Ирвин Ялом - The Schopenhauer Cure

flaunting of the rules. But just now you went over the top; that stunt of pulling out

your money was offensive.»

Before Tony could reply, Stuart jumped in. «You`ve got a lot of guts,

Rebecca. I admire you. And you`ve liberated me to reveal something I`ve never

talked about—not with Julius or my previous shrink, not with anyone.» He

hesitated, looked in the eyes of each member. «Just checking out the safety factor

here. This is high–risk stuff. I feel safe with everyone here with the exception of

you, Philip, because I don`t know you well yet. I`m sure Julius has talked to you

about group confidentiality?»

Silence.

«Philip, your silence jams me up. I`m asking you something,” said Stuart,

who turned and faced Philip more directly. «What`s going on? Why don`t you

answer?»

Philip looked up. «I didn`t know an answer was required.»

«I said I was sure that Julius told you about confidentiality, and then I

raised my voice at the end of the sentence. That connotes a question—right? And

also, didn`t the context about trust signify that I needed an answer from you?»

«I understand,” said Philip. «Yes, Julius told me about confidentiality, and,

yes, I made a commitment to honor all the group basic ground rules, including

confidentiality.»

«Good,” said Stuart. «You know, Philip, I`m beginning to change my

mind—I used to think of you as arrogant, but now I`m beginning to think that

you`re just not house–broken or people–broken. And that does not require an

answer—it`s optional.»

«Hey, Stuart—good!» said Tony, smirking. «You`re showing up, man. I

like it.»

Stuart nodded. «I didn`t mean that negatively, Philip, but I`ve got a story to

tell and I need to make sure it`s entirely safe here. So,” he took a deep breath,

«let`s go. About thirteen or fourteen years ago—it was when I was just finishing

my residency and was about to enter practice—I went to a pediatrics convention

in Jamaica. The purpose of such conventions is to keep up with the latest in

medical research, but you know many physicians go for other reasons: to look for

a practice opportunity or an academic job...or just to have a good time and get

laid. I struck out on all counts, and then, to make things worse, my plane back to

Miami was late and I missed my connection to California. I had to spend the night

in the airport hotel and was in a miserable mood.»

There was rapt attention from the group members—this was a new side of

Stuart.

«I checked into the hotel around eleven–thirty at night, took the elevator up

to the seventh floor—funny how clear the details are—and was walking down a

long silent corridor to my room when suddenly a door opened and a distraught,

disheveled woman in a nightgown stepped out into the hallway—attractive, great

body, about ten or fifteen years older than me. She grabbed my arm—her breath

reeked of alcohol—and asked whether I had just seen anyone in the hall.

«вЂ˜No one, why?` I answered. Then she told me a long, rambling story about

a delivery man who had just swindled her out of six thousand dollars. I suggested

she call the front desk or the police, but she seemed strangely uninterested in

taking any action. Then she motioned me to come into her room. We talked, and I

tried to calm her about her belief—obviously a delusion—that she had been

robbed. One thing led to another, and we soon ended up in bed. I asked several

times whether she wanted me there, whether she wanted me to make love to her.

She did, and we did, and an hour or two later while she was sleeping I went to my

room, got a few hours` sleep, and caught an early morning flight. Just before I got

on the plane I made an anonymous phone call to the hotel telling them that they

had a guest in room seven–twelve who might need medical attention.»

After a few moments of silence, Stuart added, «That`s it.»

«That`sit? ” asked Tony. «A well–soused, good–looking broad invites you

into her hotel room, and you give her what she`s asking for? Man, no way I`d pass

that up.»

«No, that`s notit !» said Stuart. «Itis that I was a physician and someone

sick, someone probably with incipient or full–blown alcoholic hallucinosis,

crossed my path, and I end up screwing her. That`s a violation of the Hippocratic

oath, a grievous offense, and I`ve never forgiven myself for it. I can`t let go of

that evening—it`s seared into my mind.»

«You`re too hard on yourself, Stuart,” said Bonnie. «This woman`s lonely,

in her cups, steps out in the hallway, sees an attractive younger man, and invites

him into her bed. She got just what she wanted, maybe what she needed. Probably

you did her a world of good. She probably considers that a lucky night.»

Others—Gill, Rebecca, Pam—were poised to speak, but Stuart preempted

them: «I appreciate what you guys are saying—I can`t tell you how many times

I`ve said similar things to myself—but I`m really, truly, not asking for

reassurance. What I wanted to do is just tell you about it, take this sordid act out

of so many years of darkness and into the light—that`s enough.»

Bonnie responded, «That`s good. It`s good you told us, Stuart, but this ties

in with something we`ve talked about before: your reluctance to accept help from

us. You`re terrific about giving help, not so good at letting us help you.»

«Maybe just doctor reflexes,” replied Stuart. «I had no med school courses

on being a patient.»

«Don`t you ever get to go off duty?» asked Tony. «I think you were off duty

that night in the Miami hotel. Midnight with a tipsy, horny broad—go for it, man,

get laid, enjoy yourself.»

