Ирвин Ялом - The Schopenhauer Cure

feelingsshould I have?»

«I don`t know about the ‘should.` I`m just asking what

youdid feel. Here`s what I`m wondering: when you were first

seeing him in therapy, would you have felt Julius understood you

more if he revealed that he too had personal experience with sexual

pressure?»

Philip nodded. «That`s an interesting question. The answer

is, maybe, yes. It might have helped. I have no proof, but

Schopenhauer`s writings suggest that he had sexual feelings

similar to mine in intensity and relentlessness. I believe that`s why

I felt so understood by him.

«But there`s something I`ve omitted in talking about my

work with Julius, and I want to set the record straight. When I told

him that his therapy had failed to be of value to me in any way, he

confronted me with the same question raised in the group a little

while ago: why would I want such an unhelpful therapist for a

supervisor? His question helped me recall a couple of things from

our therapy that stuck with me and had, in fact, proved useful.»

«Like what?» asked Tony.

«When I described my typical routinized evening of sexual

seduction—flirtation, pickup, dinner, sexual consummation—and

asked him whether he was shocked or disgusted, he responded

only that it seemed like an exceptionally boring evening. That

response shocked me. It got me realizing how much I had

arbitrarily infused my repetitive patterns with excitement.»

«And the other thing that stuck with you?» asked Tony.

«Julius once asked what epitaph I might request for my

tombstone. When I didn`t come up with anything, he offered a

suggestion: ‘He fucked a lot.` And then he added that the same

epitaph could serve for my dog as well.»

Some members whistled or smiled. Bonnie said, «That`s

mean, Julius.»

«No,” Philip said, «it wasn`t said in a mean way—he meant

to shock me, to wake me up. And itdid stick with me, and I think it

played a role in my decision to change my life. But I guess I

wanted to forget these incidents. Obviously, I don`t like

acknowledging that he`s been helpful.»

«Do you know why?» asked Tony.

«I`ve been thinking about it. Perhaps I feel competitive. If he

wins, I lose. Perhaps I don`t want to acknowledge that his

approach to counseling, so different from mine, works. Perhaps I

don`t want to get too close to him. Perhaps she,” Philip nodded

toward Pam, «is right: I can`t relate to a living person.»

«At least not easily,” said Julius. «But you`re getting closer.»

And so the group continued over the next several weeks: perfect

attendance, hard productive work, and, aside from repeated

anxious inquiries into Julius`s health and the ongoing tension

between Pam and Philip, the group felt trusting, intimate,

optimistic, even serene. No one was prepared for the bombshell

about to hit the group.

Self—Therapy

_________________________

When a man like

me is born

there remains

only one thing

to be desired

from without—

that throughout

the whole of

his life he can

as much as

possible be

himself and

live for his

intellectual

powers.

_________________________

More than anything else, the autobiographical «About Me» is a

dazzling compendium of self–therapy strategies that helped

Schopenhauer stay afloat psychologically. Though some strategies,

devised in anxiety storms at 3A.M. and rapidly discarded at dawn,

were fleeting and ineffective, others proved to be enduring

bulwarks of support. Of these, the most potent was his unswerving

lifelong belief in his genius.

Even in my youth I noticed in myself that, whereas others

strived for external possessions, I did not have to turn to such

things because I carried within me a treasure infinitely more

valuable than all external possessions; and the main thing was

to enhance the treasure for which mental development and

complete independence are the primary conditions.... Contrary

to nature and the rights of man, I had to withdraw my powers

from the advancement of my own well–being, in order to

devote them to the service of mankind. My intellect belonged

not to me but to the world.

The burden of his genius, he said, made him more anxious

and uneasy than he already was by virtue of his genetic makeup.

For one thing, the sensibility of geniuses causes them to suffer

more pain and anxiety. In fact, Schopenhauer persuades himself,

there is a direct relationship between anxiety and intelligence.

Hence, not only do geniuses have an obligation to use their gift for

mankind, but, because they are meant to devote themselves

entirely to the fulfilling of their mission, they were compelled to

forego the many satisfactions (family, friends, home, accumulation

of wealth) available to other humans.

Again and again he calmed himself by reciting mantras

based on the fact of his genius: «My life is heroic and not to be

measured by the standards of Philistines, shopkeepers or ordinary

men.... I must therefore not be depressed when I consider how I

lack those things that are part of an individual`s regular course of

life.... therefore it cannot surprise me if my personal life seems

incoherent and without any plan.» Schopenhauer`s belief in his

genius served also to provide him with a perduring sense of life

meaning: throughout his life he regarded himself as a missionary

of truth to the human race.

