Илья Франк - Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения

"Okay," says the first, "I've never told anybody I'm a gay!"

The second confesses, "I'm having an affair with my boss's wife."

The third, Moishe, begins, "I don't know how to tell you…"

"Don't be shy," the two friends said.

"Well," says Moishe, "I can't keep secrets."

Don't be shy.

Mr. Shwartz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be (мистер Шварц приходит на встречу со своим будущим зятем) , Sol (Соломоном) .

He says to Sol, who is very religious (он говорит Солу, который очень религиозен) , "So now tell me, Sol, my boy, what do you do? (ну а теперь скажи мне, Сол, мой мальчик, чем ты занимаешься) "

"I study the Torah (я изучаю Тору) ," he replies.

"But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter (ты собираешься жениться на моей дочери) , how are you going to feed and house her? (как ты собираешься ее кормить и содержать) "

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide (я изучаю Тору, там сказано, что Бог обеспечит) ."

"But you will have children (но у тебя будут дети) , how will you educate them? (как ты дашь им образование) " asks Mr. Shwartz.

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."

Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like (беспокойно спросила, что из себя представляет Сол: «на что он похож») .

"Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy (он милый мальчик) , I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God (я только его встретил = познакомился с ним, а он уже думает, что я Бог /to meet-met-met/) ."

Mr. Shwartz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol.

He says to Sol (who is very religious), "So now, tell me, Sol, my boy, what do you do?"

"I study the Torah," he replies.

"But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are you going to feed and house her?"

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."

"But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Mr. Shwartz.

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."

Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like.

"Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy, I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God."

What do you do?

No problem.

— Hello, that's you (это ты) , Abe?

— Yes, dis (= this; здесь и дальше написание некоторых слов нарушено, чтобы передать сильный акцент) is Abe…

— It doesn't sount (=sound) like (не похоже на: «не звучит как») Abe.

— Vell (=well) , dis is Abe all right (здесь в самом деле: «в порядке») .

— You're positive (вы уверены) it's Abe?

— Absolutely (абсолютно) .

— Vell, listen Abie, dis is Moe. Can you lend me feefty punds? (= fifty pounds — можешь одолжить мне 50 фунтов)

— Ven (=when) Abe comes in (придет) , I'll tell him you called… (я скажу ему, что вы звонили) .

— Hello, that's you, Abe?

— Yes, dis is Abe…

— It doesn't sount like Abe.

— Vell, dis is Abe all right.

— You're positive it's Abe?

— Absolutely.

— Vell, listen Abie, dis is Moe. Can you lend me feefty punds?

— Ven Abe comes in, I'll tell him you called…

Are you positive?

Abe goes to see his rabbi (идет навестить: «повидать» своего рабби) .

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening (что-то ужасное происходит) and I have to talk to you about it (и мне нужно поговорить с вами об этом) ."

The rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe? (что случилось: «что неправильно») "

Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me (отравляет меня; poison — яд) ."

The rabbi was very surprised (удивлен) by this and asks, "How can that be? (как это возможно: «может быть») "

Abe then pleads (уверяет; to pead — защищать /в суде/; обращаться с просьбой; просить, умолять) , "I'm telling you (я вам говорю) , I'm certain (я уверен) she's poisoning me, what should I do? (что я должен делать = что мне делать) "

The rabbi then offers (тогда предлагает) , "Tell you what (вот что я тебе скажу) . Let me talk to her (позволь мне поговорить с ней) , I'll see what I can find out (я погляжу, что я смогу выяснить; to find — находить) and I'll let you know (и я дам тебе знать) ."

A week later the rabbi calls (зовет; звонит) Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife (я говорил с твоей женой /to speak-spoke-spoken/) . I spoke to her on the phone (по телефону) for three hours (в течение трех часов) . You want my advice? (хочешь мой совет) "

Abe anxiously says (тревожно) , "Yes."

"Take the poison (прими яд) ," says the rabbi.

Abe goes to see his rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe?"

Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The rabbi was very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"

Abe then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

Abe anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the rabbi.

What's wrong?

What should I do?

Let me talk to her.

I'll see what I can find out.

I'll let you know.

You want my advice?

91-year-old Goldstein and his 89-year-old wife of 66 years (после 66 лет брака) go to their lawyer (идут к их адвокату) to get a divorce (получить развод) .

Puzzled (озадаченный) , the lawyer asks (спрашивает) , "Why did you wait all this time (зачем вы ждали все это время) if you were both so miserable for so long? (если вы оба были такими несчастными так долго) "

The answer (ответ) : "We were just waiting for the kids to die (мы просто ждали, пока умрут дети) ."

91-year-old Goldstein and his 89-year-old wife of 66 years go to their lawyer to get a divorce.

Puzzled, the lawyer asks, "Why did you wait all this time if you were both so miserable for so long?"

The answer: "We were just waiting for the kids to die."

Why did you wait all this time?

Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking (обсуждают свой секс прошлой ночью; to make love — заниматься любовью) .

Alberto the Italian (итальянец Альберто) says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over (натер ее всю) with fine olive oil (чудным оливковым маслом; fine — тонкий, утонченный; превосходный) , then we make wonderful love (затем мы чудесно занимались любовью) . She screamed for five minutes (она кричала /целых/ пять минут) ."

Marcel the Frenchman (француз Марсель) says, "I smoothed (намазал; smooth — гладкий, ровный; to smooth — приглаживать, сглаживать; смягчать, смазывать [smu:ð]) sweet butter (сладкое масло) on my wife's body (тело) , then we made passionate (страстная) love. She screamed for half an hour (она кричала полчаса) ."

Maurice Cohen (Морис Коган) says, "I covered my wife's body with schmaltz (я покрыл тело жены салом) . We made love and she screamed for six hours (шесть часов) ."

The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her (как ты заставил ее = сделал так, чтобы она) scream for six hours?"

Maurice shrugs (пожимает плечами) . "I wiped my hands on the drapes (я вытер руки о портьеры, драпировку) ."

Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking.

Alberto the Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."

Marcel the Frenchman says, "I smoothed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."

Maurice Cohen says, "I covered my wife's body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours."

The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?"

Maurice shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

We made love.

A businessman boarded a plane (взошел на борт самолета) to find, sitting next to him (и обнаружил: «чтобы обнаружить» сидящую рядом с ним) , an elegant Jewish woman (элегантную еврейку) wearing (на которой было; to wear - носить /об одежде, украшениях/) the largest and most stunning (самое крупное и самое потрясающее) diamond ring (кольцо с бриллиантом) he had ever seen (которое он когда-либо видел) . He asked her about it (он спросил ее об этом) .

"This is the Klopman diamond (это бриллиант Клопмана) ," she said. "It is beautiful (он прекрасен, красив) , but there is a terrible curse (но /здесь есть/ ужасное проклятье) that goes with it (которое ему сопутствует) ."

"What's the curse? (какое проклятие) " the man asked (спросил) .

"Mr. Klopman (мистер Клопман) ."

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant Jewish woman wearing the largest and most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."