Павел Эрзяйкин - Your children are not your children

How do toys influence the formation of the child’s personality? Should we buy plastic knives, handcuffs and cudgels for the boy?

If your child asks for knives and cudgels, then he wants to be like some film character. Treat it as a symptom – the child starts losing himself, doesn’t understand who he is. If the child wants to be like Schwarzenegger, then little attention is paid to the personality of the child in the child-parent relations. Watch your kid. If you like somebody shown on TV and the next day your child starts to imitate this character, then he isn’t sure if the parents love him. Then the child tries to match some stereotypes. If mum calls Schwarzenegger a real man, the son wants to be like Arnold at once. Give your child love and attention, so that he wouldn’t doubt if parents love him, if they are proud of him, then your child won’t need to copy anybody.

I think it’s much better when the child doesn’t imitate life with the help of plastic knives and hammers, but cuts something with a real knife and hammers real nails. I had a real scythe as a child – the first time I cut fingers with it, but nobody paid attention, nobody released me from responsibility and, therefore, I learned to be more attentive with sharp things.

Should we buy adult cosmetics imitation for girls?

It’s well-known that the best client is the one who became a client in the childhood. That’s why restaurants have "children’s days" – they are both parent care and work for the future forming children’s demand and taste. Thus, restaurants bring up a future clients, people eating out when they grow up.

We live in a society where consumption plays the main role, and it’s important for the society to have people consuming nonstop. Children’s cosmetics is said to be harmless and even useful – it is conservation, multiplication and maintenance of the tradition to make up and "tune" the face. There is no simple answer to this question – should you buy or should not, allowed or forbidden. Think, why do you need the role of a "mother" and a "father"? How do you see your child in the future? When is this all not in vain? When will you be proud of your child? How important are the games she plays for the success of your project? If your daughter does make up to find her style, to look how it matches different clothes – this is one thing. If she does make up to get some attention, to be noticed by people, if this is the only way for her to feel beautiful – this is another thing. My daughter likes to dress up, draw, invent images, stage performances, do make up to my wife and her friends, besides she dreams of having a beauty parlor for animals. Any games of your child can build up future professional skills.

They sell "Little chemist," "Little physicist" kits, etc. What’s your opinion of such games?

The first question: who do I want my children to be? Independent or dependent, responsible or stupid, consumer or people with merit? When I have answers, it’s easier for me to decide what will be useful and harmful for my children. I will choose toys not because "doctors recommend" or "people usually buy," but because my children need something and it will be better for them. In this case I will take into account the children’s opinion, not mine. If children are interested in such kits, they gradually may fall in love with this activity to such a degree that it will become their profession.

What should I do if my son brought a stray cat or dog home? Can I make him bring the animal back to the street or should I indulge him supporting his care about weaker creatures?

The first reaction of the majority of mothers when they see such a nice couple – the son and a puppy, is to feel pity for themselves. You haven’t cleaned after this puppy yet, but you already start suffering ahead – you’re so busy, you’re so tired, you can’t cope with the duties you have, and there is that puppy, and you have to do everything yourself, only yourself. Before taking your decision, sort out the problems; "have an eye for the ground" as military people say. Don’t start lying like "this is somebody else’s puppy, somebody might have come to pick it up, somebody is crying and looking for it; bring it back." Look at the child: how does he speak about the puppy? Has anything new appeared in him after meeting the animal? Why is it so important for him? Upbringing doesn’t start with punishment and prohibition, but with revision and clarity. So far, all animals are toys for your child. He only knows that dogs are good, kind and soft, and he has no idea that they urinate, bite and can crunch his favorite books and toys.

Start by asking, "Where will it live? How will you feed it? How will you walk it out? Do you know that the puppy is alive, so you will have to clean after it? Why is it important to you? What do you feel? What will you do when the puppy grows up?" By the answers you will understand what is happening with the child. Questions teach to plan, to think about the future and to see the perspectives. Answers are certain promises, which the person gives and after some time of getting the experience, it will be possible to see if he keeps his promises or not. Even if you feel that the child is now lying a bit and making up, let him do it. Let him be inspired and believe that he will really be able to fulfill all his promises. Sometimes by their questions parents wait for the obvious answers, "Will you clean?" – "Yes." – "Will you be a good boy?" – "Yes." There is no curiosity and sincerity in such questions. You make your child take responsibilities he has no idea about. Prior to taking a promise to "clean after a puppy," wonder if your child knows what it’s like. Because if he is not ready to face that the puppy will crunch his favorite toy, the child can take a hammer and beat the animal to death. We think that children are cruel, but they just don’t see the difference between a porolon animal and a real one.

