Ирвин Ялом - The Schopenhauer Cure

he was forty–three and attempted to court Flora Weiss, a beautiful seventeen–year–old girl. One evening at a boating party he approached Flora with a bunch of

grapes and informed her of his attraction to her and his intention of speaking to

her parents about marriage. Later, Flora`s father was taken aback by

Schopenhauer`s proposal and responded, «But she is a mere child.» Ultimately, he

agreed to leave the decision to Flora. The business came to an end when Flora

made it clear to all concerned that she vehemently disliked Schopenhauer.

Decades later, Flora Weiss`s niece questioned her aunt about that encounter

with the famous philosopher and, in her diary, quoted her aunt as saying, «Oh,

leave me in peace about this old Schopenhauer.» When pressed for more

information, Flora Weiss described Arthur`s gift of the grapes and said, «But I

didn`t want them, you see. I felt revolted because old Schopenhauer had touched

them. And so I let them slide, quite gently, into the water behind me.»

There is no evidence that Arthur ever had a love affair with a woman whom

he respected. His sister, Adele, after receiving a letter in which Arthur reported

«two love affairs without love,” responded, in one of their few interchanges about

his personal life, «May you not totally lose the ability to esteem a woman while

dealing with the common and base ones of our sex and may Heaven one day lead

you to a woman to whom you can feel something deeper than these infatuations.»

At thirty–three Arthur entered into an intermittent ten–year liaison with a

young Berlin chorus girl named Caroline Richter–Medon, who often carried on

affairs with several men simultaneously. Arthur had no objections to that

arrangement and said, «For a woman, limitation to one man during the short time

of her flowering is an unnatural state. She is expected to save for one what he

cannot use and what many others desire from her.» He was opposed to monogamy

for men as well: «Man at one time has too much and in the long run too little....

half their lives men are whoremongers, half cuckolds.»

When Arthur moved from Berlin to Frankfurt, he offered to take Caroline

with him but not her illegitimate son, whom he insisted was not his. Caroline

refused to abandon her child, and after a short correspondence their relationship

ended for good. Even so, Arthur, almost thirty years later, at the age of seventy–one, added a codicil to his will leaving Caroline Richter–Medon five thousand

talers.

Though he often scorned women and the entire institution of matrimony,

Arthur vacillated about marriage. He cautioned himself by reflecting, «All great

poets were unhappily married and all great philosophers stayed unmarried:

Democritus, Descartes, Plato, Spinoza, Leibniz, and Kant. The only exception

was Socrates—and he had to pay for it, for his wife was the shrewish

Xanthippe.... most men are tempted by the outward appearance of women, that

hides their vices. They marry young and pay a high price when they get older for

their wives become hysterical and stubborn.»

As he aged he gradually relinquished the hope of marriage and gave up the

idea completely at the age of forty. To marry at a late age, he said, was

comparable to a man traveling three–fourths of the journey by foot and then

deciding to buy the costly ticket for the whole journey.

All of life`s most fundamental issues come under Schopenhauer`s bold

philosophical scrutiny, and sexual passion, a topic avoided by his philosophic

predecessors, was no exception.

He launched this discussion with an extraordinary statement about the

power and omnipresence of the sexual drive.

Next to the love of life it [sex] shows itself here as the strongest and most

active of all motives, and incessantly lays claim to half the powers and

thoughts of the younger portion of mankind. It is the ultimate goal of almost

all human effort. It has an unfavorable influence on the most important affairs,

interrupts every hour the most serious occupations, and sometimes perplexes

for a while the greatest human minds.... Sex is really the invisible point of all

action and conduct, and peeps up everywhere in spite of all the veils thrown

over it. It is the cause of war and the aim and object of peace,...the

inexhaustible source of wit, the key to all allusions, and the meaning of all

mysterious hints, of all unspoken offers and all stolen glances; it is the

meditation of the young and often the old as well, the hourly thought of the

unchaste and, even against their will, the constantly recurring imagination of

the chaste.

The ultimate goal of almost all human effort? The invisible point of all

action and conduct? The cause of war and the aim and object of peace? Why so

overstated? How much does he draw from his own personal sexual

preoccupation? Or is his hyperbole simply a device to rivet the reader`s attention

on what is to follow?

If we consider all this, we are induced to exclaim: why all the noise and fuss?

Why all the urgency, uproar, anguish and exertion? It is merely a question of

every Jack finding his Jill. Why should such a trifle play such an important

role, and constantly introduce disturbance and confusion in the life of man?

Arthur`s answer to his question anticipates by 150 years much of what is to

follow in the fields of evolutionary psychology and psychoanalysis. He states that

what is really guiding us is notour need butthe need of our species. «The true end

of the whole love story, though the parties concerned are unaware of it, is that a

particular child may be begotten,” he continues. «Therefore what here guides man

is really an instinct directed to what is best in the species, whereas man himself

imagines he is seeking merely a heightening of his own pleasure.»

