Nikita Kapernaumov - 2019: The most obsessive diary of a rejected Martin Eden in agony

( – ниже это путешествие на край ночи который я хэд нашёл в соулсике и хотел поделиться с дашей – )

Не прочитала ещё? Редкая аудиокнига, я долго нигде не находил, подумал вдруг нужна

нет тут никаких шпионских вирусов. это в соулсике есть у юзера gregallen. у него очень много, ещё из твоего мадам бовари и может чтото ещё редкое чего нет на рутрекерах всяких.

cloud.mail.ру/public/EkLy/A6uq5KuJm

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cloud.mail.ру/public/3AtH/M9NiKGjEi

cloud.mail.ру/public/852f/s4pTBVCV1

cloud.mail.ру/public/C4QH/o1pdvN7C6

cloud.mail.ру/public/CMm3/imqXmaAzv

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05 02 19 – записываю песни, группа санта круз, даша заблокировала

Wanted to add to the last message «although it shall hurt me». Why do i want to hurt myself? Maybe because i consider myself everybody’s treasure and having no satisfaction to my needs i will harm myself so that everubody pitied the fact. Well, i added it.

Evening

Checking my eysight all the time

Fuck i had a try of this damned rgfstg with vocal today and it’s just fucking crap. I’ve been depressed all since this try in the afternoon. Recording fucking gorkal all day. Still don’t seem to get any further with it. Somehow ednded up on one glammetal band, they are all there blonds, and they look kind of cool and in jeans and they fucking lay their guitars profeccionaly at their mid thirties but then i watched a video from a studio and the goddamned gunsnroses-like basists fucking speaks english as a native damn him. I so fucking dissapointed. ( – это по видимо было моё первое узнавание о гурппе санта круз из финляндии. я тогда ещё не знал что один из белобрысых гитаристов там – руский чел. а также я думал им по 25, когда в реале им 20, особено рускому, он вобще молодой. я ещё до сих пор не понимал как выглядят люди в каком возрасте – )

She hasnt been online on her tutor page, so still unread.

I must meet and know her real. Maybe she even is not especially alive ( – имел ввиду чтото типа frolic. образ весёлой шутливой юной девушки – ) and especially like me, as i imagine her. but i fucking must know it for sure to see it for myself. I cannot possibly move on and get interested in anybody as long as i do not know for sure that she’s not my kind.

Blocked. Fuck she didn’t even go to my page: no new view to the post on the wall. Fuck i shall kill chidren dammit

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06 02 19 morning. – записываю песни, вспоминаю, хочу к даше, страдаю

Finishing guitars for gorkal,

Fuck, these fucking women they don’t understand a thing, they to get another sex’s attention have only to stand with a sad face in the street men will flock about them consoling, whereas nobody gives a fuck if a man is sad. Except ugliest women. How i am sick of it. On awakening today again couldn’t go to sleep again to sleep enough for thinking on girls. to tears. I fucking want a girl

I need to fucking record and forget damned tdvot. I am fucking sick of that melody i need to do it and forget. Probably will be making after gorkal. I am sick of every of those songs they make me want to return those times and i can’t help feeling immensly sad. I am fucking depressed as fuck because of the passing of youth. This depression by the way all began a year ago when i was developing this concept of depressive nostalgic lyric and i regarded it then still as a just creative concept, but a year later, now all this depression got me for real

Fucking cunts. The are taking me to a clinyc. Morons. Back then in 2006. Fucking morons. And this fucking idiot my mum, she can’t speak a word, fucking depressive moron. Took offence from me at the time. Thought i held her an enemy and them friends. Stupid fucking bitch. She had money she could get rid me of school, of army of anything. It’s those fucking morons from zavodskoy that interupted and arranged going to the clinyc, fucking cunts. Mum didn’t want that, but she felt herself alone against everybody. I don’t fucking have to do with anything psychotic, with any psychiatry, i am a fucking ordinary man, but they fucking messed me with all that shit, all this fucking system interupted in my life, i fell victym to the fucking system that doesn give a fuck about anything.

And i didn’t know anything about ocd, thought since they call me shizophrenic then i realy am shizophrenic. I thought all my washing hands and all to be shizophrenic. If they diagnosed and looked at anything in me, they surely didn’t give a fuck about these washing of hands, such a thing happens to every second man, they rather considered the whole course of my behaviour shizophrenic. And i regarded only washing hands to be schizophrenic. If i knew thayt it wasn’t that, i would see nothing to call myself shizophrenic and i wouldn’t have beeen self-humiliating all the youth. Or perhaps it would have been even worse for i would have considered my whole behaviour to be shizphrenic (which is not), instead of just washing of hands. And this would have made me self humiliate even more. I just shouldnt have to anything with clinics. Clinics are the system. One has to resist getting messed with the system as long as possible. And i got messed as soon as in the 11th year of my life.

