Nikita Kapernaumov - 2019: The most obsessive diary of a rejected Martin Eden in agony

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14 03 19 night – ненавижу свой голос

I’ve just now relistened to the audio with phrasal verbs which i recorded in august, and i’ve understood what my voice tends to become. It’s going to be a fucking mordovian obsessed-with-mushrooms silly fair-haired man’s voice. I’m not fucking going to be any man ever. I was not supposed to, according to my genes. I am mordovian. Thin voice. Thin limbs, idiotically prolongated. A brain of weak abilities. It’s my fucking fate to live this. I’m not like dasha’s sergey, photos and videos with whom i btw reawatched yesterday. He is a dark haired, saratov sort. A real man. A real manly antropology. And i am of fucking bogs and woods. That’s where my tendency to folk music and stuff comes from, for being over-sentimental, unpractical. Dasha, sergey, they are all have that their urban anthropology.

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16 03 19 one hour in the morning – пишу девкам, истерика 8интернет про неможевание выучить инглиш

Have had one evening’s bout of writing to girls and all that shit on vk. Mainly because of this lion girl and her friends. In the end her boyyfriend blocked me with a lecture. Once again it’s i am myself to blame.

Nobody talks to me anymore like 6 years ago. My 26 is not a joke anymore.

If they don’t like what happens to me then they can mend it, just stop having all sex relationships in the world. Difficult to execute? Then bear me and what i will do.

( – кудато в интернет, в зле – )

Ive been f studying f english for the last 2and half years without stop/ i mean i f every day from morn to night wud f read books or do some exersies or mostly f listen to audiobuks. F read all classics. 7 plays of sakespear, homer, f vrigil, f john fowles 3 buks, f tens of books on gramar, all these f catcher in the ryes and f shit from english school program. Everything in original, everything a few times over, not just f listen once and then forget. I wouyld f write new words and new f constructiosn from each book as i read, and then i wud f record them in voice and relisten to it whenever i f peel potatoes or shite or taking bath. I fucking without non stop have learned it. And it is only for the last 2anda half yeatrs. Before this i f had studyied it for another two years, also very hard but sometimes with stops for a week or two. And before fucking that, i had f studied it since 2012 now and again. And before fucking that i had studyid it in shool, and in kindergarten and even fucking before f kindergarten. I fucking lost my eyesight. With these dsamned books all. i lost fucking 100k$ which makes all my present studying idotic and silly as i shall never bew fucking able to mpove to europe (as i planned and which was my poing studying f english). and i fuking can’t say any beter than this. This is haw i would speak. I fucking use no idioms. Fucking use no articles almost. Usualy use my native language’s word order. Use no phrasal verb although i have learned the other day for instance 700 new sentences. I mean i had fucking recorded an audio where i read 700 sentences with new use of some phrasal verb in each and then i for a couple of days fucking would listen to it over and over again, and now i almost remember each sentence by fucking hert./ and that doesn’t f make me able to use any of that f prasal berb. Not a single f verb of those can i use. I use the verbs of simplest english. All these fucking use, go, read, be, hui blyat, run, lie, move, make. But not any phrasal idomatic deviation of them, no f move outs or f catch-on-withs. I ont fucking feel when to use them. I f spik in simple english just as i was already able two and three and even these fuking 4 years ago of my f hard studying of this shit. I know not if i am right to use of in the last sentnce. I do not fucking now if i am corect to to say am instead of was in the last sentece. I don’t know if it was f corect to say i am corect. I fucking do not know nothinhg at all. sure in nothing at all f. What the f. They would tel me i fucking had to practice. Fuck. I have practiced 300thousand-fucking-word diary in the last two years. All in english. And it’s all like this in it. I would of course reread and correct here and there, change f words for beter ones, or better gramar. Who read them will fucking usualy say i am fuking advanced and very good in english. But that fucking advanced text would have taken me some fucking whole day to write it. Mere 1000word entry in diary would take a whole fucking day i say. To make it gud english and not fucking this. I was able to make this sort of english into proper 2 years ago just the same as i am able now. Nothing fucking have changed. I haven f advanced at al. I use no f idiomatic and no no fucking gramar, although i reread the fucking gramar rules every day. I lost my eyes on fucki all this shit. And i have f ahcieved nothing. Am not sure in a single phrase. Not a single phrase speak corect. Always use my own word order. Even now i fuc loose some time to write f it in more or les proper word order and to remember sometimes to use fuking determiners. But i if i fucking speak i wil speak nothing even like this. It’s all fucking uncorect, al bad, and me at 26 speaking like this and fucking watching someyoutuber from some fuking finland, neighbouring f country and he fuking speaks like a f american as if he fucking lives not in finland but in america. And he doesn’t spends so much time as i on this all shit. He somwhow is just speaking and that all. i want to fucking go to the kitchen and fucking cut my mum with knife for fucking bearing me here in this fuking worlkd wheree i canot fucking manage merest fucking english. 4 years almost without stop. Whats more i fucking must speak properly because so that i would not go massacaring people i need to be able to compose and record my fucking songs which is my hoby. I need fucking english to compodse lyurics. I’ve composed a few lurics in the last year and i een recrded them in songs, but now i see that almost every second word is wrong, gramar mistakes everywhere, i fucking now and then open this goddamned audio program and have to reercord the godadamned places, and it has no end, once i rerecord this, that turns out wrong, this corrected, another fucking problem comes fucking up and it has no end,. i must be a fucking profesional. If i do anything i must be a fiucking professional. I canot release my fucking songs if they are unidiomatic or have stupid ambiguous places in the lysrics which show me a fucking damned russian, absolutely having nothing to do with engluish germanivc language mind and way of fucking thinking. It was my idea fixed singe childhod to live a fucking english life, i have to be english al over, i have to live in some fuicking liverpool and i have to speak like a native and have english education and all. but in the end i fucking sit here in this fucking damned house in the fucking idiotic moronic shit city saint petersbur hate this fucking shityh culturwe and eveything connected with russia i dong go f out, i fucking want to have nothing to do with rusian. But i fucking canot manage right the simplies idomati ways speaking engliosh.; i fucking can’t speak simpliest english idiomaticaly. Always mistakes always idiotic ambiguaties and not knowings how to say that or f this and using gerunds for fucking nouns, and using this preopiosition for fucking that, and using the wrong tenst and fucking all. i am fucking sick of it and i fucking want to kill people because of that and i will belive me and all these threats and bans and warnings from the police wont do shit, i fucking one day will go out and i fucking cut out a child or two and then myself besure.

