Maxim Titovets - TWO PLAYS. MAIDEN FOREST. THE ADVENTURES OF YUMI

© Maxim Titovets, 2021

ISBN 978-5-0053-7803-3

Created with Ridero smart publishing system

MAXIM TITOVETS

TWO PLAYS

www.maximtitovets.com

maxtitovets@mail.ru

Maksim Titovets

The Maiden Forest

A play in two acts

Translated by Ekaterina Zudova

Dedicated to

Vasily Radchenko, Anastasia Semenova

«Envy is a time bomb. There is no such thing as unfortunate love since only lack of love can be unfortunate. You can’t be really happy unless you love and are loved in return». Maxim Titovets, 2019.

CHARACTERS

The action takes place in Russia.

Scene 1

June. Pentecost.

Early morning. Fyodor Kolosov’s summer cottage in the Maiden Forest settlement.

In the center of the stage is an open-air summer terrace with a wooden table, a bench, and several chairs. The front lawn is covered in grass. There is a flowerbed. On the left, there is an old apple tree and high fence with a gate, the exit into the street. Fyodor’s two-story house is on the right. A paved path runs from the porch. A carved wooden signpost stands near the path featuring the following signs: «Banya – 12 meters», «Water well – 15 meters», «New York – 8,321 km», «Tokyo – 6,132 km». A birch grove can be seen in the background.

Tatyana leaves Fyodor’s house. She comes up to the gate, turns around, and looks at the house, tidying up her hair. Fyodor opens a window on the first floor. Tatyana waves at him and leaves through the gate.

Fyodor leaves the window wings a little ajar and goes out on the porch. He is bare-chested and strongly built. He comes up to the washstand near the gazebo, humming an unsophisticated melody, washes his face and hands, grunts loudly. Then he takes a towel off the hook and wipes his face, chest, shoulders, and back. He puts the towel back. He does some morning exercises as he is going back inside.

Venya and Alexey walk up to the gate. Venya wears a trendy T-shirt with a print, a lightweight jacket, and jeans. A small bright backpack is slung over his one shoulder. Alexey is dressed in a decent-looking summer suit, with a hat on his head. He carries a small traveling bag.

Venya.He put up a new fence. How can I even get it open? [He keeps charging at the gate but cannot open it.] Alexey, give me a hand!

Alexey.Hang tight, Veniamin. [He gently pulls the gate open and lets Venya inside.]

Venya.Mer-see boh-koo, mon amee.

Alexey.Move it, Frenchman. I’m famished.

Venya.There, what did I tell you? We should have taken some sandwiches with us!

Alexey.So why haven’t you?

Venya.I didn’t feel like bothering with it. [He gets an apple out of his backpack and a penknife from his pocket, cuts the apple in two, pockets the knife again, and offers half an apple to Alexey.] Help yourself.

Alexey.Meat is what I want.

Venya.Fyodor must be cooking breakfast for us. [He takes out a mobile phone and presses the call button.] Hi, mom. We are here. Yes, everything is as planned. Love you.

Alexey.Lizaveta Nikitichna must be worried about her sonny Venya.

Venya.Oh, come on, give it a rest. She asked me to phone her when we arrive.

Alexey.And why did we have to come here so early in the first place?

Venya.The early bird gets the worm.

Alexey.But it’s the second mouse who gets the cheese.

They approach the front door. Venya is munching on his apple. He tries to get inside but Alexey holds him back.

Venya.What’s up?

Alexey.Let’s knock on the window first.

Venya.Why bother?

Alexey.What if he is with a woman?

Venya.My foot!

Alexey.Just to be on the safe side, Venya.

Venya.Our Fyodor lives a hermit monk’s life.

Alexey. [Giving Venya a shove and forcing him downstairs.] «Peace, peace, Mercutio, peace. Thou talk’st of nothing…»

Venya comes down from the porch, steps up to the window, and taps on the glass with his knuckles.

Venya.Anybody home?

Fyodor opens the front door and goes out on the porch. He is dressed in a striped vest and holds an electric shaver in his hand.

Fyodor.What’s up with you, fellas? The door is open.

Alexey.Hi there, Fyodor.

Fyodor.Alexey, what’s new? [They hug.]

Venya.Ah, we knocked just to be on the safe side. What if you are with a lady? [He sneaks a glance over Fyodor’s shoulder, trying to see if someone else is inside.]

Fyodor.A lady from Haiti! Fiction-mongers. [He puts the shaver away.]

Venya.Feeling funny in the morning.

Alexey.You’re just hungry, I guess.

Venya.We had a three mile foot-slog. Je ne mange pas six jours!

