Anna Tomkins - A bunch of bankers. Screenplay

So, you haven't actually banked with us since before the Beatles split up and the Americans faked those pictures of the moon landings. Sorry, can’t help you.

Customer stands up and bangs fist on desk.

SCRUFFY CUSTOMER

I'll get the money. You buggers with your suits and superior attitudes won’t ruin my Christmas.

Pushes chair out of way and leaves room.

Sean tidies up papers on desk.

Jane enters room.

JANE

What was that shouting about?

SEAN

Just had to turn down a loan application from one of the great unwashed.

Jane hands him some more papers.

JANE

Your day probably won’t be getting any easier. Your 10.30 appointment is outside. And it's Terry.

Sean groans and looks up at the ceiling.

SEAN (V.O.)

I actually had a soft spot for Terry. His Mum died twenty odd years back leaving poor Terry alone in the world, with pots of cash, and a big house near the golf course. Unfortunately Trevor's IQ is smaller than his waistband. And Terry is one skinny bloke.

INT. WAITING AREA (OUTSIDE INTERVIEW ROOM) – NEXT

Thin old man, sat patiently waiting for his appointment. TERRY. Wearing battered old raincoat, Sherlock Holmes deerstalker hat. Trainers with holes in. Big shopping bag on his lap. Looks like a human version of the alien from E.T.

SEAN (V.O.)

Afraid he would blow the lot on extra strong mints and comics, Mother left the money in a trust giving him a decent allowance every week. Sadly what was a decent allowance twenty years ago now won’t even buy Terry his comic books. The poor sod is destitute but because on paper he's rich, the social services can’t help him. And the bank is bound by the terms of the trust. Catch 22.

CUT TO:

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM – SEAN AND TERRY

Sean greets Terry. Offering him a chair.

Terry takes his Sherlock Holmes hat of his head and with complete idiot smile says

TERRY

I am Terry. Where's Sam.

SEAN

Yes I know Terry. Don't you remember me? I saw you a couple of months when the toilet bowl fell on your head. Me and Sam came round and fixed it for you. Remember?

FLASHBACK. INT. SAME INTERVIEW ROOM – THREE MONTHS EARLIER

Terry sat in chair wearing trademark raincoat and deerstalker hat. The hat is fastened tightly to his head by a thick bandage under his chin.

Sean trying not to giggle.

SEAN

Morning Terry. What's wrong with your head?

TREVOR

I went to the loo, pulled the chain and whole toilet fell on my head.

Sean struggling not to laugh. Sad but funny.

SEAN

Just a minute, mate. I'll go get Sam.

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM (BACK TO PRESENT)

Sean can smell something bad in the room.

SEAN

Sam's very busy this morning. What can I help you with my friend?

Terry puts the shopping bag down on the desk between them.

TERRY

It’s my dog Blackie.

SEAN

So what's wrong with Blackie then?

TERRY

He's got the shits. I don't have any money to take him to the vet.

SEAN

So where is Blackie now?

TERRY

Blackie is in my shopping bag so he don't make a mess in the bank.

Terry opens the bag and a little black head pops out. Sean leans forward, gets a smell from the bag and leans back as far as possible.

SEAN

Think it’s a bit late to worry about that now. Just a minute. I'll go get Sam.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BANK – BANKING HALL – CUSTOMERS SIDE OF COUNTER – SOME TIME LATER

TWO POLICEMEN enter the banking hall.

Policemen approach cashiers.

POLICEMAN N1

We need to speak with your manager for a few moments please. Tell him it’s urgent.

CUT TO:

INT. MANAGER'S MR. MCFIER OFFICE – WIDE SHOT – FEW MINUTES LATER

Manager Mr. McFier, two policemen, Sean and Sam.

Mr. McFier sat at his desk, stares at his guests.

Two policemen standing in front of the manager.

Sean and Sam standing either side of the manager, looking at the policemen.

POLICEMAN N1, short, fat man dressed in uniform. Wearing baton and handcuffs on his waist.

POLICEMAN N1

Our informant overheard the conversation in a bar on Brandlesbury Estate.

SEAN (V.O.)

