Nikolay Lakutin - 4 turns. A play for 5 people. Comedy

Attention! ALL COPYRIGHTS TO THE PLAY ARE PROTECTED BY THE LAWS OF RUSSIA, INTERNATIONAL LEGISLATION, AND BELONG TO THE AUTHOR. ITS PUBLICATION AND REPUBLICATION, REPRODUCTION, PUBLIC PERFORMANCE, TRANSLATION INTO FOREIGN LANGUAGES, MAKING CHANGES TO THE TEXT OF THE PLAY WHEN STAGED WITHOUT THE WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR IS PROHIBITED. THE PRODUCTION OF THE PLAY IS POSSIBLE ONLY AFTER THE CONCLUSION OF A DIRECT CONTRACT BETWEEN THE AUTHOR AND THE THEATER.

A dramatic comedy for 5 people in two acts.

Duration is 2 hours, taking into account the interval of 15-20 minutes.

An explanatory note for the directors is attached at the end of the play.

Actors.

Lida

Grisha

Policeman

Nina

Glory.

A forest clearing surrounded by a dense forest. Evening. Thick twilight. A drunken Lida comes out. She is wearing a dirty, torn wedding dress in some places. Slightly staggering. She has a blissful smile on her face. There is a huge black eye under the eye. In one hand she holds a vodka bottle with some pathetic remnants at the bottom, in the other hand she has a thick rope that drags behind her.

Lida (to the viewer, familiarly). Hello… (Winks, smiles, waves his hand, in which he barely holds the bottle.) Well…? How's life…? Is it okay? (He pauses.) But I have something somehow not very. It's probably not hard to guess from my appearance, right? (Hesitantly takes a few steps, takes a sip from his throat, throws the bottle aside.) And it's my birthday today!

Hiccups.

Lida (to the viewer, familiarly, intricately, slurring her tongue). Yeah. Chesssttttt word. (Looks at his watch.) But no, it's not honest, sorry. Now it turns out that my birthday was yesterday. (Sighs heavily) Thirty-five chopped. (Nods) Yes, yes… Thirty-five! And you thought how much? Twenty-nine? (smiles, looks to the other side of the hall) Twenty-six? (turns his gaze to the third part of the hall) Forty? (he winces unpleasantly in his face). I'm thirty-five. And I don't have a baby… or a kitten… My relatives don't understand me, I have friends… Not anymore. (Sits down on the ground / stage, more precisely flopping) Were, but… everyone got married…, bitches. In general, they are all not up to me right now. And here I am alone… All alone… Remember how it is there… who's there? I do not remember… (quotes) "Good girl Lida! In desperation, he wrote." Desperate!!! All right. All about me. By the way, let's get acquainted – Lida! (He puts out his hand, greeting the audience).

He rises, trying to keep his balance.

Lida (to the viewer). Well okay… We met…, talked… It's time and honor to know.

Pulls up the rope, looks around, finds a tree, chooses a stronger twig. Aiming, trying to throw a rope on a branch so that it is tied or hooked. But she can't do anything. However, the girl is persistent in her attempts. After catching her breath and swearing exclusively with facial expressions, she continues her hard work again.

Grisha comes on stage. He's wearing a tuxedo. Dressed very well, expensive. Clean, shaved, but drooping himself. In one hand he has a "half cup" of lemonade, in the other – the same thick rope that drags along the stage behind him. Lida doesn't see him. He, in turn, does not see Lida.

The focus of the light shifts to Grisha. He carefully unscrews the bottle cap, takes a one-time cup out of his pocket, pours a drink there, drinks, puts the cup in his pocket, tightens the lid, puts the bottle on the ground /stage.

Grisha (to himself, tragically, thoughtfully). That's it, Grishka is missing… Remember your name.

He pulls the rope to himself in a doomed manner, immediately throws it on his hand with rings and purposefully turns to the tree, taking a few steps, at which Lida is still trying to do something.

Grisha freezes in a frenzy when he sees this picture. He is outraged.

Grisha (loudly, indignantly). Hey, citizen?

Lida turns around waddling in a kind of inadequacy.

Lida. Opanki… Healthy! Look at what a handsome man has drifted into such a thicket… listen, buddy, aren't you a rapist by any chance?

Grisha (indignantly). What? Me? Are you out of your mind? No, of course not!

Lida (upset). Damn it! And then it broke off.

Lida turns back to the tree and continues trying to throw a rope on the branch.

Grisha (restrained). Citizen, I'm sorry…

Lida (without turning around, upset, interrupts). Yes, go, go…, I've already forgiven. You're not the first one who doesn't live up to my hopes.

Grisha. Yes, I'm not about that! (Thinks how to say) I… you… This is my tree! I took it forward!

Lida turns to the man with interest.

Lida. Don't you understand?

Grisha. I see… you have an event planned here. Could you spend it somewhere else? I looked at this tree for myself yesterday!

Lida. What do you mean?

Grisha. Well, I also have an event planned here. You see, I have approached this issue thoroughly. I chose a place away from people, a taller tree, a stronger twig. In general, I decided on this tree yesterday. This is my tree! Find yourself something else, please, and let me hang on to this!

Lida. Why all of a sudden? Right now! (swaying on his feet) I'm going to look for something somewhere. You can't see, and I'm already falling off my feet. (Indignantly, to the viewer) What kind of man went today? No respect for a woman. To the girl, by the way!!!

