Steve Andreas - Help with Negative Self–talk Volume I

Pause to notice if your response to what the voice says in its original location is the same now as before you tried these experiments, or whether it is different now? …

Typically hearing an unpleasant voice in locations more distant from your head will be the most comfortable, and locations near your head, or inside your head, will be most unpleasant. Hearing a troublesome voice from the stomach is usually unpleasant, and the feeling that results may be confused with hunger, loneliness, or nausea. Hearing a troublesome voice coming from your heart may be particularly unpleasant and confusing. Some people actually do this without realizing it, and it is not particularly useful in helping them live productive lives. I have asked you to experiment with hearing a troublesome voice from your stomach or heart only to give you an experience of the importance of location.

Next review the results of these little experiments, and ask yourself, "In which location was it most comfortable for me to listen to this troubling voice?" …

Now hear the voice coming from that location, and experiment with also changing the direction of the voice, in order to find which direction improves your feeling response the most… .

Now hear that voice coming from outside your body. First hear it from 2 feet in front of your face… .

And then 10 feet in front of you… .

And then 30 feet in front of you… . And then 100 feet in front of you… . And then even farther away than that… .

Usually a voice that is farther away will be less impactful, and easier to listen to. Often distance also changes the volume of the voice, and may also change its tonality. Although distance alone is usually a way to reduce the impact of a voice, direction can also be important, and I'd like you to experiment with that.

Now hear the voice behind you, and again experiment with hearing it 2, 10, 30, 100 feet away and even farther… .

Now compare hearing the voice the same distance in front of you and behind you, and notice any differences… .

Usually a voice that is behind you will be less impactful because many people have their past experiences behind them and their future experiences in front of them.

Next hear the voice coming from your left side, and experiment with distance in the same way — 2, 10, 30, 100 feet away and farther… .

Next hear the voice on your right side, and experiment with distance in the same way… .

Now compare hearing the voice the same distance to the left of you and to the right of you, and notice any differences… .

Often a voice will be less impactful on the left than the right, because many people have their past on their left, and their future on their right.

Next hear the voice above you, and experiment with distance… .

Next hear the voice below you, and do the same… .

Now compare hearing the voice above you and below you, and notice any differences… .

I have asked you to experiment with hearing the voice in the six main spatial dimensions, but of course there are an infinite number of other possible directions. If you experiment with some other direction in relation to your body, you may find a way to change the impact of the voice even more… .

Why does location matter so much, and why does moving a voice farther away from your head usually make it less disturbing and easier to listen to? When something threatens us in the real world, if it is closer to us, we need to respond more quickly and intensely to protect ourselves. If a threat is farther away, we have more time to prepare a response, so it isn't as urgent. When a threat is very close to you, you had better attend to it, but if it is behind you it is much less urgent, even when the content — what the voice says — is the same.

Changing the location in space also works with internal images. Recently Lewis Walker, an NLP–trained MD in Scotland, author of a book about medical applications of NLP, (20) saw a young woman who had witnessed two of her friends killed in a motorcycle accident the day before:

When she came into my office she had already dissolved into tears before she sat down. Through the sobs she told me about the smash. One friend was decapitated, the other with a bit of leg thrown across the carriageway. As she described how "The pictures are all in front of my face," both hands were gesturing about 2 inches from her eyes.

I said something like, "Let me take these for you," as I reached over with my right hand and grabbed her pictures, while simultaneously making a "ripping" noise as I stood up and hauled them off to her left side, and then diagonally behind her. I asked her to "Look at all these pictures in my hand as they shrink way down in size and all the color drains away," cupping and closing my right hand as I did so.

At this point her body in the chair was facing ahead, while her head was looking over her left shoulder. I took the images to the corner of the room near the door and said. "Now just imagine they're fixed right here by a nail, and I hit the door post with my fist. "Now knowing that they're fixed here, in your mind's eye look straight ahead and tell me how things are different now… ."

She visibly relaxed, the tears subsided, and she felt more in control. As I sat down again in front of her I said, "Keeping them nailed over there, what happens as you take this into tomorrow, and the next day, into next week and next month (gesturing with my left hand along her future timeline out to her right) knowing that with each passing day that (pointing to her images of the accident) gets farther and farther away as it recedes into the distance."

