Frost - Marianna Baer

DURING THE NEXT WEEKS, my ability to concentrate

almost vanished with the last of the tree leaves. Responsibilities

faded into a sort of background noise that only rarely got loud

enough so I’d pay attention. Not that I stopped attending class or

doing homework, or that I wasn’t aware that college apps and

interviews were looming, just that I felt sort of numb when I tried

to care about any of it. Occasionally, I’d realize that I needed to

pull myself together—when I got a B minus on an English paper,

for example—but most of the time I couldn’t work up enough

energy to make a difference.

Some colleges sent interviewers to campus. Columbia was

one. The morning of my interview I woke up with the sudden

realization that I’d done nothing to prepare. Hadn’t I received a

Columbia catalogue? And hadn’t my college counselor given me a

handout with interview tips? Well, if I’d ever had either of these

things, I couldn’t find them. So instead of going to my Gender

Relations seminar, I read everything I could on the Columbia

website and printed out a few online lists of the most popular

college interview questions.

After lunch I went home to change clothes and gather

myself. I chose a black miniskirt, black tights, and a charcoal-gray

turtleneck sweater. Then I went into the closet.

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I turned on the camping lantern and settled into the corner

with my list of possible questions. For a moment I closed my eyes

and felt the calming effect of the space seeping into my mind and

muscles. Everything was going to be okay. I had plenty of time to

prepare. I just needed to concentrate.

I assigned Cubby the task of interviewer. I didn’t need her in

here to hear her voice, but I’d have felt stupid being interviewed

by the walls.

Why do you want to go to this college? she began, her

schoolmarm tone perfect for the role.

“I don’t,” I said, then laughed. “No, wait. I don’t think that’s a

good answer. Ask me again.”

Why do you want to go to this college?

Even in here, without the pressure, my mind was blank. I

couldn’t say, Because I need to live in New York so I can shack up

with my boyfriend. Not to mention that I’d read on the website

that first-year students were supposed to live on campus. (There

had to be a way around that, right?) Such a basic question and I

couldn’t even think of an answer, couldn’t remember why

Columbia had been one of my top choices this past summer. My

eye twitched. Okay, I’d come back to that one.

I moved on to the next question.

What do you think you can bring to this college?

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“Uh, I guess I bring a concern and caring for the . . . the

health of the community. I’ll talk about starting peer counseling

here.” I didn’t think I had to mention that I was on hiatus from the

program.

What is your biggest weakness?

“Hmm . . . I’m supposed to say something that’s really a

strength.”

You don’t know?

I pulled my turtleneck up over my chin. “My biggest

weakness?” I had plenty of weaknesses, but none of them

seemed like the type I could spin into strengths.

This one isn’t a strength.

What did that mean? What was I trying to say? “If you’re

trying to make me less nervous for my interview, it’s not

working.”

I pushed Cubby aside. This wasn’t the time to be worrying

about all of the things that were wrong with me. Maybe trying to

anticipate questions was stupid. Not to mention, my body was

beginning to crave a nap, the way it often did after lunch. Resting

was probably a better plan than making myself more nervous

about the interview. I slid down and curled up with my head on a

pillow, and let my mind go blank, a slight ache pulsing at my

temples. The minutes ticked by. My limbs felt heavier and

heavier. At 1:45 I made a motion to stand up, but I couldn’t bring

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myself to do it. It was like a multiple snooze-button morning. I

kept trying to get up, but my mind kept dragging me down.

“I don’t want to go,” I said. And I knew what I meant. There

were many ways it was true. I didn’t want to go to the interview. I

didn’t want to go to Columbia. I didn’t want to go anywhere.

No one is making you , Cubby said.

“But I have to.” I pushed into my palms, hoping I’d be able to

raise myself up, hoping I wouldn’t be able to.

You don’t have to. You can stay right here.

David found me in the backyard where I was finally planting

the bulbs I’d bought at Home Depot.

“Leena.” He crossed the yard with quick, long strides.

“What’s going on? Why didn’t you answer my calls?”

“Sorry. I’ve been out here for a while.” My cheeks, cold from

the damp fall air, heated up.

“Didn’t you have your interview at two?”

“Mm-hm.” I turned my attention back to the hole I’d been

digging for the next bulb. An angular stone blocked my trowel

from going deeper. I reached down and worked it out of the hard

earth.

“So . . .” he said. “How’d it go?”

“Okay.”

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“Just okay? C’mon, you’ve got to give me more than that.”

David leaned his knees against my back. His hands raked

through my hair, tingled my scalp. The affection intensified the

guilt in my stomach.

“Good. It was good.” I nestled a lumpy tulip bulb in the hole.

