Nikolay Lakutin - Two at the slap. A play for 2 people

Comedy. Duration 1 hour

THE CHARACTERS are

not the first freshness of the young man-ALBERT

not the first freshness of a young girl-ISOLDE

The action takes place in an apartment. It's late in the morning, the curtains are drawn, one sad slap from the left foot is lying in the middle of the room. There is no second one. The light source illuminates this lonely attribute of shoes.

Albert crawls into the room on all fours. He clearly does not feel at his best, as evidenced by his rumpled, carelessly unbuttoned shirt, which is partially tucked into family underpants, as well as his disheveled hair and swollen face are striking.

Albert mutters something under his breath. It doesn't mumble, it doesn't whine, it doesn't moan.

He crawls to the central part of the stage, crawls to the flip-flops, stumbles over it with his hand and falls.

ALBERT (lying on the floor in a ridiculous position): Oh, I don't feel like it today… at all.

He sighs, tries to restore the original crawling position, but eventually sits down on the fifth point and looks in surprise-nihilistically at the auditorium. The slipper is lying next to him.

ALBERT (philosophically): That's how it turns out? How many years I have lived, I can not find the answer to this, at first glance, simple question. Where does the second slipper go all the time? (To the viewer) Don't you know?

He takes a lying slap in his hand, hysterically slaps it on the floor and throws it aside.

ALBERT (nervously): So I don't know either. (Angrily points a finger at the discarded slap) And this is the second one! Today I lost the first one! It's twice as insulting!

On the other side of the stage, Isolde is also crawling on all fours, the same unsightly and disheveled. The appearance and condition are still the same.

ISOLDE (speaking with difficulty): Well, Albert (hiccups), my golden one, can't you find your ill-fated slipper again?

ALBERT (nervously): This is not a slipper! It's a slap!

ISOLDE (with irony): Mmmmm...., well, this radically changes things.

ALBERT (nervously): Oh, okay, not the point. Slap, slipper. The fact is that he is not there again!

Isolde crawls closer, sits back to back with Albert. They are both sitting on the floor, resting from a grueling crawl.

ISOLDE (sadly): Nda-s, as they say, and on the hats Potap, and on the slippers Potap.

Albert looks back at Isolde with displeasure.

ALBERT (nervously): So, Isolde! Does you that… not this!

ISOLDE (sadly): Yes, I somehow got it wrong. Well, what? Let's look, or what?

ALBERT (relatively calmly): Yes, not…, wait. Let's get some rest. We'll sit… and talk, just like in the good old days.

ISOLDE (with nostalgia): Yes… We were very young once, remember? Youngsters.

ALBERT (relatively calmly): Well, where is it, you were running around with your Tolka!

ISOLDE (a little nervously):

ALBERT (complacently): I want to note that Valka was not mine, she was Mitka's, but I was running around with her, yes.

ISOLDE (reproachfully): Woooo, not even with her own! Shameful…, this one… What's his name… A womanizer!

ALBERT (reproachfully): Oh, oh, oh, who would talk! As if you had no one but Tolik? Demyan told me about you, and Slavik, and Anton, he did not remain without your attention at all. Will you say-not so? And this, by the way, I remind you all about the same day! Do you remember what a day it was?

ISOLDE (evasively): I remember, of course, how not to remember. We were then celebrating the coming of age of our mutual friend Yanochka. Well, yes…, there was a case. She was young, ambitious. The blood was hot, playing…

ALBERT (reproachfully): Vo-vo… So it's not me who's a womanizer, it's you who's a womanizer. Or rather… And how can you name a girl so that it is not too offensive, but also not too soft in this situation? Muzhibnik! Here. You're a maniac… was.

Isolde glances over her shoulder, glancing sideways at Albert. He reaches out with his foot to the slap, but can't catch it. And the desire is so great, to give a nice person a slap on the back of the head. But I can't reach it. Annoyed, Isolde sighs heavily.

ISOLDE (threateningly): Well, thank you, dear. I'll remember that.

ALBERT (calmly): Remember this, and repeat it to yourself more often!

ISOLDE (seriously): Hmm…, so you've been carrying this for so many years and now you've finally thrown it out. It was after so many years that I learned my husband's true attitude to myself! However …

ALBERT (judiciously): A common-law husband, please note! Civil!

ISOLDE (seriously): And what does it change?

ALBERT (judiciously): Yes, it changes everything! Of course, I would officially marry a scoundrel like you. I found a fool!

Isolde tries again to reach the slap with her foot, this time more desperately, but the slap is still far away. She pushes her beloved with her shoulder, and more than once.

ALBERT (judiciously): Oh, oh, oh, she's gone.

ISOLDE (nervously): But I'm interested! What are you doing … fucking up? You were very gallant, courteous and gentle last night. And here, then, his wife suddenly became abruptly unworthy of him!

ALBERT (judiciously): Yesterday I had my second, or rather, first slap. And now I don't have it with me. I feel inferior!

ISOLDE (nervously): Well, feel good!

ALBERT (judiciously): And who has to do with it? Who puts on my flip-flops all the time while running to the shower? To whom (mimics) so go, so go…, my spanking?

