Nikita Kapernaumov - 2019: The most obsessive diary of a rejected Martin Eden in agony

I was lost of any chance to get the main element of growin up – establishing intimacy with an alien human being. They would say to me now, but how could you do it when you behaved that childishly? Yes i admit that when i came to the age of between-sexes relationship i was behaving conciously childishly already. But this says that something went wrong earlier and that there were reasons for me to behave so. Or rather there was no reason to not behave so. If i hadn’t behaved so i wouldn’t have gotten what i wanted all the same. My childish behavious doesn’t have to do with the issue of being unable to find a girlfriend, i mean it doesn’t serve as the motive of this isshue. My childishness and this behabiour is a product of not getting a girlfriend. Not behaving childishly by no means means that one is grown up. I may see it in my parents.

In fact i began to behave myself childishly only recently, when i began to splash girls with piss. By childishness i mean real childishness, the elliot rodger sort of childishness, when all other means of getting grown up end. Even not «all other’ but just means. Because relapsing into childishness is no means for anything. It is just savageness, relapsing back into the initial state, turning to the reactions pertaining to babyhood. I behaved myself enough decently. And i still couldn’t get it. Yes, I whined when i wrote to girls, i typed too many of these “ (((» and all, but that’s not childishness, not savageness. It’s just a way to express my real human emotions. If i feel bad i will show it. I’m not going to lie and pretend, even if it should be considered a part of the grown-up behaviour. I’m not going to do it. It by the way is also to do with my hysterics. I mean my honesty, not being able to lie. The strategy which i had chosen, according to my genes, of being hysterical in babyhood is the root of my being honest. I could see that i expressed my emotions, my true emotions and demands and i got what i wanted. Now it’s the same. I at once tell one my situation. I cannot lie.

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30 01 19 night and morning – неполучается с текстами и английским, зачем убий, 8интернет

БЛЯТЬ Я НЕ МОГУ ЗАПИСАТЬ АЛЬБОМ ПОТОМУ ЧТО Я СУКА НЕ МОГУ СОЧИНИТЬ ТЕКСТЫ БЛЯДЬ ДЛЯ ЭТОГО ЁБАНОГО ВОАЛДИ НЕ МОГУ ЗАКОНЧИТЬ А ДЛЯ ОСТАЛЬНЫХ СОЧИНИТЬ ОДНИ ОШБИКИ БЛЯДЬ И ЕЩЁ ГАМЛЕТА И ЛИРА НУЖНО ЁБАНЫХ ЧЕТАДЬ СУКА БЛЯТЬ НЕ МОГУ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!\

СУКА БЛЯДЬ Я ХОЧУ ЕБЛИ ХОЧУ ЧТОБ ДАША СО МНОЙ ОБЩАЛАСЬ БЛЯДЬ НЕ МОГУ СУКА

I must react, i am a living thing, a reaction must occur. The problem in my case is that the reaction will mean i must go to proson or to heaven afterwards, so i cannot do it now. It will be a postponed reaction. I will react. They hurt me (it’s they who refuse, however and whatever i ask, moreover i don’t ask much), and i must react. Surely i shall not make them good if they harm. Let jesus do so. I will stay human. Morever, if they would have to turn the other cheek, let them make an example. They feel bad when i interviene into their lives, let them make it easier for me to interviene, so that they will suffer more. But nobody does this and all are right not to do so. I m just the same as they are. I shant react to bad with good. I must give the most painful blow. Because i estimate my condition as the most painful. They sometimes, like First Eye, offer me to feel a worse experince so that i will see that my present condition is not the worst. Well, let them. That will be the worst condition then. I will react to that. It’s all simple.

It’s they who are harming me because it’s they who refuse what i ask. It’s Dasha, she causes this. In fact i do not want to kill her, at least just now i do not want this. It’s like the same vinogradov who left his girlfriend alive.

Не вытерпел написал на двач

бля ну накедайте мне годных аргументов почему я не должен убевать людей в качестве реакции на страдание от отсутвея у меня ебли? дапустем на тюрягу потом я сагласен. делать дапустем мне уже больше тут нехуй. на радков, чё падумают и как будут жидь патом, похуй вобще. есесно нерелегеозен, никаких адов. вот чё ещё? ходь убей, не магу найти никаких протев уже каторый месядц. одни за. убить думаю стоет 1—2 ух чел, не более. жизнь за жизнь. несколько человек как роджер иле виноградный это уже логека хромает.

Впринципе первый реплай дастаточный (Да никаких ограничений нет, мир построен на том, боишься ли ты наказания или нет. Если нет – твори любую херню, пока не поймают.) и собсно и не надо больше. But it’s just that i didn’t really want opinions on what are my restrictions, but rather on why i psychologically do not require it. That there are no restrictions, only punishment i know myself.

>> 5197485

ну эта панята. я больше интересуюсь почему это будет счетаться вот этой самой «хернёй». херня это значет что чёто неправильно для когото и почемуто. типа нелогично. вот чё неправельного, где храмаед логека? жеву в соцеуме. ебля нада от девок, они часть соцеума. девке не дают. не идёт мне некто навстречу. соцеум мне атказывает. изза этага плоха. преченяют мне вред, даже пусть неумышлена. на вред какаята реагцея далжна быть. есле мне в автобусе встают на ногу я отталкеваю наступальщика, есле он неерагирует на атталкеване я его ударю

– here. I can see now that the hitting of the man who’s stepped on my foot is a means to solve a problem. I need to solve the problem of one’s standing on my foot. But what shall i be solving by killing a strange human being? See? Do i still want to kill? It’s seems i do yet. Maybe by killing a person i seek to solve another problem? First i must see for sure whether i still want to kill, being now aware of the huge difference between this and the problem of the stepper on my foot. I’ll lie on the bed and think.

