Ирвин Ялом - The Schopenhauer Cure

«An experiment? Fair enough. If Iwere to have had feelings, I would have

felt frightened by the ferocity of Pam`s interruption. I am not unaware that she

wishes to do me grievous harm.»

Pam started to interject, but Julius immediately signaled her to be silent and

allow Philip to continue.

«Then Bonnie inquired about the point of my bragging, and then Gill and

Stuart asked about why I was attempting to immolate myself.»

«Immo what?» asked Tony.

Pam opened her mouth to respond, but Philip instantaneously said,

«Immolate—to sacrifice oneself by fire.»

«Okay, you`re partway there,” Julius persisted. «You`ve accurately

described what happened—what Bonnie, Gill, and Stuart said. Now try to

continue with the experiment—if you were going to have feelings about their

comments.»

«Right, I`ve gotten off track. No doubt you would conclude my

unconscious is making an appearance.»

Julius nodded. «Go on, Philip.»

«I would feel entirely misunderstood. I would say to Pam, ‘I wasn`t trying

to make it okay.` To Bonnie, I`d say, ‘Bragging was the last thing in my mind.`

To Gill and Stuart, I`d say, ‘Thank you for the warning, but I was not attempting

to injure myself.`”

«Okay, now we know what youweren`t doing. So tell us what youwere

doing? I`m bewildered,” said Bonnie.

«I was simply setting the record straight. Following the dictates of reason.

Nothing less, nothing more.»

The group lapsed into that state of mind that always ensued from an

interaction with Philip. He was so rational, so imperially above the strife of

everyday discourse. Everyone looked down, bewildered, disoriented. Tony shook

his head.

«I comprehend every point you made,” said Julius, «except the last one—

that last phrase—‘nothing less, nothing more.` That I cannot buy. Why volunteer

that particular aspect of the truthnow, today, at this juncture, in your relationship

with us? You were eager to do it. You couldn`t wait. I could feel your pressure to

get it out. Despite the obvious negative consequences pointed out by the group,

you were determined to jump in immediately today. Let`s try to figure out why.

What was the payoff for you?»

«That`s not hard,” responded Philip. «I know exactly why I said it.»

Silence. Everyone waited.

«I`m getting pissed,” said Tony. «Philip, you`ve got us hanging; you do this

all the time. Do we have to beg you for the next sentence?»

«Sorry?» asked Philip, his face in a puzzled scrunch.

«You`ve got us all waiting to hear why you said it,” said Bonnie. «Are you

being deliberately inscrutable here?»

«Perhaps you think we don`t want to know, that we have no curiosity about

what you`re going to say,” suggested Rebecca.

«It`s none of these,” said Philip. «It`s got nothing to do with you. It just

happens that my focus fades and I turn inward.»

«This sounds important,” said Julius. «I think there`s a reason for that—and

it involves your interactions with the group. If you truly believe that your

behavior is capricious, something like rain that just happens, then you`re

assuming a helpless stance. There is a reason you periodically avoid us and turn

inward: I think it`s because some anxiety has welled up in you. In this instance

your loss of focus had to do with how you opened the meeting. Can you pursue

that?»

Philip was silent, pondering Julius`s words.

Julius had his ways of ratcheting up the pressure when treating other

therapists: «Another thing, Philip, if you`re going to be seeing clients or leading a

group in the future, losing focus and turning inward is going to be a real liability

in your work.»

That did the trick. Philip immediately said, «I chose to reveal what I did for

self–protection. Pam knew everything about the list, and I was uncomfortable

about her being able to drop that bomb at any time. Revealing it myself was the

lesser of two evils.» Philip hesitated, inhaled, then continued: «There`s more to

say. I still haven`t addressed Bonnie`s accusation of bragging. I kept that list

because I had been extremely sexually active that year. My three–week

relationship with Pam`s friend Molly was unusual; I preferred one–night stands,

though I occasionally went back for seconds when I felt particularly sexually

pressured and couldn`t meet someone new. When I saw the same woman a second

time, I needed the notes to refresh my memory and make the woman feel I

remembered her. If she knew the truth—that she was just one of many—I might

not succeed. No braggadoccio whatsoever in these notes. They were meant for my

private use only. Molly had the key to my apartment, invaded my privacy, forced

open a locked desk drawer, and stole the list.»

«You telling us,” asked Tony, wide–eyed, «you had sex with so many

women you had to keep notes so you wouldn`t mix them up? I mean, what are we

talking about here? How many? How`d you pull this off?»

Julius groaned to himself. Things were complicated enough already without

Tony`s envy–laced question. The tension between Pam and Philip was already

unbearably high. It needed defusing, but Julius wasn`t sure how to do it.

Unexpected help arrived from Rebecca, who suddenly altered the entire course of

the meeting.

«I`m sorry to interrupt, but I need some time in the group today,” she said.

«I`ve been thinking all week about revealing something I`ve never told anyone,

not even you, Julius. This is, I think, my darkest secret.» Rebecca paused, looked

around the group. All eyes were on her. «This okay?»