If a child misbehaves in the supermarket, but I absolutely don’t want to fall down on the floor next to him, is there any other way to get feedback?

If you don’t want to fall down, providing the feedback, leave your child alone – let him play a fool, let him broil with anger. Accept that you can only influence through a contact. If there is no contact – there is no influence (see the answer to the second question).

Together with my husband we don’t let our 10-year-old daughter watch action movies on TV, criminal news etc. For a certain age we don’t want her to know how much violence and cruelty there is in this world. I’m sure that in this case she will grow up free, more open to interaction, to communication with people without fear for this world. Do you agree?

When parents create a fairy tale for their child, where there is no grief, poverty and death, this becomes an excellent ground for further frustrations. One day the child will come across the reality and will get to know that there are empty pockets and sufferings. This happened to Buddha, who didn’t know that there were diseases, senility and death for 16 years, so when he left the palace he was shocked. While your child is just a kid, you can defend her and create absolute goodness for her, but one day she will step out into the real world and will be inadequate, not ready for defense. On the other hand, if you start speaking about the cruel dangerous world, full of criminals you will jump into another extremity. Such frightening will make no sense; because we don’t have another world and you shouldn’t cause fear and rejection of this world in children, bring them up in illusions, because you will have to cure it after a while. Do not hide anything from children. Just explain that the world is much more than they show in the news. News is not the life of the planet, but something that is interesting to some people; life is not only murders and theft, life is successes, orgasms, birth of children, excellent marks for exams, etc. Ask your child, "You have lived a day, have you seen any of the things shown on TV in our town?"

Fight against drug addiction creates drug addicts. Fight for peace starts new wars. If you don’t interfere, the TV interest will soon fade. Nothing will have to be forbidden, if we don’t watch it ourselves. We have to forbid, when we watch ourselves, but we forbid to the kids only, "Now there is an adult program, it’s high time for you to go to bed." I remember my parents telling me so, and I then was lying under their door trying to peep at what they were watching. Prohibiting, parents create something in the child’s head; interest arises and energy is evolved – until it is implemented, interest remains.

Don’t you deny the influence of the "street" on children? If they grow up in the context of drug addiction and criminal behavior, they may get under control of this environment and it will be hard for parents to get them out of there.

When I consult mothers of the drug addicts, who (the mothers) tell me what kind of television, schools and society we have, I understand that these mothers are looking for the party in fault, because they feel authorship and direct participation in the trouble happened to their children. Such mothers create the "Committee of soldiers' mothers," the "Committee of drug addicts’ mothers," and soon will probably create some other committee to fight against the society that is killing their children. These children perished in the army or died in some situation only because they suddenly were left alone without the mother and couldn’t survive without her. The heads of these children were stuffed with false ideas about the world that mothers had invented to shield their children from reality. As long as they could, they kept their children in these illusions, thought for them, suggested answers, worried about them and when the children grew up, went out of the parents’ nest, the world turned out to be a shock for them. But they couldn’t live another way, so they started playing fools and insisted, showed their whims and told other people "how it should be." But the world is unlikely to bow and scrape before somebody’s whims. Then the only thing left to the child is to return to the mother, or, if it’s impossible, to step out of life. Either you accept everything as it is or you die – a very simple formula of life. Because if you accept, you start interacting, you are in contact and only this way can you influence, create and change. But if you are not in touch, there isn’t any other chance.

It’s impossible to unglue my child from watching cartoons – he can watch them for hours, though they are stupid and futile. Shall we wait until they bore him?

If real life is interesting, if parents have partnership relations encompassing love, respect and support, if something happens at home, if the child takes part in family events, talks, if there are discoveries and interest every day – in general, if there is life in the family, then cartoons will "go off-stage." But if in the real life the child is positioned as a "nobody, a freak or a loser", then he will crave for the world of illusions, where he isn’t guilty, where he won’t be punished.

What about the bad quality of contemporary cartoons, I’ll tell you about a talk between a children’s psychologist and the parents of children attending the same kindergarten as my daughter. She was telling us about the harm of contemporary cartoons, which form the matrix of a cruel woman. As an example, she took the cartoon "Shrek," where there is a scene, when the girl hits the face of the main character with her legs. The psychologist said that a woman can’t behave like that, because she’s, well, a future mother with plump cheeks and so on. However, women can be different, the sooner a child gets to know it, the better. Don’t create fairy tales and myths, don’t impose the stereotypes about "real women" and "real men" upon a child. The less you lie, the more adequate your child will be.