Loneliness was the demon that most plagued Schopenhauer,

and he grew adept at constructing defenses against it. Of these, the

most valuable was the conviction that he was master of his

destiny—that he chose loneliness; loneliness did not choose him.

When he was younger, he stated, he was inclined to be sociable,

but thereafter: «I gradually acquired an eye for loneliness, became

systematically unsociable and made up my mind to devote entirely

to myself the rest of this fleeting life.» «I am not,” he reminded

himself repeatedly, «in my native place and not among beings who

are my equal.»

So the defenses against isolation were powerful and deep: he

voluntarily chose isolation, other beings were unworthy of his

company, his genius–based mission in life mandated isolation, the

life of geniuses must be a «monodrama,” and the personal life of a

genius must serve one purpose: facilitating the intellectual life

(hence, «the smaller the personal life, the safer, and thus the

better»).

At times Schopenhauer groaned under the burden of his

isolation. «Throughout my life I have felt terribly lonely and have

always sighed from the depths of my heart, ‘now give me a human

being` but, alas in vain. I have remained in solitude but I can

honestly and sincerely say it has not been my fault, for I have not

shunned or turned away anyone who was a human being.»

Besides, he said, he was not really alone because—and here

is another potent self–therapy strategy—he had his own circle of

close friends: the great thinkers of the world.

Only one such being was a contemporary, Goethe; most of

the others were from antiquity, especially the Stoics, whom he

quoted frequently. Almost every page of «About Me» contains

some aphorism spawned by a great mind supporting his own

convictions. Typical examples:

The best aid for the mind is that which once for all breaks the

tormenting bonds that ensnare the heart.—Ovid

Whoever seeks peace and quiet should avoid women, the

permanent source of trouble and dispute.—Petrarch

It is impossible for anyone not to be perfectly happy who

depends entirely upon himself and who possesses in himself all

that he calls his.—Cicero

A technique used by some leaders of therapy or personal

growth groups is the «who am I?» exercise; members write seven

answers to the question «who am I?» each on a different card, and

then arrange the cards in order of importance. Next they are asked

to turn over one card at a time, beginning with the most peripheral

answer and to meditate upon what it would be like to let go of (that

is, disidentify with) each answer until they get to the attributes of

their core self.

In an analogous manner, Schopenhauer tried on and

discarded various self attributes until he arrived at what he

considered his core self.

When, at times, I felt unhappy it was because I took myself to

be other than I was and then deplored that other person`s

misery and distress. For example, I took myself to be a lecturer

who does not become a professor and has no one to hear his

lectures; or to be one about whom this Philistine speaks ill or

that scandal monger gossips; or to be the lover who is not

listened to by the girl with whom he is infatuated; or to be the

patient who is kept home by illness; or to be other persons

afflicted with similar miseries. I have not been any of these; all

this is the stuff from which the coat has been made which I

wore for a short time and which I then discarded in exchange

for another.

But, then,who am I? I am the man who has writtenThe

World as Will and Representation which has given a solution

to the great problem of existence which perhaps will render

obsolete all previous solutions.... I am that man, and what

could disturb him in the few years in which he has still to draw

breath.

A related soothing strategy was his conviction that sooner or

later, probably after his death, his work would become known and

would drastically alter the course of philosophic inquiry. He first

began expressing this opinion early in life, and his belief in

ultimate success never wavered. In this he was similar to both

Nietzsche and Kierkegaard, two other independent and

unappreciated thinkers who were entirely (and correctly)

convinced that they would have posthumous fame.

He eschewed any supernatural consolations, embracing only

those based on a naturalistic worldview. For example, he believed

that pain ensues from the error of assuming that many of life`s

exigencies are accidental and, hence, avoidable. Far better to

realize the truth: that pain and suffering are inevitable, inescapable,

and essential to life—«that nothing but the mere form in which it

manifests itself depends on chance, and that our present suffering

fills a place...which, without it, would be occupied by some other

suffering. If such a reflection were to become a living conviction,

it might produce a considerable degree of stoical equanimity.»

He urged us to live and experience lifenow rather than live

for the «hope» of some future good. Two generations later

Nietzsche would take up this call. He considered hope our greatest

scourge and pilloried Plato, Socrates, and Christianity for focusing

our attention away from the only life that we have and toward

some future illusory world.

_________________________

Where are there

any real

monogamists? We

all live for a

time and, most

of us, always,

in polygamy.