ISOLDE (nervously): Oh, that's it!

ALBERT (nervously): No, not all of them! These are my flip-flops! I bought them in Thailand! This is my symbol of freedom, my reminder of bright happy days! About the best period of my life!

ISOLDE (nervously): Your lascivious face! Do you think I don't know what you were doing in Thailand? Have you forgotten how much money you spent on treatment after your taek? And, curiously, my money!

ALBERT (judiciously): Well, that's right, I left my own all there, on a paradise island.

ISOLDE (nervously): A brat. And he doesn't even hesitate to remember this in front of me, and even sing about it!

ALBERT (savoring): Oh… It was unforgettable(Isolde shoves him in the back)Aaaaemo. What are you pushing at? Yes, I'm not an angel, I admit. But you, you know, are also not one of the noble maidens!

ISOLDE (turning around): Why am I not one of the noble ones?

ALBERT (turns to his wife): Have I forgotten my trip to Turkey?

Isolde smiles significantly, turns back.

ALBERT (turning AROUND): Well, why did you hide your rosy face? I gave you exactly your own amount, now for your treatment. No, it turned out even more there. Have you tasted "Turkish sweets" in a foreign country?

ISOLDE (looking at her husband with displeasure): I remembered too. You better remember how I dragged you home from the neighbor upstairs!

ALBERT (turning around): You better remember how I pulled you out from under the neighbor from below!

ISOLDE (looking at her husband with displeasure): Is it okay that I was the girlfriend of this downstairs neighbor then?

ALBERT (turning around nervously): Is it okay that you were my girlfriend before and after the neighbor from below?

ISOLDE (looking at her husband with displeasure): The main thing is that I was not your girlfriend during the time when I was a girl with the neighbor from below!

ALBERT (turning around nervously): Sure. What is remarkable, I found out that you are not my girlfriend at the very moment when I pulled you out from under the neighbor from below!

ISOLDE (loudly, nervously): So! Don't mess with my head. You and I had a fight the day before that incident and broke up, I want to note.

ALBERT (in a similar tone): I want to remind you that we had a fight then because I caught you with a neighbor on the side, while you were my girlfriend!

ISOLDE (loudly, nervously): Yes, you misunderstood everything! I wasn't with him at all. I'm just with him… simply…

ALBERT (in a similar tone): He just helped you get a letter out of the mailbox!

ISOLDE (loudly, nervously): Yes!

ALBERT (in a similar tone): While being in a surprisingly ridiculous position!

ISOLDE (loudly, nervously): The box jammed, I couldn't open it, he tried to help!

ALBERT (in a similar tone): Face to face!

ISOLDE (loudly, nervously):

ALBERT (in a similar tone): Lips to lips!

ISOLDE (loudly, nervously): Don't make it up! It was all just your imagination. We were in different planes, the dispersion of light, the refraction of solar fluxes and the displacement of perspective relative to the view from the landing of the stairwell… You just saw everything wrong and as a result-misunderstood!

ALBERT (sarcastically, nervously): Oooh, yes, I see the physics department did not pass in vain! After all, knowledge was useful in life!

Isolde exhales with relief.

ALBERT (sarcastically): So! The interference is mine, wave interference. Let's clear up the situation, at least for the next fifteen minutes. Are you my girlfriend now?

ISOLDE (slowing down): Yours! And the girl and the wife…

ALBERT (interrupts): Civil!

ISOLDE (slowing down): …civilian…

ALBERT (coming to a consensus): Well, there! While everything is fair between us, I suggest that we move our purely abstract and not tied to personalities dialogue to the bedroom, and continue there. And then, memories of Thailand came flooding back…

ISOLDE (romantically): And for me about Turkey… I approve this proposal. They crawled!

Music is playing.

Isolde crawls away first, followed by Albert crawling away in the same direction. The facial expressions of both are quite promising, everyone understands everything, the matter is "serious".

ZTM.

There is already another slap lying on the stage, from the right foot, but also one. Albert and Isolde return from the shower, both cheerful and cheerful.

ALBERT (enthusiastically, shaking the water out of his ear with a towel): Yes, Zola, I haven't seen such a quickness from you for a long time. (Thinks, remembers) Two days already as!

ISOLDE (changes in mood): What do you mean? And these couple of days have you been feeling bad?

ALBERT (PREVARICATING): Yes, no, why, on the contrary…

ISOLDE (interrupts nervously): On the contrary? So you were feeling bad just now?

ALBERT (getting hot): Yes, why is it bad? Did I say that it was bad?

ISOLDE (interrupts nervously): Yes, that's exactly what you just said!

ALBERT (nervously): Yes, I mean, did you say?

ISOLDE (freaks out): Yes, it's clear in every sense that you insulted me as a woman!

ALBERT (furious): I praised you, you fool!

ISOLDE (freaks out): Go you…, with your such praises…, to the neighbor!

ALBERT (in a rage): And I'll go!

ISOLDE (in a rage): And go!

ALBERT (in a RAGE): And I'll go – I'll go!

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