Nikita Kapernaumov - 2019: The most obsessive diary of a rejected Martin Eden in agony

Think about dasha all the time dammit. She was online 44 min ago. Now its 3,44 in spb. Doesn’t sleep so late. Dammit where does she work? What does she do? i should beg her to tell me it, in the next letter. Fucking macbeth 70 min left. 4 00 again online! My dasha my loved one

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21 01 19 evening. Still up – проблемы во всём

Sent a govnilium to stavropl today.

Problems with the AB have begun. Now it’s even not about in which language to write or something. It’s just i either write in the present tense and live over the stupidity, i mean avoiding explanations, or i write with explanations and it all begins to look artificial. It’s a bad sing. It’s like with lyrics. Like with everything. A small doubt, a small problem turns up at the very commencing of an activity of mine and then this problem grows and in the end it is the killer of the whlole hobby.

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22 01 19 morning – для форума когда разбанят

Для форума когда разбнят

Да ничё я ненамерено. Как праизнашу так и пешу. Иногда када печатаю то вобщес просто стучу по клавешам какие попадаются. сам итак всё пойму. а в инете я вон вам навстеручу всем иду.

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24 01 19 – записываю spfvsg, даша во сне

Yesterday recorded vocals for spfvsg. Was going to continue today but havent slept enough feel fucking awful.

Dreamed, i was in saratov there were some exams taking place and dasha and i both were going to take them and i was in zavodskoy and in engels at the same time and i somewhow knew dasha was preparing for the exams and didn’t slept for 35 hours whereas i prepared nothing and to boot couldn’t stay up for so long as she did. Got fucking envious for that. Then there was a celebration a typical parade in engels and it was very dusty and early morning and nobody was in the street, and i was on the opposite side of the street from the pioners’ house.

Waking i thought what to write to her in the next message. Привет журавушка. Не беременая? Не моуг тебя забыть. Ты самая красивая самая идеальная. Это потому что я всё детство мечтал о идеальной и самой красивой теперь я так тебя чувствую знакомой, потому что я какбудто тогда всегда о тебе и думал. I wont kill anybody if only you have a walk with me

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25 01 19 evening – ностальгия в страдании

I’d been improvising the solo for spfsvg. My head was aching and i lay in bed and damn how i burst into tears for the dream of dasha. How i want to have asked to meet with her then, almost exactky 7 years ago, when she replied and asked questions. Damn it was the best moment in my life, now that i’m looking back on all my past. The girl i’m so interested in was interested in me too and asked questions, was «Печатает…”. dad lay behind the monitor sleeping and she was in the monitor typing and i was on the armchair there so happy and so chained to the monitor. And i had to go to kaliningrad soon, damn. What i would really change, almost the single thing that i would change, even if it should cost me those 400k which i earned on reselling the flat in zelenogrdsk, if i returned to the past to those times, i would have fucking not gone to any fucking kaliningrad. I would have stayed in saratov.. although now i remember myself that i did return after only 4 months, but still… those four months.. i had only brought her to reply and then i fucking had to go a thousand kilometres away and emerge into all that money business and i even lessened my thinking about her, which i would have on the contrary increased if i had stayed and maybe i would have brought myself to asking to meet with her. when she was still young, when she might have agreed, when she didn’t have the relationship with sergey. Maybe she would have met with me, damn, maybe i would have become a sort of friend to her like that anton, a pal, i might have, although i didn’t like it all, asked her where she would go, to which parties and events, and i would have gone there too and we would have met many times, and there could have been situations where i would have been of use to her and she come to like me. Damn. What shit of a life i live instead.

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26 01 19 night – записываю sfpvsg, размышляю

I wanted to do exactly what i should have done. All my youth i looked at the pictures and google photos of these remote northern areas, i wanted to get away from society, because i was very envious in it. And the fucking system didn’t allow me to go anywhere till i was out of age. But the girls began when i turned 17. I should have been able to get away earlier. Am i not dependant on the system, didn’t it force me to be with people? yes, it did, and i had no chance to get what i want i was getting more and more envious. So now i’ll repay it.

When i relisten another time to sfpvsg i almost would embrace and kiss myself, so good a song i’ve composed. Love myself. Nearly a perfect man. If only the mouth didn’t stink. ( – позже я кстати понял почему и когда это происходит, по крайней мере у меня (слюни кисло пахнуть начинают). это не иза гастрита каковонибудь ин е тонзилита, а прост окогда долго не ешь и ничо не пьёш, от двух и более часов (а я ничо не кладу в рот между едой, тоесть по 6 часов). ничо в рот не кладёшь, то соотвествено там все пересыхает и ничего изо рта не сглатывается и вся эта засыхающая влажность заванивает от продукта жизнедеятельности бактерий. а вот когда я истекаю слюнями, напимер даже когда я дрочу с огурцом и я постояно сплёвываю, то вот эти новые слюни ничем не пахнут. это вот именно изза застоя во рту – )

Will go and eat an aple.

