Nikita Kapernaumov - 2019: The most obsessive diary of a rejected Martin Eden in agony

i meant i shoud v f used cut down at least.

now i of course shal remember forever this fucking verb. but what, should i fucking spend 2 days on each english verb? fuck you who say yes. idiots. goddamn morons. do not understand what a ’goal’ is. my fucking goal was to be speaking english right now when i am 26 years old, not at 90 fucking yo. my fucking prick not going to stand up when i am 90. there is no fucking life at 90. life is now when youre fucking young. and i fucking am wasting it on these fucking redits and fucking grammars and fucking cut outs-cutdowns fuck them, and all these your fucking coments that youre fucking 29 yo and stil can’t speak english properly. youre wretched and morons. you do not fucking have anything to do with my sort of goal. youre fucking have never wanted to speak english, otherwiese youd fucking not say what you say in so calm a tone, youi d fucking be raging like i am now especcialy if youre older

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weel i’ve overlooked. The coment is not deleted

shit i’ve overlooked. the coment i was speaking about is not deleted after al. it’s only the folowing ones are deleted, including sombeody’s holy crap as far as i remember from yesterday. but anyway, maybe he delelted because he fucking reread the sentence and took it that i am not going to become a parent and maybe he thought that the coment of who says i need help is mistaken. at any rate i fucking worked up an ambiguty, writing the wrong verb. it facking made me to waste half an hour of life on these my last comennts. it fucking made me foget about my tea cup and i had just now to drink it cold. see what not proper knowledge of a language does

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17 03 19 night – инет-слежка за онлайновостью, страдание и очаяние

I just didn’t see any posibility of establishing noninformal relationship. It was al home-shcools-home-school. Home-work-home-work. Where were informalities supposed to happen in that vicious circle? So i came out of it, thats all.

it’s 5.22. dasha was online half an hour ago. Was online 4 hours ago. Now was online. Past 6am in saratov. What the fuck? Where does she live. Fuck and I’m still here recording the idiom shit ( – у меня передо мной лежало сотня листов, они наверное полкилограма весят в совокупности, на котоыре я выписывал какието словестные конструкции из книжек котоыре читал, чтобы перечитывать их и держать в памяти. идиомы, слова в контексте и т. д. я ебанутсья сколько работы проделал в те месяцы – ) and it has no end FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AT 26 YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!!!!! WHILE ALL OF THE PEERS ARE GROWNUP PEOPLE ALREADY AND HAVE BEEN SO FOR YEARS BY NOW.

I f remember all my life as iam recording now. It all fucking comes back to me insessantly, all those streets, all that saratov world, world of dreams and expectations, the gymnasium, the fucking lessons and the chase in hot blood ( – песня – ) and all. and i cannot fucking step on. I am in a fucking morass with these shitty idioms.

7 am in saratov. Nfour online 15 minutes ago. They must be together now it seems.

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17 03 19 morning – истерика не могу выучить инглиш

Fuck just now have read wiki on Joseph Wright, fuck, the man didn’t read at 15 and at 30 completed phd (i even don’t know what it is) at a university, and he was a fucking specialist in his field, and great writers admired him, and tolkien was taught by him and inspired and i here fucking am being not able to master the basic fucking english. Shit. I don’t knw even how to f express my anger, how to vent the fuck out, i am fucking full of envy, fucking swollen with it, i want to fucking kil, to fucking crush skuls. Fucking destroy everythong around me and myself.

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17 03 19 evening – очаяние, убий

Thought about my fucking intensifiers in every sentence. I am of course sounding like the guy catcher in the rye. A child. Still unable to be calm. But am i to be ashamed? Growing up is non a mental effort. I have had no real events leading to a grown-up state of minds. Of course i am now still a child. To keep emotions under control? What’s the point? They won’t dissapear if i just not express them in this way. Not in this way then in the other one. All their recommendaions for me to do this or that are stupid. they look at me from outside. They do not understand the situation. And yet they are in the power of making my fate. Can call the police and all. i am not at all contented with all this. They do not give a damn now. But they shall, they shall be regarding me when i take somebody’s life.

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18 03 19 three in the morning – большой текст-история про неудачи с инглишем

