Maxim Titovets - TWO PLAYS. MAIDEN FOREST. THE ADVENTURES OF YUMI

Alexey.Here we go, the blessed fool is whinging again.

Fyodor.Alexey, stop that!

Venya.Women loathe me. My colleagues despise me. My friends are always laughing at me.

Fyodor.Stop your nonsense, Veniamin, would you? You are a great friend.

Venya.I’m living paycheck to paycheck. I hate my job and count the days till my retirement. I could have become a Doctor of Science!

Alexey.Do it now. Earn some money!

Fyodor.Here we go again.

Alexey.Instead of traipsing around motivation courses, finally take the responsibility for your own life.

Fyodor.Veniamin, whatever man has done, man may do. Someone still has to teach university students.

Venya.Actually, Alexey is right…

Alexey.Well, Veniamin, I’m sorry. I’ve been too hasty. [He comes up to Venya and hugs him.]

Venya.Only fools rely on their present-day superiority. When flood comes the fish eat the ants. But when water dries the ants eat the fish.

Alexey.There’s my dear philosopher, Augustine! I love you so much for that. [He hugs and kisses Venya, the latter tries to kick him off.]

Fyodor.You are just like children, really.

Alexey.Don’t worry, Venya, we will find you a woman. With breasts this big!

Venya.That’s what I love.

Alexey.Did you see the way Natasha’s friend looked at you this morning?

Venya.Oh yes, yes, yes! A gorgeous girl. Oon bell fam!

Fyodor.You are at it again, Don Juans.

Alexey. [To Venya.] What is her name?

Venya.Khlora!

Alexey.A hot little number!

Venya.Do you think it’s her real name?

Alexey.Who cares? She is what you need!

Venya. [Singing in a soft voice.] «I sought my love in the maiden forest.»

Alexey. [Singing along with Venya.] « With a mocking singer, I spent the night in a stack…»

Fyodor.The girls were just kidding! They didn’t want to bother with the tire. So they found us, old fools, to help them put the spare on.

Venya.Hey ho. We should have asked their phone numbers.

Alexey.You’re right, buddy, we failed at that.

Fyodor.They must be enjoying their drinks while sitting in their bungalows on this Sunny Beach. And mocking at you.

Venya.Alexey! Why should you have to let the driver go?

Alexey.Look who woke up, an old ladies’ man.

Pause.

Alexey.Fyodor, is this Sunny Beach far from here?

Fyodor.It’s about twenty kilometers as the crow flies. If you and Venya hit the road now, you’ll get there right in time for dinner. It will make the girls’ day!

Alexey.Funny as a crutch.

Venya.Treh bi-ahn! Ha-ha-ha.

Alexey.And I am telling you that they will come here tonight!

Venya.You got it!

Fyodor.You are nothing but sexual maniacs.

Alexey.They will leave the ride there and come back by taxi. Natasha promised me.

Venya.Fyodor, do you have a razor? I should scrape my chin.

Fyodor.You are handsome just the way you are, Venya.

Alexey.I once knew a woman. She was a teacher at school. And she loved when I moved my unshaven jaw across her back, between the shoulder blades.

Venya.Boy oh boy!

Fyodor.Ugh… spare me the details, gentlemen. [He goes inside.]

Venya.So, Alexey, does it really work with the unshaven jaw?

Alexey.Depends on a girl.

Fyodor comes back with a large bottle of cold beer.

Fyodor.Dear soldiers of the dating front, let me offer you some refreshment. [He pours the beer into the mugs.]

Venya.A cold one!

Fyodor.I wanted to ask you to come hunt with me tomorrow. Shoot a boar maybe. I even took the rifle with me for such an occasion. [The three of them clink their mugs and drink beer.]

Venya.Gosh, it’s so good! And we’ve got our own hunt here.

Alexey.Yep! [He does duck lips.] A duck hunt!

Venya.Yes! Yes. We are ducks, decoy ducks.

Venya and Alexey quack, imitate ducks with their walk and movements. Meanwhile, Tatyana approaches the gate, enters Fyodor’s garden plot, and walks towards the house. The men don’t see her.

Tatyana.Hello there!

Venya.Oh! It worked! Hello there!

Alexey.Hello, mysterious stranger.

Fyodor.Tatyana. I’m glad you dropped in. May I introduce my friends: Donald Duck and Launchpad McQuack.

Alexey.Alexey and Veniamin. It’s a pleasure to meet you.

Venya.Tatyana, enchanté! My friends call me Venya.

Tatyana.Nice to meet you, jolly fellows.

Fyodor.Are you here for a reason?

Venya and Alexey exchange quizzical looks.

