Valentin Krasnogorov - THEATER PLAYS

PROFESSOR. Exactly right. It is me who said it.

GIRL. I didn’t know that.

PROFESSOR. There are still many things you don’t know.

GIRL. So let's study. I’m very curious. Let’s start right now.

PROFESSOR. Good. We shall begin by checking your sexuality.

The GIRL starts to undress.

No, don’t undress! It’s not necessary.

GIRL. (Disappointedly) . Not necessary? Then how will you check me?

PROFESSOR. I have a special system of tests. Sit down facing me and concentrate.

They sit down opposite each other.

Are you ready?

GIRL. Yes.

PROFESSOR. (Takes out a pen. ) Tell me, what does this pen remind you of?

GIRL. Sex.

PROFESSOR. Very interesting. Well, what does this armchair remind you of?

GIRL. Sex.

PROFESSOR. What? Sex again? But why?!

GIRL. Everything reminds me of sex.

PROFESSOR. But tell me what an armchair has to do with to sex?

GIRL. Oh, it has a lot to do with sex. If you only knew, professor, how many of my fantasies involve an armchair! Unfortunately, they’re only fantasies and not memories.

PROFESSOR. I am giving you the highest score! A hundred points. You have a rich imagination.

GIRL. I have a normal imagination. The trembling sails full of desire to be opened and give themselves up to the wind; the ray of sunshine piercing the moist depth of the sea; the clouds merging with each other; the train confidently entering the tunnel; the smokestack of a power plant; the trunk of a poplar; a candle – all of these represent the same thing to me. A carrot is a man; a turnip, a woman. A banana is a man, too – what a man! And potatoes, beet, apples, porridge – all of these are women.

PROFESSOR. You have amazing abilities. I need to learn from you, not you from me.

GIRL. The sister says that I am crazy.

PROFESSOR. Forget the sister. Trust me. You are normal. She isn’t.

GIRL. I live in a world of symbols: a spoon and a plate…

PROFESSOR. (Joining in) .… a cylinder and a piston…

GIRL.… a ring and a finger…

PROFESSOR.… an arm and a sleeve…

GIRL.… a seed and the soil…

PROFESSOR.… a blade and a sheath…

GIRL.… a key and a lock…

PROFESSOR.… all these are symbols of the eternal union of man and woman. Each is meaningless and impossible without the other.

GIRL. Don’t stop talking! It’s getting me so excited!

PROFESSOR. Tell me, what do you know about sex? No, let me put it another way. What don’t you know yet about sex?

GIRL. I have to admit, I don’t know what sex is at all. I’ve never had it. That’s why it’s so interesting to me.

PROFESSOR. We shall start having it, and we shall have it for a very long time, all day long, from morning till evening, and from evening till morning, and you will learn everything. We’ll start right now.

GIRL. Now? I’m afraid we can’t do it now.

PROFESSOR. Why?

GIRL. We can’t do it here.

PROFESSOR. I know. But why not try?

GIRL. (Looking around and lowering her voice.) Can you keep a secret?

PROFESSOR. Yes. But you’d better not tell it to me anyway.

GIRL. No, I’ll tell you. I want to escape.

PROFESSOR. You, too? Where will you go?

GIRL. Where everything is different. And why do you say, “you, too”? Do you want to escape, too?

PROFESSOR. Who doesn’t?

GIRL. Then we will run away together, while we have the chance.

PROFESSOR. Dear, how can I run away? I don’t run anymore, I shuffle. I don’t breathe, I gasp for breath. A few steps more and my run on this earth will be finished.

GIRL. Oh, don’t talk about these awful things! Follow my example and think only of sex. Think about it all the time, so you won’t think about anything else. Do you understand me? I forbid you to think about anything else. We’ll run away from here, and you’ll live another thousand years. Are you ready to go?

PROFESSOR. (Stretching out his hand.) With you – to the ends of the earth.

GIRL. Let's leave at once, right now, without losing a moment, not stopping, not looking back, otherwise it will be too late. (She pulls the Professor toward the exit, but he stops suddenly.)

PROFESSOR. Wait! I just remembered; I can’t.

GIRL. Why? Are you afraid?

PROFESSOR. I am. But that’s not the point.

GIRL. What then?

PROFESSOR. I just promised a lady that I would run away with her.

GIRL. So…?

PROFESSOR. I ought to at least explain to her…

GIRL. Why do you think you have to explain anything? Are you the first man to leave a woman?

PROFESSOR. No, but…

GIRL. Did you have an affair with her?

PROFESSOR. Not exactly, but…

GIRL. Whether you did or didn’t, it doesn’t matter. Sex is no reason to talk things over or prolong a relationship.

PROFESSOR. But since we’ve gotten to know each other…

GIRL. (Interrupting). So what? Sex is no cause for acquaintance. But if you’re so scrupulous, leave her a note. Get out your remarkable pen. Write: (Dictates) . “My dear, don’t worry. I have run away with another woman. I won’t be back anytime soon.”.

PROFESSOR. (Gets out his pen and starts writing, then stops.) I should tell her myself. Or maybe the three of us could run away together?

GIRL. Will she agree?

PROFESSOR. Why not?

GIRL. A threesome is not so interesting.

PROFESSOR. On the contrary, it can be even more interesting.

GIRL. Well then, go and talk to her. I’ll wait here. But don’t leave me alone for long! I hate being alone. It makes me feel sick.

PROFESSOR. I’ve been sick of being alone for a long time now.

PROFESSOR leaves. HUSBAND enters.

HUSBAND. Let’s have sex.

GIRL. OK.

HUSBAND. I’m serious.