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26 01 19 день – 8интернет ищу девку

спб

пару месядцев не постел тут, не поевилось в этой памоеке какихнебудь новых девак кто бы мне дал ебли? или хатябы лежала бы са мной голой и дрочила пака я четаю шегспира и донкехота? ну иле хатябы каталась со мной с горок на азерках а патом показывала пезду в кустах? иле как какает.

все кроме малалетак, паехавших, орлиноносых и целюлитов.

англагаварящим и строгим сероглазым брюнеткам как всегда льготы (можно без дрочбы напремер, проста лежать обнематься, под гамлета).

сука блядь последнея зема молодости канчаедся. атветете же, выйду валить детей рана иле поздна, как обещал, можете быть уверены. есле не дадите мне то чё требую. суки блядь ёбаные.

дня три-четыре можете связывадься через емейл на картинке. патом снова заброшу почту. группу удалел. не магу выносить левую аудеторию которая ка мне липнет. на почде на автатведчек пака не абращайте внеманее. пешите «с двача».

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27 01 19 almost midnight 23 00 – запись sfpvsg, окр истерика, net worth, альбомы и в саратов

Watched avril lavinge’s 2018 vide. She looks like the young dasha and she is 34. What the fuck, i though the video was from before her punk rock career, but she’s 34. Even my mum didn’t look so young at her 34.

Then it was 23 00 and i had to record the last choirs for the acoustic outro for sfvpg, untill it was night completely and i wouldn be allowed to sing, so, only i had to brush my teeth before and so i went and did and then i felt i needed to poo and i did and then i washed my ass up and the shit came again and i shat in my hand a few time while i was washing the ass, and one of the pieces of shit made the water from the pot sprinkle back and onto my fucking leg almost where my pants were which i hadn’t take off as i though i’d all quickly. So i had to fucking boil my pants although i felt the water only on my thigh, and i had to boil the socks and also desinfect with boiling water my slipeers dammit. When i finaly had washed the ass and stood i though maybe i wont do it this time like they all say just don’t do it fight it off and then you get used to resisting the obsession. But i though fuck it, i want to feel well i do not want to resist and i do not completely suffer when doing the compulsion. When i indulge my obsessions i after all enjoy, fell pleasure. I want ot indulge it, as long as i have it. And i shall indulge. I also was thinking on another subject but prettely like to the one on obsession, namely i thought when i’d finish the album i will use it as a means to get my message anounced, fuck all the musician’s ambitions, the main thing to do in life for me is to complain, i am a whiner, complainer i’ve dedicated all my life to it and i thought i would unpload the album, state that i am going to kill, explain briefly why and anounce that i seek sex, provide me with sex and i won’t kill anybody. And ye’d better hurry for i am likely to stop wanting sex one day and then i will be very raging, what for the life lived without any gratification of my natural youth’s needs.

Ларс ульрих слава и другие. Нада в автобиографию

Then i asked myself am i really going to have a freakish life, now i ask have i really had this freakish life

I am under turbulent feelings these days, now that i am again doing metal music and all. it’s not louis ferdinand and kafka and all such. Here i discovered the term net worth. If only i had had the internet then in youth and learned that for instance tom araya has tens milions of dollars, i would have looked on all the that otherwise. I regarded those musicians something like me, of course they would have a car i thought and families and live in some big house, but dammit, they are real billioners, if count in rubles, which is something i can’t comprehend. When the jugra thing began i learned that tabakov had 600 milions rubles which was a wild crazy to learn. Recently i saw a news saying that mihalkov has a similar sum, and in that news he himself adds it’s time to get useful to the notion that one may not steal and yet be rich. It’s after him i began googling the metalists. And so i learned all this.

And i fucking won’t put up with all this. Not with those notions about all those net worths, but the fact that i, an invalid, lost fucking all, and that i won’t be a professional in anything ever and that dasha stopped messaging me and that i haven’t fucking fucked in my young years. I really am fucking frustrated about not having sex like i wanted, and i estimate this frustration as somebody’s life. I shall make the songs, the authobiography and i kill children, children or dasha. I promise myself. With the authobiography I shall analyze and understand why i need to do it and then i’ll do it. I even will do it if i don’t have time to write the book and analyze and consequently don’t undersand. I want to kill. There are psychlological reasons, very deep, very sophisiticated, i will dig into them if i have time. Dasha would i kill because it is romantic. Romantic and also shows the work of principles. Like she stopped repliyng out of her priciples so do i need to do accordingly to principles.