Caroline Anderson - The Secret in His Heart

‘I’ve never yet met a woman who could resist triple choc chip cookies still warm from the oven.’

Her eyes lit up. ‘Are they still warm?’ she said, diving in, and he watched in fascination as she closed her eyes and sank her teeth into one.

He nearly groaned out loud. How could eating a cookie be so sexy?

‘Murgh,’ she said, eyes still closed, and he gave a strained chuckle and trashed his own rosetta as his hand jerked.

‘That good?’ he asked, his voice sounding rusty, and she nodded.

‘Oh, yes,’ she said, a little more intelligibly, and he laughed again, set his own coffee down on the breakfast bar and joined her on the other stool, shifting it away from her a little after he’d taken a cookie from the bag.

Her eyes were open again, and she was pulling another one apart, dissecting it slowly and savouring every bit, and he almost whimpered.

He did whimper. Did he? Really?

‘Saffy, don’t beg,’ she said through a mouthful of cookie, and he realised it was the dog. He heaved a quiet sigh of relief and grabbed the last cookie, as much as anything so he wouldn’t have to watch her eat it.

And then, just because they had to talk about something and anyway, the suspense was killing him, he asked, ‘So, what did you want to talk to me about?’

Connie felt her heart thump.

This was it, her chance to ask him, and yet now she was here she had no idea —no idea—how to do it. Her carefully rehearsed speech had deserted her, and her mind flailed. Start at the beginning , she told herself, and took a deep breath.

‘Um—did you realise Joe and I were having problems?’ she asked tentatively.

‘Problems?’

James stared at her, stunned by that. Problems were the last thing he would have associated with them. They’d always seemed really happy together, and Joe, certainly, had loved Connie to bits. Had it not been mutual? No, Joe would have said—wouldn’t he? Maybe not.

‘What sort of problems?’ he asked warily, not at all sure he wanted to know.

‘Only one—well, two, if you count the fact that I spent our entire marriage waiting for the doorbell to ring and someone in uniform to tell me he was dead.’

‘I’d count that,’ he said gruffly. He’d felt it himself, every time Joe had been deployed on active service—and it didn’t get much more active than being a bomb disposal officer. But still, he’d never really expected it to happen. Maybe Connie had been more realistic.

‘And the other problem?’

She looked away, her expression suddenly bleak. ‘We couldn’t have children.’

He frowned, speechless for a second as it sank in. He set his cup down carefully and closed his eyes. When he opened them she was watching him again, her bottom lip caught between her teeth, waiting for him to say the right thing.

Whatever the hell that was. He let out a long, slow sigh and shook his head.

‘Ah, Connie. I’m so sorry. I didn’t realise there was anything wrong. I always thought it was by choice, something you’d get round to when he’d finished that last tour.’

… except he never had …

‘It was.’ She smiled a little unsteadily, and looked away again. ‘Actually, he was going to come and see you about it when he got home.’

‘Me?’ he asked, puzzled by that. ‘I don’t know anything about infertility. You’re a doctor, you probably know as much about it as I do, if not more. You needed to see a specialist.’

‘We had. It wasn’t for that. We’d had the tests, and he was the one with the problem. Firing blanks, as he put it.’ She grimaced a little awkwardly, uncomfortable revealing what Joe had considered a weakness, a failure, something to be ashamed of. ‘I wanted him to tell you, but he wouldn’t, not for ages. He was psyching himself up to do it when he got home, but it was so hard for him, even though you were so close.’

‘We were, but—guys don’t talk about that kind of thing, Connie, especially when they’re like Joe.’

‘I know. It’s stupid, I feel so disloyal telling you because he just wouldn’t talk about it. I would have told you ages ago, but he couldn’t, and so nor could I because it wasn’t my secret to tell.’

He sighed and reached out a hand, laying it over her arm and squeezing gently. ‘Don’t feel disloyal. I loved him, too, remember. You can tell me anything you need to, and you know it won’t go any further.’

She nodded. ‘I know. I just wish he’d felt he could tell you.’

‘Me, too.’ He sighed again and withdrew his hand. ‘I’m really sorry, Connie. That must have been so tough to deal with.’

She looked down at her coffee, poking at the foam with the teaspoon, drawing little trails absently through the rosetta, and he noticed her cheeks had coloured a little.

She sucked in a slightly shaky breath. ‘He was going to tell you, as soon as he got back. He wanted to ask you …’ Oh, just spit it out, woman! He can only say no!

She sat up straighter and made herself look him in the eye, her heart pounding. ‘He was going to ask you if you’d consider being a sperm donor for us.’

He stared at her blankly, the shock robbing him of his breath for a moment. He hauled it back in and frowned.

‘Me?’

They’d wanted him to give them a child?

‘Why me?’ he asked, his voice sounding strangely distant. Of all the people in the world, why me?

She shrugged. ‘Why not? I would have thought it was obvious. He doesn’t have a brother, you were his best friend, he loved and respected you. Plus you’re not exactly ugly or stupid. Who better?’ She paused for a second, fiddled with her spoon, then met his eyes again, her own a little wary. ‘Would you have said yes?’