GIRL. I could tell right away that you’re not joking. (Starts to unbutton her dress.) Well?

HUSBAND. Right now?

GIRL. Certainly not tomorrow.

HUSBAND. Right here?

GIRL. Where else?

HUSBAND. Who will start first?

GIRL. Don’t we have to do it together?

HUSBAND. Yes, but somebody has to take the initiative.

GIRL. You have already done it. You offered; I agreed. Now it’s your turn again.

HUSBAND. What should I do?

GIRL. Do what you offered to do, I think.

HUSBAND. That would be great. But I don’t know how to start.

GIRL. That’s the most difficult part.

HUSBAND. What do you suggest?

GIRL. To tell the truth, I don’t have any experience.

HUSBAND. You’ve never had an affair with a man?

GIRL. Never! But men sometimes had an affair with me.

HUSBAND. And how did they start?

GIRL. All sorts of ways.

HUSBAND. I think we’re supposed to talk for a while first.

GIRL. What for?

HUSBAND. I don’t know. That’s how it’s done.

GIRL. What should we talk about?

HUSBAND. I don’t know. Books, movies, painting…

GIRL. And how long do we have to talk?

HUSBAND. I don’t know. It depends.

GIRL. Why not to talk afterwards?

HUSBAND. We can talk afterwards, too, but somehow you don’t want to anymore. Usually the talk comes first.

GIRL. Well, if that’s the way it’s supposed to be, then talk. But make it quick.

Pause.

HUSBAND. Under other circumstances I would offer to take you out to a cafe.

GIRL. Thanks. I already had a cup of coffee today. I thought you were proposing something else.

HUSBAND. That offer remains valid.

GIRL. So, what’s the matter?

HUSBAND. You see, sex should not begin from the end; it should begin from the beginning. There should be a resistance, there should be a struggle, and there should be a victory. That’s what brings satisfaction.

GIRL. We have resistance. On your part.

HUSBAND. I’m not resisting.

GIRL. Oh really? Are you being aggressive, then? Well, I surrender. It’s impossible to resist you. So, we’ve had resistance; we’ve had victory; now it’s time for satisfaction.

HUSBAND. But first let's talk.

GIRL. Haven’t we talked already?

HUSBAND. We haven’t even started to talk.

GIRL. Is that so? Well then, let's talk.

Pause.

HUSBAND. What will we talk about?

GIRL. Tell me about your Don Juan list of conquests. I suppose it’s incredibly long.

HUSBAND. Yes, I have a lot to tell …

GIRL. Well, how many women have you had? Tell the truth. Twenty? Thirty? A hundred?

HUSBAND. Maybe more… (After a pause.) To tell the truth though, not quite that many.

GIRL. Well then, how many? Ten?

HUSBAND. Not quite.

GIRL. Less than ten? And you call that a list? Still, I want to know, how many? Nine? Eight?

HUSBAND. (Reflecting). Including my wife?

GIRL. On the Don Juan list? Absolutely not. You can only include women on the list; is your wife really a woman to you?

HUSBAND. Then… I have to admit… I… I don’t have a Don Juan list. I mean, I do have a list, but there are no women on it.

GIRL. So get started it!

HUSBAND. Right here?

GIRL. Yes, right here, right now.

HUSBAND. You know, right here, just like that, it doesn’t seem right.

GIRL. What do you mean, “just like that”?! We’ve already been talking for five or ten minutes now!

HUSBAND. That’s not much. Imagine that you’re about to start traveling across a country that is completely new to you. Is your purpose just to reach the final point? No. You will be looking forward to the whole journey, from beginning to end, over all the hills and valleys, cliffs and canyons, roads and trails. Or, if you open a new book, will you start reading from the last page? Without a beginning there is no plot, without a plot there is no climax. And do you think that the goal of a climber is just to be on top without making the climb? Without having to make an effort, without the climb, there is no summit point, no climax.

GIRL. I’ll have a climax. But, of course, it depends on you to some extent. So let’s have sex, finally!

HUSBAND. But we are already having it!

GIRL. Really? I am an inexperienced girl, and easy to fool, but it seems to me that we’re doing something else.

HUSBAND. Sex is not what you think, it’s not just the last fifteen minutes. It’s not the curtain falling at the end of the last act; it’s a drama that has to be played out from beginning to end. Words, gestures, looks, serenades, flowers, gifts, advances, retreats, proposals, evasions – they all are a part of the great game called sex. It’s a ceremony, a series of rituals as old as the rutting of deer or the mating dance of cranes. It is a way of life, the foundation of culture. Fine clothes are not just worn to be taken off at the right moment. The most refined rules of etiquette, novels and poems, the sighs of violins and songs of flutes, pictures and sculptures of the beautiful Venus – all of these are created to convey the yearning of body and soul.

GIRL. Listen…

HUSBAND. No, you listen to me! What an intricate interrelation of the sexes mankind has devised! Certain parts of the body are concealed. Different clothes for different sexes. Different standards of behavior for men and women. The “strong heroic man” and the “weak fragile woman.” Don’t you see that none of this is accidental? It all fits together, doesn’t it?

GIRL. Are you all right?

HUSBAND. What do you mean?

GIRL. You’re acting as though you’re from the century before last. You talk too much.

HUSBAND. You oversimplify life.

GIRL. And you make it too complicated. Sex is a very useful, very simple and very necessary thing. Unfortunately, people go about this simple, pleasant and useful act in complicated, roundabout ways and spend a lot of effort, time and money on it. Why not simply approach someone, give them a big smile, stretch your hand and say, “Let’s have sex!” Like saying, “Good morning” or “Good night.” And how can it be a good night without sex?