Nikita Kapernaumov - 2019: The most obsessive diary of a rejected Martin Eden in agony

That’s finally happened, i’ve shat the bed over, playing with the damned anal plug. I’d had much ado with the enema, i did it dozen times and there was no end to the shit. Then i kind of felt i’m clear and so went to play, on the bed covered with the plastic bag. Something felt wrong anyway. Then i pulled out the plug once again and the shit burst out. I was saying «that’s finally happened» as i watched on the puddle on the bag and hurriedly took it up by the four edges, and got me off the bed, the shit tickling down my thighs. I hoped it was only the puddle on the bag, Then i fucking saw the shit had splashed also on the bed where my feet are. So i’ve been having much ado all in all, two hours of life are wasted on that.

I would like to mark how i bought the toilet pot. I didn’t see whether it was all right, i mean creavices. It was like with jugra. I just cannot care about anything anymore.

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14 01 19 – так было в мечте

Goddamit. I want my girlfriend to see a young man with her. dammit.

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15 01 19 night – жизнь любителем, зачем читаю книжки

Fuck i have an amatereush life. Take my drawing. In childhood i was praised, now remember what said dahsa when saw my picture of her. (i just now saw a post on drawing faces) i fucking have no prfessionalism in anything. Absolutely. A fucking amateur.

The almost only thing why i read shakespeare and all these books is that i feel myself more cool when i have read another of them. And if i haven’t write somebook or havent got one ( – непонятно – ), i mean the meaning of it, i become upset and feel very bad. It’s not right at all. the whole way i do all of this is not right. And what can i do about it? Leave off reading? What, live as a gopnik?

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15 01 19 evening – ходил в налоговую на допрос, александра вест

Today went to the tax department. Another mail was from Б. bank, a notification about our depisits ending. So i’ve gone to this tax department and now am more less at ease as nobody, i beleive, is going to search my flat and arrest all the hdds. Unless katerina bazay’s complains have worked and i am about to be arrested for extremism. So i went there and back slowly through the park, this was my third walk this winter so far.

I was checking as usual govnilium and also checked the freak-lovers community for any posts about me. In any community on vk there are shown the 6 people, who the most often visit this community or are just popular on vk. There is that girl ( – id62102 александра вест – ) whom i «ve been often noticing, she has pretty eyes and shape too, she works on an ambulance, wears pretty dresses, has a lovely photo at a dacha, and photos of her with books. Shows off as a bookworm or something. She also made reveiws on them on youtube, at one of which i ended up now, for it was on ulysses, after seeing her on the photo with which i was feeling quite bad in the last spring (even a girl with pretty eues reads ulysses, and i am a degenerate). But having watched her review i reconsidered my envy of her eruditeness. She is not any erudite at all. the next book she read was some «the diary of a vampire’ or something. She doesn’t praise ulysses at all, in fact grumbles abundantly over the book. for what would she praise it? She has just read the text. If that is how people read books, i am not a degenerate at all. but this particular girl seems to have some sort of lack of attention or sometyhing, perhaps she is a bit simple, so i do not blame her, would caress and gently fuck her all the same. But imagine dasha is the same? What if dasha would have made the same sort of reviews, showing the same level of understanding boks? No she cannot. I saw she reposted on her wall some sophisticated article on dostoevsky’s demons a year ago, so no, she cannot. And she doesn’t work on an ambulance. She’s really intelligent and erudite i do beleive it. I have no proofs against it. Only for it.

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18 01 19 – сломался монитор, начал авито, сон с дашей, фрик ли я

The day before yesterday my computer broke down.

After that the first night I waited hoping it was going to work again as when the same thing happened last September just on the day when I learned the dasha was in st. Petersburg. But now I was mistaken, this time it was serious. Yesterday I spend 8 hours choosing a new monitor using my slow netbook. I’d woken up at 6 p.m. So when I had chosen some options it was already night. Accordingly, in the morning when I began to call the sellers I will f****** sleepy ( – зацензурено, т.к. видимо наполовину писал для показа своего знания на англоизучающем форуме – ). The f****** stupid guy who was selling the best monitor who didn’t answer my call buy a message same Feud call me back when he was not busy ( – непонятно короче ничё – ). I decided to go to sleep with my telephone turned on. No it’s the 18th as I said and he never called back.

Yesterday it was hell. I can see that I am not going to have read those Shakespearean 7 plays by the end of this month, I am at the middle of Othello. And there are macbeth, hamlet and King Lear. Also I wanted to finish louis fersinands’s journey to the end of the night, of which I am at the middle of it too.