Блять как я щас разозлился. Вот сука этот виноградома не признали недееспособным, хотя тоже таже тяжелая боллезнь и т.д как этот психиатр о нём сказал. А эта сука мама моя считает что я буду недееспособным, что я недееспособныйю. Она сука с этой системой как и дашка суки блять все. Ну сука блять я совсем один. У всех промыты мозги нахуй и все бабы, и у урода отца тоже, all of them are brainwashed i am fucking alone. I ll write that one of the reasons why want to kill, is to if i get caught before suicide, i will undergo the assessing of my state and a verdict would be given and they will see that i am no any disable crazy fuck. I am got fucking sick of all the world thinking me crazy and not answerable for my actions. I never once did any movement without a preceding sober deceison to do it. And i fucking say only truth. But everybody still are affraid of me. Yesterday i said truth to dasha too, although i hadn’t sent her that precedding long full-of-truth text. But i did say truth yesterday, because i do not want nor am going to kill her at the moment. Yes, in the sent message, i didn’t say that previously i wanted to, i concealed, but that is beyond the point anyway. What i say is ever only the truth. And they think me unpredictable. I am fucking sick of it. I would never get a girlfriend, even if i sought normally, when i am officially an unpredictable shizophrenic fuck. That would come to the surface anyway sooner or later and i would fucking loose my chances. I fucking hate being shizophrenic. Fucking system. In the earlier centuries nobody would give a damn, even 100 years ago nobody would give a damn because there wasn’t any compulsory this fucking education and these moronic laws saying that a parent should bring up his children in a particular way, with these idiotic scools as compulsory. Nobody would have regarded me in those times as ill. Just a capricious young fuck, whom time will teach sooner or later. But now they tend to get interupted in one’s life, get a mess out of it, ruin everything personal, fucking system.

Fuck i hate how my song sound and them themselves. Fuck, it’s fucking hell.

And i can’t stop watching google earth, that fucking bolshaya kazachya, the photo of it it is in autumn was made and the holy asphalt is wet, and i remember what it’s like to be young and to be near the house where your sweetheart lives and then you see she comes out and she goes and you fancy youfuckingself with her, as you go with her and talk, and then you would return with her to her flat and she would be initiative and she’d push you onto the bed and would fucking hug and kiss you, god, her young dearest your most dearest face so near and so friendly fuck and there is autumn or spring in the street, better spring, and it’s all only begining, you would go with her in summer somewhere, to a dacha or better abroad, and there would be so fucking many happy moments together and it would be worth living afterwards just to be able to remember all this. It is all about getting experience to remember afterwards, otherwise no point in living on

In the interim of the recording rgfstg vocals. Fuck it wouldn’t have been a problem to have written to dasha in the normal way, without selfhumiliating, if i was with her on one level, if had too gone to university, too had passed all the damned school and exams, if hadn’t been worse than her in all those ways, if the difference was only in sex. Fuck she would have been just an ordinary human being to me. I didn’t write so selfhumiliatingly to girls from engels and who looked simple. Fuck fuck fuck. It’s all because of the difference between clases and levels of intelligence and everything, fuck icant stand how shitty it’s all has happened.

Fuck. Found out that maddy prior and tim hart. The fucking formers of steeley span who were 24 at their first album they had fucking recorded two more albums when they were 20. Fucking professional, voices very professional. and i am here can’t sing at all. fuck. My god, what a hell of a life i am living. And i suffer that they even did albums. They fucking did something and did professionaly and it became their career, and moreover such a thing doesn last long. It’s usually till 35 maximum then it’s all over. Fucking Decl has died at this age, I’ve found out today.

Rewatched evanecense videos. Nothing has happened in my damned life. It’s as if i dreamed then in chidlhod that i would meet when i grewup all these amy lees and all the people from tv and whom i was obsessed with. And later in years, as if i would meet them all i thought, all these greg joys, Jeremy soule, as if i would step onto their level and we would be together and all friends. And i am fucking nothing. A would-be-murder, who would be despised by everyone of those people.

t’s evening. Fuck, didn’t they all my classmates cried huraah when the teacher anounced a day without lessons or something like that? Nobody fucking wanted to go to school. Nobody, fuck. And they what, they themselves at 11—13 chose to continue to study? At the age when one wants to go to school less of all? fuck fuck fuck. I’m not to blame. I was fucking allowed and i used the oportunity. Everybody would have used it. And now they all have education and can go to eourope and i fucking am nobody

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07 02 19 morning – гамлет, завидую, убий, рисковано истерю 8интернете, снова завидую, новое фото даши

Ive read only the first scene of hamlet so far but this morning now I’ve donloaded the theatre version with this fucking benedict, and i am only watching the interview before the play and i fucking begin to envy like fuck, i cannot fucking stand him. Every dasha every girl will love him better than me, i fucking cannot stand it. It all because of woment. If they were not, i wouldn’t give a damn about all these benedicts with their 30milion net worths, i don’t give a damn about net worth, i give a damn about their fucking profecincy that wins most interesting women’s attention. I cannot kill all benedicts, i would have better killed them than chioldren, but i have no means, and i also have no reason to kill girls, as i like them. But i need, i have this behaviorial urge to make a hysteric fit. I need to destroy somethin dear to society in which i am so unfortunate. Benedicts are to many, girls to kill there is no reason, I would have killed myself but nobody gives a fuck. So children, even one child, most innocent, about him everyone will be concernred, both benedicts and girls and the whole society. The children are the aim.