Неизвестен Автор - Электронный жаргонарий

16. Хакер: Разворачивает шкаф, выбивает у него заднюю стенку, лезет внутрь, режет все пакеты и ткани, пока не находит носки. Носит носки гордо, но в глубокой тайне (то есть в ботинках).

17. Байсяк: Находит носки, но не в силах их надеть, так как слишком стеснен свежими пеленками.

18. Бухгалтерьер: Если находит носки, то тут же прячет их так, что никто и никогда не найдет.

О детях

Получив на уроке информатики двойку, Сидоров удалил страницу и переформатировал дневник.

Тоp Ten Signs That Linux Has Bill Gates Worried

* 10 - New numbering scheme. Instead of Windows95, it is now Windows

3.1.pl95.

* 9 - His wife says he's wild in bed now. He is tossing and turning in his

sleep, not just laying there.

* 8 - Microsoft's headquarter moves to Finland.

* 7 - Window's performance is now measured in BogoGPF's.

* 6 - Bill's consulting with his lawyers on whether or not they could defeat

the GPL.

* 5 - 1995 is here. Linux is here. Something isn't.

* 4 - Flowers sent to Janet Reno with a note saying "What's a little

anti-trust between friends."

* 3 - Renames Star Wars action figures as "Bill Skywalker" and "Darth

Torvalds"

* 2 - Whenever someone asks him about Windows, all he can say is "X"

* 1 - He sent Linus the source for Windows95 with a note that says "HELP ME

SAVE MY ASS!"

Brian A. Lantz(brian@lantz.com) Last updated: March 1, 1995

Does god know unix?

Take your time to understand this riddle.

This is the funniest message I have ever read.

GOD ONLINE ************************

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said

:Let there be light!

#Enter user id.

:God

#Enter password.

:Omniscient

#Password incorrect. Try again.

:Omnipotent

#Password incorrect. Try again.

:Technocrat

*

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

:Let there be light!

#Unrecognizable command. Try again.

:Create light

#Done

:Run heaven and earth

#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. #Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

:Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

#Unrecognizable command. Try again.

:Create firmament

#Done.

:Run firmament

#And God made the earth. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2. #Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and

#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

:Create dry_land

#Done.

:Run firmament

#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. #Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

#Unspecified type. Try again.

:Create sun_moon_stars

#Done

:Run sun_moon_stars

#And God saw the day and the night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. #Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

:Create fish

#Done

:Create fowl

#Done

:Run fish, fowl

#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. #Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

:Create cattle

#Done

:Create creepy_things

#Done

:Now let us make man in our image

#Unspecified type. Try again.

:Create man

#Done

:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

#Too many command operands. Try again.

:Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 6 errors.

:Insert breath

#Done

:Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 5 errors.

:Move man to Garden of Eden

#File Garden of Eden does not exist.

:Create Garden.edn

#Done

:Move man to Garden.edn

#Done

:Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 4 errors.

:Copy woman from man

#Done

:Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 3 errors.

:Insert woman into man

#Illegal parameters. Try again.

:Insert man into woman

#Done

:Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 2 errors.

:Create desire

#Done

:Run multiplication

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

:Create freewill

#Done

:Run freewill

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

:Undo desire

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

:Destroy freewill

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

:Help

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

:Create tree_of_knowledge

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

:Create good, evil

#Done

:Activate evil

#And God saw he had created shame. *

#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.

:Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

#Search failed.

:Delete shame

#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

:Destroy freewill

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

:Stop

#Unrecognizable command. Try again

:Break :Break :Break

#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

:Create new world

#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.

:Destroy earth

#Destroy earth: Please confirm.

:Destroy earth confirmed

#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 6 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Saturday, March 5. #Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.

To Igor Roshchin's homepage.

God as programmer

Some Important Theological Questions are Answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer.

Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life? A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through

all those variables.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen? A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.

Q: Does God know everything? A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find out what goes

on in the overnite job.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs? A: If an critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and

he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can

wait until tomorrow.

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days? A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy

bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend

had left him.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended? A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the

maintenance phase.

Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang? A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but

personally, God doubts that it will ever be implemented.

Q: Who is Satan? A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he

actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of

him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.

Q: What is the role of sinners? A: Sinners are the people who find new an imaginative ways to mess up

the system when God has made it idiot-proof.

Q: Where will I go after I die? A: Onto a DAT tape. [At least its not an 8mm tape.]

Q: Will I be reincarnated? A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching

those .tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you,

God will just say that the tape has been lost.

Q: Am I unique and special in the universe? A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running

exact duplicates of you in the present release version.

Q: What is the purpose of the universe? A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then

the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto

it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen? A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get

off his back and let him program.

Q: What is the one true religion? A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick

the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.

Q: Is God angry that we crucified him? A: Let's just say he's not going to any more meetings if he can help

it, because that last one with the twelve managers and the food

turned out to be murder.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil? A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common

word, or a date like your birthday.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true? A: They are much more likely to receive email.

Q: Some people say God is Love. A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a

question.

Abort, Retry, Fail?

*=To Igor Roshchin's homepage.

Пользователи и системные программисты

Едут в купе поезда четыре подьзователя. На каждого по билету. В соседнем купе едут четыре системных программиста. У них на всех только один билет.

Ожидается приход контролера(не контроллера). Системные программисты закрываются в туалете. Приходит контроляр. Проверяет билеты у пользователей и подходит к туалету. Стучит. Из двери высовывается рука и протягивает билет. Контролер проверяет его и уходит.

Едут обратно те же две компании, только на всех пользователей один билет, а на всех программистов ни одного билета.