Илья Франк - Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения (ASCII-IPA)

The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"

The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small frog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the frog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."

The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale."

The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"

"Don't worry about it," the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Don't worry about it.

A man is in a bar (человек в баре) and falling off his stool (падает со стула) every couple of minutes (каждые две минуты) . He is obviously (явно, очевидно) drunk (пьян) . So (поэтому) the bartender says to another man in the bar (говорит другому человеку в баре) : "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home (почему бы тебе не быть добрым самаритянином и не отвести его домой) ."

The man takes the drunk out the door (выводит пьяного за дверь) and to his car (к его машине) and he stumbles (спотыкается) at least ten times (по крайней мере десять раз) . They drive along (едут) and the drunk points out (показывает, указывает на) his house (его дом) to the man.

He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps (спотыкаясь, поднимается по лестнице) to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife (жена) greets (встречает) them at the door: "Why (здесь: что ж) , thank you for bringing him (спасибо, что привели его) home for me, but where is his wheel chair? (но где же его инвалидное кресло) "

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why, thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

Take him home, please.

A serious drunk (сильно пьяный) walked into a bar (зашел в бар) and, after staring for some time (после некоторого времени пристального смотрения) at the only woman seated at the bar (на единственную женщину, сидевшую в баре; to seat — сидеть, усесться) , walked over (подошел) to her and kissed her (поцеловал) . She jumped up (вскочила) and slapped him (ударила, дала пощечину; slap — пощечина, шлепок) . He immediately (немедленно, тут же) apologized (извинился) and explained (объяснил) , "I'm sorry (простите) . I thought (я думал) you were my wife (вы моя жена) . You look exactly like her (вы выглядите в точности как она) ."

"Why you worthless (никчемный; worth — ценность, стоимость) , insufferable (невыносимый, невозможный; to suffer — страдать; терпеть, сносить) , wretched (жалкий) , no good drunk! (негодный пьяница) " she screamed (завопила, закричала) .

"Funny (забавно) ," he muttered (пробормотал) , "you even sound exactly like her (вы даже "звучите" точно как она) ."

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

I'm sorry.

You look exactly like her.

Funny.

Two guys were in a bar (два парня были в баре) , and they were both watching the television (оба смотрели телевизор) when the news came on (когда начались новости /to come-came-come — приходить/) . It showed (показали) a guy on a bridge (парня на мосту) who was about to jump (который собирался прыгнуть) , obviously suicidal (очевидно самоубийца; suicidal — самоубийственный [sjuI'saIdl]; suicide — самоубийство) .

"I'll bet you $10 he'll jump (ставлю 10 долларов — он прыгнет; to bet — держать пари) ," said the first guy (сказал первый) .

"Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy (ставлю 10 долларов — он этого не сделает) .

Then (затем, потом) , the guy on the television closed his eyes (закрыл глаза) and threw himself off the bridge (бросился с моста /to throw-threw-thrown — бросать, кидать/) . The second guy hands (вручает, передает) the first guy the money (деньги) .

"I can't take your money (я не могу взять /твои/ деньги) ," said the first guy. "I cheated you ( я надул тебя) . The same story (та же самая история) was on the five o'clock news (была в пятичасовых новостях) ."

"No, no. Take it (нет-нет, возьми /их/) ," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too (я тоже видел пятичасовые новости) . I just didn't think (просто я не думал) the guy was dumb enough (настолько туп) to jump again! (чтобы прыгнуть снова) "

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.

"I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy.

"Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."

"No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

I'll bet you $10 he'll jump.

A circus owner (владелец цирка) walked into a bar (зашел в бар) to see (посмотреть, увидеть; здесь: и увидел) everyone crowded about a table (все столпились около стола) watching a little show (наблюдая маленькое шоу) . On the table (на столе) was an upside down pot (был перевернутый горшок) and a duck tap dancing on it (утка, отбивающая чечетку на нем; tap — легкий стук, слабый удар; подметка, набойка на каблуке; чечетка) . The circus owner was so impressed (был настолько впечатлен) that he offered (предложил) to buy the duck from its owner (купить утку у ее владельца) . After some wheeling and dealing (после делового разговора; to wheel and deal — обделывать делишки, судить-рядить) they settled for $10,000 (они сошлись на 10000$; to settle — устанавливать) for the duck and the pot (за утку и горшок) .

Three days later (три дня спустя) the circus owner runs back (прибегает назад) to the bar in anger (в гневе) , "Your duck is a ripoff! (совершенно негодная: «бросовая вещь»; to rip — разрезать, отрывать; to rip off — сдирать) I put (я поставил /to put-put-put — класть, ставить/) him on the pot before a whole audience (перед всей публикой; audience ['O:dj@ns]) , and he didn't dance a single step! (совсем не танцевала; не сделала ни единого шага) "

"So? (так, здесь: да?) " asked (спросил) the duck’s former (прежний) owner, "did you remember (вы не забыли; to remember — помнить) to light the candle under the pot? (зажечь свечу под горшком) "

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the duck’s former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

It is a ripoff!

A man went into a bar in a high rise (человек вошел в бар в приподнятом настроении) . He saw another man take a pill (он видел, как другой принимает таблетку) , take a drink (запивает) , walk to the window (подходит к окну) and jump out (выпрыгивает) . He flew around (покружил: «полетал вокруг» /to fly-flew-flown/) for a minute (с минуту) and zipped (молнией влетел: to zip — застегивать на молнию; промелькнуть) back into the bar.