Steve Andreas - Help with Negative Self–talk Volume I

In everyday life, we presuppose a great deal. In writing this book I presuppose that you can read English, and that the words I write will be meaningful to you. Whenever we use pronouns like "he" or "she" we presuppose that a listener will be able to "fill in the blank" with the appropriate person. If I say, "I couldn't find the cat," that presupposes an "I," a "cat," and that I have been searching for the cat. These ordinary presuppositions rarely cause trouble.

However, when an internal voice says something like, "I can't believe how stupid I am," my stupidity is no longer an opinion, it becomes a presupposed fact That makes it much harder to recognize that it is actually still an opinion. Even when you change that to a statement that someone else makes, "I can't believe how stupid you are," it is still a presupposed fact. There are many other ways to disguise an opinion as a fact by presupposing it. Here are just a few.

"If you were to become smart, I would be very surprised."

"It was your stupidity that caused the problem."

"If you were smart, that wouldn't have happened."

"It's amazing how stupid you are."

"If you were to say something smart, that would really surprise me."

One way to recognize presuppositions would be to learn how to recognize the 31 linguistic forms that can be used to create a presupposition. (10 , pp. 257–261). That can be very useful for anyone who works therapeutically with other people. Fortunately there is a much easier way to detect presuppositions: Take any sentence and negate it, and notice what is still true

For instance, if I negate the first sentence above, that yields, "If you were to become smart, I wouldn't be very surprised," the presupposition that you are not smart is still intact. Try negating the other sentences above, and you will find that the presupposed stupidity is still there in each of them… .

Of course the same linguistic structures can be used to deliver presuppositions that are more positive and useful. If you say to a child, "I can't believe how smart you are," or, "It would surprise me if you became stupid," you can presuppose their intelligence, making it much more likely that the child will accept that as a fact. Try substituting any positive word for "stupid" in the sentences above to confirm that this is true… .

These are just a few of the many traps that lie in wait for us when we use words, because except for "proper nouns" like "Bill Smith," every word is a name for a generalization. Every generalization is an over generalization that has these potential drawbacks. For more detail about how we generalize, and how to use this ability in a positive way, see my book, Six Blind Elephants. (5)

In the next chapter we will examine one of the most troublesome linguistic forms, negation, and its much more useful opposite, positive outcomes, and learn how to change negatives into positives, a path that can lead you efficiently from what you don't want, to what you do want.

The word "negative" has at least two very important meanings. One of these is equivalent to "unpleasant" or "I don't like it." For instance, if someone said, "You're ugly," and you'd like people to think you are good looking, you would probably think of that as a "negative" comment. However, someone else who thinks that good–looking people are shallow might think of that as "positive." This use of the word "negative" depends on the values of the person making the judgment.

There is another quite different use of the word "negative" that is much more specific and unambiguous, namely that a statement contains a negation. For instance, a word like "not," "none," or "never" (not ever) clearly indicates negation. Another form of negation is a prefix like "un— " or "in— " that means "not" as in "unmanageable" or "incompetent."

The sentence "You're ugly" may be unpleasant, but it does not contain a negation. However, the sentence "You're not good looking" has a negation in the word "not." Most people would say that those two sentences mean the same thing, but people experience them in ways that are subtly but significantly different. Try saying, "I'm ugly" and then "I'm not good looking" in turn, and pay close attention to what image you use to represent the meaning of each sentence in your mind… .

If you don't immediately notice the difference, alternate between the two sentences while you notice the images that you use to represent their meaning… .

Reversing the negation in the two sentences above offers another experience of contrast that can sensitize you to how negation works. Change "I'm ugly" to "I'm not ugly," and then change "I'm not good looking," to "I'm good looking" and notice how you respond differently to what is again apparently the same message… .

When you hear a sentence with a negation, a very curious thing happens; you represent whatever is negated, and then that image is "canceled" "erased," or "crossed out" in some way. Even though that image is canceled, it is in your mind briefly, and that draws your attention to it, and that tends to influence your behavior.

The familiar example "Don't think of pink elephants" is a communication that elicits exactly what the command tells you not to do. It is self–contradictory, and no one who understands English can read that sentence and not think of pink elephants. Now that you are thinking of pink elephants, try to not think of them, and notice what you experience in response to doing this… .

