Nikita Kapernaumov - 2019: The most obsessive diary of a rejected Martin Eden in agony

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08 01 19 вечер – фрики корреспонденты, ничего не могу делать

Снова

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Poroshok 1:18 pm

Никитушка, а тебе нравятся мои картины?

Nikita 8:43 pm

нет. я копрафил. копрофилия это сыксуальная практека, мне нравятся срущие девушке. а то что у вас я не знаю что это, это наверное чтото в духе говнилеума. стёбный мазохизм, выставленее себя паехавшым. я из такога вырос давно

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diman of course didn’t understand what i wrote and meant. Poroshok too won’t understand. Fowles only maybe would have understood me. I, by the way, decided to relisten to the magus instead of fight club and even trainspotting. that’s all crap. I need to listen to really good things.

Fuck how i want to sleep. Fucking pills, i’ll stop taking them. They don’t guarantee that i will sleep fully, and when i haven slept fully i feel like a wreck. One should take either the prescribed dose or not take them at all. but with the prescribed dose i sleep the better half of day. That won’t do. the pills are for schizofrenia, which i have not. I’m stopping taking them ( – звучит так какбудт оя их регулярно пил. нет, я их пил только для того чтоб уснуть иногда, а теперь имел ввиду прекратить даже это – ). They are not for sleep.

I can hardly type. And i need to read shakespeare.

All my life I’ve done exactly what circumstances afforded and my inclinations prompted me to do. no more no less. Nor do i count that my staying at home from when i was 13 to 20. What, i should have gone out and roam the town like an imbecile?

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09 01 19 evening – приятное чувство обиды

(i m still up since yesterday’s evening)

Damn how i love this feeling of taking offence, of this feeling my eyes swelling with tears at the thought that i refuse making acquaintances with strange people. it stems to have been since childhood, it’s then i would feel this feeling, say, during the day at kindergarten and then there came the evening and my suffering was recompenced with parents coming and taking me home. Eventually i took to love this feeling just like this, with no parents coming being nessessary. Because parent’s comning and recompence for day’s suffering had been imressed in my memory and it was not needed anymore. Just the feeling of offence would do. i mean i still went on getting recompensed, but that day’s feeling had got its own value. Habitually attributed recompense to the feeling made the feeling be precious just on itself.

I’ve been crying just now. I fucking want dasha to have been my girlfriend from childhood, at least from teen years.

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09 01 19 evening – нашёл дашу на интерпалз, новые фотки, окр истерика, убий

Having cried i set out on a dinner. In the kitchen i remembred this new buckwheat’s disgusting smell and optioned to boil potatoes for the first time. My thoughts were on making a decesion whether to wait till i’ve read the 7 plays or send this now – the two audiobooks – louis ferdinand’s one which i now listen to, and bovary. For they are on her wish-to-read list, and they are hard to find, only today i’ve found louis, and she hasnt read them yet, according to livelib. And i even thought of another idea, to check for the avaliability on rutracker and vk of other books in her wish-to-read list. Perhaps she doesn’t use soulseek, let alone found this user whom i found today with rare books. I so much want to be useful to her.

As I was washing potatoes an idea came into my head i would look for «lckbstrd» in google, for it seemed like i hadn’t done that. My god, i’ve found her pen-pal profile. Fuck, man, she is just a simple girl who too has conversations with various people, too logs in on all these sites. Fuck, her profile was created in 2014 and was updated 2 years ago last time, but a photo i havent seen before, a fucking awesome one in her room with her metallic grey eyes, was added in november 2017 and there is also status «single». I understand that is for finding more people was by her set thus in 2014 when she needed practice before exams. And yet she doesn’t correct it. Fuck, might her relationship with him be strange? Something not usual. suppose he takes his buisiness trips for too long times. And she needs fucking. Suppose they agreed on her being permitted to have small affairs with other men. Perhaps it is permmited to her not because he uses to be away for too long, but because they just want it this way. He has other girls, she has other men. Half the world lives this way, as i see in movies and in films and on the internet, only they partners do not tell each other. Fuck how i want to make up with her and be just acqauintances. God help me do that. Do something with her so she will take me back. and i won’t kill her. fuck, the photo is 14 months old. She is older now, and she wont be the same as in the photo again. Please god help me make up with her faster, i loose time I’m getting more and more desperate.

