Tara Quinn - My Babies and Me

Besides, there was a small part of him that was afraid she’d be hurt because he’d accepted a job that required no familial obligations, even though he’d agreed to father her child. And the fear wasn’t just born from an aversion to hurting Susan. If she was hurt, that would mean she’d been harboring some desire for him to share more than just the conception of her child.

And he couldn’t do this for her if he thought, for one second, that she’d be asking for more than he had to give.

Staring out the window at the expanse of anonymous farmland passing beneath him, Michael forced his mind back to the loyal staff he’d built over the years. He’d pretty much decided on the person he was going to promote, and he looked forward to breaking the news. That thought gave him the balance he’d been seeking.

Business was the only thing he felt sure about. The only way he knew how to cope. To shut off the fears and concerns that were nagging at him, the uneasiness he couldn’t seem to dissipate with logic.

A man could only think so much about sex without embarrassing himself.

SETH’S DARK-BLUE Bronco was parked in front of the condo when Michael pulled up in his rental. Fond as he was of Susan’s brother, Seth sure as hell could have picked a better time to come visiting.

“I heard you were going to be in town,” the big blond man greeted him as Michael let himself in. “Thought I’d stop by and see if you two wanted to take in a movie or something.”

Susan, curled up on the couch, raised her brows and grimaced behind her brother’s back.

Michael shrugged out of his overcoat and hung it on the brass tree by the front door. “Don’t think so, buddy,” he said. There was no way in hell he’d be able to sit through a movie right now.

“The new Star Trek movie’s playing downtown,” Seth coaxed.

Exchanging glances with Susan, Michael shook his head. Trekkies though they were, a movie was still a two-hour wait in the dark. “It was just released,” he told Seth, pulling his keys out his jeans pocket to drop them on the hall table. “And it’s Saturday. The theater’ ll be full of kids.”

Dressed in beige khaki slacks and a black longsleeved fleece shirt that hugged her waist, Susan looked great. And eager. Her eyes were glowing as she shared an intimate glance with him.

“How about a game of basketball, then? I can call for a court.” Seth picked up the phone and dialed.

“I didn’t bring gym clothes,” Michael said, disconnecting the call. He met and held his friend’s gaze. “Seth, go home.”

“There’s a new restaurant on the other side of the river I’ve been meaning to try,” Seth said, still clutching the phone. “We could have lunch....”

Turning his ex-brother-in-law toward the door, Michael grabbed Seth’s coat off the rack and handed it to him. “Go home.”

Seth took his coat, put it on, and turned back, looking from Susan to Michael. “I think we should talk about this.”

“I think—” Susan began.

“Go home,” Michael interrupted her, giving Seth a little shove.

“You’re sure?” Seth asked quietly.

Hell no, he wasn’t sure. But Susan was. And he’d never be able to live with himself if he forced her to ask another man to do this.

“Go home.” he said one last time.

Swearing, Seth let himself out, slamming the door.

Michael locked it behind him.

SUSAN STARED at Michael’s back. He was still staring at the door he’d just locked, almost as though he were thinking about heading out himself.

“You want something to eat?”

He turned, walking slowly back into the living room, not meeting her eyes. “Nah, I had breakfast at the airport.”

He slipped his hands into his pockets, stretching the denim of his jeans taut across his fly. Susan couldn’t help noticing how attractive he was. She’d never been able to look at Michael without thinking about sex. But today there was more. Today she saw the man who was going to give her his baby.

The thought scared her just a little. What if this changed things? Not her life; of course that was going to change. But what if things between her and Michael weren’t the same afterward?

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” she blurted suddenly.

His gaze swung to hers, intent, hopeful. “You’ve changed your mind.”

“No.” Susan shook her head. She needed to be a mother. “But it doesn’t have to be now, today,” she said even as she realized that putting it off wasn’t going to make any real difference. “It doesn’t have to be you.”

But she wanted it to be. She couldn’t imagine carrying anybody’s baby but Michael’s.

“Are you having doubts?”

Looking down, Susan studied the pattern in the tweed fabric of her overstuffed couch. “Not about the baby.”

“You’re having doubts about me?”

She’d hurt him. Damn, it was getting messy already and they hadn’t even done anything yet.

“Could you sit down or something?” she asked as he continued to hover over her, the hands in his pockets distracting her. “Please?”

Michael sat. On the very edge of the couch, knees spread, his elbows on his knees.

Susan couldn’t look at him. She hadn’t felt this tongue-tied with Michael since before the first time they’d made love. She’d been crazy with wanting him. And a little frightened because of her virginity. Her inexperience. A little frightened that she wouldn’t be able to satisfy him. After all, he’d had the prettiest girls in college chasing after him.

She’d been a boring little tomboy bookworm.

Not knowing what else to do, she’d been honest about her feelings then. And been honest with Michael every day since.

“I can’t imagine anybody but you as the father of my child.” The words, though softly uttered, were filled with the emotions tumbling through her.

