Ирвин Ялом - The Schopenhauer Cure

«Philip,” said Rebecca, «I want to apologize for being so

dismissive earlier today. I want to say that I`m changing my mind

about this...story by...by...Epihetus...”

«Epictetus,” said Philip in a softer tone.

«Epictetus, thanks.» Rebecca continued, «The more I think

about it, this whole thing about attachment throws a light on some

of my stuff. I think Iam suffering from excessive attachment—not

to things or possessions but to my looks. All my life I`ve had a free

pass because of a pretty face—got lots of affirmation—prom

queen, homecoming queen, beauty contests—and now that it`s

fading...”

«Fading?» said Bonnie. «Just pass the faded remnants on to

me.»

«Me, too, I`ll trade you anytime and throw in all my

jewelry...and kids, if I had any,” said Pam.

«I appreciate that. I really do. But it`s all relative.» Rebecca

went on, «Iam too attached. Iam my face, and now that it`s become

less, I feelI am less. I`m having a lot of trouble giving up my free

pass.»

«One of Schopenhauer`s formulations that helped me,” said

Philip, «was the idea that relative happiness stems from three

sources: what one is, what one has, and what one represents in the

eyes of others. He urges that we focus only on the first and do not

bank on the second and third—onhaving andour reputation —

because we have no control over those two; they can, and will, be

taken away from us—just as your inevitable aging is taking away

your beauty. In fact, ‘having` has a reverse factor, he said—what

we have often starts to have us.»

«Interesting, Philip. All three parts of that—what you are,

have, and stand for in the eyes of others—hits home for me. I`ve

lived too much of my life for that last part—what others will think

of me. Let me confess another secret: my magic perfume. I`ve

never talked to anyone about this, but ever since I can remember

I`ve daydreamed about manufacturing a perfume called Rebecca

made up of my essence which lingers indefinitely and causes

anyone who inhales it to think of my beauty.»

«Rebecca, you`re taking so many more risks now. I love it,”

said Pam.

«Me too,” said Stuart. «But let me tell you something that`s

never registered before. I like to look at you, but I`m realizing now

that your good looks are a barrier to seeing or knowingyou, maybe

even as much of a barrier as when a woman is ugly or misshapen.»

«Wow, that`s a shocker. Thanks, Stuart.»

«Rebecca, I want you to know,” said Julius, «that I too am

touched by your trusting us with your daydream about the

perfume. It points out what a vicious circle you`ve set up. You

confuse your beauty with your essence. And then what happens, as

Stuart points out, is that others do not relate to your essence but to

your beauty.»

«A vicious circle which leaves me doubting whether there`s

anything there. I`m still struck by your phrase the other week,

Julius, ‘the beautiful empty woman`—that`s me in spades.»

«Except the vicious circle may be breaking down,” said Gill.

«I know I`ve seen more of you—that is, something deeper, in the

last few weeks than in the whole previous year.»

«Yeah, me too,” agreed Tony, «and, I`m being serious now,

I want to say I`m really sorry about counting out money when you

told us about that time in Las Vegas—I acted like a real jerk.»

«Apology noted and accepted,” said Rebecca.

«You`ve gotten a lot of feedback today, Rebecca,” said

Julius. «How`re you feeling about it?»

«I feel great—it`s good. I feel people are treating me

differently.»

«It`s not us,” said Tony, «it`s you. Put real stuff in—get real

stuff out!»

«Put real stuff in—get real stuff out.I like that, Tony,” said

Rebecca. «Hey, you`re getting good at this therapy business;

maybeI should start counting out money. What are your fees?»

Tony smiled broadly. «Since I`m on a roll, let me give you

my guess, Julius, about why you went out of your way to work

with Philip again. Maybe when you first saw Philip years ago you

were closer to that state of mind you told us about last week—you

know, having strong sex desires for other women.»

Julius nodded. «Go on.»

«Well, here`s what I`m wondering: if you had issues similar

to Philip`s—not the same but something in that ballpark—could

that have gotten in the way of your therapy with him?»

Julius sat up straight in his chair. Philip, too, straightened

up. «You are sure catching my attention, Tony. Now I`m beginning

to remember why therapists are hesitant to reveal themselves—I

mean it doesn`t go away—what you reveal comes back to haunt

you again and again.»

«Sorry, Julius, I definitely didn`t mean to put you on the

spot.»

«No, no, it`s okay. I really mean that. I`m not complaining;

maybe I`m just stalling. Your observation is good—maybe it`stoo

good, too close, and I`m resisting a bit.» Julius paused and thought

a moment. «Okay, here`s what comes up for me: I remember that I

was surprised and dismayed that I hadn`t helped Philip. Ishould

have helped him. When we began, I would have taken a big bet

that I would have helped him a lot. I thought I had an inside track

on helping him. I was sure that my own personal experience would

grease the rails of therapy.»

