Steve Andreas - Help with Negative Self–talk Volume I

Now we can begin to use some of these methods in combination to make a useful change. For instance, once you have reduced the volume of a troublesome voice, you can then replace it with a more resourceful and supportive voice without creating significant conflict. The following example is from Ron Soderquist, an NLP–trained hypnotherapist in the Los Angeles area:

A middle–aged woman called to say she wanted her husband to come in for hypnosis to change his attitude. "I am sick and tired of his negative attitude." I was amused, and asked her to have him call me. She was right. When Bill came in for an appointment he said, "I grew up in a very negative, unhappy family. There were no 'Atta boys' in our family; there was only criticism. They were unhappy with their marriage, and it was a rare day when Dad or Mom laughed or showed happiness." He went on, "My wife complains that I come home from work grumbling and complaining. She says I'm just like my parents, and she's probably right, but I can't seem to help myself. I don't see how you can help me change. I don't like being so angry with the kids, and I don't like having an unhappy wife. If you can help me change, great."

After some questioning, Bill identified his parents' negative voices in his head. I asked if he could imagine a room in his head with the voices coming from a radio or some device over by the wall. He was able to imagine a radio. Then I wondered whether he would like to go over and turn down the volume, or perhaps put a pillow in front of the radio to muffle the sound. As he did this, he gave a big sigh, and visibly relaxed. "What's going on?" I asked.

"My head is quiet for the first time ever," Bill said. I told him, "Since it's your head, you can put in anything you want. For example, because you are thankful for your family and your health, you can fill that room with your own thankful voice, if you wish." To his surprise Bill discovered he could do that quite easily. We rehearsed him in reviewing his thankful thoughts while driving home from work, so that he could greet his wife and children with joyful energy. After some rehearsal, he felt confident he had installed new voices in his head. Bill's wife called later to report she was enjoying a new, positive Bill; he had changed his attitude.

Ron Soderquist, http://www.westlakehypnosis.com/

I think it is pretty amazing that you can change a pervasive, life–long negative attitude in a few minutes, just by changing an internal voice — without extensive therapeutic time–traveling back to the traumatic origin of his voices.

However, I want you to think about what would have happened if Bill hadn't reduced the volume of his negative self–talk before adding in a resourceful and supportive voice. If there were two loud voices in his head, they would conflict with each other, setting up an internal battle. Most people have enough conflict in their lives already; they don't need more of it.

Many people seek help because they already have chronic unpleasant internal conflicts like this. A common troubling conflict is between some version of "Be sure to do what others approve of," and "No, be independent and think for yourself." A conflict like this often puts you "between a rock and a hard place," because whatever you decide to do, afterwards the other side will torment you. "You just went along with the crowd again, you wimp," or "You sure 'blew it' with the guests by telling that racy joke."

Another common conflict is between indulging in a present pleasure on one hand, and its future consequences on the other. One voice may say something like, "Go ahead and treat yourself by eating that dessert; you deserve it," while another warns, "If you eat that, you'll get fat, and no one will want to be around you." Whether or not you eat the dessert, the other side will badger you with the consequences later. "You denied yourself a simple pleasure that would have made you feel really good," or "Now you've done it; you'll have to watch what you eat all next week in order to lose the calories in that cheesecake."

However, a number of well–respected therapies — and most books about negative self–talk — strongly advocate talking back to a critical internal voice as a way to lessen its influence. For instance, David Burns is a student of Aaron Beck, who is sometimes described as the "father" of Cognitive Therapy or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (11). CBT has even deeper roots in the work of Albert Ellis, whose work was originally called Rational Therapy, later Rational Emotive Therapy, and finally Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (16) as it evolved over the years. As early as the 1950s — half a century ago! — Ellis advocated actively verbally challenging a client's self–defeating beliefs and behaviors by demonstrating the irrationality, self–defeatism and rigidity of their negative self–talk. Burns is one of many Cognitive Therapists who advocate countering a troublesome voice:

"Talk back to that internal critic! …

a) Train yourself to recognize and write down the self–critical thoughts as they go through your mind;

b) Learn why these thoughts are distorted; and

c) Practice talking back to them so as to develop a more realistic self–evaluation system." (12, p. 62)

In this process the client is taught how to notice the content of automatic thoughts, identify the kind of distortion, and then generate a rational response. For instance, if the automatic thought is "I never do anything right," the distortion is overgeneralization, and a rational response is, "Nonsense, I do a lot of things right."

"This shows what a jerk I am" is an example of the distortion called labeling, and a rational response is, "Come on, now, I'm not 'a jerk.' " These rational responses disagree with and oppose the troublesome voice. Other people don't like to be disagreed with, and internal voices are no different; they are likely to become defensive and redouble their efforts to convince you of what they are saying.

