Frost - Marianna Baer

this.

“I haven’t checked, but I believe this is the first strike against

everyone involved. Luckily. So, you’ll meet with the disciplinary

committee, but it won’t lead to anything as serious as expulsion.”

Her words hit me like a slap. “The disciplinary committee?” I

said. “Really?”

“Of course. What did you think?”

What did I think? I thought she’d write it off as a stupid, but

harmless, mistake.

I thought I was special.

I stood at the bottom of the narrow stairs, looking up at the

closed door to Viv’s room waiting for me at the top. I hadn’t yet

seen Celeste or the supposed disaster area. In the common room,

the only sign of something amiss was a black garbage bag with

Celeste’s violet comforter inside. It smelled like rotting fruit. I

couldn’t imagine why, and didn’t really care. The only thing I

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cared about was being alone in my room. But I knew I had to face

Viv and Abby first. If I delayed tel ing them, it would just be

hanging over my head for longer.

I forced myself to lift my legs. Step. Step. Step. My hand felt

heavy as a cement block when I raised it to knock on Viv’s door.

“Yeah?” Viv answered.

“Can I come in?” A question I never would have bothered

asking before tonight.

There was a pause. “Whatever.”

Viv and Abby sat together on the bed, each holding a mug of

tea. Normally, I’d have joined them, but I knew better, especially

from the looks on their faces.

“You guys made it back okay?” I said, standing awkwardly

just inside the doorway.

“Obviously.” Abby said. “Seeing as we’re here.”

“I’m so, so, sorry, you guys,” I said. “But I didn’t have any

control over this. I didn’t know Celeste was leaving.”

“No control?” Abby said. “Seems to me you’re the one who

told the dean about Viv’s parents. In other words, the one who

ruined our weekend.”

“I’m sorry,” I said again. “I feel terrible. I’ll do whatever I can

to make it up to you guys.”

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“What do you want, Leen?” Viv asked in a tired voice.

I drew a deep breath. “I talked to Dean Shepherd. And she

said that we have to meet with the DC. But because it’s our first

offense, we don’t have to worry about being kicked out.”

“Kicked out!” Abby sat up straighter. “Are you kidding?”

“I said we’re not going to be kicked out.”

“But it’s a first strike?” Abby said. “You know what that

means? No drinking, no smoking, no illegal parietals or sneaking

out at night. No anything! During senior year! If we’re caught

doing anything, we’re kicked out. We might as well be handcuffed

to our desks!”

“I know. I’m sorry. It sucks.”

Viv’s hand flew up to her mouth. “Oh my God.”

“What?” Abby said.

“Oh my God,” she repeated.

“Viv. What? ”

“Cameron,” Viv said, her voice quiet. “Freshman year. Before

we were together. He was busted for drinking.”

“He’s on probation?” I said. How could I not have known

that?

Viv nodded.

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A weight dropped in my gut like a cannonball.

“Viv,” I said. “You know I didn’t mean—”

She pressed one hand against her eyes and waved the other

in my direction. “Just go. Okay? Go.”

“Please, Viv, I—”

Abby glared at me. “What part of ‘go’ don’t you

understand?”

Thankfully, the door to what was now Celeste’s bedroom

was closed. I’d have locked it from the outside if I could.

Trembling, I took Cubby off the windowsill and opened the

door to my closet, momentarily jarred by how uncomfortably

large and bright it seemed, empty of clothes. But then the smell

and the soft air reached for me, and I knew it was still the same.

Celeste had dumped my clothes from the other room in a pile; it

only took me a few moments to hang them up—everything

except my ankle-length puffer coat, which I spread on the floor in

one corner. The space wasn’t nearly as full as with Celeste’s

wardrobe, but it would do. I scooted into the corner with the

puffer as a cushion. No more worrying about Celeste walking in

on me. And I didn’t foresee Abby or Viv coming to visit anytime

soon. The thought made my throat swell. I breathed deeply,

inhaling the familiar, comforting scent.

“What am I going to do?” I said to Cubby.

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The ring of my phone from my pocket startled me. I only

answered because it was David.

“How’d it go?” he said.

It took me a second to realize he meant the meeting with

Dean Shepherd. “Okay,” I said.

“Really?”

I bit the inside of my lip, remembering. My voice trembled.

“Well, sort of.” Then I started to cry. “Can we . . . I’m sorry, can I

just talk to you tomorrow? I can’t really deal right now.”

“Of course. Are you okay, Leena? Have you seen Celeste?”

“No. Not yet.” And whenever I did would be too soon. “I’m

sorry. I really have to go.”

I hung up, took off my glasses, and pressed the heels of my

hands against my eyelids to try and make it stop. But the tears

were too strong for that. I lifted off Cubby’s head. My fingers

fumbled with the baggies of pills. I set aside ones I didn’t want.

Found the one I did.

