Terry Brooks - A Knight of the Word

At the conclusion of his tale, he told her something he had never been able to tell anyone. He told her how dose to suicide he had been when he realized the fault might be his. He had managed to get past that, but only by determining he could never revisit that place in his mind, could never again put himself in a position where he might have to hold himself responsible for people dying.

Nest let him finish, then shook her head doubtfully. 'If you do nothing, people die anyway, John. What would have happened to me if you hadn't come to Hopewell? 'I don't know that you can say any of it is your fault'

`It feels like it is. That's enough.' He looked down at the soup cooling before him. He hadn't eaten a bite. `I don't mean to argue with you on this, but you can't know what it's like if you're not me. You don't have to live with the dreams. You don't have to live with the responsibility for what happens if they come true' He shook his head. `It's a special kind of hell'

`I know' she said. `I wouldn't even try to put myself in your shoes. I wouldn't presume'

She finished her soup. All the bad feelings she had experienced at Fresh Start had evaporated. and she found herself hungrier than expected.

'I drifted afterward, looking for something to do, some place to be, a reason for being alive' Ross began to eat a little. `Then I found Stef, and everything changed. She gave me back what I had lost at San Sobel. Or maybe last even before that. She made me feel good about something again. So here we are, working at Fresh Start with the Wizard of Oz, and doing something important. I don't want to go back to what I was. Let's face it; I can't go back. How could I? It would change everything.'

He shrugged. 'I don't know what to tell you about being in danger, Nest. I don't feel as if I'm in any danger. I'm not part of that life anymore. I don't have any connection to what I was or did. I don't even dream anymore–or hardly ever, anyway. It's all in the past'

The fish and chips arrived, and they paused while the waitress set down their plates, asked if there was anything else she could get them, and walked away. Nest picked up a piece of deep–fried halibut and bit into it. `Mmmmnm, this is wonderful,' she said.

`Told you: He picked up a piece of his own fish and began eating.

Ariel said the Lady thinks the Void will try to subvert you, whether or not you think you're still involved in its battle with the Word' Nest studied his face. `She says you can't stop being a Knight of the Word. She says you can't quit unless the Ward allows it'

He nodded soberly. 'I've heard it all before. I don't thank T believe it. What have I been doing for the past year if she's right? Haven't I quit, if I haven't served: What else do I have to do? 'Write a letter of resignation? I don't dream, I don't use the magic, I don't go out looking for demons. I'm done with all of it'

`She says you can't ever be done with it' Nest paused, moving a French fry around in a paper cup filled with ketchup. 'Here's the part that bothers me–the reason I came looking for you, I guess. She says you've had a dream, and the events of the dream will take place on Halloween. She says your involvement with the dream will place you in danger of becoming ensnared by the Void.'

She watched his reaction closely. He said nothing, but she could tell at once that he knew what she was talking about, that in fact there had been a dream, and that in some way he was a part of it.

`The Lady told Ariel something else, John. She told her she will never let that happen, she will never allow a Knight of the Word to be subverted. She has sent someone to prevent it'

A flicker of recognition crossed his lean face.

`The way you were sent to me maybe, five years ago' she finished quietly.

For an instant she thought he would tell her everything. She could see in his eyes that he wanted to, that a part of him was looking for a way. But he stayed silent. She watched him a moment longer, then went back to eating. The voices around them filled the sudden silence.

`She told you all this?' His anger was faced with irony. `When I went back to Wales and the Fairy Glen to ask her to release me from my duty, she wouldn't even speak to me'

Nest said nothing, didn't even look up at him, continuing to eat.

`All the times I waited for her to come to me, to tell roe what I had to d4, to help me …' He trailed off, staring fixedly at her. `Nothing is going to happen; he said finally.

She nodded. `But you know about the dream, don't you?'

`It's only a dream. It won't happen. It can't happen, because I won't let it"

She straightened and locked her eves on his. 'You taught me about being strong, John. I learned that from you in Hopewell. But I learned about caution, as well. You don't seem cautious enough to me- You think you can't be hurt, no matter what, unless you do something to invite it.. But I don't think that's how life works:

`I think I can control what I do.' he snapped. `That's all I'm saying:

She shook her head. `What if Stefanies life is threatened, and you have to choose between doing what the Void wants air letting her die? What will you do? If you lave her as much as you say, what will you do? l don't think you can just shrug this off. Pushing back his lunch, he shook his head emphatically. `I'm

not shrugging anything off. I'm not taking this lightly. But there's

no reason for the Void to try to subvert me. I'm worthless. I have

nothing left to give. I gave up everything already:

She looked at him. `Did you?' She looked over very deliberately at the black staff, resting against the window ledge beside him.

`It doesn't work; he insisted quietly, but she could tell from

the way he said it that he was hedging.

`What if the Lady has sent someone to kill you, just to be

sure you don't switch sides?' She flushed. Are we going to pretend

that what happened five years ago couldn't happen again today?