Tatyana.I’m going grocery shopping in town. Just came by to ask if you need anything.

Fyodor.No, I think we are good.

Ignatych enters the garden plot, walks towards the terrace.

Ignatych.Hello, summerfolk! Happy Pentecost Sunday!

Tatyana.Hello, Mikhail Ignatych. Same to you.

Fyodor.Hi, Ignatych. How’s retired life treating you?

Ignatych.Everything is fine, but it’s not something to envy. Have you heard the news? The word is that they want to raise the retirement age. To sixty-five years old for men. And to the gills for women.

Venya.Codswallop, I say! People don’t even live this long.

Alexey.They want to raise it and they will. And we will live a European life.

Ignatych.Uh-huh. A European life. And those who don’t make it to retirement will be cremated and continue working inside hourglasses.

Venya steps aside towards the house, paces out the distance from the gazebo to the house, then from the porch to the directional signpost. Fyodor takes the beer bottle and pours the beer into a clean mug.

Fyodor.Help yourself, Ignatych. Fresh and cold.

Ignatych takes the mug and drinks.

Fyodor. [To Tatyana.] I remembered: Buy a loaf of dark rye bread, please, would you?

Tatyana.Alright. I’ll get it here tonight.

Ignatych puts the empty mug on the table.

Ignatych.Here’s what I’ve come to tell you, Fyodor. I went to get some water from the well this morning. And as I was going back, I saw three men standing in the next street. One of them was Ivan Moray. He got out of jail this spring. Another one was someone with a false gold tooth capping. And the third one… I’ve immediately recognized him: It was Artyom, your stepson.

Fyodor.Artyom? That’s odd.

Alexey.What a surprise!

Ignatych.I’m sure it was him. I have a good memory for faces.

Fyodor.He must have got parole.

Tatyana.Fyodor, isn’t it dangerous? You told me that Artyom threatened you.

Fyodor.Let’s see them try to come here. I have enough bullets for all of them.

Alexey.You can’t shoot down all the fools.

Ignatych.I’ve deliberately walked past Moray’s house now. All clear.

Fyodor.Thank you, Ignatych.

Tatyana.Maybe they left?

Ignatych.Maybe they did. Who knows what these junkies are up to. Fyodor, just keep in mind that your stepson is roaming free with some crooks in tow. Take care!

Khlora.I’m scared, Natasha. I am so scared…

Natalia.Khlora, it’s too late to change your mind.

Khlora.I didn’t sign up for murder!

Natalia fetches a slap across Khlora’s face.

Natalia.Shut up, you fool of a woman. Are you suicidal? Chopper won’t just let us go.

Khlora.Chopper, this god damned cop, did schmooze you too. Are you fearing for your daughter’s life?

Natalia.I’ll go to any lengths for the sake of my Svetlana. Any.

Khlora.Oh please, Natasha, let me go. Honest to God, I won’t tell anyone!

Natalia.God can hardly help us now.

Khlora.What should we do then?

Natalia.Listen, Khlora. Just do what you should do.

Khlora.It’s terrifying.

Natalia.You will get some money, find a good hospital for your father. Think of yourself too. This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance!

Khlora.It’s like jumping into the deep end.

Natalia.Here, take it. You are going to add one tablet to Veniamin’s drink. He stared at you so longingly this morning.

Khlora.A funny old chap. [She takes the tablets and puts them in her pocket.]

Natalia.I will handle Alexey. We will get the job done and make enough money for years ahead. Chopper delivers on his promises.

Khlora.Chopper is a douchebag. A werewolf! Why did Ivan even consort with him?

Natalia.Don’t be afraid. Chopper is dancing to someone else’s pipe too.

Khlora.If only I knew who is the boss.

Natalia.The less you know, the longer you live. We’ll put those old men to sleep and you and Moray will get your fair share. You will be able to skip this town forever. And I will get my daughter back.

Khlora.Easier said than done. And what if those old guys die? This would make me a sinner.

Natalia.There is no repentance without a sin.

Khlora.And if we repent, will we be saved?

Pause.

Natalia.Have you already told Moray?

Khlora. [She lays her hands upon her belly but quickly takes them off.] No. Ivan doesn’t know anything.

Natalia.It’s for the best. You will tell him the good news when it’s all over.

Khlora.He swears by God that he loves me. A funny little fellow.

Natalia.Think about your future, Khlora.

Khlora.No one ever loved me.

Natalia.You’ve got a chance to hit the jackpot.

Khlora.They all just used me.

Natalia.Soon you will take everything you ever wanted from life and even more!

Khlora.But Ivan loves me.