Vadim Kucherenko - The Curse of Hermes Trismegistus

Characters:

Golyshkin Stalver Udarpyatovich – professor.

Rodion – his son.

Myshevskiy Andrey Sigizmundovich – a big businessman

Olga – a nurse.

Vykhukhole Sergey Yurevich – a psychiatrist

Ogranovich Elena Pavlovna – a notary.

There is an apartment in an old apartment house built yet in the early 20 thcentury. The apartment has many ample rooms with high ceilings. Beside a massive hanger made of oak and a huge mirror of Venetian glass the main decoration of a big hallway is an antique floor clock with a pendulum. The doorbell keeps ringing with some short breaks. Finally, Rodion dressed in a night-suit shows up from the shade of the room and opens the door. Myshevsky comes in. The clock strikes twelve.

Myshevskiy. Good afternoon. Sorry, it looks like I woke you up. But I have an appointment.

Rodion. Is it morning already?

Myshevskiy. I would say noon if one can trust this clock.

Rodion. Oh, I wish this damned pendulum tore off! It just scares buddies… Anything to drink?

Myshevskiy. I’d rather have some tea.

Rodion. Actually, I mean harder revivers.

Myshevskiy. No, thanks. Besides, there is no reason for it.

Rodion. My grandfather – God rest his soul – used to say: there is something to drink, there is always a reason. Well, I as you like though…

Myshevskiy. So, can I see professor Golyshkin? Stalver Udarpyatovich made me an appointment at twelve. Is he in?

Rodion. He must be in his home office scribbling some book or surfing some porno sites. It depends on whether he is dragging his ass now or cooing some stuff over.

Myshevskiy. Can I see him?

Rodion. My grandfather Udarpyat Rodionovich Golyshkin would answer such a question like that – it doesn’t hurt to try.

Myshevskiy. Actually, this expression belongs to Stalin. And it is pretty backhanded.

Rodion. My grandfather used to consider Stalin a great man. In all terms.

Myshevskiy. Your grandfather was…?

Rodion. He was a State Security General. Does it make you feel uneasy?

Myshevskiy. No, but it makes something clear. My grandfather was just a doctor, but before making a decision he had to think a lot. In return, one could never argue with his diagnosis.

Rodion. It looks like your grandfather was a dull beggar.

Myshevskiy. He was quite a sociable person. Until the day he was condemned. Condemned to twenty five years without a right of correspondence. As a people’s enemy… So, will you let me in?

Rodion. If you walk alone it will take you time to find a right way. This apartment is just a maze! There are too many rooms for a philosopher. The old Diogenes would have praised my dad for it.

Myshevskiy. Then show me to his room. If it doesn’t trouble you.

Rodion. Well, let’s go then. Follow me and don’t turn anywhere. If a bat seats on your shoulder don’t think that it’s a pipe dream. After my mom’s death our house has got quite shabby.

Myshevskiy. I feel quite comfortable here as if I came back home after a long trip.

Rodion. Really, you are not a normal guy. I noticed it right away, when you refused from drinking.

Myshevskiy. It could happen after your mother’s death. Sometimes houses get shabby when a brownie leaves them.

Rodion. What’s the rubbish?

Myshevskiy. It looks like you don’t know the folklore beliefs. In old times in Russia a good-natured brownie was believed to keep hearth and home. It was the brownie who maintained coziness at home and kept the quite spirit of its hosts.

Rodion. Oh, blimey! Actually, I thought that cats keep hearth and home.

Myshevskiy. Cats get used to people, but brownies – to homes. When an old host dies the brownie starts exhausting the new one if he doesn’t like him. However, sometimes the brownie just leaves. The house is getting shabby and abandoned.

Rodion. So, you mean, that my dad and me put a slight upon your good guy brownie, huh?

Myshevskiy. Actually, this is your brownie. By the way, how long have you been living here?

Rodion. As long as I remember myself. My father inherited this apartment from my grandfather who used to say that it belonged yet to his grandfather. So, it’s a kind of family castle devolving by the Golyshkins. I am balling of it! The noble Golyshkins family!

Myshevskiy. Are you absolutely sure?

Rodion. You mean that we are a noble family?

Myshevskiy. I mean that this apartment belonged to your grand-grandfather?

Rodion. Hey, listen, you screw me down with your questions! Why are you stuck in them?

Myshevskiy. It’s just curiosity.

Rodion. It’s bullshit! Okay, we’ve come finally…

Rodion and Myshevsky enter the room which serves as a working office for Golyshkin. He is writing something on a sheet of paper sitting at a massive antique desk. Along the walls there are book shelves filled with books in golden leather covers. There are a few arm-chairs and chairs, as well as a small coffee table in the corner. All is antique. Only a telephone on a desk indicates the present times. The canvases with portraits of ancient philosophers hang on the walls. Among them there is a portrait of Stalin which is of a little bigger size.

Rodion. Hey, dad, there is a guest for you! You will get along. He is also a weird buddy as you are.

Golyshkin. Stop scoffing, Rodion! Speak normal language like a civilized person. Get dressed, please! What would other people think of you? Walking in a night-suit in daytime!

Rodion. Don’t hand a line on me! Let them think whatever they want. I am at home. I am dressed as I want. If somebody doesn’t like my home getup…

Myshevskiy. I don’t care at all.

Golyshkin. But I am waiting for one person…

Rodion. For Olenka?