Burns developed this method while working with seriously depressed patients who were often suicidal, having given up all hope of having a normal satisfying life. The main symptoms of depression are feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and worthlessness. Most—if not all—of depression is in response to internal voices that criticize, berate, and torment. In this context, rallying the patient to oppose their internal voices can be a huge step forward, and research does indicate that CBT gets results with depression that are superior to antidepressant medication and most other therapies.

Since then, Burns has applied the same method to quite a variety of other problems that result from troublesome internal voices, including anger, guilt, addiction to love and approval, and perfectionism. If someone who is suffering from one of these problems feels completely defeated, then mobilizing a rational response to it can be a very useful first step.

Although a battle between two voices might be somewhat better than only being a slave to a troublesome voice, it is still an inelegant solution that leaves the person split between the two. It is much better to reduce the impact of the troublesome voice before adding in a resourceful voice.

However, reducing the volume of the troublesome voice is only useful if it has no positive function or intent in the present. There is at least a possibility that a troublesome voice might have some useful information for you. Often an internal voice wants to protect you from some kind of problem or danger, even if this is hidden inside insults and criticism. It could be warning of an actual physical danger, "If you did that, you could get seriously hurt." Or it might caution you against being disappointed, embarrassed, or criticized by others — dangers to your status, or your idea of who you are. "Don't make a fool of yourself at the party tonight."

Often a voice once had a useful function in a past context, but it is now outdated and irrelevant. For instance, a voice may have once warned you not to anger Dad; now that Dad has been dead for years, it is no longer serves a useful function, so it can be safely reduced in volume. But at other times a voice wants you to notice a mistake, so that you can improve what you do. "Boy, you really screwed up that interview!" What a voice says may be unpleasant, and may even be counterproductive, but it usually has the positive intent of making your life better in some way.

If you just reduced the volume of this voice, you would also lose its useful positive intent — "throwing out the baby with the bathwater." Many people desperately need some kind of warning voice, because they keep making the same mistakes over and over without noticing. Losing a protective voice can have much more unpleasant consequences than hearing an unpleasant internal voice and feeling bad.

Bill's voice was apparently simply a result of his history with his critical and unhappy parents. Since it had no useful function in the present, its volume could be reduced without losing anything. When a voice still has a positive function, simply reducing the volume won't work well, and the voice is likely to stay loud or return. Although reducing the volume of a troublesome voice reduces potential conflict, it doesn't eliminate it altogether, so even this solution is not as elegant as it could be, and we will explore other better alternatives in following chapters.

Here is another nice example of adding a more resourceful voice to a troubling one, again from Ron Soderquist.

Tommy Bangs his Head

The mother, Julie, called me and related: "Our Tommy is five years old and we are worried about him."

"What does he do that worries you?"

"Whenever he spills milk at the table or makes any mistake, he gets out of his chair and bangs his head against the wall while saying, 'You are stupid. You are dumb.' " I invited them to come in as a family.

It appeared that the parents were a normal couple. There were no "red flags" in their relationship with Tommy. Nor was there anything of note in Tommy's body language. Julie reported that her son enjoyed kindergarten and played well with friends. He had no other strange behaviors. However, Tommy would bang his head a few times a week on average. This behavior had been going on for at least several months.

I first considered recommending testing for autism. But in my experience, behaviors can often be addressed by simple, self–hypnotic suggestions. I looked directly into Tommy's eyes, and began telling a story… .

"Once upon a time there was a little boy squirrel named Timmy who felt bad because he couldn't do anything right." Tommy nodded his head. "When Timmy climbed trees with his friends he would slip and fall down." Tommy nodded his head again. "When Timmy hid nuts he would forget where he hid them. He felt dumb." Tommy nodded his head again. I embellished the story in great detail so Tommy would fully identify with Timmy the squirrel.

"Timmy the squirrel's parents finally bring their little boy to visit the Wise Old Owl who lives in the big oak tree. Because owls have wonderful eyesight he saw them coming from afar, and said, 'I see you are a squirrel family, how can I help you?' Mommy and Daddy told the owl that Timmy banged his head against trees and called himself names when he made a mistake.

"The Wise Old Owl thought for a moment, and then he looked right at little Timmy and said, 'Little Timmy the Squirrel, do you have a belly button? Let me see your belly button.' At this command, Tommy pulled up his shirt and looked at his belly button.

"The Wise Old Owl continued, 'Little Timmy, take a good look at your belly button, because everyone who has a belly button make mistakes. From now on, whenever you make a mistake, just look at your belly button and say, 'It's OK. Everyone who has a belly button makes mistakes.'