“Everything is ruined,” I whispered even though there was

no need to be quiet anymore.

You’re here now , she said. It’s okay .

“But Cameron . . . . I’ve ruined his life . And Viv’ll never

forgive me.”

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Shhh . . . You don’t need her .

I wanted to believe what I was telling myself. Wanted to

believe I’d be all right. But I knew it wasn’t true. Of course I

needed my friends. They were . . . everything.

Bit by bit, a calm settled over my body. My tears stopped,

and I slept. A deep sleep, not the sleep of someone who’s worried

she might have lost three of the most important people in her

life.

The sleep of someone who knows she’s come home.

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Part Two

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Chapter 27

I SLEPT IN THE CLOSET UNTIL surprisingly late the next

morning. When I stood up, my limbs and spine hurt as if I’d spent

the night digging a deep hole; my head ached so much I was

ready to jump in the hole and be buried. I immediately took a

couple of Tylenol. As the pills scraped their way down my dry

throat, the events of the night before came back with more

clarity, making my stomach hurt, too—the kind of ache that no

medicine could help. I grabbed a clean towel and shuffled into the

hallway. Celeste was just locking the door to the little room,

dressed to go outside in a short, plaid wool cape, miniskirt, and

the green beret. As if everything was perfectly normal.

“Hey,” I said.

She turned to face me. Dark hollows shadowed her eyes, her

skin was dull, lips chapped—aside from her pulled-together outfit,

she looked as bad as I felt. I’d thought I was going to have trouble

controlling my anger, but much of it drained away.

“What happened?” I said. “We were really worried.”

“I took the Fung Wah Bus to Boston,” she said. “Bummer

with my leg, but only fifteen dollars.”

“You know that’s not what I meant.” I leaned my back

against the wall. “Why didn’t you talk to us before leaving? You

do realize we’re all going to disciplinary committee because of

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this?” Silence. “Cameron might get kicked out.” Saying those

words made me want to vomit.

“You weren’t in the room. How was I going to talk to you?”

she said, scratching inside the top of her cast.

“Was it because of me and David?”

“Because it turned out you’re a slut like the rest of them?”

“Excuse me?” I said, standing up straight again. “Not that it’s

any of your business, but nothing much happened.”

“Of course it’s my business. He’s my brother.”

“Exactly,” I snapped. “He’s your brother , not your boyfriend

or husband. You get pissed when he asks about your romantic

life.”

She didn’t respond, just resumed scratching. How could she

be so cavalier about this?

“Look,” I said, trying to retain some sort of composure. I

couldn’t stand any more fighting. “David and I are going to be

hanging out, like you’ve wanted all semester. So I need to know

why you’re so upset. I mean, you out-and-out told me you

wanted us to get together. Is it . . .” I didn’t quite know how to ask

if she was jealous without implying she was in love with her own

brother. “Are you concerned he won’t have as much time for

you?”

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Scratch, scratch, scratch. She didn’t look up as she spoke. “Of

course not. I already told you I wanted David to have a girlfriend

so he’d get off my back.”

“Okay, well . . .” I couldn’t force her to admit to it. And what

good would it do, anyway? At this point, I wasn’t going to break

up with David to make her feel better. “Dean Shepherd is really

worried about you. She wants to know what’s going on. Why you

came back early and everything. And why you moved out of the

big room.”

That got Celeste’s attention. “I told her why,” she said.

“Because you don’t like all the windows? She didn’t buy it.

Well, she didn’t buy that you’d have come back early from New

York to do it.”

“What did you tell her?”

“Just that maybe you’d been uncomfortable that David and I

were together.”

Celeste’s mouth dropped open. “What, like I wanted him for

myself?”

“No! Not like that,” I said. “It was the only reason I could

think of.”

“You didn’t tell her about . . . you know, the stuff I told you

before, did you?”

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“No.” I hugged the folded towel closer to my body. “But

Celeste, if that’s why you switched rooms, if you’re really still

having those strange thoughts—that someone’s . . . watching you,

or trying to mess with you—maybe we should tell someone.”

She shook her head. “You promised you wouldn’t. You can’t .

I told you how bad it would be for me. And I told you I felt better

the next day. That was just a bad night, before I realized the cat

had done it. I blew it all out of proportion. You promised, Leena.”

“I know. But things change.”

“You know what’s changed?” she said. “I slept last night.

Comfortably. I told you I didn’t like those windows the very first

day. And then with all the other weird stuff that happened . . .

Can’t you see why I freaked out in there? Now I don’t have to

worry.”

Her exhausted appearance didn’t match this version of

events. “Are you sure?” I said. “Why is your comforter in the

trash?”

A flicker of something—fear? panic?—passed across her

face. “David didn’t take it yet?” she said. “It got wet and mildewy

while we were gone. Rain through the windows. He has to wash

it.”

“The windows were shut,” I said. I’d locked them all before