Армине Аракян - Размышления в тему и без

© Армине Аракян, 2016

ISBN 978-5-4483-0948-9

Создано в интеллектуальной издательской системе Ridero

Наконец-то зарегистрировала себя в ЖЖ! Почему это было важно? Скажу! Ведь уже не секрет, что я намереваюсь-таки начать свою книгу и никак не начну в силу многих многих многих причин. Есть так много чего рассказать, что не знаю – все впихнуть в одну книжку или разбить все это дело на серию книг. Но вот не дай бог еще уподобиться злосчастным писакам, которые выпускают книги по какой-то формуле, иначе их не назовешь! Так как нормальную книжку надо выстрадать, выносить, родить наконец. Вот наверное с помощью этого ЖЖ наберусь наконец храбрости и начну мало-по-малу высказываться по поводу и без. И если мне самой моя писанина не надоест, то не надоест и тебе – мой читатель, а посему – будет иметь смысл начать книжку. Зачем я все это вам говорю? Да потому что хочу чтоб ты гордился мной когда-нибудь – когда я уже буду знаменитой, и мой блог за меня будут вести другие, а я буду где то на необитаемом острове в поисках музы на новый шедевр. А ты бы мог сказать что читал мой самый первый пост в ЖЖ – дескать стоял у самых истоков. Нескромно? Естественно. Я и не претендовала никогда на эту добродетель. Да и вообще – что такое добродетель? На любителя: Кому-то скромность добродетель а кому-то гадкое, напускное, выдуманное, нелицеприятное, чужое понимание оной. До скорого!

…last minutes and hours of another winter ticking away in the room, with me sitting in the middle of the ticking wall-clock and another movie, another best one. So many people around, each in their own cells, surrounded by their own cell-guards waiting their next day as a punishment. But there is going to be no next day. There is no next day. There is one endless today. Today is endless. Every day is today and every day while we wait for the next day to come. The next day will bring with itself nothing but another today. It is spring ladies and gentlemen! How do you spend your last winter night? Getting ready for another busy day? Running somewhere for getting something? Why? For what? Do not hurry. Tomorrow never comes. I love listening to the clock-ticking. It is a mechanical proof of time passing by. Or rather of us passing by the time. We pass by each other without counting days. Without counting the hours we spend together on this tiny planet among the huge system where we are not alone for sure. We are lonely, but not alone. Why one cannot choose? There is always choice to stay or to go? To smile or to stay grim? To wait, or to run away? I want to wait. I want to smile. I want to stay. Welcome – the last winter night!

Location: Армения, Ереван

Somewhere far away in the universe lives my soul. I know who took it away and I don’t mind because he needs it more than I do. It has to go that far to come back to me improved and to teach me things I still don’t know. Learned to stop asking the question «why» because no one who could answer is near. No one who could look into my eyes and give me the answers to one or two of my «why"s. It does not make sense anyway, because the moment you find the answers the questions change:) the quote is not mine but it is totally my case. I love this life and this life seems to love me back with all its heart. This is the philosophy I am living with and this is the truth I believe in. Everyone believes his own god. I believe that my soul is in safe hands now because I miss it so much. Who sent my body here and forgot to attach me to all the necessary attributes I need to go on with? I don’t know but whoever did it, was a Master:) There is one thing I know for sure. Nothing makes sense, so no need to find sense in everything. Do not rationalize, just do what makes you feel happy and does not make others unhappy. These are both equal values I live with. If someone has better answers I will be glad to… CONSIDER. But not change. If I change, I will get lost, because the path is clearer now than ever, and the light is visible. I yearned for peace of mind, and I got it. Where is my soul now? Did you get your peace of mind? Was this what you wanted, my soul? I hope so, because otherwise I want you back to safety with me. I will not let anyone hurt you any more:.

It all started on a strange rainy day when she was getting back home in a taxi. It all started strange. The taxi driver warned that he is short of petrol, but she never minded it. She was in a hurry home though as a rule she always found excuses and reasons to be late. More time to her own self as usual. The selfishness in her sometimes scared her but she learned to live in comfort with her own self for her own sake. Anyway the taxi driver was not only short of petrol, but also very talkative which she sometimes hated. Not that she was not sociable enough to find two words to exchange with a regular taxi driver. But not today. Today she was asking herself thousands of questions at once: that guy she had in mind for those few days: she felt very strange attraction towards him. He was not uttering a single word to her during the time they were sharing the same society (let’s call it like that for now). But yet he seemed to be watching her intently all the time, even when she was not conscious of his existence. Probably he interested her because he was so aloof and so laconic. Probably she was always attracted by the strange and unknown? Well she was not positioned to judge now.

