Павел Миллер - The Power of Time

– I wanted us to spend this New Year together. We had guests over, and my parents didn’t let me out earlier.

– Come in, take your jacket off. Let’s go to the living room.

Max limped to the couch and took a look at the festive table, realizing, that he should eat something. At that time Roman was brining plates, wine glasses, forks and a bottle screw.

– Max, what do you have to drink? Have you got champagne?

– I don’t like it much.

– Let’s get wine then.

– Get some from the bar, – Maxim said, filling up plates with salads, potatoes, chicken and pickles from the bottle.

– What wine would you like to drink? – asked Roman, examining the bar.

Then someone rang the door bell.

– Roman, please get the door, it will take me forever to get there…

Roman left the living room and Max thought about his teacher again and about his dream: "Probably this dream was meant to show me that I need to determine everything myself and take a decision. I need to think more instead of looking for the answer in dreams.".

– Hey, why are you so sad?

The guy who came in had a nickname Redhead Romka. When he came in his laughter entertained Max, so in the moment they were laughing together. Romka’s freckles made Maxim laugh even more, then the lovely color of his hair.

– Great, – said Maxim after calming down. – I’ll be celebrating New Year in the company of two Romans. We got a wonderful male company.

– I brought the wine “Monastery house”. Have you got the bottle screw?

– Roman, I thought you brought it here?

– I don’t remember where I put it down. Is it on the table? – Roman was surprised.

– No, – Max replied. – Bring something from the tools. Let’s invent the bike.

“Monastery house” was over. Redhead Romka left. The other Roman was drunk and left too, leaving Max alone. Wine woke up his appetite. After turning on the TV, Max had a long dinner, listening to various rubbish programs and re-laying his leg from one position to another. He finished a meal, turned off the television, turned on the New Year tree and lied down on the couch to regain strength. He didn’t want to sleep anymore or do anything else: holiday spirit was gone. It left so suddenly, that Max was not ready for it. "Nothing changed, – he thought, – I am still not ready for the situation! May be I am ready, but some strange uncertainty is obstructing me from feeling ready or being confident in success. I should not go with the tide; I need to take part in what is going on in my life. I need to make a contribution…"

Max was glad that his friends did not forget about him at the difficult moment of life and came to congratulate him. It does not matter that they did not stay long, what really matters is the sign of attention, showing that he is needed. May be it means that when we need a person, we lack something that that person has. Max knew that this specific factor connects people, provokes feelings in them. Then, when two completely different people learn something from each other or reach inner harmony, the most important moment takes place. One of them needs to take a decision weather there is a reason for further communication. More often, the answer to that question is negative, so the other person has nothing left rather then to agree to that decision. Yes, it is hard to say good-bye, but it is necessary. Both people understand it deep inside the soul and even regret break-ups, but they keep on saying at the end: "This was meant to be".

One question always tortured Max: when the person is acting unconsciously and goes with the tide, understanding the essence of his actions only after a period of time, is that his strength or his weakness? Only during the life span a person has a chance to perceive his actions fully, even when they repeat constantly and create a certain system. At that specific time a person can see the situation clearly, return to the past, put together all opportunities and take a decision. But at the same time there is a doubt… The system seems to control a person when he can’t even understand, weather he created it, or just lives under its control? Maxim did not know if it was strength or weakness. May be it was something else, different from those concepts?

Svetlana was still very weak but she decided to go outside: it was necessary to go to the store to get some food. She was getting ready for a long time, listening to her husband’s objections, but she was tired of staying at home. It was not difficult to get down the steps, but the head was spinning a little. “Probably it is from overworking, – she thought. Walking down the street, Svetlana felt totally different from the change of the environment: much more peaceful and free. She stopped near her porch, breathing slowly, getting used to the cold air and calming down the dizziness. It was strange to look at the surrounding and see the road, benches, trees, blue sky and clear white snow, which was still everywhere and crunched under feet. Svetlana was totally calm. Before, when she did not like someone’s actions, words, or even the weather, she felt frustrated and was loosing control. Nothing seemed to go right so she started to raise voice and yell. She suffered from that, not understanding what is wrong with her. These negative emotions, anxiety, and inner suffering combine together, growing stronger with every new incident. There is no energy for fighting them and no way to change the situation. Svetlana used to get intimidated and say: "This is it! I can’t live like that any more!" No one could hear her words and help her. She could not help herself either, or may be simply did not want to do it. She agreed to that and decided that things would never change at that moment, standing near a porch, Svetlana thought that her problems were insignificant, even though not long ago they meant a world to her. It was clear to her that all sufferings, disappointing her so much, were taking place because of her own insecurity. Instead of telling her husband about her wish to have another child and spending ten minutes for this conversation, she spent ten years for torturing herself! Every moment, remembering her wish, she suffered and blamed her husband. Emotions were raging so much, that it was hard to stay still and be in control.

