Alisa Roft - He is real

In a couple of months, I was walking down the street with my head held high, my blond-colored hair streamed in the breeze, even the girls paid attention to the harmony of my long legs in tight jeans, and strangers said compliments. It gave me undisguised pleasure to catch the admiring glances of men. Now they turned around to look at me.

At one of the school discos, “Anna the confident” was dancing with the cutest school leaver who looked like a handsome actor Freddie Prince Jr., an idol of early noughties teenagers. And the school leaver had no idea that the girl, that was dancing at the moment next to him and clinging to him in a slow dance is the one who had been passing by – “Anna the gray mouse”, so he did not notice her before.

In fact, I was indifferent to this guy, like all the others who were after him. It was interesting to live in a new way. I was just following the instructions of my “invisible friend,” who miraculously managed to awaken my confidence. He told a lot of interesting things, gave advice. Thanks to him, I was able to become myself, he managed to open that heavy door, where my real emotions were waiting in the wings. “Anna the impressed” was able to enjoy a previously unknown world, boundless and barren of obstacles.

Together with my “invisible friend” every summer morning I went for a run, swept through green fields through the cold wind, feeling free and being able to run without stopping, enjoying the freshness of the forest. Sometimes in the evenings we took my father’s boat, sailed to the middle of the river (I paddled, of course, because my “invisible friend” was all so intangible, bodiless and untouchable with the nature of things) and dived from the bow. I imagined him diving into the water with me, as if he was a dark-haired boy. He scared me by telling about a river monster, lurking at the bottom of the river. There were monsters waiting for the right moment to grab your legs and drag you into their dark underwater dominions. We called him Buddy. “Anna the brave” dived into the depths of the river hoping of finding him, but she found no one except fish in the murky, greenish water.

Sometimes my “invisible friend” and I were sitting motionless on the boat. Lifting the oars, we peered at the surrounding high, gentle banks, shrouded in the evening glow of the sun. We imagined that terrible creatures lived in the shady thickets of the forest in the wilds.

– Listen and you will hear how they are walking there, – my “invisible friend” used to tell me.

Fascinated by the fabulous performance, “Anna the no longer skeptic,” was listening attentively, and when suddenly the crackling of dry branches could be heard from the depths of the forest, and the birds took off above the treetops and tore their throats with the cries, she involuntarily shuddered with fear. And each time she waited for the appearance of at least one of these creatures, with curiosity, imagining how it would come to the shore, but no one came out.

Yes, and what is more: we loved to swim to the island. It was there, behind a sharp curve of the river, all it took was to swim a few meters. Artificially created, to be honest, I don’t know why and by whom, but it had a place to be. On its sandy shore, in the shadow of tall willow bushes, we made figures of sand and imagined that we were surrounded by the sea, the endless salty sea, playing in waves. I quickly mastered the craft of modeling, taking special delight in creating figures of mermaids, because I could stick them breasts of any size I wanted, make them perfectly round. I admit, I myself wanted to have the one like those. A few years later, in Israel, a famous plastic surgeon would provide me with “such” breasts.

In addition to doing all sorts of nonsense with my “invisible friend,” there were others related to real male characters that were close to me in age. I went on dates, meeting several guys at the same time, started new acquaintances time after time, and I was amused by this performance. I was having a great time. But as such, I did not feel love for anyone. None of the boyfriends was even a shadow of a man who, as I thought, would be the one, and would be special, it was in him that I began to feel an increasing need. He definitely cannot be found in a small town or forests adjacent to it. But why should I be looking for him? – Why can’t he find me himself? Anyway, it was worth it to leave the place for many reasons. So let’s see what happens.

2016. Israel. Bat-Yam

I was having a dream.

Sitting on a cloud, I was talking to the one who had changed me once. His human appearance was blurred, his face was not visible.

– I’ve got a present for you, – he says in a low, gruff voice.

– What is it? – I peer into his blurred image with interest. He is no longer a boy, he grew up with me, but the man he became did not reveal himself to me.

– This is what you have been eager to have for so long, what you have been dreaming about – He puts sends his palm into the weightless translucent flesh of the cloud and, raising a piece of it, he stretches it to towards me.

– That’s all nonsense. – I shift my glance at a translucent, smoky lump, barely visible to the eye, fit in the open palms of the “invisible friend.”

– Let’s see what you will say in seven days.

– Seven days? I’m already getting interested. But, do you know what?

– What?

– In fact, people do not sit on the clouds, and it is unlikely that your gift will be real. – I stretch my arms to him, then he passes this cloudy lump to me, which, falling down, gets into my hands. It is heavy and weighty, despite its smoky transparency.