Brandlesbury Estate was known locally as the roughest part of town. Even the police Alsations had to wear body armour on patrol.

POLICEMAN N1

The man told his friend that he was desperate for cash. He had got hold of a firearm and was going to rob a bank on Friday.

Please, be extra vigilant Gentlemen. Keep as little cash as possible on the counter. Our informant is considered reliable but he couldn't tell us which bank is the intended target.

POLICEMAN N2, tall big man. Also dressed in uniform. Joining the conversation.

POLICEMAN N2

If the man points a gun at you do as he says and give him everything he wants. Remember the bank is insured and we do not want any dead heroes.

The staff and the manager look concerned at each other.

ANGLE ON SEAN'S FACE

SEAN (V.O.)

If he points a gun at you do as he says? Are you fucking joking? If he points a gun at me I will make sure he does not leave without the managers wallet and car keys as well. Be A hero? On these wages? I don't think so.

MANAGER MR. MCFIER

Thanks for letting us know so promptly gentlemen. I will advise the staff to be extra cautious.

Turns to Sam.

MANAGER MR. MCFIER

Make sure the staff are aware of the potential threat, although to be honest we are about the smallest bank in town. Anybody that desperate for money would probably go for one of the bigger fish. Who have we got working at the sub branch on Friday?

SEAN (V.O.)

The sub branch was only open on Friday mornings for the market traders. There was only ever a supervisor and one cashier. I loved doing this job. It was never busy. An absolute dawdle.

SAM

Sean is going as supervisor and I was thinking of sending Margaret.

SEAN (V.O.)

Oh shit, not Margaret. Since her husband went off on his round the world expedition for a packet of cigarettes she has been completely spaced out. Most of the time she doesn't know what planet she is on. Please, please, oh please, send gorgeous Rachael. The love of my life.

MANAGER MR. MCFIER

Capital idea Sam. Should be nice and quiet for the old girl. OK back to work gentlemen.

Sam and Sean leave the manager’s office.

INT. MAIN OFFICE – SEAN AND SAM – NEXT

SAM

How are you fixed for money Sean?

SEAN

If I get any more skint Bob Geldof will be arranging a Live Aid concert for me. Why?

SAM

Fancy some overtime and travel expenses?

Sean nods.

SAM

You know Mr. James?

SEAN

The wrestler? Yes seen him on TV once or twice. I don't care if it’s all choreographed, I wouldn't want him to chuck me around a ring.

SAM

That's the man. He also owns a restaurant up on the moors. I need you to do a visit to it. Its miles from anywhere so you will make a few quid in car mileage allowance.

SEAN

Cheers mate. What do you need me to do?

Sam takes a large brown envelope from his desk and hands it to Sean.

SAM

Village needs these mortgage documents signing and sending back to Head Office as soon as possible. Mr. James will be there any time after seven.

SEAN

No problemo. I'll do it tonight.

CUT TO:

INT. BANKING HALL – NEXT

Sam makes an announcement to the staff.

SAM

Listen up everybody. The police have just informed us that there is a danger of an armed robbery in this area, probably on Friday, so let’s be extra careful please.

SARAH AND RACHAEL

On counter, serving a queue of customers, talking quietly to each other.

Sarah counting money. Smiles politely to very Tall customer in gray coat.

SARAH

Did you know the glass screen between us and Joe Public is not actually bulletproof?

RACHAEL

(looks surprised; shakes her head)

You're kidding me, right?

SARAH

(lowers her voice)

Bloody am not. Bulletproof glass counter screens are far too expensive to waste money on protecting staff against attack. I heard that a couple of years back a customer in Bolton accidentally smacked the screen with his walking stick and covered the cashier in broken glass.

RACHAEL

(in disbelieving voice)

Never!

SARAH

Absolutely Gospel. Ask Sam if you don't believe me.

RACHAEL

Then why do we have them?

Sarah turns her head to Tall customer. The customer cannot hear the conversation through the glass screen.

SARAH

The counter screens are the most fun you get working in a bank. I just love watching the positions customers get into when they are trying to talk to us through the little gap at the bottom.

TALL CUSTOMER bends right down to cash slot, head resting on counter.

TALL CUSTOMER

Can I have that in tenners please love?

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