The dust from the potatoes hadn’t landed on my socks at all but I’ve in the last 30 minutes given that so much thought that my socks fucking did get dusty ( – я окр-ски решил что всётаки пыль попала на носки – ). And i have to wash them now, at least with wet hands. Ho i am fucking sick of it. She is so lovely, so fucking lovely. Her feet, her metallic eyes, her fucking face, gorgeous, god how i want to be with her. i even don’t use to watch on the photo too much. Firstly of course because of the sadness and desperation over the loss of the past. But secondly becayuse it’s enough that THIS SHE IS. Or, well, rather, was.

Fuck, one won’t beleive, but i’ve found three new photos more via yandex. The phots from ideal sessions two-three years ago. God damn me.

God fucking damn me!!! Whats this??? A postponed new year surptise? On the next photo by the photographer is simona shmerkevich. Not so bad too, incidentaly. But the surprise of course has a strong, if not over-poewering, touch of sadness. Everything stays on fucking lost. Everething’s lost. There are no this dasha in the photo. She’s grown old, got new interests, changed. It’s all fucking bad.

So my socks «got» dusty and infectious. Also during hunting dasha, as it is always with me when i am a spy or on some hunt (like in childhood at three years i used to get that wanting to shit). Then, now, i shitted, thinking all over, upside down when washed up the ass saw one of this nasty woodlouse under the bath. It ran away under the pistol with the old hermetics instead of which i bought the day before yesteday another one, which the manager recommendated in that too rude for my touchy perception manner. I’d carried up to him two tubes of different hermetics and asked which i needed, he said «neither» only he said it in such a manner as if he wasn’t going to help on. He indeed for a few seconds made show as if he wasn’t going to, he turned to his monitor, but then immediately corrected the situation and said what hermetic i needed. But he fucker must needs to have done that in such a nasty manner.

God is she beatiful.. my god

These are her best photos ever, i’d say.

Devil why the fuck she is not my girlfriend!!!! Dammit!!! I was fucking born for her.

This fucking moron from the floor above is signing all the evening in his wailing off-key manner. Hang him

I will fucking kill her. i’ll show that this ignoring method just doesn’t work. Nor any restricting orders. I’ll fucking show them order.

And fuck again!!!!!!! I’ve found a photo on the instagram of this girl photographer it is on november 19 2017 but the girl lives and has her studio, as i understsand, in spb!!! Did dasha then go here to take a few photographs?

So many discoveries and it’s only through eight letters «lckbstrd». It whistles in my ears, when i have not enough sleep. It’s just now whistled.

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10 01 10 day. My morning – враги/не враги, экзамены

My mum would and will never like me less if i did or do nasty things. And with fucking alien people it’s ever otherwise. Either i do all good and they will love me or i do wrong and there begins to be a gap between me and people. i fuckign hate the whole idea of it.

Even when we were fallen out completely with mum, like that day when she played a heart attack on the stairway at zeleny pereulok, and she sat on the floor on the first floor for everyone to see her and pity her, and i stood by, mum had taken a very great offence and situation was very bad, she played as if she even couldn’t speak and would now die, and then this old woman came into the stairway and into the escalator and as she passed by she reproached me and here mum found a voice and said to her «shut up». I always am sure that mum is on my side in every situation. And fowles’ nicholas at the hotel in athens, he couldn’t have been shure with alison. They were really enemies. At least Alison, judging by how she behaved and fought him off. Like a real enemy. That won’t do. Whatever Nicholas had done, that sort of behaviour won’t do. i won’t make friends with people who may become such alianated enemies. Never.

фу блин, пронесло. думал, после лисенинг-задания которое я вобще психанул не ответил там ничё, приподнять по окончанию теста столешницу да кидануть об стенку изза результата в духе 40—50, но всётаки пронесло, тоже 75 взял efset. орг/cert/sdZNfh

всмысле вот это, самое первое в лисенинге. вобще пиздец какойта, как можно весь такой текст в памяти держать да ещё и выбирать какието ответы. я вон там пару тыкнул, но без уверености

больше всего ненавижу экзамены. вот к примеру взять мой же пример. раз получил 75 по их шкале значит на 75 же натягиваю? аднака вот то первое задание из лисенинга я сдал вобще на 0 потому что я ничё там не ответил. о чём это говорит? о том что хреново экзамены показывают знания.

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11 01 19 night – психологи болтологи бесполезны

Going to a psychologist is fucking idiocy. No talking can affect ever affect my behaviour. Only real circumstances could.

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12 01 19 – 8интернет снова рассылаю, рискованый способ найти девку

( – на какойто свой профиль в вк – )

Вы конечно можете уйти с этой страницы, но в определённый неприятный список вы всё равно будете добавлены, так что лучше прочитайте хотябы вот этот первый пост-обращение.