That war between the Word and the Void is still going on, and the

creatures that fight in it still exist. There are still feeders out there,

multiplying in the wake of the bad things that happen. Humans

are still working hard at destroying themselves. Nothing has

changed, John. You act as if it has. The fact that your life is different doesn't mean the world is. And it doesn't mean your connection to it has stopped having significance. Some things you can't walk away from. Wasn't that the lesson you taught me?'

He stared at her for a moment without replying, then shook

his head. `It isn't the same'

He was lying to himself, and he didn't even realize it. She saw

it clearly, a truth so obvious that she was appalled. Why was he

refusing to listen to her? She remembered him as being so clear

headed, so focused on the reality of the world's harsh demands and

unexpected treacheries. What had happened to him?

`Did you know there's a demon in Pioneer Square?' she asked

quietly.

That got his attention. She watched his reaction with satisfaction, a quick shifting of the pale green eyes, a hint of shock and disbelief on the angular face. `It was hunting homeless people last night in the catacombs of the old city. I was out walking with Ariel, after midnight, because I couldn't sleep. We could hear its victims screaming:

`You didn't see it?'

She shook her head. Ariel could smell it. She wouldn't let me go after it. She was terrified'

He glanced down at his food. `Maybe she was mistaken'

Nest gave him a moment to consider what he had said, then replied, `Maybe she wasn't'

She could tell what he was thinking. He was wondering what a demon would be doing so close to home. He was wondering why he hadn't known, then deciding it was because he had given up his position as a Knight of the Word, then realizing how vulnerable that made him. She let him work it through, saying nothing.

`If there is a demon, it has nothing to do with me,' he said after a moment, sounding like a man trying hard to convince himself.

She finished her iced tea and looked over at him. `You don't believe that for a moment: She paused. `You wouldn't care to tell me about your dream, would you?'

He shook his head.

She smiled. `Okay, John. I did my good deed. I came here to warn you, and I've warned you. The rest is up to you. I'm here until tomorrow. We can talk about this some more, if you'd like. Just give me a call. I'm staying at the Alexis'

She rose. It was better to leave things where they were, not to say anything more, to let him think about it. He stared at her, perplexed by her abruptness. She reached for her purse. `Can I help pay for the lunch?'

He shook his head quickly. `Wait, I'll walk back with you:

'I'm not going back,' she said. `f m staying down on the waterfront for a while, have a look around:

They stared at each other, neither saying anything. She could see the indecision mirrored in his green eyes. `You believe what she's saying about me, don't you?' he asked finally. `What the Lady's saying?'

`I don't know that I do,' she answered him. `I don't know what I believe. It's difficult to decide. But I think you have to look carefully at the possibility that she might be telling you the truth. I think you have to protect yourself.'

He reached for his staff and levered himself to his feet. The waitress saw them rise, and she came over to give them the check. Ross took it, thanking her. When she was gone, he held out his hand to Nest.

`I'm glad you came, Nest. Whether or not it turns out there was a good reason for it, I'm glad you came. I've wondered about you often'

She nodded, brushing back her curly hair. `I've wondered about you, too.'

`I didn't like leaving things with you in Hopewell the way I did. I've always felt bad about that'

She smiled. `It's over with, John.'

'Sometimes it doesn't feel as if any of it will ever be over, as if the past will ever really be the past' He stepped around the table and bent to kiss her cheek. `I'll think about what you've told me, I promise. I'll think about it carefully. And I'll talk with you before you leave'

`All right' she said, content to leave it at that.

They left together, walking out into the brilliant afternoon sunshine and coolish fall air, and he left her standing on the sidewalk in front of the harbour tours ticket booth, then limped across the street for the trolley. He looked older to her then, as if he had aged all at once, his movements more studied, his stoop more pronounced. She wished she could do more to help him with this, but she had done everything she could think to do.

Even so, she could nor shake tie feeling that it wasn't enough.

Nest was debating what to do with the rest of her day when Ariel unexpectedly reappeared. The tatterdemalion was gossamer thin and spectral in the sunlight, and she floated dose against Nest, as if human contact had become suddenly necessary. Nest glanced around quickly to see if passersby were looking, but no one was. It was clear they couldn't see Ariel. Only Nest could.

`Where have you-'she began„ but the tatterdemalion cut her short with a sudden rush of movement.

`Did you say everything to John Ross that you came to say?' the forest creature hissed in her soft, childlike voice.

Nest stared in surprise. `Yes, I guess so, pretty much:

Ariel was hunched close against her, and Nest could feel her small, transparent body vibrating as if it were a cord pulled taut in a high wind.

`Then stay away from him.' The tatterdemalion's dark eyes were wide and staring as she watched John Ross depart. `Stay faraway. Nest followed Ariel's gaze amass the roadway to where Ross was boarding the trolley. `What do you mean, stay away?'