Julius turned to Pam and Philip. «How about you two? Are we leaving you

with too many strong feelings?»

«Okay with me,” said Pam. «I need some time out.»

«And you, Philip?»

Philip nodded.

«More than okay with me,” said Julius, «unless you want to mention first

about why you`ve decided to reveal this today.»

«No, it`s better for me to plunge in while I still have the courage. Here

goes: About fifteen years ago, about two weeks before my wedding, my company

sent me to the Las Vegas computer expo to do a presentation on their new

product. I had already handed in my resignation, and this presentation was to be

my last assignment—I was thinking then that perhaps it might be the last one in

my life. I was already two months pregnant, and Jack and I had planned a month–long honeymoon and then I was to turn to house and baby. This was long before

law school—I had no idea whether I`d ever work again.

«Well, I fell into in a strange mood in Vegas. One evening, to my surprise, I

found myself in the bar of Caesar`s Palace. I ordered a drink and soon fell into an

intimate conversation with a well–dressed man. He asked if I was a working girl. I

was unfamiliar with that phrase and nodded yes. Before I could say more about

my job he asked me my fee. I gulped, looked him over—he was cute—and said,

‘One hundred fifty dollars.` He nodded and up we went to his room. And then the

next night I moved to the Tropicana and did it again. Same fee. And my last night

there I did a freebie.»

Rebecca took a deep breath, exhaled loudly. «And that`s it. I`ve never told

anyone about this. Sometimes I`ve considered telling Jack but never did. What

would have been the point? Nothing but grief for him and precious little

absolution for me.... And...Tony, you bastard...goddammit, that`s not funny!»

Tony, who had taken his wallet out and was counting his money, stopped in

his tracks and, with a sheepish smile, said, «Just wanted to lighten things up.»

«I don`t want it to be made light of. This is heavy stuff for me.» Rebecca

flashed one of her remarkable smiles, which she could conjure up at will. «There

it is—true confessions.» She turned to Stuart, who on more than one occasion had

referred to her as a porcelain doll. «So, what doyou think? Maybe Rebecca`s not

the dainty doll she appears to be.»

Stuart said, «I wasn`t thinking that. You know where I went as you spoke? I

flashed on a movie I rented a few nights ago—The Green Mile.There was an

unforgettable scene of a condemned prisoner eating his last meal. Sounds to me

that in Las Vegas you treated yourself to one last piece of freedom before

marriage.»

Julius nodded and said, «I agree. Sounds much like something you and I

talked about a long time ago, Rebecca.» To the group Julius explained, «Several

years ago Rebecca and I worked together for about a year when she was wrestling

with the decision of getting married.» Turning back to Rebecca, he said, «I

remember we spent weeks talking about your fears of giving up your freedom,

your sense of your possibilities closing. Like Stuart, I think that those were the

concerns that got played out in Las Vegas.»

«One thing sticks out in my mind from those hours together, Julius. I

remember your telling me about a novel where someone seeks a wise man who

tells him thatalternatives exclude, that for everyyes there has to be ano.»

«Hey, I know that book—John Gardner`sGrendel ,” interrupted Pam. «It

was Grendel, the demon, who sought out the wise man.»

«Endless interconnections here,” said Julius. «Pam first introduced me to

that novel when I was seeing her for a few months about the same time. So,

Rebecca, if that comment was helpful, you owe thanks to Pam.»

Rebecca, flashed Pam a big thank–you smile. «You were giving me indirect

therapy. I pasted a note with that phrase on my mirror:Alternatives exclude. It

explained my block in saying yes to Jack even though I believed he was the right

man.» Then, to Julius: «I remember your saying that to grow old gracefully I had

to accept the limiting of possibilities.»

«Long before Gardner,” Philip interjected, «Heidegger,” he turned to Tony,

«an important German philosopher in the first half of last century...”

«An important Nazi, too,” Pam interjected.

Philip ignored Pam`s comment. «Heidegger spoke of confronting the

limiting of possibility. In fact he linked it to the fear of death. Death, he

suggested, was theimpossibility of further possibility. ”

«Death as theimpossibility of further possibility,” Julius repeated, «a

powerful thought. Maybe I`ll pastethat onmy mirror. Thanks, Philip. There`re so

many things to look at here, including your feelings, Pam, but first, one more

comment to you, Rebecca. This episode in Las Vegas must have happened while

you and I were meeting, and you never mentioned it to me. That tells me how

much shame you must have felt.»

Rebecca nodded. «Yep, I decided to deep–six the whole episode.» After

pausing and considering whether to say anything else, she added, «There`s more,

Julius. I was ashamed, but even more...this feels risky...I felt even more shame

when I fantasized about it afterward: it was a fantastic high—not a sexual high, no

that`s not right, notjust a sexual high, but the excitement of being outside the law,

of being primitive. And you know,” Rebecca turned toward Tony, «that`s always

been part of my attraction to you, Tony—your jail time, your bar fights, your