Ирвин Ялом - The Schopenhauer Cure

When it became clear Gill was not going to elaborate, Tony asked,

«You want to say more about the other stuff?»

Gill sat for a moment, his bald pate glistening with sweat, and then

mustered resolve and said, «Tell you what, let me go around the rest of the

group and talk about my feelings.» He began with Stuart, who sat next to

Bonnie. «For you, Stuart, I got nothing but admiration. If I had kids, I`d

feel lucky to have you as their doctor. And what you described last week

doesn`t change any of my feelings.

«And you, Rebecca, tell you the truth, you intimidate me—you

seem too perfect, too pretty, too clean. What you told us about the incident

in Las Vegas doesn`t change that—to me you`re still pristine and spotless

with tons of confidence. Maybe it`s because I`m flustered now, but I can`t

even remember why you`re in therapy. Stuart`s image of you being a

porcelain doll—that rings true—maybe you`re a little too brittle, maybe

you got some sharp edges—I don`t know.

«And, Pam, you`re a straight shooter, blunt, smartest person I`d ever

met until Philip entered—he can give you a run for it. I know I don`t want

to get on the wrong side of either of you. But, Pam, you`ve got stuff to

work on with men. They`ve given you hard times, but then, again, you

hate us. All of us. Hard to know what`s chicken, what`s egg.

«Philip, you`re way up there, like, in another whole layer or...or

realm ofbeing. But I wonder about you. I wonder if you`ve ever had a

friend—I can`t see you actually hanging out, having a beer, talking about

the Giants. I can`t see you having a good time or actually everliking

anyone. And I`ll tell you the real question for me:why aren`t you lonely? ”

Gill continued on, «Tony, you`re fascinating to me, you work with

your hands, you really do things, not push numbers around like me. I wish

you weren`t so ashamed of your work.

«Well that`s everybody.»

«No, it`s not,” said Rebecca, glancing toward Julius.

«Oh, Julius? He`s of the group, not in the group.»

«What`s ‘ofthe group` mean?» asked Rebecca.

«Oh, I don`t know, just a cute phrase I heard and been wanting to

use. Julius—he`s just there for me, for everyone, he`s far above us. The

way he...”

«He?» asked Julius, pantomiming searching about the group.

«Where is this ‘he` guy?»

«Okay, I meanyou, Julius, the way you`re handling your illness—I

mean it`s impressive—I`ll never forget it.»

Gill stopped. Everyone`s attention remained riveted upon him, but

he exhaled with a loud «whoosh.» He looked as though he had had it and

settled back in his chair, obviously fatigued, and took out a handkerchief

and wiped his face and head.

Sentiments such as «good job, you took some risks» were voiced by

Rebecca, Stuart, Tony, and Bonnie. Pam and Philip remained silent.

«How was that, Gill? You satisfied?» asked Julius.

Gill nodded. «I broke some new ground. Hope I didn`t offend.»

«How about you, Pam? You satisfied?»

«I`ve already put in my time today as the group bitch.»

«Gill, let me ask you to do something,” said Julius. «Imagine a

continuum of self–revealing. At one pole, which we`ll call ‘one,` is the

safest revealing, cocktail party stuff; and at the other pole, call it ‘ten,`

would be the deepest and riskiest revealing you can possibly imagine. Got

that?»

Gill nodded.

«Now look back on your go–round just now. Tell me, Gill, what

kind of score would you give yourself?»

Continuing to nod, Gill answered swiftly, «I`d give myself a ‘four,`

maybe a ‘five`.»

Julius, wanting to circumvent intellectualization or other defenses

from Gill`s arsenal of resistance, responded instantly, «And now tell me,

Gill, what would happen it you were to ratchet up a notch or two?»

«If I were to ratchet up a notch or two,” Gill replied without

hesitation, «I`d tell the group I was an alcoholic and that I drink myself to

unconsciousness every night.»

The group was stunned, Julius no less than the others. Before he had

brought Gill into the group, he had seen him in individual therapy for two

years andnever, not once, had Gill mentioned an alcohol problem. How

could this be? Julius was congenitally trusting of his patients. He was one

of those optimistic souls who was greatly destabilized by duplicity; he felt

wobbly and needed time to formulate a new vision of Gill. As he mused

silently about his own naГЇvetГ© and the tenuousness of reality, the mood of

the group darkened and progressed from incredulousness to stridency.

«What, you`re joking!»

«I can`t believe it. How could you have come here week after week

and withhold this?»

«You never took a drink with me, not even a beer. What wasthat all

about?»

«Goddamn it! When I think of all the wild–goose chases you led us

on, all the time we wasted.»

«What kind of game were you playing?—everything a lie—I mean

that stuff about Rose`s problems—her bitchiness, her refusing sex, her

refusal to have a child, and not a word about the real issue—your

drinking.»

Once Julius got his bearings, he understood what to do. A basic

axiom that he taught to his group therapy students was:Members should

never be punished for self–disclosure. On the contrary, risk taking must

always be supported and reinforced.