Grisha. Girl, you'll excuse me, but any knot here will withstand you, and I will have more weight. It's impossible to do that with a kondachka! The second time you already understand – it's not the mood at all, if anything …

Lida. Listen, you're my thorough. You go ahead… somewhere. I came first! I have to hang out here. That's it! The conversation is over!

Lida continues her attempts to throw a rope on a branch.

Grisha looks at it skeptically, steps aside – ironically observes.

Lida tries everything, but nothing comes out.

Grisha. Well, how long will I be here watching this one… creepy?

Lida turns wearily.

Lida (indignantly). Is there something else here? What are you waiting for? This isn't a theater for you! And there's nothing to see… He's watching here, you know…

Grisha. No, I just thought that since we can't come to a consensus on the choice of a place, then let everyone stay with their opinion… that's all.

Lida looks at the man as "a ram on a new gate."

Lida. Didn't you understand?

Grisha. If you're going to hang yourself, hang yourself! I'll wait. And then right there… side by side. The branch is strong, it will easily withstand the two of us.

Lida. What? Look what he wanted! I don't want to hang next to you! Come on…, get out of here! Businesslike, what was found.

Grisha. Well… you never know what you want… Here you want – you don't want, but you have to!

Lida (indignantly). Hey, what? (Lost in words and explanations) I… and… it's not enough that you and I are like two jerks swaying here!!! You never know what people will think!

Grisha. And don't you care who thinks what then?

Lida (indignantly). No! I just don't care! I have to hang alone, pathetic, misunderstood and unheard… and not companionable, and as someone might think – vicious!

Grisha. Curious… And why are you so unheard and misunderstood? Tell me, maybe I will understand and hear? So you look, and there will be no reason for the event …

Lida thinks. He glances furtively at Grisha.

Lida (with a sly smile). Aaaaaah. Have you decided to eliminate a competitor technically?

Grisha (evading a direct answer). How can I tell you… this may be a pleasant side effect, but in general, to be honest, I didn't think about it. Whether you hang out on this tree or not, it doesn't matter to me. I have decided to put my plan into execution, and I will do it! And nothing will stop me!

Lida puts aside the rope, sits down on the ground/stage.

Lida (with interest). Well, then you first.

Grisha. What am I?

Lida. What's that? First, you tell me what pushes such men in suits to commit suicide, and then I will. I'm the first one… (timidly) I'm shy.

Grisha looks at Lida with doubt.

Grisha (cheerfully, busily). Listen, maybe I'd better help you? Give me a string here, now I'll quickly bait it…

Grisha approaches Lida busily. But she removes the rope, it turns out a kind of cat-and-mouse game. Lida has a playful mood. Grisha is in full earnest, but he still fails to take the "tool of labor" from Lida.

A hysterical whistle signal is heard, which distracts the attention of Grisha and Lida.

An alarmed policeman runs in, in uniform with a shining flashlight in his hand. He looks intricately pleased.

The policeman (in the commanding voice of the whistleblower). So! What's going on here?

Grisha and Lida look at each other, think what to say, while both hold on to the rope, unable to divide it.

The policeman (with a satisfied voice of the winner, knowing what's what). Yeah. Well, well. Yes, I, as I look, warned the rape? (Grisha, strictly) Citizen, documents!

Grisha takes a moderately calm look, does not hurry to present documents.

Lida (to the policeman, calmly, with irony). Yes, whatever… Will you wait for him?

The policeman (in confusion). I didn't understand. And then what? What kind of string do you have in your hands here? Fighting, I saw. Noise. (Savoring the new version of what is happening) And … (Grisha) To decide, have you decided to divchin? Strangle, right? Your documents, please!

Grisha just opens his mouth to say something, but Lida is already speaking.

Lida (to the policeman, calmly, with irony). Yes, who else will decide who, if anything …

a policeman (in confusion, Lida). I didn't understand. In the sense of the opposite, or what? Are you his, citizen? I'll ask for your documents then!

Lida (to the policeman, calmly, with irony). Yes, no one is going to decide anything with anyone here – to decide!

The policeman (in confusion). And then what are you, let me be curious, doing?

Lida (to the policeman, thinking). We're here…

Grisha (confidently). We're pulling the rope!

Lida is delighted and looks admiringly at Grisha, then looks at the policeman, nods affirmatively to him.

Lida (to the policeman, confidently). Well of course. Don't you see? What else can we do here?

The policeman (in shock). Are you tug-of-war? You? Here? Now?

Lida (to the policeman, confidently). Well, yes, but what's the big deal?

Grisha (confidently). As far as I know, the law does not yet prohibit tug-of-war in the forest, and the time for this is not regulated by any legislation.

The policeman (scratching his head thoughtfully). Are you crazy?

Grisha and Lida (chorus, immediately in response). YES!

The policeman, startled by the unexpected sonorous answer, takes a step back, looks askance, incredulously at the couple.

The policeman (continuing to sniff). And you're here by the hour… you don't indulge in bookmarks, do you?

Grisha and Lida wave their heads negatively.

The policeman (continuing to sniff). Have you sipped the bulbulizer?

The policeman comically gestures, lighting up the bulbulizer, looking hopefully at the couple.

Grisha and Lida shake their heads negatively.

The policeman sighs weakly, and, with his hands on his hips, looks at the couple. Thinks. Lida and Grisha look at the policeman as if he were an idiot.

Policeman (sternly, squeezing out the last option). Are we eating vodka? Are we violating public order?