He discusses in great detail the principles governing the choice of sexual

partner («everyone loves what they lack») but repeatedly emphasizes that the

choice is actually being made by the genius of the species. «The man is taken

possession of by the spirit of the species, is now ruled by it, and no longer belongs

to himself...for ultimately he seeks not his interests but that of a third person who

has yet to come into existence.»

Repeatedly, he emphasizes that the force of sex is irresistible. «For he is

under the influence of an impulse akin to the instinct of insects, which compels

him to pursue his purposes unconditionally, in spite of all the arguments of his

faculty of reason.... He cannot give it up.» And reason has little to do with it.

Often the individual desires someone whom reason tells him to avoid, but the

voice of reason is impotent against the force of sexual passion. He cites the Latin

dramatist Terence: «What is not endowed with reason cannot possibly be ruled

with reason.»

It has often been noted that three major revolutions in thought have

threatened the idea of human centrality. First, Copernicus demonstrated that Earth

was not the center about which all celestial bodies revolved. Next, Darwin

showed us that we were not central in the chain of life but, like all other creatures,

had evolved from other life–forms. Third, Freud demonstrated that we are not

masters in our own house—that much of our behavior is governed by forces

outside of our consciousness. There is no doubt that Freud`s unacknowledged co–revolutionary was Arthur Schopenhauer, who, long before Freud`s birth, had

posited that we are governed by deep biological forces and then delude ourselves

into thinking that we consciously choose our activities.

_________________________

IfI maintain silence

about my secret it is my

prisoner; if I let it

slip from my tongue, I am

its prisoner. On the tree

of silence hang the

fruits of peace.

_________________________

Bonnie`s concern about the group proved unfounded: at the next meeting

everyone was not only present but early—except for Philip, who strode in briskly

and took his seat at exactly four–thirty.

A short silence at the beginning of a group therapy session is not unusual.

Members learn quickly not to open the meeting capriciously because the first

speaker is generally fated to receive much time and attention. But Philip,

graceless as ever, did not wait. Avoiding eye contact, he began speaking in his

unemotional, disembodied voice.

«The account given by our returning member last week—”

«Name of Pam,” interrupted Tony.

Philip nodded without looking up. «Pam`s description of my list was

incomplete. It was more than a simple list of the women with whom I had sex that

month; it contained not only names but phone numbers—”

Pam interrupted, «Oh. Phone numbers! Oh, well then, excuse me—that

makes it all okay!»

Undeterred, Philip continued, «The list also contained a brief description of

the lovemaking preferences of each woman.»

«Lovemaking preferences?» asked Tony.

«Yes, what each woman preferred in the sexual act. Such as, likes it from

the rear...sixty–nine...long foreplay required...begin with lengthy back

massage...massage oil...gets off on spanking...breast sucking...likes

handcuffs...tied to bedposts a big turn–on.»

Julius winced. Good God! Where was Philip going—was he heading in the

direction of revealing Pam`s preferences? Big trouble ahead.

Before he could head Philip off, Pam shot out, «You are truly disgusting.

Repulsive.» Pam leaned forward as if preparing to rise from her chair and leave.

Bonnie put her hand on Pam`s arm to detain her and said to Philip, «I`m

with Pam on this one. Philip, are you crazy? Why on earth would you brag about

those things?»

«Yeah,” said Gill, «I just don`t get you. Look, here you are under blistering

attack—I mean I`m wincing for you, man. I could not face what you`re facing.

But what do you do? You throw gasoline on the fire and you say,‘Burn me some

more.` No offense, Philip, but, shit, how can you do that?»

«Yeah, that`s what I see too,” said Stuart. «If I were in your situation, I`d

want to put myself in the best possible light—not give the enemy more

ammunition.»

Julius tried to soothe the waters. «Philip, what have you been feeling the

last few minutes?»

«Well, I had something important to say about that list and I said it—so

naturally I feel entirely satisfied with the course of events.»

Julius persevered. In his most gentle voice, he said, «Several people

responded to you, Philip. What are you feeling about that?»

«That`s where I don`t go, Julius. That way lies despair. Better, far better,

for me to keep my own counsel.»

Julius pulled out another device from his grab bag—that venerable but

reliable strategy of conditional voice. «Philip, try a thought experiment.

Philosophers do that everyday. I understand your wish to retain your equanimity,

but humor me for a moment and try to imagine thatyou were going to have

feelings about others` responses today. What might they be? ”

Philip considered Julius`s question, smiled slightly, and nodded his head,

perhaps as a token of admiration for the ingenuity of Julius`s ploy.