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16 03 19 noon – мне шизу а оцу ничего

Reread in the night that dad’s mini book on his land plot. The which book shows his what doctors would call «shizophrenic’ ideas. His ideas about wanting to cuba and all. i fucking see al lthis through. I see clearly what has happened. Both he and i have these fucking what they would call shizophrenic thing. Only it’s i alone who am diagnosed with it officially. Why? Where’s the line between normality and an ilness. they say it’s when an individual stops being able to function normally. Only fucking let see. Do i stopped function because of the shizo thing? Fucking no. I stopped because i am hysterical, because of this my bad temper. But they didn’t consider this side at all. unless they took this my side pf behaviour as psychotic, which is not. So, more probably, they just didn’t consider this my side at all, but only «the shizo part’. And they fucking said it’s because of it that i lost normal functioning. Which is fucking not so. Dad doesn’t have this neurosness and bad temeperness, so he goes on functioning normally. It’s exactly the bad temperness which stopped me going to school. Million people have ocd but the least percantage i think have such a reaction as mine. This my over-evil, over-hysterical way of taking my ocd stuff. I fucking pity myself too much. If i fucking as less as think it will be going unpleasant, i won’t do the thing by any means. I’ll avoid it, it’ll become the point of my life to avoid it. I fucking will avoid unpleasanties. I pity myself too much and i do not want to change it of course.

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17 03 19 after midnight – слежу за дашиными онлайн/офлайн, истерика не могу выучить инглиш

Dasha been not online since 4 pm. Strange. Saturday. Vandrouki been at the top of her list for a week at least. Traveling?

A idreamed out a tune. I mean it came to me before awakening. It’s supposed to be performed by chidren choir. Like погоня в горячей крови. Just as cool. Also somebody deleted the commont published by somebody who read my yesterdays’s my post throught, they wrote «the post is long but at the end he actually expresses ideas of killing «a child or two’. looked through his other posts, he needs urgent help’. Now it is deleted with a comment «0 children’. Did i write wrong? Is «a child or two’ incorrect to mean «one child or maybe two children»?

Wow dasha nevertheless online on her tutor page. Lost her iphone? Damn, i have to record the dreamed children tune.

I also have to record today the rest of that hindi idiom book. Best book on english idioms i have found so far. I have to record the idioms, relisten to them so as to remember for further relistening, and then i’ll return to recording music. did the maccrimon intro yesterday, by the way. At least i hope that i will not be correcting it anymore.

Damn how it’s all sad. Youth is lost. Dasha shall never be young again.

see how fukingly wel I’ve managed phrasal verb. read ma last sentence in the post. the phrasal verb cut out. i fucking intended it to mean kil of curse. because i relistened at least 20 times in the last day to the list of phrasal verbs from the first half of alphabet. I’ve listened to all these cut downs and fucking cut outs fucking 20 times this week. need no looking into fucking dictionary to remember what meaning they have on the sentences. and now i tried to use it fucking myself. all the post was without loooking into a dictionay, just while my fucking soup cooled. decided to fucking show my level of english. and fucking used this phrasal verb. thought it was ciorect. but fucking fucked up as usual. isee that one coment below is delepted, i remember yesterday sombody wrote, he guessed what i meant by cut out. but now its fuking deleted with a coment 0 children. it acaly made me recheck the verb. so it appeared to the one who deleted the coment that i fucking used it as if i inteded to reduce childre. maby to never become parent or something like that. i fucking know nothing. i fucking now and am suure only in these latin words, no fucking pharasl and idioms. i havwe a fucking non germanic brain fuck it. fucking brain which is not able to mamange the fucking saxonic language you see. i fucking CANOT FUCKING MANAGE YOUR FUCKING SAXONIC LANGUAGE AND I WIL FUCKING KIL PEEPPLE