Most people experience an internal struggle between thinking of them and trying to not think of them. When you do this, even more attention is devoted to the struggle between these two urges than was devoted to the original pink elephants alone.

Thinking of pink elephants is relatively innocuous, and won't lead to any behavior, except perhaps annoyance or amusement. However if you think of some action or response, like not eating a fattening food, or not feeling nervous, your images of eating and feeling nervous will tend to elicit those behaviors. Even though they are followed by a negation, those images will be in your mind, creating an urge, and the negation creates a conflict that draws your attention to what you don't want to do even more.

For instance, many people who have "weight problems" have an internal voice that repeatedly reminds them not to eat, contributing heavily to their problem. If someone who wants to lose weight says to themselves, "Don't think about that delicious chocolate cake in the refrigerator." that will direct their attention in a way that is likely to result in their eating the cake and gaining weight, which is what they don't want. When they discover this internal voice, and realize how it contributes to their problem, usually their first response is to want to get rid of the voice.

Even if you were able to stop an internal voice, that would leave an empty space. Our senses and our thoughts don't like to be idle, so something else would likely soon fill this space, and it might be something that was even more troublesome than the one you stopped.

Although trying to stop something in your mind is self–defeating, deliberately replacing it with something else is relatively easy. If you think of something you would rather think of, like orange kangaroos, or agile aardvarks, the pink elephants will simply fade away into the background of your attention — until I mention this, and you notice that you are not noticing them!

All of us sometimes talk to ourselves in negations that are not useful. For instance it is common for someone who is about to have an interview, or make a public presentation to think to themselves, "Don't get nervous," or "Don't choke up." Those sentences direct our attention to an image of being nervous or of choking up, and those images will tend to elicit exactly the feelings and behavior that we don't want.

Whenever you discover yourself using negation in this way, you can refocus attention on something more positive that will redirect your attention. If you are getting ready for a public presentation, you can say to yourself, "Stay calm," and if you want to lose weight you can say something like, "Eating well will lead to my being slender and feeling better."

The other main alternative is to utilize negation in a more positive way by saying something like, "Don't be too calm when you prepare to speak," or "Don't think about how great you will feel when you have reached your desired weight." That kind of self–talk uses negation to direct your attention in a much more useful way.

Negation is very tricky process, particularly when our statements apply to ourselves, rather than only our behavior. For instance, "I am not a cruel person," will not work well, but "I am a kind person" will. In general, it is much better to avoid using negation. However, even attending to a positive statement of what you want can sometimes be tricky.

For instance, some people want to have "self–worth" or "self–confidence," and those sound like positive things. However, if someone feels a lack of self–worth, that is actually a negation of who they are. Then if they try to gain self–worth, that will be a negation of the original negation, creating further conflict! It usually works much better to identify the original negation of self–worth, and change that. If you would like to explore how negation works in more detail, you can read more in (7,ch.11 & 12, or5,ch. 2).

To summarize, it is much more useful to talk to yourself so that you attend to what you do want than what you don't want, much more useful to attend to a solution than a problem. If you are aiming an arrow at a target, it is much more useful to attend to where you do want the arrow to go, than where you don't want it to go. Attending to a positive desired outcome, rather than a negated problem is a very important first step.

However, the next step is to make sure that what you say to yourself will actually get the results that you want. Every culture has some folk tale like W.W. Jacob's The Monkey's Paw, in which someone is given three wishes. In these stories the last wish is always used to undo the damage caused by the first two. For instance, in one such tale, a hungry peasant couple are given three wishes. Since she is hungry, she immediately wishes for a salami. He is enraged that she would wish for such a trivial thing, and wishes for the salami to grow onto her nose. Then the last wish is

used to remove the salami from her nose, and they are right back where they started — still hungry, but hopefully a bit wiser. There are many other sayings with the same message of caution about what you wish for.

"There are two great tragedies in life; one is to not get your heart's desire; the other is to get it" (George Bernard Shaw)

"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck" (The Dalai Lama)

"Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real disasters in life begin when you get what you want"(F. Scott Fitzgerald)

"Be careful what you wish for, for some day it may be yours"

If you specify your outcome carefully in advance, you can avoid these gloomy prophecies. Fortunately there is a systematic way to examine any desired outcome and modify it to be reasonably sure that it will be satisfying.