– Then, it turns out, that you don’t exist either, because you cannot sit on a cloud either.

“Nonsense, a new crazy joke from my “invisible friend” I thought, having woken up, and quickly got out of bed and was not being fussed about the Delphian dream, but I should have been. The hands of the clock, hanging on the white wall, froze, indicating the beginning of the tenth hour.

– Great, I’ve almost overslept, – I said out loud and went to the shower at a brisk walk.

This May evening was surprisingly cool for the Israeli climate. I did not want to bother my head about the choice of attire. After several sleepless nights fatigue prevented me from thinking rationally. From the back of the chair, standing alone in the corner of the bedroom, I took a short black dress that was on me yesterday, or maybe… well, not maybe, but also the day before yesterday. Having put it on, I felt the smell of male perfume and cigarette smoke absorbed into the fabric.

My mobile phone, which was next to the pillow, made its presence felt at a due time.

– Anna, I’m downstairs, come out, – the weary voice of the driver came.

– All right.

I threw the phone into a large bag filled with the things I needed for work, threw it on my shoulder, sighed and said to myself: I can handle it, fatigue is just a signal sent by my tired brain, and my body is stronger than I think.

It does not matter, whether this statement is true or not, the main thing is that it makes sense to exist, and if you believe in it, it will certainly be so. And I believed in it.

Having approached the car where the driver was waiting for me, I opened the door, threw the bag onto the back seat, then took the front seat and asked him:

– Where are we going?

– Not far from here, just 15 minutes, – he answered, moving the car from a standstill.

The driver’s name is Dani (by the way, he’s a rather attractive young guy). He was eager to get to the heights in the service in the Israel Defense Forces. At the moment, his meager salary was enough only for basic necessities, so he had to take a side job at night.

In Israel, the rhythm of life is crazy, especially in the center, where people have several jobs, forgetting about sleep and rest. They are constantly going somewhere, creating traffic jams, being in a hurry and nervous. Shabbat, according to the Jews faith, was supposed to slow down this endless madness, to give at least one day of peace and quiet during the week, but the power of money turned out to be stronger than faith, and most of those living here worked even on Sabbath.

I will say this: political affairs in the state of the country, is not my main concern. Moreover I don’t watch TV or read newspapers, but I would like to quickly note one important thing (I won’t go too deeply into it), shedding light on one of the prominent features of the Israeli state. Hostilities in the south of the country, momentarily subsiding so that everyone could see how good life can be in peace, but just for a moment. Perhaps this is why the Israelis are trying to live by the following principle: Rejoice every day and reconcile with the fact that the ancient problems will not disappear for many centuries to come. As for me, it is hard to get used to such circumstances. When rockets are soaring over your head, you become a believer, you turn to God himself, shuddered from the increasing howl of a siren. The siren sound is the most frightening sound I have ever heard, everything gets quiet after the howl, dead silence, there’s not a rustle to be heard, not a word, not a hint of movement. A few seconds, and then the whistle of approaching rockets is heard, after that goes the roar, some of them fall and explode, sometimes in the yard of the neighboring high-rise building, and some were shoot down by the opposing batteries of the Iron Dome system.

Everything worked out – it means that you can continue doing your routine, that is, until the next siren goes off, there is no one who can predict with any accuracy when it will happen, but it will, without a doubt.

– Am I working alone today? – I asked Dani.

– Yes, but do not worry, I’ve talked to them on the phone. Two quite steady guys. In any case, I will come up with you, I will give them the necessary instructions, -he encouraged me.

In a small room of a cheap hotel, with the windows draped with thick beige curtains and the bed occupying most of the space of the room, there was a pair of representatives of Jewish youth. The guys, a little over twenty, were similar to each other, thin, with barely noticeable light stubble on their cheekbones and the same hairstyles in the latest fashion, when the hair is cut short at the temples, and the remaining long strands are combed together at the back of the head. They were wearing similar T-shirts of the same brand, differing only in color: one in white, and the other in blue. On a low coffee table, pulled up to the bed, there was a plate, and a rolled-up bill and credit card on it, next to this flat plate there was a bottle of whiskey.

– Will you pour me a drink? – I addressed one of the guys, pointing by a look at the bottle after Dani had left the room.

– Of course, said the one in the white T-shirt, and reached for a stack of plastic cups.

We spoke Hebrew, “Anna the capable” mastered the language after several months of her stay in the country, not to say a word about the level of knowledge after less than six years.

– Are you just dancing? – asked the guy wearing a blue T-shirt. Smiling nicely, he patted the bed with his palm, just on the place next to him where I was supposed to sit.