Ирвин Ялом - The Schopenhauer Cure

awareness. But I`ve never made much use of it in therapy. The reason? Exactly

because of what`s happening now, Rebecca. We often get defensive when others

spot us doing things of which we are unaware. So I understand how

uncomfortable you feel, but even so, can you stay with it and try to learn if there`s

something of value in the feedback?»

«In other words, you`re saying ‘be mature.` I`ll try.» Rebecca sat up

straight, took a breath, and with a determined demeanor began, «First, itis true

that I like attention and that I first came to therapy upset about my aging and

about no longer being stared at by men. So I may have been preening for Philip

but not consciously.» She turned back to the group. «So, mea culpa. I like to be

admired, I like to be loved and adored, I like love.»

«Plato,” Philip interjected, «observed that love is in the one who loves, not

in the one who is loved.»

«Love is in the one who loves not in the one who is loved—That`s a great

quote, Philip,” Rebecca said, flashing a smile. «You see, that`s what I like about

you. Comments just like that. They open my eyes. I find you interesting.

Attractive too.»

Rebecca turned to the group. «Does that mean I want to have an affair with

him? Nope! The last affair I had just about did my marriage in, and I`m not

shopping for trouble.»

«So Philip,” said Tony, «you have feelings about what Rebecca just said?»

«I said before that my goal in life is to will as little as possible and to know

as much as possible. Love, passion, seduction—these are powerful sentiments,

part of our hardwiring to perpetuate our species and, as Rebecca has just made

clear, they may operate unconsciously. But, all in all, these activities serve to

derail reason and interfere with my scholarly pursuits, and I want nothing to do

with them.»

«Every time I ask you something, you give me an answer that`s hard to

argue with. But you never answer my question,” said Tony.

«I think he answered it,” said Rebecca. «He made it clear that he does not

want any emotional involvement, that he wants to stay free and clearheaded. I

think Julius has made the same point—that`s why there`s a taboo against romantic

involvement in the group.»

«What taboo?» Tony addressed Julius. «I never heard that rule said out

loud.»

«I`ve never put it just like that. The only ground rule you heard from me

about relationships outside of the meetings is that there be no secrets and that if

there are any encounters whatsoever outside the group sessions, the members

involved must bring it up in the group. If not, if you keep secrets, it almost always

gums up the work of the group and sabotages your own therapy. That`s my only

rule about outside encounters. But, Rebecca, let`s not lose the thread of what`s

going on between you and Bonnie. Check into your feelings about her.»

«She`s raised some heavy stuff. Is it true I don`t relate to women? I want to

say no. There`s my sister—I`m close to her, sort of—and a couple of other

women attorneys in my office, but, Bonnie, you`re probably putting your finger

on something—there`s definitely more charge, more excitement for me in relating

to men.»

«I`m flashing on college,” said Bonnie, «and how I didn`t have many dates

and how dismissed I felt when some girlfriend thought nothing of canceling out

on me, at the last minute, if she got an invitation from a guy.»

«Yeah, I probably would have done that,” said Rebecca. «You`re right—

men and dating, that was what it was all about. It made some sense then; now it

doesn`t.»

Tony had been continuing to study Philip and approached him again.

«Philip, you know, you`re like Rebecca in some ways. You preen, too, but you do

it with snappy, deep–sounding slogans.»

«I believe your point, «said Philip with eyes closed in deep concentration,

«is that my motivation in voicing observations is not what it seems to be: that it is

instead self–serving, a form of preening in which, if I understand you, I attempt to

evoke Rebecca`s and others` interest and admiration. Is that correct?»

Julius felt on edge. No matter what he did, the focus kept going back to

Philip. At least three conflicting desires fought for his attention: first, to protect

Philip against too much confrontation, second, to prevent Philip`s impersonality

from derailing the intimate discourse, and, third, to cheer Tony on in his efforts to

knock Philip on his ass. But, all in all, he decided to stay on the sidelines for the

time being because the group was handling the situation. In fact, something

important had just happened: for the first time Philip was responding directly,

even personally, to someone.

Tony nodded. «That`s about what I meant, except that it may be more than

just interest or admiration. Try seduction.»

«Yes, that`s a good correction. It`s implied in your wordpreening and thus

you suggest that my motivation parallels Rebecca`s, that is, I wish to seduce her.

Well, that`s a substantial and reasonable hypothesis. Let`s see how to test it.»

Silence. No one responded, but Philip did not appear to be waiting for a

response. After a moment of reflection with his eyes closed he pronounced,

«Perhaps it is best to follow Dr. Hertzfeld`s procedure...”

«Call me Julius.»

