Jodi O'Donnell - When Baby Was Born

For a second there, she’d experienced a riot of sheer panic that he meant to turn them back out into the storm.

Which was ludicrous. Yes, she’d done what she’d needed to, to secure the safe delivery of her baby. And yes, he’d seen the ring. Yet neither what happened before or afterward could diminish the moment when he had made her and her child his own.

But it had only been for that moment, he said. And now?

Sara only realized her mind had drifted when she heard Cade clear his throat, obviously not for the first time.

“So,” he said tersely, “how’s that makeshift diaper Virg made holding up?”

“Just fine. Want to see?”

She obligingly drew back the blanket as he bent close, leaning on one hand on the bed next to her hip. He’d showered, she noticed; his chestnut-brown hair shone slickly, the forelock hanging in spikes over his forehead. It reminded her of how his hair had been when she’d awakened and looked up into his eyes for the first time.

She pushed her own hair, limp and lank, back from her face. She must look a mess. As soon as she could, she was taking a shower.

The diaper was basically a clean washcloth with some extra gauze padding the front and pinned at the sides. The key component was the waterproof pants Virgil had fabricated out of a plastic freezer bag by cutting a couple of leg holes and rimming them with duct tape to prevent tearing and leakage. Two more pieces of tape secured the pants at the sides.

Cade eyed the whole contraption speculatively. “It sure enough makes him look like some home plumbing work, but I guess it does the job.”

“Baby Cade doesn’t mind,” she said before thinking.

His head shot up. “You named him after me?”

“Why, yes,” Sara said, commanding her gaze not to falter. It was difficult to do, with his face so close to hers. “I can think of no one finer.”

Shock rimmed his eyes. “That’s because you don’t know anyone else at this point!”

“I know you,” she averred stubbornly. “I know what you did for me and my baby.”

“But you’ve got to see, darl—”

Rather than she, it was he who dropped his gaze. He’d yet to call her Sara—except once, when he’d summoned her back from the depths of her despair.

“I’m just askin’,” he said, his voice muted, “what about the baby’s father?”

“What about him?” Sara said boldly. She realized what he was staring at, and her fingers went to the chain lying on her chambray shirtfront. “Yes—this ring. Obviously, it’s mine. But no, I don’t remember who gave it to me or what happened t-to him.”

To her dismay, her voice shook and her mouth trembled with more tears. Sara sniffed them back. “But whoever he is, Cade, he owes you a debt of gratitude, and I can’t imagine he would begrudge this expression of my—of our appreciation. I—I’ll never forget what you’ve done for me,” she vowed in an echo of her thoughts at that moment when he’d given her this child.

“You won’t?” Cade asked skeptically.

Sara didn’t even realize the contradiction in her phrasing until the words were out—for obviously she had forgotten, so very much.

Her head had begun to ache again, and she rubbed the knot of tension at her temple. She couldn’t let what she didn’t know keep her from believing in what she did!

She noticed Cade had gone very still, his expression watchful.

“Does your head hurt because you were injured?” he asked. “Did you hit it somehow…or did someone hit you?”

She wondered what he’d do if she said yes, because from the looks of it, Cade McGivern had it in him to focus a ferocious amount of energy toward protecting someone he cared for.

The thought calmed her, gave her courage. Lifting her chin high, she answered, “I don’t know, Cade. I don’t know what happened. But there is no way on earth I will ever forget the experience with you of bringing this child into the world. I may not know who I am, but I know that with every bit of my heart.”

For a moment Cade didn’t speak, his whiskey-brown gaze keen upon her face as if himself searching for recognition in her features, as she had in her son’s. Or was he looking for something else, something beyond acknowledgement? For lurking in the back of his eyes, she detected the same yearning she’d seen before, a desperate wanting to believe.

And she wanted to give him the assurance he could, as he’d given her, because what had happened between them was worth believing in, was worth remembering. But before she could speak, Cade pushed off from the bed, pivoting away, and her chance was gone.

“Speakin’ of identities,” he said, “I found your coat downstairs where you left it.”

He fetched it from where he’d laid it on the chair and thrust the coat out to her with a brief nod. “I didn’t want to go through the pockets myself, but I’m thinkin’ you might find that note in them.”

She again caught the skepticism in his voice. Cradling her baby in the crook of her arm, Sara took the coat from him and drew it across her lap. She didn’t know why, but her hand shook as she dipped it into one pocket. Out came a pack of chewing gum and a set of car keys.

“No note?” Cade asked.

“Not here.” Turning the coat over, she felt inside the other pocket. Her fingers closed over something. She pulled out a folded scrap of paper.

Opening it, she read aloud, “‘Sara—if there’s anything you should need—anything at all—contact Cade. He’ll take care of you.”’

Relief came in a wave, washing over her. She didn’t realize until now how much she had doubted of what she knew.

