Eoin Colfer - Artemis Fowl. The Lost Colony

Mulch was unperturbed. 'Hey, easy, little guy. I could get offended.'

Doodah waved the hammer. 'You see anyone in here caring how you feel? Offended or otherwise.'

Mulch took a deep breath. This was going to be a hard sell.

'Yeah, OK, Doodah. Point made. You're a real wise guy. A ticked-off wise guy. But I got an offer for you.'

Doodah laughed. 'You got an offer for me? I got an offer 138 for you. Why don't you get your dwarf stink outta here before I crack your teeth with this hammer?'

'I get it,' said Mulch testily. 'You're a tough little guy, and mean too.

And a dwarf would have to be crazy to mess with you. Generally I would sit here for a couple of hours, trading insults. But today I'm busy.

A friend of mine is in trouble.'

Doodah smiled broadly, raising a glass of wine in a mock toast. 'Well, dwarf, here's hoping it's that slippery elf Holly Short. 'Cause there's nobody I would rather see up to her pointy ears in something dangerous.'

Mulch showed his teeth, but he wasn't smiling.

'Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You attacked my friend with a multimixer. Nearly killed her.'

'Nearly,' said Doodah, raising a finger. 'Just scared her is all. She shouldn't have been chasing me. I just smuggle a few crates of shrimp.

I don't kill anyone.'

'Just drive.'

'That's right. Just drive.'

Mulch relaxed. 'Well, Doodah, lucky for you, your driving skill is the very thing stopping me unhingeing my jaw and chewing on you like one of those shrimp balls you got there. And this time who knows which end you'd come out.'

The bravado instantly drained from Doodah's face.

'I'm listening,' he said.

Mulch reined in his teeth.

'OK. So, you can drive anything, right?'

'Absolutely anything. I don't care if Martians built it, Doodah Day can drive it.'

'Good, because I got an offer for you. I'm not particularly happy about it, but I have to run it past you anyway.'

'Go for it, Stinky.'

Mulch groaned internally. Their little band of adventurers needed another smart-ass like they needed ten years of bad luck.

'I need you for one day, to drive one vehicle, for one trip. You do that and you have amnesty.'

Doodah was impressed. It was an impressive deal.

'So all I gotta do is drive and you wipe the slate?'

'Apparently.'

Doodah tapped his forehead with a lobster claw. 'This is too easy, there's gotta be a catch.'

Mulch shrugged. 'Well, it's going to be above ground and there'll be a lot of armed Mud Men chasing after you.'

'Yeah?' grinned Doodah through a mouthful of lobster juice. 'But what's the catch?'

THE PARCHATEAU, SOUTHERN FRANCE

By the time Mulch and Doodah landed outside Tourrettes sur Loup, the dwarf was a nervous wreck.

'He's crazy,' he gibbered, tumbling from the hatch of a tiny titanium pod, which had been landed expertly on a flat patch not much bigger than a postage stamp. 'The pixie is crazy! Give me your gun, Holly. I'm going to shoot him.'

Doodah Day appeared in the hatch, hopping nimbly to the ground. 'That ship is fantastic,' he said in Gnommish. 'Where can I get one?'

His grin withered and died when he noticed that the thing he had previously believed to be a tree moved and spoke in one of the primitive Mud Man tongues.

'This would be Doodah Day, I presume. He makes a lot of noise, doesn't he?'

'Arkkkk,' said Doodah. 'Big Mud Man.'

'Yes, he is,' said another Mud Man, or maybe a Mud Boy. This one was smaller, but somehow seemed even more dangerous.

'You speak Gnommish?' asked the terrified pixie, in case the big one would eat him for not being polite.

'Yes,' said Artemis. 'I do, but Butler is not so fluent. So English, if you wouldn't mind.'

'Sure thing. Not a problem,' said Doodah, grateful that he still had the tiny spark of magic left in his brain necessary to fuel his gift of tongues.

Doodah and Mulch had flown across the lower peaks of the Alpes

Maritimes in a pod built for riding the magma flares from the Earth's core. These chutes had rudimentary shields, but they were not intended for above-ground travel. Doodah's instructions had been to ride the hotshots to a small port near Berne, Switzerland, then strap on a pair of wings and low-fly the rest of the way. But once Doodah "got behind the pod's wheel, he decided that it would be much faster if they did the second leg on board the tiny ship.

Holly was impressed. 'You fly pretty well for a smuggler. Those pods handle like a three-legged pig.'

Doodah slapped a titanium fin fondly. 'She's a good girl. You just need to treat her right.'

Mulch was still shaking. 'We came this close — this close to being incinerated! I lost count after the first dozen times.'

Doodah chortled. 'That's not all you lost, dwarf. Someone is going to have to swab the decks in there.'

Holly looked Doodah in the eyes. OK, they were making small talk, but there was a little history between them.

'You could have killed me, pixie,' said Holly evenly, giving the little smuggler a chance to explain himself.

'I know. I nearly did. That's why it's time for me to get out of the business. Review the situation. Take a long hard look at my priorities.'

'Horse manure,' tutted Holly. 'I don't believe a word.'

'Me neither,' said Doodah. 'That's my parole board spiel. With the big eyes and the wobbly lip, works every time. But seriously, I'm sorry about the multimixer thing, Officer. I was desperate. But you were never in danger. These hands are pure magic on a wheel,'

Holly decided to let it go. Nursing a grudge would only make a difficult mission next to impossible. And anyway, now Doodah would have a chance to make it up to her.

Butler lifted Mulch to his feet.

'How are you doing there, Mulch?'

Mulch glowered at Doodah. 'I will be doing fine once my head stops spinning. That ship is only built for one, you know. I've had that little monkey on my lap for the past few hours. Every time we went over a bump, he butted me under the chin.'