She wasn’t looking at him, but she felt him flinch.

“I’m not asking you to be a father, Michael. I’d never do that to you. Any more than you’d ask me never to be a mother.”

Chancing a peek at him, she quickly looked back down at her hands. He was staring straight ahead, the muscles in his jaw working fiercely.

“I’m fully prepared to raise this child myself. In fact, I’m intent on doing so,” she assured him. Just as she’d been assuring herself for months.

“I just want it to be your baby growing inside me.” She wasn’t doing this very well. “I want my son or daughter to be a part of you.”

The more she talked to her silent ex-husband, the more her needs became clear to her. She didn’t just want a baby by the year 2000. She didn’t just want a baby, period. She wanted Michael’s baby. Even though she knew that having Michael’s baby meant raising the child herself.

“What I—” she said, stopping and then trying again. “What I don’t—” She reached across to lace her fingers with his, willing him to meet her eyes, waiting until he did. “What I don’t want...is to lose you in the process.”

He seemed about to say something but didn’t.

“You’re my best friend, Michael. I don’t want that to change.”

Slowly, tenderly, he brought his lips to hers. Kissing her softly. “In seven years I haven’t learned to stop caring about you,” he said, his lips still brushing hers. “I don’t think I ever will.”

Susan tried to block her mind as she gave herself up to his kiss, but for the first time, she wasn’t in a hurry to make love with Michael.

And that frightened her most of all. Things were changing already.

SETH TOOK the corner so hard he felt his outside tires leave the road. How could they be so stupid? The sister who’d never made a mistake in her life, as far as Seth was concerned. And his friend, who was exactly like Seth himself. It was as if he didn’t know either one of them anymore.

By what right could they bring a new life into the world without the means to nurture it? Children needed parents. Two of them. Full-time.

Rounding another curve, he heard a grinding in his steering column and lightened up on the vehicle. His Bronco didn’t deserve this abuse. It was faithful to him. Loyal. There when he needed it. And it never asked more from him than he could give.

Some gas. A wash every month. An occasional new tire. Tune-ups. All stuff that could wait until he happened to be in town.

Seth drove until he calmed. down enough to stay within the speed limit, then slowed even more. He wanted a drink. And he’d have one. Maybe, considering that it was Saturday, and the day before the Super Bowl to boot, he’d have two. Or three.

Keeping the Bronco out of sight of the field, he slid in behind the big weeping willow across the street and to the west, and put the truck in park. But he didn’t turn it off. He wasn’t staying. Couldn’t. He couldn’t risk being seen.

He also couldn’t seem to stay away.

Every week that he was in town he tried. And every week he ended up right in this same place. He’d thought that maybe today, in his efforts to prevent his sister from making the biggest mistake of her life, he’d be spared this little sojourn.

But even that peace had been denied him.

So here he sat, champing at the bit as he watched Mitch’s dad massacre what had promised to be a damn good soccer team. The city league was sponsored by the Y and played all year, no matter what the season, in an effort to keep kids off the streets and in organized activities.

Last year, Seth had been their coach.

“Use your head!” he yelled. And then, ducking his own head, looked around furtively to see if anyone had heard.

Someday he’d learn to keep his big mouth shut. He’d have been a lot better off if he’d done that before he volunteered to coach soccer for underprivileged kids. Before he’d met Jeremy Sinclair. Or his mother.

“Finesse, Jeremy,” he muttered fiercely. “Keep your eye on the ball and your feet in motion.”

The boy watched the ball, but he was practically tripping over his feet in his hurry to get down the field.

“Dance, son.”

Seth itched to get out of the car. To stand at the side of that field and holler. He noticed Peter Adams sitting on the bench, his lower lip jutting out like he was going to cry. None of the boys were smiling. Wishing he could motivate their butts, Seth swallowed instead.

And saw Jeremy glance over. There was no way the kid could see him. He was too far away, camouflaged by a tree. But it was time to go. He couldn’t risk practice ending early. Couldn’t risk Jeremy finding him there.

Anyway, he wanted that drink.

CHAPTER FIVE

THE MAN WAS enough to drive her to drink. Two o’clock Saturday afternoon and they’d spent barely a moment at home. So, of course, Michael still hadn’t made love to her. He’d touched her. Hell, he could hardly keep his hands off her. Yet the second things started to progress, he’d find something to talk about.

Without really talking about anything at all.

And Susan thought she was nervous about taking that final, irrevocable step.

This morning, after he’d thrown Seth out, he’d decided he was hungry, after all. So they went to the new restaurant Seth had recommended for lunch, and a couple of hours disappeared. Then he’d asked to see her office on the way back to the condo, giving as his reason the fact that he hadn’t been there since she’d moved her desk in front of the window.

Eventually, they’d ended up back at the condo. It was either that or go see the Star Trek movie.

“Let’s make a gingerbread house,” Susan said as they pulled in the drive.