Stuart shook his head. «A while ago I listened to a tape of the Dalai Lama

speaking to Buddhist teachers. One of them asked him about burnout and whether

they shouldn`t have some regularly scheduled off–duty time. The Dalai Lama`s

reply was priceless: Off duty? The Buddha says, ‘Sorry, I`m off duty!` Jesus is

approached by a sufferer and replies, ‘Sorry, I`m off duty today!` The Dalai Lama

giggles all the time, but he found this particular idea absolutely hilarious and

couldn`t stop laughing.»

«I`m not buying it,” said Tony. «I think you`re using your M.D. to avoid

life.»

«What I did in that hotel was wrong. No one will ever convince me

otherwise.»

Julius said, «Fourteen years ago and you can`t let it go. What about the

repercussions of this incident?»

«You mean besides self–excoriation and disgust?» said Stuart.

Julius nodded.

«I can tell you that I`ve been a damn good doctor, that I`ve never, not for an

instant, ever again violated the ethics of my profession.»

«Stuart, I decree that you`ve paid your debt,” said Julius. «Case closed.»

«Amen,” echoed several others.

Stuart smiled and crossed himself. «This takes me back to Sunday Mass

during my childhood. I feel like I`ve just come out of the confession booth

absolved.»

«Let me tell you a story,” said Julius. «Years ago in Shanghai I visited a

deserted cathedral. I`m an atheist, but I like visiting religious places—go figure.

Well, I walked around and then sat down in the confession booth, on the priest`s

side, and found myself envying the father confessor. What power he had! I tried

to mouth the words, ‘You are forgiven, my son, my daughter.` I imagined the

supreme confidence he enjoyed because he believed himself a vessel carrying the

cargo of forgiveness straight from the man upstairs. And how puny my own

techniques seemed in comparison. But later, after leaving the church, I came out

of it by reassuring myself that at least I was living according to principles of

reason and not infantilizing my patients by representing mythology as reality.»

After a short silence, Pam said to Julius, «You know what, Julius?

Something`s changed. You`re different from the way you were before I left.

Telling stories about your life, stating opinions on religious belief, whereas you

always avoided such things in the past. I gather it`s the effect of your illness, but,

nonetheless, I like it. I really like your being more personal.»

Julius nodded. «Thanks. That silence gave me a sinking feeling that I had

offended some religious sensibilities here.»

«Not mine, Julius, if you`re worried about me,” said Stuart. «Those polls

that say that ninety percent of Americans believe in God leave me bewildered. I

left the church in my teens, and if I hadn`t then, I would leave now after what`s

come out about priests and pedophilia.»

«Nor mine,” said Philip. «You and Schopenhauer have something in

common regarding religion. He believed the church leaders exploited man`s

ineradicable need for the metaphysical and that they infantilized the public and

dwelled themselves in a state of perpetual deception by refusing to confess they

had deliberately cloaked their truths in allegory.»

Philip`s comment interested Julius, but, noticing that only a few minutes

remained, he steered the group back to process. «A lot happened today. A lot of

risks were taken. Feelings? Some of you have been very quiet—Pam? Philip?»

«It hasn`t escaped me,” Philip said quickly, «that what has been revealed

here today, what has caused so much needless torment, for me, for others, flows

from the supreme and universal power of sex, which my other therapist,

Schopenhauer, taught me is absolutely inbuilt, or, as we would say today,

hardwired into us.

«I know many of Schopenhauer`s words about this since I`ve often cited

them in lectures. Let me quote a few: ‘[Sex is] the strongest and most active of all

motives.... It is the ultimate goal of almost all human effort. It...interrupts every

hour the most serious occupations, and sometimes perplexes...the greatest human

minds.` ‘Sex does not hesitate to intrude with its trash, and to interfere with...the

investigations of the learned—`”

«Philip, this is important stuff, but, before we stop today, try to speak

aboutyour feelings rather than Schopenhauer`s,” interrupted Julius.

«I`ll try, but let me continue—just one more last sentence: ‘Every day it

destroys the most valuable relationships. Indeed it robs of all conscience those

who were previously honorable and upright.`” Philip stopped. «That`s what I

wanted to say; I`m finished.»

«Haven`t heard feelings, Philip,” said Tony, grinning at the opportunity to

confront Philip.

Philip nodded. «Just dismay about how we poor mortals, we fellow

sufferers, are such victims of biology that we fill our lives with guilt about natural

acts as Stuart and Rebecca have done. And that we all have the goal of extricating

ourselves from the thralldom of sex.»

After a few moments of the customary silence following one of Philip`s

pronouncements, Stuart turned to Pam: «I`d sure like to hear from you today.

What do you feel about what I`ve laid on the group? You were on my mind when

I thought about confessing here. I`ve been thinking that I`ve put you in a tough

place because in a way you can`t forgive me without also forgiving Philip.»