He shook his head to clear it, still reeling a little from the shock.

‘Hell, I don’t know, Connie. I have no idea.’

‘But—possibly?’

He shrugged. ‘Maybe.’

A baby? Maybe not. Most likely not.

‘Definitely maybe? Like, probably?’

Would he? He tried to think, but he was still trying to come to terms with it and thinking seemed too hard right then.

‘I don’t know. I really don’t know. I might have considered it, I suppose, but it’s irrelevant now, so it’s hard to know how I would have reacted. But you would have been brilliant parents. I’m just so sorry you never had the chance. That really sucks.’

She’d shifted her attention to the cookie crumbs on the breakfast bar, pushing them around with her fingertip, and he saw her swallow. Then she lifted her head and met his eyes. Her whole body seemed to go still, as if every cell was holding its breath. And then she spoke.

‘What if it wasn’t irrelevant now?’

WAS THIS WHY she’d wanted to see him? To ask him this?

He searched her eyes, and they didn’t waver.

‘What are you saying, Connie?’ he asked quietly, but he knew already, could feel the cold reality of it curling around him like freezing fog.

He saw her swallow again. ‘I wondered—I don’t know how you’ll feel about it, and I know Joe’s not here now, but—James, I still really want a baby.’

He stared at her, saw the pleading in her eyes, and he felt suddenly drenched with icy sweat. She meant it. She really, really meant it—

He shoved the stool back abruptly and stood up, taking a step away on legs that felt like rubber. ‘No. I’m sorry, Connie. I can’t do it.’

He walked away, going out onto the veranda and curling his fingers round the rail, his hands gripping it so hard his knuckles were bleached white while the memories poured through him.

Cathy, coming into their bedroom, her eyes bright with joy in her pale face, a little white wand in her hand .

‘I might’ve worked out why I’ve been feeling rough …’

He heard Connie’s footsteps on the boards behind him, could feel her just inches away, feel her warmth, hear the soft sigh of her breath. Her voice, when she spoke, was hesitant.

‘James? I’m sorry. I know it’s a bit weird, coming out of the blue like that, but please don’t just say no without considering it—’

Her voice cracked slightly, and she broke off. Her hand was light on his shoulder, tentative, trembling slightly. It burned him all the way through to his soul.

‘James? Talk to me?’

‘There’s nothing to talk about,’ he said, his voice hollow. ‘Joe’s dead, Connie. He’s gone.’ They’re all gone …

Her breath sucked in softly. ‘Do you think I don’t know that? Do you really think that in the last two years I haven’t noticed? But I’m still here, and I’m alive, and I’m trying to move on with my life, to rescue something from the wreckage. And you could help me do that. Give me something to live for. Please. At least think about it.’

He turned his head slightly and stared at her, then looked away again. ‘Hell, Connie, you know how to push a guy’s buttons.’ His voice was raw now, rasping, and he swallowed hard, shaking his head again to clear it, but it didn’t work this time any more than it had the last.

‘I’m sorry. I know it’s a bit sudden and unexpected, but—you said you would have considered it.’

‘No, I said I might have considered it, for you and Joe. Not just for you! I can’t do that, Connie! I can’t just hand you a little pot of my genetic material and walk away and leave you on your own. What kind of person would that make me?’

‘Generous? I’d still be the mother, still be the primary carer, whatever. What’s the difference?’

‘The difference? The difference is that you’re on your own, and children need two parents. There’s no way I could be responsible for a child coming into the world that I wasn’t involved with on a daily basis—’

‘So—what? You want to be involved? You can be involved—’

‘What? No! Connie, no. Absolutely not. I don’t want to be a father! It’s not anywhere, anyhow, on my agenda.’

Not any more .

‘Joe said you might say that. I mean, if you’d wanted kids you would have got married again, wouldn’t you? But he said you’d always said you wouldn’t, and he thought that might be the very reason you’d agree, because you might see it as the only way you’d ever have a child …’

She trailed off, as if she knew she’d gone too far, and he stared down at his stark white knuckles, his fingers burning with the tension. One by one he made them relax so that he could let go of the rail and walk away. Away from Connie, away from the memories that were breaking through his carefully erected defences and flaying him to shreds.

Cathy’s face, her eyes alight with joy. The first scan, that amazing picture of their baby. And then, just weeks later …

‘No, Connie. I’m sorry, but—no. You don’t know what you’re asking. I can’t. I just can’t …’

The last finger peeled away from the railing and he spun on his heel and walked off, down the steps, across the garden, out of the gate.

She watched him go, her eyes filling, her last hope of having the child she and Joe had longed for so desperately fading with every step he took, and she put her hand over her mouth to hold in the sob and went back to the kitchen to a scene of utter chaos.

‘Oh, Saffy, no!’ she wailed as the dog shot past her, a slab of meat dangling from her jaws.

It was the last straw. Sinking down on the floor next to the ravaged shopping bags, Connie pulled up her knees, rested her head on them and sobbed her heart out as all the hopes and dreams she and Joe had cherished crumbled into dust.