Steve Andreas - Help with Negative Self–talk Volume I

"Then I told him, 'Now you and your Mommy and Daddy go home and enjoy being part of a loving family.' " At that, I ended the session.

Julie called the following week to report Tommy had stopped banging his head.

Ron Soderquist, http://www.westlakehypnosis.com/

Like the previous example of the man with a critical attitude, Tommy's voice apparently had no positive function in the present. Some of the things that we learn are pretty much random. Tommy may have heard something like his voice at school, or on the playground — kids can sometimes be even more cruel and unthinking than adults. Somehow it stuck with him as something very important. All he needed was some skillful instruction in how to think differently. In this case, the instruction was embedded in a story about a squirrel.

I'd like to point out the importance of telling Tommy to look at his belly button. If Ron had instead said something like, "Everyone makes mistakes," it wouldn't have had nearly as much impact, because it would be too abstract and general. It might not necessarily apply to Tommy, and he might not remember it at the appropriate times. Having him look at his belly button provides a specific visual cue that both triggers the thought, and also applies it to him specifically. Every time Tommy looks at his belly button — or imagines seeing his bellybutton — he will think of the instruction, "It's OK. Everyone who has a belly button makes mistakes."

Another way of thinking about what Ron did with Tommy is that he taught him a way to be more self–accepting. Making mistakes is something that everyone does. Recognizing that something is a normal thing to do is a process that is often called "normalization." Let's explore self–acceptance in more detail.

Whenever someone doesn't like something about themselves, they are likely to criticize and reject themselves, which is the opposite of self–acceptance. Then if they learn about affirmations, they may try saying something like, "I deeply and completely accept myself." That sets up a direct conflict between the self–rejection and the self–acceptance, as I have discussed earlier.

However, there is a way to talk to yourself in an accepting way that doesn't conflict with any self–rejection that you already experience, and I'd like you to discover what that is like. First think of something that you don't like about yourself — your weight, your getting angry, not speaking up for yourself, dark moods, or whatever it might be… .

Then listen to what you say to yourself when you do this. "You're a fat lazy pig," "I get angry all the time," "You're a wimp," "I'm no fun to be around," or something like that… .

Now try saying to yourself, "I deeply and completely accept myself," and notice what you experience in response to that… .

There are a variety of ways to respond to this, but what they have in common is some kind of weakening of the self–affirmation, because of the conflict between the two sentences.

Now try putting your two sentences together in the following sentence:

"Even though I (am a fat lazy pig, get angry, am a wimp, have dark moods, etc.) I deeply and completely accept myself"

Say that sentence several times, and notice how you feel in response, and how that is different from what you experienced when the two sentences were separated… .

The words "even though" have a very interesting way of joining what seem to be opposite or contradictory experiences. After all, "not liking something about myself," is certainly the opposite of "deeply and completely accepting myself." "Even though" completely accepts your not liking something and joins it with deep and complete self–acceptance. It states the opposites in a way that they don't conflict with each other.

This exact sentence "Even though I (critical self–evaluation) I deeply and completely accept myself" is widely used in a method called "Emotional Freedom Technique" (EFT) (14) and also appears less prominently in other approaches. However, "even though" can be used in many other ways to join apparent opposites.

"Even though I have failed repeatedly, I can learn to succeed."

"Even though I don't like healthy food, I can lose weight."

"Even though I'm lazy, I can satisfy my boss."

The general pattern is the following:

"Even though I (statement of problem or difficulty) I (statement of a positive outcome).

Try this yourself. First think of a personal lack, or something about you that you criticize, and then think of a future goal or outcome — to be happier, calmer, smarter, more perceptive, etc. and link them together using the sentence above, and notice how you experience that… .

There is another value in doing this that may not be immediately apparent. When people criticize themselves, they often use sentences to link their problem or lack to a future failure or inability:

"I have failed repeatedly, so I can't succeed."

"I don't like healthy food, so I can't lose weight."

"I'm lazy, so I can't satisfy my boss."

Think of some sentence like this that you say to yourself, and then restate it in the form "Even though I (statement of problem or difficulty) I (statement of a positive outcome)" and experience what that is like… .

That kind of sentence links a problem to an outcome in a very interesting way that is the opposite of what most people usually do. It is almost as if you are saying that the problem will make it easier to reach your outcome.

