Nikita Kapernaumov - 2019: The most obsessive diary of a rejected Martin Eden in agony

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28 01 19 – рискованое шутовство на инглиш-study форуме

On the forum

О прошлом сообщении которое там удалиле и о том что собераюсь убивать детей

vocaroo. ком/i/s0onfxbErkR3

vocaroo. ком/delete/s0onfxbErkR3/eaea548a6af8b504

vocaroo. ком/i/s18IgO0D8mp9

vocaroo. ком/delete/s18IgO0D8mp9/dd7ba9fdc3edbf88

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28 01 19 обед моё утро – бытовые проблемы

Ну заебись в добавок ко всей ночной хери у меня не прозвонил будльник чтоб встать в 11 и пойти получить скидку в 120 р с тыщи двести ( – это наверно я ходил закупал еду с утра с пенсионерской скидкой – ). несмотря на то что я его заводил. Я не нажал на кнопку включить, я не первый раз проебался ( – мне последние годы казалось что я использовал этот глагол только пару раз в 2020ом году, но оказалось уже в начале 19го. говорит о том что я много хэд переседел в местах употребления молодёжного сленга – ) так, в этот раз это потому что я давно не ставил его и забыл как там нужно убеждать что он включён. Единственное что нужно чтобы не впасть в ярость это записать инто э рейдж по быстрому до завтрака даже щас вот включил. Но уже треснула губа когда чихнул.

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28 01 19 almost midnight – мысли по теме наказания

Забанили на форуме за тероризм.

Damn how much i d been thinking while the cooking this evening. For instance that everybody wants to take his revenge and all these capital punishments directed by the government is exactly the idulgence, the meeting of that people’s need to have their revenge on the perpetrator. The government doesn give a fuck about the perpetrator’s doings, he just provides people justice that’s all. and the people’s feeling of justice is closely to do with revenge. The government just prevents there being feudal confronts and that’s all. but everything, all the human nature is still the same and is not changed. They want to have their revenge whenever they feel wrong. When it is not personal but there is still a crack somewhere in the system and somebody’s suffring they all the same seek for the scapegoat who gets punished. People are feeling personal when they suffer because suffering is personal as it is. Then they need to have revenge and they personalize their problem, and a distinguished person is punished. I too need both revenge and a scapegoat. But in my situation there are too many people involved, the whole system. This whole idiotic savage system, the procedure of getting rid of difficult one by making him an official invalid, then closing they eys on his suffering and if he begins to attract to much attention getting rid of him altogether. The pills are just this same getting rid altogether.

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29 01 19 night – по теме гарантии наказания, поиск понимания

I switched off the pc and lay and tried to read hamlet but i just couldn’t.

They have me in a yoke. I cannot rape nor kill nor do anything of the like without being prosecuted by the law. I was born already involved in the system. I cannot get rid of it. Why the fuck don’t they then provide me with means to meet all my natural needs, so that i wouldn’t break the order, since they want to keep it. They give me pension all right, so i won’t die from hunger and don’t have to rob. Theroretically if i had no home they wouldn’t leave me in the streets either, i think there are dormitories and rehabilitation services for bums (it’s just that bums usually want to stay bums). So why don’t they give me a girl. It’s my natural demand, moreover a most crucial one. They are fucking cunning. They make me take pills so that i just wouldn’t want girls and sex. They made this solution for this problem and forgot about it. They would have made pills for homelessness if it were possible. They only solve problems the easiest way for them. They only solve their problems, not the sufferer’s. It’s exactly after i took the fucking pills again (after 12 years ago when i had last taken them) this summer to see how it works. And so i saw and it is only then that i began to think of killing. I’d never really thought about it before. Pills are the only option which they will provide me with in free state clinics. Perhaps there is somethink else like consultations, but wouldn’t get to it, because on hearing the words kill murder and all they will just prescribe a horse’s dose of pills in the better case, in the worst just put away in the clinic. The cannot risk, they are the state. Private doctors cost huge money. And I have been to a private doctor, i could see it clearly, he would have just stuffed me with pills, that’s all. my case is very difficult, nobody will delve into all my problems of being not educated, being into strange hobbies, let alone help me in anything. Mine are not mere problems, but a whole life gone abnormally. And all the while the option of just pomping me with pills lies on the surface. Of course every doctor will choose this. To resolve my dead-knotted difficulties by talking is impossible without emerging into my real life. It’s only to Nicholas from the magus happened the luck of being taken into the hands of an enthusiastic psychologist who dealt with him for fun. And even he, conchis, hadn’t cured him of anything. He made Nicholas’ summer of course, maybe gave food for the mind, but no substantial changes.

