glancing at the kernel, before you do anything final with that.

Darryl looked up at her, confused.

If you have to leave part of you here, Nita said, think aboutwhich part you might leave.

Darryl looked at her in confusion. Which part he said. I know I can be in both places withall of me, but splitting parts off

Don t make reasons you can t do stuff, Darryl, Kit said. Find reasons youcan .

Youmade this world, Nita said. That s powerful stuff. And you can make the rules in here. You made them so strongly, without even being clear on what you were doing, that the Lone Power Itself got stuck in here with you and couldn t get out until you letIt .

NowIt s gone and you re fully conscious, with the operating system for your own universe in your hands. You re not just inside the game anymore: You re outside it, too, now you re in control of it when you ve got the kernel. Even from in here, you can make this world anything you want!

Darryl looked from Nita to Kit, and slowly, surmise dawned in his eyes.

The autism

Why not You started ditching it the first chance you got, Nita said. You ditched it on Kit, for example.

Darryl looked embarrassed. I didn t mean to

Darryl, I know you didn t mean it personally, Kit said. It s okay. You were doing a sane thing, getting rid of it! Then he glanced at Nita. I still don t knowwhy you didn t get it.

It could have been that a lot more boys are autistic than girls, Nita said. Or that Darryl and I already had something in common.

She wouldn t say it out loud. She didn t have to.

The pain, Darryl said silently.The pain of being alone.

Nita had to glance away.

Yeah, Darryl said. But giving it up He looked distressed. I don t know if I can! It s part of me.

So Kit said. Is it a part you need

No!Darryl said.

And then he fell silent.

I hearabut coming, Nita said.

I don t know if I know how to live without it, Darryl said.

They were all silent for a few breaths.

It show I stood being alive, Darryl said. It show Ididn t have to see the Lone Power at the bottom of everyone s soul, all the time. If I go back without it, I m going to have to see that.Every day. Every time I look at mymom, or my dad

Believe me, Nita said, very softly, I d look at my mom all day and every day no matter how muchIt looked out of her, if she were here to look at. Some things are a lot more important than others, Darryl.

We all seeIt sometimes, Kit said. We all run intoIt every day, in the people we know, in the things that happen around us. There s no escape. That s life. That s Life: what we serve. It s worth it.

Darryl was silent. I don t know if I can stand how much it s going to hurt, he said. I might lose it. I might fall back into being that way and that would kill my folks.

I m guessing your folks are tougher than you think, Nita said, remembering the voices she d heard on the way in. Give them a chance. Give yourself a chance. If it does happen She grinned. You re a wizard. Listen to the Silence. Pick yourself up and do what it tells you. You ll get out again because you re tough, too.Tougher than you think.