Илья Франк - Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения

The second (вторая) blonde replies ( отвечает) , "You are on the other side… (ты на другой стороне) "

A blonde was walking along a river when she noticed another blonde on the opposite bank.

She yells, "How do I get to the other side of the river?"

The second blonde replies, "You are on the other side…"

How do I get to the other side of the river?

Two women were in a hair salon (две женщины были в парикмахерской) talking about their home lives (разговаривая о своих домашних "жизнях") when the subject of flighty husbands came up (когда возникла тема ветреных мужей) .

"It's unbelievable (это невероятно) ," one woman said. "I can never figure out where he goes at night (я никогда не могу разгадать, куда он ходит ночью, вечером) ."

"I know exactly what you mean (я в точности знаю, что ты имеешь в виду) ," said the other woman. "One second he's in the house (в одно мгновенье он дома) , and the next he's gone without a trace (а в следующее он исчез без следа) ."

"Well," says a woman eavesdropping nearby (подслушивающая рядом) . "I always know where my husband is (я всегда знаю, где мой муж) ."

"How do you manage that? (как вам это удается) " the other two women ask (спрашивают) .

"Easy (легко) ," she replies (отвечает) . "I'm a widow (я вдова) ."

Two women were in a hair salon talking about their home lives when the subject of flighty husbands came up.

"It's unbelievable," one woman said. "I can never figure out where he goes at night."

"I know exactly what you mean," said the other woman. "One second he's in the house, and the next he's gone without a trace."

"Well," says a woman eavesdropping nearby. "I always know where my husband is."

"How do you manage that?" the other two women ask.

"Easy," she replies. "I'm a widow."

It's unbelievable!

I know exactly what you mean.

How do you manage that?

When I was a youngster (когда я был юнцом) ," complained the frustrated father (жаловался расстроенный отец) , "I was disciplined (я был наказываем; disciplin [ˈdɪsɪplɪn]) by being sent to my room without supper ("отсыланием", тем, что меня отсылали в мою комнату без ужина /to send-sent-sent/) . But my son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player (но у моего сына есть его собственный цветной телевизор, телефон, компьютер, и СD плеер) ."

"So what do you do? (и что же ты делаешь) " asked his friend (спросил его друг) .

"I send him to MY room! (я посылаю его в мою комнату) "

When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But my son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player."

"So what do you do?" asked his friend.

"I send him to MY room!"

So what do you do?

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant (посетитель надоедал официанту в ресторане) . First (во-первых) , he asked that the air conditioning be turned up (он попросил увеличить работу кондиционера; to turn — поворачивать) because he was too hot (потому что ему было слишком жарко) , then he asked it be turned down (уменьшить) ‘cause he was too cold (слишком холодно) , and so on for about half an hour (и так /продолжалось/ около получаса) .

Surprisingly (неожиданно; вопреки ожиданиям; to surprise — поражать, удивлять) , the waiter was very patient (официант был очень терпеливым; patient [ˈpeɪʃ(ǝ)nt]) , he walked back and forth (он ходил взад-вперед) and never once got angry (и ни разу не разозлился: "не стал сердитым") . So finally (в конце концов) , a second customer asked him (другой: "второй" посетитель спросил его) why he didn't throw out the pest (почему он не выгонит: «не выбросит» этого зануду; pest — мор, чума; бич, язва) .

"Oh, I really don't care or mind (о, я совершенно не беспокоюсь и не забочусь) ," said the waiter with a smile (с улыбкой) . "We don't even have an air conditioner (у нас вообще: "даже" нет кондиционера) ."

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down ‘cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

Oh, I really don't care or mind.

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home (человек навещает свою тетушку в доме для престарелых; to nurse - нянчить; ухаживать за больным) . It turns out that she is taking a nap (при этом оказывается, что она дремлет; nap — короткий сон, дремота) , so he just sits down in a chair in her room (так что он просто садится на стул в ее комнате) , flips through a few magazines (просматривает несколько журналов; to flip — щелкать, ударять слегка; смахнуть /пепел с сигареты/) , and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table (жует понемногу арахис, находящийся в вазочке на столе) .

Eventually ( наконец) , the aunt wakes up (тетушка просыпается) , and her nephew realizes (и ее племянник понимает) he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl (он по рассеянности прикончил целую вазочку; absent — отсутствующий; mind — ум) .

"I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts! (извините, тетушка, я съел весь ваш арахис) "

"That's okay, dearie (все нормально, дорогой) ," the aunt replied (ответила) . "After I've sucked the chocolate off (после того, как я обсосала шоколад) , I don't care for them anyway (меня они все равно не интересуют) ."

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl.

"I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

I’ll take a nap.

A man walks into a bar (человек входит в бар) and asks the bartender (и спрашивает бармена) , "If I show you a really good trick, (если я покажу тебе действительно классный фокус) , will you give me a free drink? (ты дашь мне бесплатную выпивку) "

The bartender considers it (обдумывает это) , then agrees (затем соглашается) . The man reaches into his pocket (лезет в свой карман) and pulls out a tiny rat (вытаскивает крошечную крысу) . He reaches into his other pocket (в другой карман) and pulls out a tiny piano (пианино) . The rat stretches (вытягивается) , cracks his knuckles (щелкает суставами пальцев) , and proceeds to play the blues (принимается играть блюз) .

After (после того, как) the man finished (закончил) his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better ("даже лучше") trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening? (весь оставшийся вечер) "

The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first (думая, что ни один фокус не может быть лучше первого) . The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small frog (лягушку) , who (кто; которая) begins (начинает) to sing along (подпевать) with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying (наслаждается) his beverages (напитки; beverage [ˈbevǝrɪdʒ]) , a stranger (незнакомец) confronts ("встает напротив") him and offers (предлагает) him $100,000.00 for the frog. "Sorry," the man replies (отвечает) , "he's not for sale (она не для продажи) ."

The stranger increases (увеличивает) the offer to $250,000.00 cash (наличными) . "No," he insists (настаивает) , "he's not for sale."

The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally (наконец) agrees, and turns the frog over (и передает лягушку) to the stranger in exchange for the money (в обмен на деньги) .

"Are you insane? (вы ненормальный) " the bartender demanded (спрашивает) . "That frog could have been worth millions to you (могла бы принести вам миллионы; worth - стоящий, имеющий ценность) , and you let him go for a mere (а вы отдали ее всего-то за) $500,000!"

"Don't worry about it (не волнуйтесь "об этом") ," the man answered (ответил) . "The frog was really nothing special (лягушка не была чем-то особенным) . You see (видите ли), the rat's a ventriloquist (чревовещательница) ."

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"