Ирвин Ялом - The Schopenhauer Cure

«Amen,” said Julius.

«Amen,” chimed in Tony, who added, «I`m with Gill, and, just for the

record, I bought that roadster used and it`s put me in hock for the next three

years.»

«And Bonnie,” Gill continued, «in your go–round what you did was focus

exactly on those external things—professions, money, successful kids. None of

those relate to why you are the least important person in this room. I consider you

very important. You`re a key member; you`re engaged with all of us; you`re

warm, giving; you even offered me a place to sleep a couple of weeks ago when I

didn`t want to go home. You keep the group focused; you work hard here.»

Bonnie held her ground. «I`m a drag; my whole life has been about shame

for my alcoholic parents, always lying about my family. Inviting you home, Gill,

was a big event for me—I could never invite kids home, full of fear that my father

would show up drunk. What`s more, my ex–husband was a drunk, my daughter`s

a heroine addict...”

«You`re still evading the point, Bonnie,” said Julius. «You talk of your

past, your daughter, your ex, your family...butyou, where areyou ?»

«Iam these things, a composite of all these things; what else can I be? I`m a

boring pudgy librarian, what I do is to catalog books...I...I don`t know what you

mean. I`m confused, I don`t know where or who I am.» Bonnie began to cry,

pulled out a tissue, blew her nose loudly, closed her eyes, raised both hands and

drew circles in the air, and, between the sobs, muttered, «This is enough for me;

it`s all I can take today.»

Julius shifted into another gear and addressed the entire group. «Let`s take a

look at what`s happened the past several minutes. Who`s got some feelings or

observations?» Having succeeded in moving the group into the here–and–now, he

advanced to the next step. In his view the work in therapy consisted of two

phases: first interaction, often emotional, and second, understanding that

interaction. That`s the way therapy should proceed—an alternating sequence of

evocation of emotions and then understanding. So he now attempted to switch the

group into the second phase by saying, «Let`s back up and take a dispassionate

look at what`s just transpired.»

Stuart was about to describe the sequence of events when Rebecca jumped

in: «I think the important thing was Bonnie giving her reasons for feeling

unimportant and then assuming we would all agree. That`s when she became

confused and cried and said she had had enough—I`ve seen her do that before.»

Tony said, «Yeah, I agree. Bonnie, you do get emotional when you get a lot

of attention. Are you embarrassed by the spotlight?»

Still sobbing, Bonnie said, «I should have been appreciative, but look what

a mess I made of it. And look at how much better others would`ve used this time.»

«The other day,” Julius said, «I had a conversation with a colleague about

one of his patients. He said she had a habit of catching spears thrown at her and

then stabbing herself with them. Maybe I`m being a little loose here, Bonnie, but

that popped in mind when I saw how you take things and punish yourself with

them.»

«I know you`re all feeling impatient with me. I guess I still don`t know how

to use the group.»

«Well, you know what I`m going to say, Bonnie. Exactlywho here was

impatient? Look around the room.» The group could absolutely count on Julius

asking this question. He had never been known to let such a statement go by

without honing in on it and asking for names.

«Well, I think Rebecca wanted me to stop.»

«Whhhattt? Why I...”

«Hold up a minute, Rebecca,” Julius was being unusually directive today.

«Bonnie, what exactly did you see? What cues did you pick up?»

«About Rebecca? Well, she was silent. Didn`t speak a word.»

«I can`t win. I was doing my best to be quiet so you couldn`t accuse me of

taking attention from you. Can`t you recognize a gift?»

Bonnie was about to respond when Julius asked her to continue with her

descriptions of who was bored.

«Well, nothing I can spell out concretely. But you can just tell when people

are bored. I bore myself. Philip wasn`t looking at me, but then he never looks at

anyone. I know the group was waiting to hear from Philip. What he said about

popularity was far more interesting to the group than my whining.»

«Well, I wasn`t bored with you,” replied Tony, «and I didn`t see anyone

else bored either. And what Philip had to say wasnot more interesting; he stays so

much in his head that I don`t get real excited by his comments. I don`t even

remember them.»

«I do,” said Stuart. «Tony, after you commented about how he was always

in the center of things despite saying so little, he said that Bonnie and Rebecca

had a very similar problem. They`re overinvested in the opinions of others:

Rebecca gets too inflated and Bonnie too deflated—it was something like that.»

«You`re being a clicker again,” said Tony, pantomiming holding a camera

and taking pictures.

«Right. Keep me honest. I know, I know—less observations, more feelings.

Well, I agree that Philip is somehow central without having to say much. And it

does feel like breaking the rules to confront Philip about anything.»

«That`s an observation and an opinion, Stuart,” said Julius. «Can you go to

the feelings?»

«Well, I guess I have some envy about Rebecca`s interest in Philip. I felt

that it was odd no one asked Philip how he felt about that—well, that`s not quite a

feeling, is it?»