«Maybe,” said Tony. «Maybe that`s why you invited Philip

into this group—give it another try, getting another chance.

Right?»

«You took the words out of my mouth,” said Julius. «I was

just going to say that. This may be the reason why a few months

ago when I was wondering about who I helped and who I didn`t, I

got so fixated on Philip. In fact, when Philip came to mind I began

to lose interest in contacting other patients.

«Hey, look at the time. I hate to bring this meeting to an end,

but we`ve got to stop. Good meeting—I know I`ve got a lot to

think about—Tony, you opened up some things for me. Thanks.»

«So,” said Tony with a grin, «am I excused from paying

today?»

«Blessed is he who gives,” said Julius. «But who knows?—

keep on like this and that day may come.»

After leaving the group room the members chattered on the outside

steps of Julius`s home before dispersing. Only Tony and Pam

headed toward the coffee shop.

Pam was fixated on Philip. She was not mollified by Philip`s

statement that she had been unlucky to have met him. Moreover,

she hated his compliment on her interpretation of the parable and

hated even more that she had enjoyed getting it. She worried that

the group was swinging over to Philip—away from her, away from

Julius.

Tony felt elated—he voted himself the MVP—the meeting`s

most valuable player; maybe he`d skip the bar scene tonight—try

to read one of the books Pam had given him.

Gill watched Pam and Tony walk down the street together.

He (and Philip of course) were the only ones Pam had not hugged

at the end of the meeting. Had he crossed her too much? Gill

turned his attention to tomorrow`s wine–tasting event—one of

Rose`s big nights. A group of Rose`s friends always got together at

this time of the year for a sampling of the year`s best wines. How

to negotiate that? Just swish the wine and spit it out? Pretty tough

to pull that off. Or come right out with the truth? He thought of his

AA sponsor: he knew how the conversation between them would

go:

Sponsor:Where`re your priorities? Skip the event, go to a

meeting.

Gill:But wine tasting is the reason these friends get together.

Sponsor:Is it? Suggest another activity.

Gill:Won`t work. They won`t do it.

Sponsor:Then get new friends.

Gill:Rose won`t like it.

Sponsor:So?

Rebecca said to herself:Real stuff in, real stuff out. Real stuff

in, real stuff out. Must remember that. She smiled when she

thought about Tony counting his money when she had talked about

her flirtation with whoredom. Secretly she had gotten a kick out of

that. Was it bad faith to accept an apology from him?

Bonnie, as always, hated to see the meeting come to an end.

She was alive those ninety minutes. The rest of her life seemed so

tepid. Why was that? Whymust librarians lead dull lives? Then she

thought about Philip`s statement about what you are, what you

have, and what you represent to others. Intriguing!

Stuart relished the meeting. He was entering full–bodied into

the group. He repeated to himself the words he had said to Rebecca

about how her looks served as a barrier to knowing her and that he

had recently seen something deeper than her skin. That was good.

That was good. And telling Philip that his cold kind of consolation

had made him shiver.That was being more than a camera. And

then there was the way he had pointed out the tension between

Pam and Philip. No, no, that was camera stuff.

On his walk home Philip struggled to avoid thinking of the

meeting, but the events were too heady to screen out. In a few

minutes he caved in and permitted his thoughts free rein. Old

Epictetus had caught their attention. He always does. Then he

imagined hands reaching out and faces turned toward him. Gill had

become his champion—but not to be taken seriously. Gill

wasn`tfor him but instead wasagainst Pam, trying to learn how to

defend himself against her, and Rose, and all other women.

Rebecca had liked what he had said. Her handsome face lingered

briefly in his mind. And then he thought of Tony—the tattoos, the

bruised cheek. He had never met anyone like him—a real

primitive, but a primitive who is beginning to comprehend a world

beyond everydayness. And Julius—was he losing his sharpness?

How could he defend attachment while acknowledging his

problems of overinvestment in Philip as a patient?

Philip felt jittery, uncomfortable in his skin. He sensed that

he was in danger of unraveling. Why had he told Pam that she was

unlucky to have met him? Is that why she had spoken his name so

often in the meeting—and demanded that he face her? His former

debased self was hovering like a ghost. He sensed its presence,

thirsting for life. Philip quieted his mind and slipped into a walking

meditation.

Suffering, Rage, Perseverance

_________________________

To the learned

men and

philosophers of

Europe: for

you, a windbag

like Fichte is

the equal of

Kant, the

greatest

thinker of all

time, and a

worthless

barefaced

charlatan like

Hegel is

considered to

be a profound

thinker. I have

therefore not

written for

you.

_________________________

If Arthur Schopenhauer were alive today, would he be a candidate

for psychotherapy? Absolutely! He was highly symptomatic. In

«About Me» he laments that nature endowed him with an anxious

disposition and a «suspiciousness, sensitiveness, vehemence, and

pride in a measure that is hardly compatible with the equanimity of

a philosopher.»

In graphic language he describes his symptoms.