At the dream myself tonight, or rather today. meseemed dasha wrote to me. And not just a one line message but a whole wall of text she delivered. In these texts my endless complaining. ( – непонятно ничё – ) Just like then when she wrote that she too would like to do things that she couldn’t, namely travel and all. It also resembled that text which she delivered where she was telling me just think about African children. In the text from the dream she went as far as to mention Nizhnie Chelny and other things more connected with Russia and television than with what i mostly associate with dasha. It was quite a big text. Actually the biggest of all I received from her.

On the waking I began to think and compose in my thoughts lines for the next message to her. The best idea of what I had come up with is that people, while I myself know the truth about me, call me a freak a sick person and schizophrenic, nothing of which I am. And as they call me those names, link me with things I have nothing to do with, it gives me liberty to do things pertaining to all that.

I am no schizophrenic, I have nothing [psychotic. Forget about this. ask any real shizoprebic in madhouses to explain why they do their freakish things and they will have nothing to say to you about that, unless it be ’the voices from the sky tell me so’ or some other uncomprehendable explanations, delusional theories. I have nothing delusional, everything I do I can give a psychological explanation to. I have conscious motives. i am conscious. i am, if anything, a criminal as I say. I can stop doing whatever i do if there is a danger for me in proceeding. Madmen do not stop here.

Yet all of this of course doest explain why i do my freakish acts in the first place. Why, that’s the old story – i am gettin attention. That’s my way of getting attention. This also asks explanation. Why i need it? Well, here i cannot give a precise explanation because the thing developed in babyhood, of which i remember too little. Let baby psychologists answer to that. Read bowlby. In short, it’s all about the child’s need of security, of his mother. somehow something went wrong, even not wrong but just the way apt to make grounds for these prospect behavioural peculiarities and that’s that. that happens and the person is behaviourally strange. that’s not illness at all.

i remember my mum saying with a wise look, on the question why i do it (whatever i do by this, in fact attract attention) in my freakish way, she said «it is because you are ill» she would also add that which, if she had understood why i did that in the first place – get attention, would have sounded ’only ill persons will get attention in such a way.» yes i agree, usually it’s the sick people who do similar things. Only look for their motives to do these things, and, if you are questioning real schizophrenics, you will find that nobody of them seeks attention by doing such things. they have no psychologically explainable motives. as i’vr already said.

but why i do it by doing freakish things anyway? arent there other ways? see for yourselves, i provide you my authobiographies. i’m not going to repeat it all here. read and judge what ways i have.

the next question is why and when my tendency to get attention in freakish way started? as with anything psychological, there may be many reasons, but in this case i can say that it was Guzshviev who mostly inspired me to act so. how and why is the subject for a whole new text, which i won’t write because i’d better tell it all in the biography.

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19 01 19 morning – ездил за монитором

As i wrote, on the 17th i slept all day waiting for a call from the guy who was selling 27 for 7000 and he was at chernaya rechka. There was few more options on avito but one of them was for 9000 and it was at pinoerskaya. But the first one was a curved monitor, more cool. The second was cool too but if i can for 7000 I’m not going to buy for 9000. He didn’t call and when i awoke yesteday at midnight i saw the moron had changed the description on avito, he had seemingly found out he was really selling 24 monitor that’s why he hadn’t called. I began to search for more options. By the morning i had a few, but mostly i aimed at that one at pionerskaya for 9000, since it seemed the average normal price. When it was 10am i called the guy he said he was already waiting for a buyer at 10. I said i’d call back to check. I began to be sick of it. Becuse the next options were really not cool modern models. The damned guy with the 24 monitor, if it hadn’t been for him i wouldve called pionerskaya the day before. Next I called one at begovaya, the new metro station, and he fucking too said he was wating for a buyer in the evening. His one was benq, a bit old model as i understood. Then there were left only really shitty options. One at veteranov. I called but nobody answered. I fucking decided to wait till 12 o clock when i would call and check pinoerskaya. As i was waiting and reading the rest of othello i saw an ad which hadn’t seen before, a cool up-to-day samsung, curved, for 9000. At kupchino. Called and it was still relevant. I said to the guy to consider it booked by me, and i would be at his as soon as he gets home at 5pm. He said ok, ok. I said i’d call at 3 to check and notify i was going to him. Ok, ok. I almost leapt for joy, my torments of choosing a new monitor were going to end at last. The guy himself by his voice and the photo of his in his profile reminded me of hryundel, and seryozha from my first grade. And he addressed me by fammiliar «thou». Only in the photo he was in a technical-job attire, at some plant. In the ad he told he was selling the monitor because he’d bought an ultra modern 144 hertz one. I imagined a typical worker of a plant, a fucking grey and dull life, only games in the evenings and on rare weekends. But he sounded plain, straightforward, with his thou’s and all, and that was all right with me. As I shat I thought how good a seller i’d come across, good monitor, good price (16000 for new such), close to the metro. What luck.