«Closer,” said Julius. «First cousin to a feeling. Keep going.»

«I feel threatened by Philip. He`s too smart. Also I feel ignored by him.

And don`t like being ignored.»

«Bingo, Stuart, now you`re honing in,” said Julius. «Any questions for

Philip?» Julius labored to keep his tone soft and delicate. His job was to help the

group include, not to threaten and exclude Philip by insisting he perform in a

manner not yet possible. It was for that reason he called upon Stuart rather than

the more confrontative Tony.

«Sure, but it`s hard to ask Philip questions.»

«He`s right here, Stuart.» Another fundamental Julius rule: never allow

members to speak of one another in the third person.

«Well, that`s the issue. It`s hard to talk to him...” Stuart turned to Philip, «I

mean, Philip, it`s hard to talk to you because you never look at me. Like right

now. Why is that?»

«I prefer to keep my own counsel,” said Philip, still gazing toward the

ceiling.

Julius was poised to leap into the discussion if needed, but Stuart stayed

patient.

«I don`t follow.»

«If you ask something of me, I want to search within myself, free of any

distractions, in order to give you my best possible answer.»

«But your not looking at me makes me feel we`re not in contact.»

«But my words must tell you otherwise.»

«How about walking and chewing gum?» interjected Tony.

«Pardon?» Philip, puzzled, turned his head but not his eyes toward Tony.

«Like, how about doing both at the same time—looking at himand giving a

good answer?»

«I prefer to search my own mind. Meeting the gaze of the other distracts me

from searching for the answer the other might wish to hear.»

Silence prevailed while Tony and the others mulled Philip`s response.

Stuart then posed another question: «Well, let me ask you, Philip, all that

discussion about Rebecca`s preening for you—how did that make you feel?»

«You know,” Rebecca`s eyes showed fire, «I amreally beginning to resent

this, Stuart...it`s as though Bonnie`s fantasy has now passed into the books as

gospel.»

Stuart refused to be diverted. «Okay, okay. Delete that question. Philip, I`ll

ask you this: how did you feel about all the discussion about you the last

meeting?»

«The discussion was of great interest, and I am unflaggingly attentive.»

Philip looked at Stuart and continued, «But I have no emotional responses if that`s

your inquiry.»

«None? That doesn`t seem possible,” replied Stuart.

«Before beginning the group I read Julius`s book on group therapy and was

well prepared for the events of these meetings. I expected certain things to

happen: that I would be an object of curiosity, that some would welcome me and

some not, that the established hierarchy of power would be unsettled by my

entrance, that the women might look favorably upon me and the men unfavorably,

that the more central members might resent my appearance while the less

influential ones might be protective of me. Anticipating these things has resulted

in my viewing the events in the group dispassionately.»

Stuart, as Tony before him, was stunned by Philip`s response and lapsed

into silence as he digested Philip`s words.

Julius said, «I`ve a bit of a dilemma...” He waited a moment. «On the one

hand,” he continued, «I feel it`s important to follow up this discussion with Philip,

but I`m also concerned about Rebecca. Where are you, Rebecca? You look

distressed, and I know you`ve been trying to get in.»

«I`m feeling a little bruised today and shut out, ignored. By Bonnie, by

Stuart.»

«Keep going.»

«There`s a lot of negative stuff coming my way—about being self–centered,

not being interested in woman friends, about posturing for Philip. It stings. And I

resent it.»

«I know what that`s like,” said Julius. «I have those same knee–jerk

reactions to criticism. But let me tell you what I`ve learned to do. The real trick is

to think of feedback as a gift, but first you must decide whether it`s accurate. The

way I proceed is to check in with myself and ask whether it clicks with my own

experience of myself. Does any part, even a tad of it, even five percent, ring true?

I try to recall if people in the past had given me this feedback before. I think about

other people with whom I can check it out. I wonder if someone is honing in on

one of my blind spots, something they see that I do not. Can you try this?»

«That`s not easy, Julius. I feel tight about it.» Rebecca clasped her hand to

her sternum. «Right here.»

«Give that tightness a voice. What`s it saying?»

«It`s saying, ‘How will I look?` It`s shame. It`s being found out. This

business about people noticing my playing with my hair. Makes me cringe, makes

me want to say, ‘It`s none of your fucking business—it`s my hair—I`ll do what I

want with it.`”

In his most teacherly voice Julius responded, «Years ago there was a

therapist named Fritz Perls who started a school called gestalt therapy. You don`t

hear much about him nowadays, but, anyway, he did a lot of focusing on the

body—you know, ‘Look what your left hand is doing right now,` or ‘I see you

stroking your beard a lot.` He`d ask patients to exaggerate the movement: ‘Keep

making a tighter fist with your left hand,` or ‘Keep stroking that beard more and

more vigorously and stay aware of what gets evoked.`

«I always felt there was a lot to Perls`s approach because so much of our

unconscious is expressed through body movements that lie out of our own