Handing the note to him, she said triumphantly, “Your name, address and phone number are listed, along with some directions from the interstate, but as I said, there’s no signature—”

He made a strangled sound.

“Cade?” Sara asked.

All of her apprehension came back as she watched him study the note as if he were memorizing every pen stroke. It was the same way he’d looked at her—except she could see in that note he was finding recognition.

“What is it, Cade?” Still he didn’t answer her, his whole stance seeming carved in stone, and Sara instinctively clutched her baby to her breast.

When he finally moved, he did so with a speed that seemed fantastic, and at once had rounded the bed to the opposite bed stand. He picked up an envelope lying there. He tore into it, read its contents like one possessed.

Before her eyes, he turned pale as a ghost, and rather than shocked, as earlier, he looked utterly horrified.

“Cade, tell me, please!” Sara cried.

In two strides he was at her side. He practically shoved the envelope into her hand. His own closed around the sheets of writing it had contained, crushing them.

The envelope looked as if it had been handled tens of times, even though the postmark was only half a week old.

Then she saw what Cade obviously had: the envelope was addressed to him in the exact same handwriting as her note. The return address said “McGivern, Albuquerque, New Mexico.”

Meeting his gaze, Sara shook her head. “This is from…your brother?”

“Yes. My brother—Loren.” He watched her closely, obviously looking for some sign from her, but the name meant nothing to her.

“So I must know your brother, well enough that he’d give me your name in case of an emergency. He never mentioned that to you?”

“Funny, but it never seemed to’ve come up. Of course, this letter is the first contact I’ve had from him in seven years,” Cade answered.

He seemed to have distanced himself from her, was more like the cynical man she’d first encountered. Except now she knew what lay behind that hard exterior of his, and she couldn’t go back.

“Is that what’s wrong, Cade? You and your brother are estranged?” she pressed. “Was there some sort of falling out?”

He gave a mirthless laugh that she didn’t care for, not at all. “Oh, definitely. But now Loren writes to tell me he remarried some months ago, that his new wife is pregnant with his first child. And once that child is born, he doesn’t want him not to know his only uncle.”

Foreboding crept over Sara. Strange she should have any kind of presentiment when she remembered nothing of the past. Wouldn’t it have to be rooted in some event she remembered as already happening in her life?

But something had happened. As short as it was, she did have a past she remembered: she and Cade had shared the experience of her son’s birth. And she couldn’t go back to before.

She wanted to remind him of their pact to focus on this moment and not let either the past or the future stop them from living this moment to the fullest. She wanted to remind him of how he himself had allayed her fears with his own vow that still rang in her ears: Wherever both of you came from, you and your baby, you’re here now—in my house, in my bed, right where you need to be. For now, you belong here, with me. And I won’t let you down.

It had meant so much to her, kept her hanging on through the worst of the pain and fear. Oh, was she about to lose that, too?

She couldn’t!

Sara put a hand to her head, it was spinning so. She felt as if she were trapped and struggling in a quagmire of all the unknowns in her life, both past and to come. Maybe that was why she clung so desperately to the certainty of the here and now. Clung so desperately to Cade.

She didn’t want to ask her next question, but she knew she had to. Knew—because Cade knew the answer, and it would kill him not to say so. She owed him more than that.

“Your brother, Loren.” The name felt heavy on her tongue. But definitely not unfamiliar. “His wife…?”

Sara made herself lift her eyes to meet his, and wished she hadn’t. Memory or no, she had never seen a man look so bleak.

“My brother’s wife’s name,” he said, “is Sara.”

Cade plunged out into the storm, head and hands bare and exposed to the freezing cold. At least he’d stopped to pull his wool-lined jacket from its peg and thrust it on, or he’d be completely at the mercy of the elements.

The icy bitterness felt good, though. It was like a great big hit of reality smack in the face, right where he obviously needed it.

Because the woman in his bed—the one in a moment of insanity he’d vowed was his and no other man’s—was his brother’s wife.

The very brother Cade had spent the past seven years wondering whether he would ever be forgiven by and, since receiving Loren’s letter, had begun to hope he had.

And it got worse from there. Stumbling through a snowdrift, Cade brutally forced himself to admit that yes, even after seeing Sara’s wedding band, he’d hoped her wearing it on a chain around her neck and not her finger had meant she might be free.

Free—to do what? He barely knew her!

So why didn’t it feel that way?

Yet there had to be a reason for her keeping the ring on a chain. Was it something Loren had done? When? From the way his brother wrote in his letter, it seemed as though the pregnancy was recent. Obviously, that wasn’t the case.

So what had happened? What could have happened, in just a few days? Of course, there was Sara’s amnesia, her claim she had no purse. Had they been held up on the highway, and his brother had tried to hold off their attackers so Sara could speed to safety?

Cade endured a moment of mortal fear for his brother’s safety, until he recalled the note in Loren’s handwriting. His brother had obviously anticipated sending his new wife to Cade, for whatever reason.