Golyshkin. It’s not your business! Besides, she is not Olenka for you. For you she is Olga Alekseevna, a nurse from a community hospital – that’s it!

Rodion. As you say, dad. Okay, I get out of this game.

Golyshkin. Such an impudent boy!

Rodion. I am going to put champagne in the fridge. Professor, what do you think, Olenka… oh, sorry, a nurse from a community hospital, wouldn’t refuse from a glass of champagne? I guess she wouldn’t refuse from a glass of awesome champagne!

Golyshkin. Get out of here until I throw this book at your stupid head!

Rodion. I would never think that a book could be such a strong argument. You can be damned persuasive, professor!

Rodion leaves whistling a tune of “Marseillaise”.

Golyshkin. Such a wretched boy! What can I do with him?

Myshevskiy. You shouldn’t love him so much.

Golyshkin. Is my love so obvious?

Myshevskiy. Your intonations reveals you. In such a way a mother speaks to her beloved infant terrible.

Golyshkin. You think that I make harm to my son with my excessive love?

Myshevskiy. All that is excessive is harmful. Absolute power. Blood feud. Blind love. You know what the Bible says about it? «The one who loves his son should often punish him». I often read this book before going to bed. I have two sons.

Golyshkin. When his mother died… from a heart attack unexpectedly for everyone… I took her death very grievously, but Rodion… He quitted the University and locked himself in his room. He didn’t come out for almost a year. He had been sitting in the corner crying. He cried in such a mournful way like a scared doggy… I was afraid that I might lose him and remain alone. Do you know how frightening loneliness is?

Myshevskiy. My father had seven children. I have five. Beside two sons there are three daughters. How should I know what loneliness is like? Sometimes, I am longing to become alone. But fortunately, this desire leaves me quickly.

Golyshkin. I can only say that you are a happy man Mr. …

Myshevskiy. Myshevskiy. Andrey Myshevskiy. I called you yesterday, Stalver Udarpyatovich and asked for an appointment. You invited me at your place.

Golyshkin. Oh, sure! I remember, dear Andrey… Excuse me, what is your patronymic name?

Myshevskiy. My father’s name was Sigizmund, so I am Andrey Sigizmundovich. One can’t pronounce it in one breath. So, if it’s difficult for you…

Golyshkin. Why should it be difficult for me? My father’s name was also not a simple one – Udarpyat. It is a short form of a word, standing for “shock worker of a five-year state plan”. There was such time: mass enthusiasm, peoples’ creativity boom and all that stuff…

Myshevskiy. You are right. There was cool time!

Golyshkin. So, my father Udarpyat Rodionovich without evasion gave me a name of Stalver. It is a short form standing for “I trust Stalin». So, how should I react to all this?

Myshevskiy. Philosophically.

Golyshkin. You are right. Perhaps, only thanks to my name I received a PhD in Philosophy.

Myshevskiy. Following your theory, Stalver Udarpyatovich I became a businessman only thanks to my patronymic name Sigizmundovich?

Golyshkin. Mm-m… Anyway, I managed to break this vicious circle. To my son I gave a name in honor of my grandfather, a peasant from a Tambov province. Actually, it was him with his rich imagination and deep trust to the Soviet power who initiated all that. His name was Rodion. Such a beautiful and simple Russian name. But I see, it’s not interesting for you…

Myshevskiy. Well…

Golyshkin. Excuse me, the old man, I was carried away with my reflections! As far as I remember, your visit is related to my new book?

Myshevskiy. Yes, you are right, Stalver Udarpyatovich. I got very interested in your “Theosophical System of Nature Levels and Existence of Endless Variety of Matter Forms in the Light of Spiritualism”. Is it this book you are holding now?

Golyshkin. Hm-m… I would put you an “excellent” mark if you took my exam, Mr. Myshevsky. You pronounced a title of my book without a single stumbling. It’s not common, I tell you.

Myshevskiy. No wonder, professor. I have thought a lot about it. You claim that all material phenomena might be turned eventually into spiritual ones…

Golyshkin. Well, it’s not me who claims that. I mean I am not the first and the only…

Myshevskiy. Perhaps, it is true professor. But I read about this idea from your book.

Golyshkin. It’s nice to hear that, Andrey Sigizmundovich. By the way, which direction of spiritualism does appeal to you more – absolute or relative? Do you prefer to follow Berkley or the old Aristotle?

Myshevskiy. It’s hard for me to answer your question, professor. Actually, I have rather vague idea about spiritualism. I told you, I am a businessman. I came here not to discuss controversial issues of theosophy but with a specific goal.

Golyshkin. What goal?

Myshevskiy. To turn your abilities into money, Stalver Udarpyatovich. You are my golden mine, professor.

Golyshkin. Excuse me, but me and money are two incompatible things. Haven’t you read my book? Perhaps, you noticed that it’s too far from materialism. Yes, I admit that a human body requires its special living conditions. However, I consider the body to be a product of spiritual activity of a human being. I doubt that one can make money out of it.

Myshevskiy. What if you are mistaken, professor?

Golyshkin. Then do persuade me, Mr. Myshevsky! I would be even glad. But before taking this Sisyphean labor… would you like a cup of tea?

Myshevskiy. I would prefer black coffee with no sugar, no milk.

Golyshkin. As for me, I prefer green tea with jasmine. It smells marvelous!