Fyodor [To Alexey.] Where is your driver?

Alexey.I gave him a day off. This proletarian had an urge to get here today by a suburban train.

Venya.You should be a man of the people, Mister Former Deputy.

Alexey.Eat your heart out, Comrade Former Komsomol Leader. Your time is over.

Venya.Mon tam viend-rah!

Alexey.I doubt even a French teacher can help him.

Fyodor.Enough of this dogfight, fellas. Break! Let’s get some breakfast.

Venya.He keeps teasing me! About the teacher. Maybe I would like to marry a rich French madame?

Alexey.A bloody bridegroom…

Venya.Opportunist!

Alexey.Look at a conformist’s talking.

As the three of them get to the house porch, Natalia approaches the gate.

Venya.Oh wow! Heave ho! Jiggers, fellas.

Alexey.Who is she?

Venya.Some pretty young lady.

Fyodor.Hold on a sec. We’re going to figure it out.

Natalia.You don’t have a dog, do you? I’ll drop in. [She enters Fyodor’s garden plot and approaches the house.] Morning.

Fyodor.Hello there!

Venya.Bon-zhoor!

Natalia.Good morning. [She nods to Alexey and Veniamin, they bow to her, both pleased as dogs with two tails.] I am sorry to come so early in the morning. Hope I don’t disturb you.

Alexey.We are in the Maiden Forest, after all. Beautiful ladies are always welcome!

Natalia.Thank you. My name is Natalia.

Fyodor.Nice to meet you, Natalia. I am Fyodor. And these are my friends. [Nodding at Venya and Alexey.] Alexey Khromov and Veniamin… What is your last name, Venya?

Venya.Veniamin Frostin. [He holds out his hand to Natalia, she gives it a shake.] Enchanté, Natalia.

Fyodor.Veniamin… oh dear.

Alexey.Nice to meet you, Natalia. [He gently pushes Venya aside and holds out his hand to Natalia, she shakes it as well.]

Natalia.Oh. So much attention. You’re making me blush.

Fyodor.We do love guests.

Alexey.Your face seems somehow very familiar.

Natalia.You are mistaken, Alexey. We have never met before.

Fyodor.Natalia, what brings you to my humble dwelling today?

Venya.Kes-keu-seh?

Natalia.My female friend and I are going to the Sunny Beach Recreation Center. GPS navigator showed the shortest route which runs through your settlement.

Fyodor.So, you came here with a friend?

Alexey and Venya exchange meaningful glances and say in unison:

Venya, Alexey.And where is she?

Natalia.She is in the car.

Alexey.Curious.

Natalia.Our car got a flat. We tried to pump the tire up with a compressor but failed.

Venya.It might have been punctured.

Fyodor.Have you got a spare?

Natalia.We can’t get it out.

Fyodor.Well, this can be easily mended. Fellas, go eat your breakfast while I have a look.

Alexey.Yeah, right. Just for the record, Natalia, in my younger days, after I left the army, I had spent two years working in a tire shop.

Natalia.You can call me Natasha.

Alexey.And you can call me Alexey. Where is your car?

Natalia.Around the corner. In the next street.

Venya.I’ll come with you!

Fyodor.What would we do without you?

Alexey.Venya is notorious for being a bungler.

Venya . Natalia, everything will be treh bi-ahn! [He takes off his backpack, casually throws it on the bench in the gazebo, and gestures to the gate, asking Natalia to follow.]

Fyodor, Natalia, and Venya head towards the exit into the street.

Alexey . Fyodor, where can I put my things? [Nodding at his traveling bag.]

Fyodor.Bring them in. There is no one around.

Alexey enters the house and almost immediately appears again, without his traveling bag and jacket, rolling up his shirt sleeves. Fyodor, Venya, and Natalia wait for Alexey by the gate. Then all of them go outside.

Alexey.Let’s go. Natasha, show us the way.

Venya.Let me share a joke. A while back Chapayev and Petka were crossing the Israeli border…

The four of them leave.

As soon as they pass out of sight, Moray and Artyom appear on the other side of the street. They approach the gate and pass through it. Moray keeps watch at the gate. Artyom quickly approaches the house, enters by the unlocked door. He spends some time inside, then goes out with a cased hunting rifle in his hands and a box of bullets in the welt pocket of his jacket and comes back to the gate.

Moray.Nicely done, Jacket!

Artyom.Keep under the radar, Moray.

Artyom and Moray go off in the same direction they came from.

Scene 2

The same morning. Moray’s house next street from Fyodor’s house.

Chopper is sitting in an armchair and fiddling around with an old mobile phone.