Fuck I’m now in a real helish suffering. It’s all began three hoors ago, i had slept only a few hours after almost a day’s waking. I couldn’t sleep anymore, tossed off and fucking got up, ate, and began drilling the phrasal verbs. Did it for a couple of hours. Next i should have been remembering what i had just listened to, the f verbs. But first I went to piss. There i began to fucking think on how it’s all happened. I am 26 now and still am drilling what they drill in the 5th grade, and what every more or less advanced teenager now knows, all these verbs. Why is it so? That I, who was so after moving to an english speaking country am now so fucked up? Why the fuck is it so.. I couldn’t fucking manage english. Id made quite a few tries to get it. Before kindergaten, there, in shool, i even got good grades at english in the beginning. I fucking returned to english textbooks on my own at home, at 9 for instance when i was obseesed with the idea of going about that ravine near our dacha, in high black leather boots and speaking in english and bad russian to people making out i was a foreigner. I was opening text books and tried to understand. Then there was many fucking computer games, pirate ones, in english. Just like the fucking videogames of all those morons from reddit, who say theyve learned english with and for videogames. I too had games in english. Why the fuck i didn’t learn more than a couple of words. There was also, before the computer, a time when i tried to create something out of words in the translator on dad’s pc. Next there bagan this epoch of metal music. i bought books on english, that fucking dictionary, i was trying real fucking hard. Composed lyricrs and tried to translate it. I had to deal with dictioanries and translators a fucking lot. But again, all i got out of that were a few more new words, like iron, steel, sword. I constantly listened to songs in english and read translations, and i recorded covers on the songs, pronounced the fucking original lyrics and new what the translations of them were. But i fucking didn’t understand how it all worked, all those words. I would buy textbooks on english, and there were those exercises which i didn’t understand. Then the adsl internet, began watching some youtube lessons. I was fucking not understanding. I always sang songs original in english, but that gave me nothing except shaping proper pronounciation. The great effort i made at gnilka, i almost got it, but still not enough. Then began the story of moving to spb. Depression from dasha and from not knowing what to do here, being already 20 and still not knowing nor english nor what to write lyrics about. Almost a year wasted, since the end of the winter of 2013 till the spring of 2014, when i proceeded to study. Now again i studied fucking hard. Day and night, translated nordlands, other lyrics, wrote down and drilled words. Even began to listen to audiobooks such as yeats and that jennie hall’s book on vikings. I could only make out separate words and contructions but i didint understand how it all worked. And whats the most important, i didn’t like what i was reading. Nordlands were all right as long as the lyrics ran to music. also the guides from oblivion, as i nostalgised over my having played it in my youth. but the books, the text itself, separate from music or pleasant assoisiations, i just didint fucking like it. More, i hated it. I hated the theme, the fucking vikings, or stupid fairies of yeats. But i knew nothing more interesing. So i fucking wearied of listening to just separate words from audiobooks on subjects i didn’t like and put off studying for a few months, during which made big money with my courier compaign. At the very beginning of 2015 just the first working day after holidays, i took up a text book, another one, again. Now i even understood gerunds and the construction «to be to do smth». But it was still not enough to understand texts. The first warm days of the spring i was making that my original one copy of the pushkin’s fairytale in russian ( – я сшил из листов книжечку и переписал туда английский перевод сказки про царя гандона – ) / wrote down the whole text and was drilling it as i was running about the city. Still not enough to understand grammar, just picked up new words, and the subject didn’t interest me enough. I began to listen to the groups from the folk folder, something that would turn the whole situation. When the summer began there was that period when i liked that album about witches ( – the vision bleak – ), and i liked the subject, i printed out the lyrics and was reading it constantly, but by the middle of the summer abandoned it, as there was also that problem with the flat and dasha who’d just blocked me. was too depressed to study anything. But then i got to derek warfield, whom i had accidentley added one song to my music in 2011. It was really what i wanted to listen after all that scandinavian shit ( – я имел ввиду метал музыку – ), and this led me to silly wizard and gaughan. It was wizard and gaughan, mostly, wizard’s blackbird and hame and gaughan’s westling winds and erin-go-bragh. The bands, I got them from rutrtacker. If i had only failed to install vpn i wouldn’t have gotten them. It would have been all different now. Of course i might have lighted upon them consequentely. But it could have taken years before it would have happened. It was all chance. Silly wizard, i was lovesick, extreemly depressed and desiring to have a relationship with a girl, so I loved the songs, i loved the bands, also that derek warfield whose traditional lyrics were to my liking spiritually. They made me make more and more efforts towards english. It was fucking all a long way. I bought books with fairytales, and my highest aim was tolkien (at 22, when peers were finishing universities having read the classic complicated books like ulysses and fucking dostoevskies), whom i at last took up when i bought the pocket book in the october of 2015. Only then did i began to understand grammar more or less. I hadn’t understood it earlier, nor had i known earlier of interesting subjects to read about and to ground my studying on. Before that there were only the fucking vikings, and oblivion. And only in the second half of 2015 dasha passed the exam and i began to see that one can manage english after all, before which i had been studying without any beleif that one can have great success, i had seen no example, all these fucking sweden quorthons are from another world, even dasha was from another world, because to be of their world for me means to share their style of life, which i didn’t as i am a fucking home stayer. It was all just chance, it all chanced, i wasn’t working it up, i was the object, not the agent. it was all fortune, or rather unfortune. I couldn’t have learned it earlier, there hadn’t been all these fucking events that have led me to advancement. I’ve been just fucking unfortunate. Now i am fucking 26 and all my youth is passed, all money gone, time gone, dasha fucking gone, all gone. If only i had manged grammar at 12 or at least 10 years ago, as most of advanced teenagers. My life would have been altogether different, i would not have worked ( – не выкинул бы 2.5 лет на курьерство с утра до ночи, накопление с которых потерял полностью и ещё в столько же с половиной – ), wouldn’t have been despearate, i would have been doing what i liked during my best years, something i i was hoped for and made means for, all these my flats in a good city, guitars and mandolins and all, it was all for the best years of life which i intended to spend doing what i wanted. My self esteem would have been altogether different, there wouldn’t have been dasha, nothing of this all would have happened. Had i just seen a certain pattern in an english text, which would have helped me to untangle the fucking grammar, or had i only listened to a certain song which would enamoured me of the band and made me to study their lyrics closer. I might have stayed at school. We had a lot of money, there could have been private tutours, i could have gone to the same university with dasha, i might have fucking become her real friend. Mum says she gave me over, because i was non-controlable and hysterical. Of course i was, how otherwise, when all classes were idiotic, except one useful ( – англ – ) which however wasn’t giving any knowledge, at any rate it was so boring that i couldn’t be interested in it, and if i had liked and been able i had better been studying it on my own at home. Of course i didn’t see any point in going to otherwise just lifeconsuming school.