With that in mind, he said to the group: «I understand your dismay

that Gill never told us this before. But let`s not forget one important

thing:today Gill did open up, he did trust us. ” As he spoke, he glanced,

only for a moment, at Philip, hoping that Philip would learn something

about therapy from this transaction. Then to Gill: «What I`m wondering

about iswhat made it possible for you to take this kind of chance today? ”

Gill, too ashamed to face the others, concentrated his attention on

Julius and replied in a chastened tone. «I guess it was the risky revealing

in the last couple of meetings—beginning with Pam and Philip and then

Rebecca and Stuart—I`m pretty sure that was why I could say—”

«How long?» interrupted Rebecca. «How long have you been an

alcoholic?»

«Creeps up on you, you know, so I`m not sure. I always liked the

booze, but I guess I started meeting all the criteria about five years ago.»

«You`re what kind of an alcoholic?» asked Tony.

«My favorite poison is Scotch, cabernet, and black Russians. But I

don`t turn down anything—vodka, gin—totally ambidextrous.»

«What I meant was ‘when` and ‘how much,`” said Tony.

Gill showed no defensiveness and seemed prepared to answer any

question. «Mostly after hours. I start with Scotches as soon as I get home

(or before I get home if Rose is giving me a hard time), and then I work

my way through good wine the rest of the evening—at least a bottle,

sometimes two, until I pass out in front of the TV.»

«Where`s Rose on this?» asked Pam.

«Well, we used to be big wine buffs together, built a two–thousand–bottle cellar, went to auctions. But she`s not encouraging my drinking

now—now she rarely has a glass at dinner and wants no part of any wine–related activities, except for some of her big social wine–tasting events.»

Julius tried again to buck the current and bring the group back to the

here–and–now. «I`m trying to imagine how you must have felt coming to

meeting after meeting here andnot talking about this.»

«It wasn`t easy,” Gill admitted, shaking his head.

Julius always taught students the difference betweenvertical

andhorizontal self–disclosure. The group was pressing, as expected,

forvertical disclosure—details about the past, including such queries as the

scope and duration of his drinking—whereashorizontal disclosure, that

is,disclosure about the disclosure, was always far more productive.

This meeting was vintage stuff for teaching, Julius mused, and he

reminded himself to remember the sequence of events for future lectures

and writing. And then, with a thud, he recalled that the future had no

relevance for him. Though the poisonous black wart had been carved out

of his shoulder, he knew that somewhere in his body lethal colonies of

melanoma remained, voracious cells that craved life more than his own

fatigued cells. They were there, pulsating, gulping oxygen and nutrients,

growing and gathering strength. And his dark thoughts were always there

also, percolating under the membrane of consciousness. Thank God for his

one method of stilling his terror: entering into life as forcefully as

possible. The extraordinarily intense life being lived in this group was

very good medicine for him.

He pressed Gill, «Say more about what passed through your mind

during all those months of group meetings.»

«What do you mean?» said Gill.

«Well, you said, ‘It wasn`t easy.` Say more about that, about those

meetings and why it wasn`t easy.»

«I`d come here all primed but never could unload; something

always stopped me.»

«Dig into that—thesomething that stopped you.» Julius rarely was

so directive in the group, but he was convinced that he knew how to move

the discussion in a beneficial direction that the group might not take on its

own.

«I like this group,” Gill said. «These are the most important people

in my life. I`ve never been a real member of anything before. I was afraid

I`d lose my place, lose any credibility—exactly like what`s happening

now. Right now. People hate drunks...the group will want to boot me

out...you`ll tell me to go to AA. The group will judge me, not help me.»

That was exactly the cue Julius had been waiting for. He moved

quickly.

«Gill, look around the room—tell me, who are the judges here?»

«Everyone`s a judge.»

«All identically? I doubt it. Try to discriminate. Look around the

group. Who are the main judges?»

Gill kept his gaze on Julius. «Well, Tony can come down on you

pretty hard, but no, not on this—he likes his booze, too. That what you

want?»

Julius nodded encouragement.

«Bonnie?» Gill continued to speak directly to Julius. «No, she`s no

judge—except of herself and, once in a while, of Rebecca—she`s always

gentle with me. Stuart, well, he`s one of the judges; he definitely has a

self–righteous streak. Pretty goody–goody sometimes. And Rebecca, for

sure—I hear a lot of directives: be like me, be sure, be thorough, be

dressed right, be washed, be neat. That why I felt released when Rebecca

and Stuart showed so much vulnerability: that made it possible for me to

open up. And Pam—she`sthe judge. Chief justice. No doubt about it. I

know she thinks I`m weak, unfair to Rose, you name it, everything about

me is wrong. I don`t have much hope of pleasing her—in fact, I don`t

haveany hope.» He halted. «Guess that`s it,” he said, scanning the group.

«Oh yes, Philip.» He spoke to Philip directly, unlike the other members.

«Let`s see...I don`t think of you judging me, but I`m not sure if that`s

entirely a compliment. It`s more that you wouldn`t get close enough or

involved enough with me even to bother judging me.»