Something was definitely going wrong with the taxi. The petrol was heading towards the critical mark and she knew they had still half the way to go. She was nervous but she knew that she would reach home and she wanted to speak to him soon enough on the net. Probably that’s why she took the bad taxi in a bad weather.

The badness of weather revealed itself immediately when she thought about it. It was drizzling when she took the taxi, and it became all of a sudden to pour as hell. She never saw such a rain in all her life. In less than 15 minutes the streets reminded of grey, dirty, cold rivers running down the street to an unknown, dirtier solace. What else could happen to worsen her mood? True, my reader. The petrol. He ran out of the entire petrol before they were almost there. In other weather conditions she wouldn’t mind at all, but now those 500 meters seemed an eternity to her, with no help arriving, and no hope for the rain to cease. So she had to make the choice again. Impatience was a virtue with her, so she took the harder way.

She ran out of the taxi and appeared knee-high in water almost. She immediately was soaked to the skin and her tiny blouse sort of disappeared on her body, leaving her transparently naked in the middle of the street. But she walked on and was sure she was doing right. It all began today she knew it. She was sure it was a new start and this rain was washing away all the past, the unnecessary waste of it all. The guy was watching her intensely as if trying to read her mind. She was resolute to help him read it. Or at least leaf some pages. She knew that the deeper he read on, the farther he would sink into the eternity of her own self and would lose his own self. She was scared for him. But she was selfish. And she wanted him to try.

She finally found her way home. How? Oh, yeah, some strange man gave him a short ride to her house on his car. She didn’t bother to ask his name, or to say thanks, she had other thoughts materializing in her mind. She was talking to him in her mind all the time and when she turned on her pc and he was online, she thought it was the sign. He should know how adventurous was her comeback today. She wanted him to go on looking at her even when she was away. She wanted him to know that even when she was far away, she wanted him to watch over her. He inspired trust. And she felt safer with him watching. It all started on a strange rainy day.

Sometimes she woke up in the nights as if pushed by someone. She knew she woke up because he had been thinking of her in his sleep or because he was in some kind of distress and just called her name in the dark. She was getting mad? Perhaps. There is no way she could check it, because she stopped realizing what is mad and what is normal. She had to follow her heart and her heart was misleading her. It was so misleading that she was running away from her heart insanely. She had to. Otherwise she would never stop waking up at nights, smelling him, seeing him, feeling the warm and damp air around her, the smell of breeze, only because of the vicinity of the sea. He hated sea. Why? Because he hated everything that was always near….she wanted to be always near, and he hated her for that. He knew that proximity kills the feeling. But distance kills the heart. It was assassinating her soul day by day, night after night. She craved for salvation. She knew it would not come, but she still prayed that one day she would stop feeling her heart. That one day she would stop dreaming of impossible. Dreaming of him, who was happy all by himself. Who was looking for someone who is also happy by herself. She was not that one. She wanted to see him in the mirror of her soul as she always did. She knew that he will never do it. Because it is scary when you look at someone and see your own self. It is scary but it is everyone’s dream. She was scared because her that dream came true. She met him. And he met her. And she did the biggest mistake in her life. She let him look into her eyes… and he looked. She had only one hope: SHE ALSO LOOKED BACK! That is the reflection which will stay forever. For both of them.

I’ve been wondering what happens to love in universe? The theory says that all our thoughts and words are materialized. So the question is – where goes all the love inside me? Which planet it feeds? What it transforms into? Why I cannot see what happens to my years and years and years dedicated to loving the life? Probably this is the response to the question – what is life? Probably life is granted to you because of someone else’s love? Just this way – my love has granted life to some of creatures on this planet… The saying goes God is love. So our love is the Creator? so our love is responsible for what we see around? People hate now more than they love and hence so many people die for nothing… We all have that duty on this planet. To love. This is the source of continuity in everything. The day we all stop loving, the Earth will come to end. My darling… u say you do not believe in love. You are confessing to me that you do not believe in God… Because Love is god, and god is Love:) I have not seen my love materialize in universe but I have reasons to believe that it goes a long way and finds its way to new life. This is the true connection with the universe. This is the true way of doing the right thing. Just be responsible for what you feel. And feel what is to be felt without remorse. It is a gift to you. Indeed you are so largely endowed with this gift…