Nikolay Lakutin - Personal ad. A play for 5.6 or 7 people

SANEK (smiling contentedly): What are you, old boy! Where are you without your old friend, who is wise with bitter experience in the field of gender relations? Of course, I will help, I have already made some sketches, so to speak, options. Are we going to place an online Dating ad?

YURA (delovo): Well, where else? Not on a fence like in the middle ages…

SANYA (business): There! I figured out how to correctly compose the ad text to, you know – catch! To attract! To catch a girl on the hook, with whom you will then spend your whole life swimming in the ocean of passion!

YURA (rather admiringly): That's what an experienced friend means! As I said! Come on, come on. What are the two options you came up with?

Sanek is all of himself, he feels the master of the situation, he is the "king of the world".

SANYA (business): So, we need to show your strengths, in the most attractive light to present to the court of girls singles, or not singles, this is already… you know, everything happens, your person. So. Option one!

YURA (intrigued): So?

SANEK (pathos): Experienced alpha male, in the Prime of life, the owner of excellent health and a well-proven genotype is looking for a worthy candidate for the post of a faithful reliable life partner!

Sanek pauses, waiting for a reaction.

Yura looks at him indifferently.

SANEK (pathos): What is it?

SANEK (disappointed, drooping): Listen well… I don't know, of course, what's wrong with the genotype. About health-well… unless … Yes, I am not exhausted by work, but I would hardly be accepted into the Olympic reserve, as if… everything is not so smooth for me. And the last-a seasoned alpha male! I have no idea what to do with the girl, how to go where and what Makar, and how to get to the stage of relevance of this issue? What kind of alpha am I? Where did you find the male in me? (embarrassed) No, thank you very much, but that's not true, is it?

SANEK (cheerfully, fervently): Ha, yurok, made me laugh. Who writes the truth in ads on Dating sites? And in General, in principle, in ads. This is the most that neither is advertising! And advertising works only when it is able to convince the layman that this product, product, service or… (takes a breath, points at a friend) in this case, a person, just needs it! We need to make you the kind of macho that hundreds of women, thousands of girls, and maybe even a dozen men want.

Sanek twists his smile, jokingly shows his tongue.

Yura shudders at the last thing he heard. His face reflects a pre-vomiting state.

SANEK (fun, fervently): Yes kidding, relax, (with podkovyrkoy) although…

Yura's look makes it clear that he does not intend to joke, not in the mood.

SANEK: Okay. A lot will depend on the quality of your profile photo!

YURA (fearfully): A..... is it necessary?

SANEK (hovering): Of course! This is almost the main point! The most important first factor that will determine whether you will begin to study in detail or immediately scroll through the General pile of questionnaires.

YURA (uncertainly): Listen, well… well, what about the soul there, interests… essence of man. You can't just judge by appearances!

SANEK (sarcastically): Yes? You flipped through these sites last week in front of me! I saw you looking for your soul mate there, brushing aside all those who did not fit the category, not even miss city or region, but something even miss world or miss universe did not suit you according to your profile photo! Well… and do I tell you?

YURA (indignantly): This is different! After all, I am a man, it is important to me that my girlfriend was beautiful!

SANEK (with sarcasm): And … you mean, it is important that the girl was beautiful, well-groomed and so on, and the girl, do you think, does not care what her possible future chosen one looks like? Yes, girls study us even more carefully in this sense, even though they say that appearance is not important. But they say a lot of things, and they've never exchanged me for a handsome man! So…

YURA (waving away, trying to change the subject): Well, all right-all right! I will comb my hair, at least, and it will be more or less…

SANEK (judiciously): Well, at least! Ideally, you should wash your hair, of course, shave, or wear a nice shirt or t-shirt…

YURA (indignantly): What the hell! Are you preparing me for the Paris fashion show?

SANYA (considered): My friend! This is a serious matter, you just don't understand all the details…

YURA (interrupts): Stop-stop-stop! Something we have stalled with these subtleties. We'll deal with the photo later. Give me more options! What else are you up to?

SANEK (judiciously): The second version of the ad is simpler. It sounds something like this (with intrigue, after a pause): "An imposing man with a dozen pleasant surprises, looking for an attractive reader to become her Desk book"

Yura thinks about it.

Sanek sees that he was almost in the top ten, he is proud, but silent, waiting.

Yura is calculating something, mimicking something and discussing it to himself. Facial expressions and gestures reflect everything. He likes this option.

SANEK (in anticipation): Well, say something of yourself…

YURA (approvingly): I like it!

SANEK (complacently): Here!

YURA (with curiosity): and you still have there, incorrect, any options were? (parading the Comedy of Gaidai, says in a broken drunken voice) Read out the entire list, please?

SANEK (prevaricating): Well… there were also variations of the first and second versions, their tandem and veiled representation of some phrases in places that do not change the overall meaning as a whole.

YURA (revealing): In General, you did not come up with anything else!

SANEK (prevaricating): … mm… frankly, Yes.

YURA: Okay, I like the second option. An imposing man is a sprawling, broad concept. Who wants to understand this-then let them understand. Something about me will be true.

SANEK (approvingly, supporting, summarizing): Absolutely true to the soul!

Yura gives each other a hand, Sanek responds in kind, they shake hands victoriously, admiring each other!

SANEK (with caviar in his eyes): So! Well, as I understand it, the matter is left to a small one! So, we will make a photo and you can publish it, but for now…

Sanek snaps his fingers, makes a gesture of anticipation, and takes a bottle of spirits from his bosom.

SANEK (festive): TA-dam!

YURA (pleasantly surprised): Oooh…

SANEK (festive): This event should be celebrated! My friend stands on the edge, I would say on the periphery of States of being!

YURA (admiringly): And this, in my opinion, is already a toast!

SANEK (bodro): No doubt, my friend, no doubt!

Yura is hysterically calling for his mother.

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