So what was I leading to, i forgot.

Well, when there are no means of solving problems, meeting the natural needs, a relapse into savageness, such as revenge, is only too natural.

3.53

I’ve been thinking hard the half of the night. I don’t know about others attention-seeking persons, but with me it is dictated by the ever-present need to be understood correctly, because it’s only me being understood correcty that the others will do what i want them to do. having no other means to get understood correctly i, as a child, relapse, turn to savage, rude means. Because i have no alternative. She doesn’t understand me at all. and as long as she doesn’t understand me she won’t talk to me. She doesn’t have to understand me, i admit that, she has no reasons to do it, even on the contrary, if she should understand me then she will talk to me, and that is what she doesn’t want in her present state. It’s just the same with me and the pills and doctors, i won’t take them becae if i do then i won’t desire girls and desiring girls is something i by no means want to lose. It’s onlyy too natural, every normal person will do as she does or i do. also one might compare her desiring to talk to me and me desiring no girls and so having no sex problems, and he will choose the last as the more adequate solution of a problem. Because it’s i who demand. The demander, moreover supposedly not deserving, always has the less favor.

But be it as it may I am damn dependent on certain people’s (those whose is important to me) correct understanding of me. So i will be lapsing into childishness as long as i am not understood correctly.

I think that all is exactly the same why the slaughterer vingradov slaughtered.

If she ever understands me, and she is still this important to me, i won’t kill anybody, i swear.

What i call «to pity’ is «to understand’

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29 01 19 evening – лишили возможности повзрослеть, пожизнено диагностировали детство

I can’t concentrate on the recording, i am continuing to evolve the thought.

First off, i have a predespondency for relapsing into hysterical childishness, that’s a fact. It stems form my genes and my particular development of psyche in babyhood. Attachment, lack of physical contact and all. Well, I was aware of that predepondency. And on appearing among strange people in the beginning i saw that this would prevent me from having what i desired – attention, especially girls’. Then through all my childhood i was desperately trying to seem to be grown-up, this was seen plainly. But i nevrtheless didn’t have any attention of the girles i liked. Then i was constantly shown by mum that i was a child and her slave, as i would mentally call it, for not knowing another aprropriate word. She is of course involved in the development of my low self-esteem as a grownup. Moreover I’ve failed in gymnastic, and i didn’t see by which means would i now be able to look grownup. I could see a way of seeming grownup to others only in becoming a professional in someting. But i was failing and failing and failing. In reptiles (all died in my keeping), in gymnastics, in 3dmax. Then there began this ocd, in which to indulge was also psychologically unconciously allowed by myself, because i saw that i was failing to be grown-up, so why should i keep within the boundaries? I washed my clothes and desinfected to bloody hands and hysterics. I saw no reason to try to keep looking grown up, because i had been failing in everything. Thern began the madhouse business. With this they did me tremendous irremediable harm. They thus put to a full-stop my hope to ever become grown up. A person who shall never be allowed to drive a car and all is not grownup. A man with this pink paper shall ever be supposed inadequate, even if by 0.0001%, which makes him unable to be grown up. Dasha herself said then «from you everything may be expected». That’s an end. So i completely fucking lost all hope and began to allow myself to behave childishly and capriciously, according to my capricious psychological predespondency. I stopped suppressing it altogether, because i’ve been since childhood fucking sick of behaving as grown-up-like and nevertheless being a child and taking by others as a child. That’s a damn unpleasant feeling. I then began to do just what was expected of such a person. One of the reasons, if not a crucial one, why i needed to meet with dasha is to feel being taken as a grown-up, safe individual.

I’ve failed to grown up. I shall never be grown up untill i have had all the experience of growingup in the proper time, which is possible no more.

I should have been put to the clinic ( – видимо должно было быть shouldNT, иначе смысла нет. и вот такоие ошибки с недописываниями двух ёбаных букв n’t у меня везде. поэтому дальеш по дненику щас перечитывая могу пропустить. а если брошу перечитку темболе там хер знает сколько останется ошибок – ). They all failed to see what is my problem. That the point of writing the authobiography. One must get the signs of psychological tendencies right. And here it’s not my parents that are at fault, they are just ordinary people, stupid and ignorant in the matter. It’s the fucking system, and the psychiatrist who claim to have knowledge and have control of one’s destiny.