“Harder than I thought, maybe.” I couldn’t possibly tell him the

truth: that I’d been twenty minutes late. And that my interview

clothes had been rumpled and wrinkled from my time in the

closet. A raw breeze slid across my scarfless neck. I shivered.

“Hard? What kind of hard?” David said.

Why couldn’t he leave it alone? I fil ed the hole with soil and

smacked it down with the back of the trowel, then brushed my

hands together. I stood up and turned to face him.

“Look,” I said, “you’re not going through all this college stuff,

so maybe you don’t get that it’s really not a fun topic.” My voice

had an edge to it.

His lips parted for a moment. “I’m just asking because I’m

psyched for next year. That’s all. Did it . . . did it not go well?”

“I’m going inside. It’s cold.” I walked around the side of the

house. David’s steps crinkled dry leaves behind me.

“Leena,” he said. “Wait . . .”

My throat tightened. David had no way of knowing it was

myself I was angry at. He followed me inside, down the hall.

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Hot water from the bathroom faucet cut through the

blackish soil on my hands and swirled it down the drain. Warmth

flooded up from my hands and through my body as if the boiling

liquid was running directly through my veins.

“I’m sorry,” David said from outside the bathroom door. “I

just—”

“I can’t hear you,” I called over the whoosh of water. “I’ll be

out in a minute.”

I turned off the tap and dried my pink hands on a towel.

Afternoon sun filtered through the bathroom’s small stained-glass

window, a window not so different in style from the one drawn

on my skin, the one that continued to fade, as if my body was

trying to forget the memory of my old room. The late sun cast a

red-and-blue glow on the wall above the tub. The chalky white

paint absorbed the color like a bloodstain.

I did want to live with David next year, didn’t I? Why had I

jeopardized that by screwing up my interview? Twenty minutes

late is unheard of. Unthinkable. A big, red X on my application

folder.

What had Cubby told me when I’d been in the closet after

my interview? You’ll end up where you’re supposed to be . A good

philosophy to live by.

I found David waiting for me on my bed.

“Did you get parietals?” I asked.

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“I checked before. She’s not home.”

“David.” I stood next to him instead of sitting down. “You

know we can’t risk getting busted.”

“When has she ever, ever come back here?” he said. “Not

once.” He reclined on an elbow and patted the bed with his other

hand. Reluctantly, I shrugged off my jacket and sat next to him.

He reached his hand under the back of my sweater. The cold

touch sent tentacles creeping up my spine. I lay down so he’d

have to move it. But he took my shift as an invitation to lean over

me, to remove my glasses, to place hands alongside my shoulders

and start kissing.

I want this. I want this. I had to repeat this over and over in

my head whenever we fooled around in Frost House. For some

reason, at David’s dorm, I was completely relaxed. I loved every

moment of touching him, and being touched. And loved that we

were having fun without going further than I wanted, which, for

now, meant we hadn’t had sex. But here, in my own room, my

skin never felt quite right with someone else’s hands on them. My

heart would pound, but not in a good way. My mind

wandered . . . began to picture things like Celeste’s cockroaches

lying right where we were. And, I hated to think it, because it

made me feel like Celeste, but I had a bit of a sensation that

someone was watching us. Probably because I knew she could be

right outside the door at any time.

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I rolled out from under David and reached for my glasses.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m just too paranoid. It’s not worth getting

kicked out.”

He sat up, his face flushed, readjusted his pants. “So you

want me to leave?”

“I don’t want you to.” I leaned over and nuzzled his cheek,

rubbed my nose in the warm crook of his neck. Did I want him to

leave? He smelled so good. And when he left, it would just be me.

“I don’t know,” I said. “I’m just freaked about the probation

thing.”

“That’s all it is?” he said.

“Yeah.”

I gave him what I meant to be a quick kiss but it turned into a

long, hard one. For a moment, my body hummed and squirmed

and wanted to be against his. This time, he pulled away.

“If I’m leaving, it has to be now.” His lips glistened, deep

pinkish red.

I considered changing my mind. It had felt so good, for a

moment there. But then, behind him, I caught a glimpse of

something. The closet door was open just enough so you could

see my mattress. Usually I was so careful. I couldn’t believe I’d left

it open like that.

“Yeah,” I said. “You’d better go.”

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Chapter 31

THE FOLLOWING FRIDAY was the start of Barcroft-Edgerton

weekend, our weekend of sports events with our rival school. Old

bedsheets, spray painted with war cries and crudely drawn

pictures, hung between windows on the big, brick dorms along

the center quad. What Do We Eat? RED MEAT!!!! Red = DEAD . Go BIG BLUE!!

At the beginning of the semester I’d imagined Frost House

working together on a banner. Ha. I readjusted the strap of my

book bag and kicked at a lacrosse ball hiding under a cover of

sunset-colored leaves. I leaned over to pick up a quarter, and