Well the previous thought about the situation with the foot is just improper for a drawing a link to mine. But mine is still a reaction and a search for solution of something. I need to find out what this something is. What is the fucking problem i’m solving by a murder.

Well it; s just a simple seeking for justice, nothing more. I suffer permanently, so sumebody from the socieyt which won’t meet my natural needs must suffer permanently too. I don’t want dasha to suffer, as i said. That much i want her good.

The punishment of me is reasonable. Because in fact it is not a punishment even. It is a compulsory aknowledgement forced on me that my life is ended. I just must find means to end it myself, before i am caught. Caught and punished or end the life myself are the same. Although going to prison is unpleasant, it’s an additional suffering. It’s also must be answered in advance. I’d agree to be executed. But they don’t provide it and must make me suffer additionally, so this must be reacted to in advance or afterwards if i have the opportunity.

No it’s even not about justice, not in the regard of them refusing me to give anything. I would be going to kill even only because of my fail in english. Them refusing me to give sex is just a pretext, to give it all a more understandable logic. In fact i am just unhappy and my sense of justice is such that i cannot concieve the idea of them being happy while i here unhappy. Even though they weren’t be able to give me english, for i needs must come to it by my own efforts, i would all the sume want to kill. It wouldn’t be revenge, the same as now it’s not about revenge, it would be just seeking for justice in regard everybody’s share of happiness and opportunities.

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30 01 19 evening – зачем убий, всё поздно

Saw a dream, a doctor like Zira in childhood had come to cambridge-english-exam me at home. I did most badly, she commneted she was just wasting her and my time (although i would pay) since my knowledge is so low. I hadn’t got even the A-level grade. I remember the number 28. But there had been only speaking and reading, i say. I say, but writing reamains, maybe i will do better in it yet. Please do, says she.

Fuck shall i ever get to the root of my desire to have revenge, to do that thing.

That it is a reaction doesn’t explain the point, it just explains that i must do it, because as a human i react in every situation, especially painful one.

But why killing, and not for instance doing some good. Shall it attract attention? Yes definitely. Then i am after attention? Perhaps. But i might as well sell my flat and give the money to somebody and make a booming news out of it and be popular too. But this wouldn’t have to do with my problem. My problem is being unsatisfied in my natural needs which shall keep being so as long as the society doesn’t make a step towards me. They do no make a step and i suffer from it. I can see that there is no way of persuading them making a step, not even a radical one. They shall make a step in no circumstances, whatever i do. Seeing all the means of getting them to do what i want have vanished, i relapse into childishness, into the behaviour when thinking that there were no ways to get what i wanted i would become hysterical and then a miracle happened and i got what i wanted (the grown-ups saw that i really needed what i asked and they gave it to me). Only now i can clearly see that no mirracle will happen and they shan’t step towards me. Moreover after such a deed i wouldn’t be able to help myself to their condecension, as i will be in prison or in heavens. And also there is this fact: i would want now to kill even if my problem was my being unable to get english. At least i feel that i would be still wanting to kill and get attention (even if the problem about sex wasn’t there). So it must be just an illogical stupidity? But should i consider this last imagined situation where i had no problem about sex but only about english? No i should not ponder too much on imagined situations, i should think what i shall do about the real present one. And in my present one there is this logical component of them making no step towards me and me suffering from it, so in my present situation it can’t be stupidity altogether. It does, i admit, have in it some of childish stupidity, but there is a logical point. Or is there? As it is, in childhood i was even less stupid than now, because then, when doing hysterics, i would really expect the gratification of my needs. But stop now. Let’s remember. Did i really then hope and expect the gratification when i behaved so? As far as I can remeber, no, at least not consiously. I just did that without logical thinking, did just what had done preveiously, in the more earlier babyhood, got into and developped in my unconsious mind and was forever afterwards ruling me. When relapsing into childishness now i can of course understand what rules me and can see that this is illogical, that this doesnt, shan’t work anymore. To be fully grown-up one must be aware of childishness’ illogic, and he also must not do it. I mean he must not only be aware, this only makes him half-grown-up, but also not do it, not be childish. But seeing myself so debased, so made and considered invalid and childish (even before any madhouses, even when i was 9 and neither my mum took me for grown up, nor katya ( – ильина из гимназии – ), nor my peers) i just see no point in aspiring to be grown-up anymore. The life, especially a man’s one, is about becoming grown-up as much and as soon as possibe. Which is done for the sake of getting a woman. Everything was for women. There would be no point in aspiring to anything if there were no women, no this sweet gratification. I was taken as childish long before any madhouses and those somersaults on the floor in the polyclinic ( – в районе 11ти лет, унижался истероидил, падал выходя из кабинета чтобы обращали внимание – ). I had just got sick of it, i could clearly see that however i try to look grown up, some, and even quite many, my competitors would all the same be more grown-up. I saw that i had my fucking neurotic weakness, my family was weak, everything was weak and unstable about me. I lost hope to get a girl. It was fucking all about my seeing that i was not going to get a girlfriend, not the one i wanted. I didn’t want any lena zaharova’s. I’d got fucking sick of this contest. After the madhouse I tried to continue it through hobbies, but all was useless. I couldn’t get a girl desired. Every my hobby was for girls, if even unconsiously. Each hobby was a part of the main contest.