She was much calmer now and could tell me about what happened after the accident, and how their motorcycle group was still planning to go on a tour to Germany in 3 weeks, and that she was going to go out on her motorcycle with her husband when he got home that night.

The whole consultation lasted no more than 15 minutes, and probably saved weeks — perhaps years — of the standard approach of "talking it through."

Some people may find that just reading the paragraph above has created nasty images of the crash. If so, you have an opportunity to use the same process that Lewis used, and verify how well and how quickly it works. First notice where your images of the crash are, and how you feel as you view them… .

Then simply allow those images to shift off to the left and behind you ten feet or more, and as they do, they can become small, flat, black and white photos, and then notice how your response to them is different… .

If you ask someone to change the location and direction of a voice, as described previously, they may find it difficult, especially if they are not used to making these kinds of changes. The voice may be difficult to move, or it may immediately move back to its previous location, as if it had a "mind of its own." When this occurs, it will often be helpful to change your wording. Instead of "move the voice," try saying, "watch as it moves," or "notice what happens as you allow the voice to move" and see if that makes it easier for the voice to move away and achieve some distance between you and the voice.

If the voice still doesn't move, or immediately returns to its original location when you move it, there may be a good reason, and it is best to respect this, even when you don't know the reason. If you want to explore this further, you can imagine that the voice is another person, and ask it, "What would I lose if I moved the voice into that location?" and then listen to what the voice answers. The voice might say something like, "If you don't listen to me, you might get into trouble." If you reply to the voice, "In a farther location it would be easier for me to listen to what you say, and I would be more willing to hear you," the voice may be willing to change location.

There are other ways to create separation between you and a voice that are less direct, and that almost anyone can do, and this is easy to confirm in your own experience. Think of a self–critical voice and notice whether it says, "I am — " or "You are — " and how you feel in response… .

Now keep all the other words the same, but switch to the other possibility (from "I am — " to "You are — " or the reverse) and again notice any difference in how you feel in response… .

When a voice says, "/ am —(stupid, boring, etc.) there is usually very little separation between you and the voice; the conflict is apparently between two parts of yourself. But when the voice says "You are — " (stupid, boring, etc.) it is clear that the conflict is between you and someone else, and the voice is usually located outside your head, more distant.

When I do this, the location shifts from in the center of my head for "I am — " to a location outside my head and about a foot to the left of my left ear for "You are — " This is true even when I don't have an image of anyone saying those words. When the voice is in my head, I feel a little unsettled or wiggly, as if I don't quite know who I am. Am I the voice, or am I my feelings in response to the voice? Since they are in conflict, it is hard to identify with either one. But when the voice is out to the side, the separation between the two sides of the conflict — between the voice and my feeling in response — is much clearer. The voice is someone else, and my feelings are mine, and I feel more solid about who I am.

Now if you ask, "Who is speaking to you in this way," or "Who does that voice belong to?" that makes an even clearer separation between you and the voice that is speaking to you. This separation is not just a matter of making an intellectual distinction between self and other; it actually increases your experience of separation in space. This greater separation will usually lessen the intensity of your feeling, because a danger or challenge that is farther away from you is less immediately threatening. You can easily confirm this in your own experience. Think of a troublesome voice, and first notice what it says… .

Then notice whether it says, "I am — " or "You are — " …

If it says, "I am — " change it to "You are — " as in the previous experiment… .

Next identify who is speaking to you in this way, and notice if you have an image of this person who is speaking to you. (If you can't immediately identify whose voice this is, ask yourself, "If I did know, who would it be?) …

Many people will spontaneously get an image of the speaker as a way to identify who it is. If you already have an image of them, notice what it is like to hear the same voice with or without this image… .

Usually a voice with an image will be farther away in physical location than a voice without an image. Even when this is not the case, your sense of separation is likely to be stronger, and your sense of who you are will feel more solid.

That image of the speaker will usually be seen outside the person. If that doesn't happen spontaneously, say to yourself, "Can you remember when this person spoke to you in this way," and you will usually see the other person outside yourself as you retrieve a memory of a specific event, in a specific context.

This image of the person who is speaking may be directly in front of you, or it may be somewhat off to the side, or less often even behind you. But wherever they are located, they will usually be facing toward you. Often your image of this other person will also be somewhat higher than you are, in a position of power or authority.