"Because I have failed repeatedly, I'll be able to succeed"

"Since I don't like healthy food, I'll be able to lose weight"

"Being lazy will make it easier to satisfy my boss"

Even though those sentences may seem totally crazy to you, try saying them to yourself as if they were true, and then figure out how they actually could be true… .

Here are some possible realizations — out of many others:

"Failing repeatedly means that I know a lot about how to fail; if I just do the opposite, that should be a path to success "

"Some healthy food is fattening, so avoiding that will make it easier for me to lose weight "

"Since I'm lazy, I'm motivated to find ways to get a job done faster with less effort, and that will make my boss happy "

"When I think that a sentence is totally crazy, thinking how it could be true can sometimes result in a useful new understanding "

"Even though this may be new to you, you'll find yourself noticing when you and other people use those two words, and become more aware ofthe change in attitude and outlook that results from doing that "

Since adding in a more useful voice can be so dramatically helpful, what would happen if we added in several of them, speaking simultaneously, like a chorus? In the next chapter you will learn how to do that.

The word "perspective" may seem out of place in a book about internal voices, because that word is usually understood visually, as a way of seeing events, or a particular point ofview. The word perspective is often used in an abstract or metaphorical way, in contrast to a specific description or instruction about what to do. If you have ever had someone tell you, "I wish you could get a better perspective on this problem," you probably had no idea how to accomplish that. They provided a general outcome, but no specific way to actually achieve it.

There are many kinds of perspective, and it can help to first illustrate them in the visual system, where they are more familiar and easier to describe, before moving to the auditory system. There are many, many ways to gain perspective. 1

Fundamentally, the word perspective is used in situations in which we experience something in relation to something else, the "the appearance of things relative to one another." This is something that we do unconsciously thousands of times a day, because it is important to know how things around us are related to each other. If I want to pick up something that is lying on a table, I need to know its location in relation to me in order to do that.

In a painting, when we see similar objects (such as trees) painted in different sizes, we don't see them in isolation, we see them in relation to each other. Because of our experience of things in the real world, we perceive the smaller ones as being farther away, creating a sense of distance and depth. If a painting showed a mouse and a person the same size, since we know that a mouse is actually much smaller than a person, we would either see the mouse much closer to us to account for this, or assume that the mouse was much larger, a giant mouse.

One way to describe most problems or unhappiness is that we develop "tunnel vision," narrowly focusing in on a problem while ignoring everything else that surrounds it. Expanding our field of vision to include much more of what is happening simultaneously in the moment provides a larger context that is literally wider and broader in scope, in which we see the problem in relation to what is around it, the "big picture" that includes much more information.

For instance, if you have a plumbing problem, and you focus on that alone, it can seem overwhelming. You may even go on to other responses, like "Oh, it's not fair; these things happen at the most inconvenient times," a line of thinking that takes you into an unpleasant and unfair world of experience — and away from your problem entirely. But if you expand your focus to include all the other aspects of your home that are functioning well to keep you warm and safe, or think about what it would be like to have no plumbing at all, you can put the plumbing problem "in perspective" by relating it to other things or events.

Within a larger context, the problem typically appears much smaller and easier to solve. The additional information included in the big picture may even provide a basis for a solution that wasn't available when focusing exclusively on the problem. If you have ever had a bad leak in a pipe and tried to stop it, expanding your scope to include the main shutoff valve helps tremendously.

Years ago I had a friend who often focused very narrowly. Once we were working together on a truck, putting on a radiator hose. He was busily tightening the metal clamp with a screwdriver, and he was puzzled because the hose was still loose, even after he had been tightening it for some time. Finally the hose started folding and crumpling, and he realized that it had slipped off the metal tube at the back of the radiator. He was so focused on the hose and the clamp that he didn't notice something only a few inches away. On another occasion, he was using a pocketknife to cut a string that bound together a bunch of fruit trees that we were going to plant. He was oblivious to the fact that he was holding the bundle of trees with his left hand; as soon as the knife cut through the string, it would go right into his left hand!

When a doctor has to tell someone bad news about a serious illness, they typically only talk about the problem, and what needs to be done. The person receiving the bad news will usually think of the illness in isolation, and may become very upset. The resulting stress doesn't help them make difficult decisions about treatment alternatives, and also doesn't help them heal.