Butler winked at his dwarf friend. 'Well, look at it this way. You had to take a ride in his environment, but now he has to take a ride in yours.'

Doodah caught the end of that sentence. 'Ride? What ride? Who has to take a ride?'

Mulch rubbed his hairy palms together. 'I am going to enjoy this.'

They lay down in a row in a low ditch overlooking the chateau. The land sloped gently downwards and was dotted with the twisted forms of ancient olive trees. The surface soil was dry and loose, but reasonably tasty according to Mulch.

'The Alpine water is pretty good,' he explained, spitting out a mouthful of pebbles. 'And the olives give the clay a nice tang.'

'That's very nice,' said Artemis patiently. 'But all I really want to know is can you make it to the septic tank?'

'Septic tank?' said Doodah nervously. 'What are we talking about septic tanks for? I ain't going into no septic tank. Forget the deal.'

'Not into the tank,' corrected Artemis. 'Behind it. The tank is the only cover before the chateau itself.'

Holly was scanning the terrain with her visor. 'The tank is buried as close to the house as possible. After that it's just rock. But you have a nice thick vein of soil as far as that point. What you need to do is lure that boy in the Cowboy hat in behind the tank with a bar of chocolate, then Doodah takes his place.' 144

'Then what? That toy car isn't going anywhere fast.'

'It doesn't need to, Doodah. All you have to do is drive inside the house and wind this round any video cable you see.'

Holly handed Doodah a cable tie with tiny spikes along its length. 'This is loaded fibre optic. Once it's in place, we own their surveillance.'

'Can we rewind to the bar of chocolate?' said Mulch. 'Does anyone have one?'

'Here,' said Artemis, handing him a flat bar in a green wrapper. 'Butler bought this in the village. It's very low quality, not seventy per cent cocoa, or fair trade for that matter, but it will do.'

'So what about after the kid eats the chocolate?' asked Mulch. 'What do I do with a kid?'

'You are not to injure him,' said Holly. 'Just entertain him for a minute.'

'Entertain him? How am I supposed to do that?'

'Use your dwarf talents,' suggested Artemis. 'Young children are inquisitive. Eat some rocks. Pass wind. Little Beau will be fascinated.'

'Couldn't I just shoot him?'

'Mulch!' said Holly, horrified.

'I don't mean kill him. Just knock him out for a few minutes. Kids like naps. I'd be doing him a favour really.'

'Knocking him out would be ideal,' admitted Holly. 'But I don't have anything safe, so you'll have to keep him busy for five minutes tops.'

'I am a charmer, I suppose,' said Mulch. 'And if worst comes to worst, I can always eat him.' He grinned widely at Holly's horrified expression.

'I'm kidding. Honest. I'd never eat a Mud Kid, they're too bony.'

Holly elbowed Artemis, who was beside her on the bank. 'Are you sure about this?'

'It was your basic idea,' replied Artemis. 'But, yes, I am sure. There are other options, but we don't have the time. Mulch has always displayed initiative. I feel certain he won't let us down. As for Mister Day, his freedom is on the line. A strong incentive to perform.'

'Enough of the chatter,' said Mulch. 'I'm starting to burn here. You know how sensitive dwarf skin is.' He stood, unbuttoning a bum-flap on the seat of his pants. Where else would a bum-flap be? 'OK, pixie. Hop on.'

Doodah Day seemed genuinely frightened. 'Are you sure?'

Mulch sighed. 'Sure I'm sure. What are you afraid of? It's just a rear end.'

'Yeah, maybe. But it's smiling at me.' 'Perhaps it's happy to see you. You don't want to be there if it gets angry.'

Holly punched Mulch on the shoulder. 'That is a really bad habit,' complained Mulch, rubbing his upper arm. 'You should see someone about your anger issues.'

'Could you please quit the bum talk? We're on a tight schedule here!'

'OK. Get on, pixie. I promise it won't bite.' Butler lifted the tiny pixie on to Mulch's back. 'Just don't look down,' advised the bodyguard. 'You'll be OK.'

'Easy for you to say,' grumbled Doodah. 'You're not the one riding the whirlwind. You never mentioned this in the restaurant, Diggums.'

Artemis pointed at the pixie's backpack. 'Do you really need that, Mister Day? It's not very streamlined.'

Doodah held on to the strap. 'Tools of the trade, Mud Boy. They go where I go.'

'Very well,' said Artemis. 'A word of advice. Get in and out as fast as you can.'

Doodah rolled his eyes. 'Wow, that's great advice. You should write a book.'

Mulch chortled. 'Good one.'

'And avoid his family,' continued Artemis. 'Especially the girl Minerva.'

'Family. Minerva. Got it. Now, let's go if we're going, before I lose my nerve.'

The dwarf unhinged his jaw with wince-worthy cracks, and dived head first into the mound of earth. It was something to see, scythe-like jaws chomping through the dirt, excavating a tunnel for the dwarf and his passenger.

Doodah's eyes were tightly shut, and his expression was one of absolute shock.

'Oh, gods,' he said. 'Let me off. Let me —'

Then they were gone, lost under a blanket of vibrating earth. Holly elbowed her way atop the mound, following their progress through her visor.

'Diggums is fast,' she proclaimed. 'I'm surprised we ever caught him.'

Artemis lay beside her. 'I hope he's fast enough. The last thing we need is for Minerva Paradizo to add a dwarf and a pixie to her fairy collection.'

Mulch felt good underground. This was a dwarf's natural habitat. His fingers absorbed the rhythms of the earth, and they calmed him. His coarse beard hairs, which were actually a series of sensors, dug into the clay, worming into cracks, sending out pings and reporting back to