«Ah, yes. So, to follow Julius`s procedure, I must first check whether

Tony`s hypothesis is consonant with my inner experience.» Philip paused, shook

his head. «I find no evidence for this. Many years ago I tore myself free from

attachment to public opinion. I firmly believe that the happiest of men are those

who seek for nothing so much as solitude. I speak of the divine Schopenhauer, of

Nietzsche and Kant. Their point, and my point, is that the man of inner wealth

wants nothing from the outside except the negative gift of undisturbed leisure

which permits him to enjoy his wealth—that is, his intellectual faculties.

«In short, then, I conclude that my contributions do not stem from an

attempt to seduce anyone or elevate myself in your eyes. Perhaps there are tatters

of this desire left; I can only say I do not consciously experience it. I do recognize

regret that I myself have only mastered the great thoughts, not contributed to

them.»

In his decades of leading therapy groups Julius had experienced many

silences, but the silence that followed Philip`s response was unlike any other. It

was not the silence accompanying great emotion nor the silence signifying

dependency, embarrassment, or bafflement. No, this silence was different, as

though the group had stumbled upon a new species, a new life–form, perhaps a

six–eyed salamander with feathered wings, and, with utmost caution and

deliberateness, slowly circled it.

Rebecca was the first to respond, «To be so content, to need so little from

others, never to crave the company of others—sounds pretty lonely, Philip.»

«On the contrary,” said Philip, «in the past, when I craved the company of

others, asked for something which they would not, indeed could not, give—

thatwas when I knew loneliness. I knew it very well. To need no person is never

to be lonely. Blessed isolation is what I seek.»

«Yet you`re here,” said Stuart, «and take it from me—this group is the

archenemy of isolation. Why expose yourself to this?»

«Every thinker must support his habit. Either they were fortunate enough to

have had a university stipend like Kant or Hegel or independent means like

Schopenhauer or a day job like Spinoza, who ground lenses for spectacles to

support himself. I have chosen philosophical counseling as my day job, and this

group experience is part of my certification experience.»

«That means, then,” said Stuart, «that you are engaging with us in this

group, but your ultimate goal is to help others never to need such engagement.»

Philip paused and then nodded.

«Let me be sure I got you right,” said Tony. «If Rebecca digs you, comes

on to you, turns on her charm, gives you her amazing killer smile, you`re saying it

has no effect on you? Zero?»

«No, I didn`t say ‘no effect.` I agree with Schopenhauer when he wrote that

beauty is an open letter of recommendation predisposing the heart to favor the

person who presents it. I find that an individual of great beauty is wondrous to

behold. But I`m also saying that someone else`s opinion of me does not, must not,

alter my opinion of myself.»

«Sounds mechanical. Not quite human,” replied Tony.

«What truly felt inhuman was the time when I allowed my estimation of my

value to bob up and down like a cork according to the regard flowing from

inconsequential others.»

Julius stared at Philip`s lips. What a marvel they were. How exactly they

mirrored Philip`s calm composure, how steadfast, how unquavering, as they

shaped each passing word into the same perfect roundness of pitch and tone. And

it was easy to empathize with Tony`s escalating desire to ruffle Philip. But

knowing Tony`s impulsivity might quickly escalate, Julius decided it was time to

steer the discussion into a more benign direction. It was not time to confront

Philip; this was only his fourth meeting.

«Philip, earlier in your comments to Bonnie you said that your aim was to

be helpful to her. And you`ve also given counsel to others here—Gill, Rebecca.

Can you say more about why you do that? It seems to me there is something in

your desire to counsel that goes beyond a day job. After all, there`s no financial

incentive in offering your help to others here.»

«I try always to keep in mind that we are all sentenced to an existence filled

with inescapable misery—an existence which none of us would choose if we

knew the facts ahead of time. In that sense we are all, as Schopenhauer put

it,fellow sufferers, and we stand in need of tolerance and love from our neighbors

in life.»

«Schopenhauer again! Philip, I hear too damn much about Schopenhauer—

whoever he is—and too damn little about you.» Tony spoke calmly, as though

imitating Philip`s measured tone, yet his breathing was shallow and rapid.

Generally, confrontation came easily to Tony; at the time he began therapy

scarcely a week passed without a physical contretemps in a bar, in traffic, at work,

or on the basketball court. Though not a large man, he was fearless in

confrontation; except for one situation—a clash of ideas with an educated

articulate bully, someone exactly like Philip.

Philip gave no sign he intended to respond to Tony. Julius broke the

silence. «Tony, you seem deep in thought. What`s running through your mind?

«I was thinking about what Bonnie said earlier in the meeting about

missing Pam. Me, too. I been missing her today.»

Julius was not surprised. Tony had become accustomed to Pam`s tutelage

and protection. The two of them had had struck up an odd–couple relationship—

the English professor and the tattooed primitive. Using an oblique approach,

Julius said, «Tony, I imagine it`s not easy for you to say, ‘Schopenhauer, whoever

that is.`”

«Well, we`re here to tell the truth,” Tony responded.