Илья Франк - Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения

Now it was the turn (теперь была очередь) of Shlomo to ask a question (спросить = задать вопрос) .

"You’re from Texas, so what about your farm? (так что как насчет твоей фермы = что у тебя за ферма) " asks Shlomo.

Bud tells him (говорит, рассказывает ему) , "On my farm, I can drive (на моей ферме, я могу ехать) from morning until sundown (с утра до заката) and not reach the end of my property (и не достичь конца моего владения) ."

"That's too bad (плохо дело, не повезло: «это слишком плохо») ," says Shlomo. "I once had a car like that (у меня однажды, как-то /тоже/ была такая машина) ."

Bud, from Texas, is on holiday in Israel and meets farmer Shlomo there. Bud asks Shlomo what he does.

"I raise a few chickens," says Shlomo. "I'm also a farmer."

"So am I. How much land do you have?" asks Bud.

"Fifty meters in front, and almost a hundred at the back."

Now it was the turn of Shlomo to ask a question.

"You’re from Texas, so what about your farm?" asks Shlomo.

Bud tells him, "On my farm, I can drive from morning until sundown and not reach the end of my property."

"That's too bad," says Shlomo. "I once had a car like that."

That's too bad.

A rabbi, a priest (священник) and a minister (пастор) are discussing (обсуждают) when life begins (когда начинается жизнь) .

The priest says: "In our religion (в нашей религии), life begins at conception (при зачатии) ."

The minister says: "We disagree (мы несогласны; I agree — я согласен) . We believe that life begins (мы верим, что жизнь начинается) when the foetus is viable away from the mother's womb (плод жизнеспособен вне материнской утробы; foetus [ˈfi:tǝs]) ."

The rabbi responds (отвечает) : "You both are wrong (вы оба неправы) . In our religion, life begins when the kids graduate college (когда дети закончат колледж) and the dog dies (и сдохнет собака) ."

A rabbi, a priest and a minister are discussing when life begins.

The priest says: "In our religion, life begins at conception."

The minister says: "We disagree. We believe that life begins when the foetus is viable away from the mother's womb."

The rabbi responds: "You both are wrong. In our religion, life begins when the kids graduate college and the dog dies."

We disagree.

You both are wrong.

Mrs. Herman from London was visiting (навещала) some friends in Florida when she saw (когда она увидела /to see-saw-seen/) a little old man rocking merrily away (весело покачивающегося) on his front porch (на своем переднем крыльце) . He had a lovely smile (у него была приятная улыбка) on his face (на /его/ лице) . She just had to go over to him (она просто должна была подойти = не могла не подойти к нему) .

"I couldn’t help noticing (не могла не заметить) how happy you look (каким счастливым вы выглядите) . I would love (очень хотела бы) to know your secret for a long and happy life (узнать ваш секрет /для/ долгой и счастливой жизни) ."

"I smoke four packets of cigarettes a day (я выкуриваю четыре пачки сигарет в день) , drink five bottles (выпиваю пять бутылок) of scotch whiskey a week (в неделю) , eat lots and lots (ем очень и очень много: «множества и множества») of fatty food (жирной еды; fat — жир) and I never (никогда) , I mean (имею в виду = вот уж действительно) never exercise (никогда не упражняюсь = не делаю зарядку, гимнастику) ."

"Why, that’s absolutely amazing (совершенно поразительно) . I’ve never heard anything like this before (я никогда не слышала ничего подобного: «такое как это раньше») . How old are you? (сколько вам лет) "

"I’m twenty six (26) ," he replied.

Mrs. Herman from London was visiting some friends in Florida when she saw a little old man rocking merrily away on his front porch. He had a lovely smile on his face. She just had to go over to him.

"I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look. I would love to know your secret for a long and happy life."

"I smoke four packets of cigarettes a day, drink five bottles of scotch whiskey a week, eat lots and lots of fatty food and I never, I mean never exercise."

"Why, that’s absolutely amazing. I’ve never heard anything like this before. How old are you?"

"I’m twenty six," he replied.

I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look.

I would love to know your secret for a long and happy life.

Why, that’s absolutely amazing.

I’ve never heard anything like this before.

How old are you?

Moishe is being indoctrinated (прорабатывается; ему вдалбливается доктрина) by the Russian government (Российским правительством) :

Govt. Official (правительственный служащий) : "If you had a yacht (если бы у тебя была яхта) , what would you do with it? (чтобы ты с ней сделал) "

Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia (отдал бы Матери-России) ."

Govt. Official: "And if you had a palace (дворец; palace [ˈpælɪs]) , what would you do with it?"

Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia."

Govt. Official: "And if you had a sweater (свитер) , what would you do with it?"

No reply (нет ответа) .

Government official asks the question again (снова задает: «спрашивает» этот вопрос) .

And still (все еще, по-прежнему) no reply.

Finally (наконец) he shouts (выкрикивает) : "Moishe, why don't you reply?"

Moishe: "Because I have a sweater (потому что у меня есть свитер) ."

Moishe is being indoctrinated by the Russian government:

Govt. Official: "If you had a yacht, what would you do with it?"

Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia."

Govt. Official: "And if you had a palace, what would you do with it?"

Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia."

Govt. Official: "And if you had a sweater, what would you do with it?"

No reply.

Government official asks the question again.

And still no reply.

Finally he shouts: "Moishe, why don't you reply?"

Moishe: "Because I have a sweater."

If you had a yacht, what would you do with it?

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great (школа про$то $упер) . I am making lot$ of friend$ (я дружу $о многими: «делаю кучи дру$ей») and $tudying very hard (и учу$ь у$иленно) . With all my $tuff ($ моей нагру$кой) , I $imply can't think of anything I need (я про$то не могу думать о чем-то, в чем я нуждаю$ь) , $o if you would like (и е$ли ты хочешь) , you can ju$t $end me a card (ты можешь по$лать мне открытку) , a$ I would love to hear from you (так как я хочу получить изве$тие от тебя: «у$лышать от тебя») .

Love ($ любовью) ,

Your $on (твой $ын)

$hlomo

The Reply (ответ) :

Dear Shlomo,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy (я знаю, что астроNOмии, экоNOмики и океаNOграфии) are eNOugh to keep (довольNO, чтобы сделать: «держать, удерживать») even an hoNOr student busy (даже почетNOго студента занятым; honor — честь; honor student — особо хорошо успевающий студент, получающий известную долю независимости /в выборе того, чем ему заниматься/. При этом полагаются на его добросовестность — «честь») . Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge (NO не забудь, что погоня за знанием) is a NOble task (благородNOе дело: «задача») , and you can never study eNOugh (и ты не можешь никогда учиться достаточNO) .

Love your father,

NOach

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on

$hlomo

The Reply:

Dear Shlomo,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love your father,

NOach

I am making lots of friends.

I am studying very hard.

You can never study enough.

A man walked (один человек пришел: «вошел») into a lawyer's office (в адвокатскую контору) and inquired (спросил, осведомился) about the lawyer's rates (о расценках, сколько берет) .

"$50.00 for three questions (за три вопроса) ," replied the lawyer (ответил адвокат) .

"Isn't that awfully steep? («разве это не ужасно дорого»; steep — высокий, крутой) " asked the man (спросил этот человек) .

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question? (а каков ваш третий вопрос) "

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.

"$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

Isn't that awfully steep?

A Jewish lady calls the newspaper (звонит в газету) and asks for the obituary section (отдел некрологов) .

The obit guy asks (парень из отдела некрологов спрашивает) , "What can I do for you? (что я могу сделать для вас = чем могу помочь») "

"I'd like to place an obituary (я хотела бы поместить некролог) ."