Only Maxim’s love created some relief. However, the more she was falling in love with him, the more she realized that they could not be together. He will leave her life forever very soon. This thought created a strange impact on her: all the feelings that she had started to grow stronger. At those moments it seemed that she was constantly under control of different emotions and her behaviour was changing every ten minutes. That was really strange and she did not know what to think of that. What she saw and observed made her think, that may be she was not just concerned with something. May be she was mentally ill. That was a very scary idea. It was clear that all the disturbing events combined, and their strength reached the highest level. It could not continue like that any more. Some force, invisible and unknown, opposed to the situation. Could the car accident happen because of that and take the dream away? Svetlana realized at that moment how many things in life she was missing. Instead of setting herself free from the chains she created with her own hands, she could not find strength to be in control. Yes, she was wrong, but that does not mean she can leave her mistake without attention. Is that love that is giving her the answers? Is it love that is giving her direction? Svetlana answered that question rather univocally: «No»! However, it seemed that it was love that was giving her the power. Could it be that someone that you adore actually does not care for you much? In this case the feeling is leaving to nowhere, instead of coming back one hundred times stronger. That means… She did not want to make any conclusions. Yes, she felt something, but could it be what she was thinking of, if it brought only misery and pain? At that moment, analyzing the situation, Svetlana finished the phrase with difficulty: «Maxim… loves… me».

That was the first time when she could speak it out openly, not acting against conscience. Now it is necessary to get used to this thought in heart, enjoy it every moment that she has. She should not push the love away, being scared of the wrench of saying goodbye, heartache or publicity. When the person is in love, if he does not reveal the feelings to others, sooner or later it will become obvious anyhow. So what is the reason for all these fears?

Slowly and carefully Svetlana stepped on the clear white snow which fell out at night or at the early morning. Seeing its purity, she understood that from that time on her soul would also be clean and white. Everything which tortured her had left beyond retrieve. Every following step will leave unforgettable trait in her soul, like on the snow, and it won’t be possible to correct it. This thought made her stop, look back and count the steps. She saw twelve. «That is so strange, why there are twelve steps? Is that a sign»? – Svetlana thought and unconsciously made another step. Thirteen! She was petrified: twelve could mean another year! Thirteen – one more month after the car accident. God! It has been exactly one month! That means, that something will happen in exactly one year and one month…” Analyzing this, Svetlana almost reached the store, greeting people she knew along the way. They were stopping, trying to talk to her, but she kept on walking. Svetlana tried not to think of what could happen after a year. She had a good premonition, so she decided to get ready for the positive event, live a new life, enjoying love which warmed her up and gave her strength to change a world around. Svetlana let her thoughts go, making a decision to stay in the world of her fantasies in order to understand herself better. She should have the opportunity to help people around her. That means, she needs to live in two worlds at the same time. “Svetlana, you should not be surprised!” – She said to herself, opening the doors of the store. Then she ran into the man so unexpectedly, that he even dropped his bag. Instead of getting angry, she apologized:

– I am so sorry! I was all in my world!

– No, it is me who needs to apologize! – Svetlana was surprised.

He picked up the products which he dropped, and then dropped them one more time.

– It is so uncomfortable… I would have helped you, but I am not supposed to bend.

– What happened? Unless it is a secret, of course.

– It’s one month since I had a surgery.

– Oh, I suppose you should not be lifting anything heavy. I assume to come to the store to get food?

– Yes, you are correct.

– Since we have met, let me help you to bring them home. Do me a favor and let me give you assistance.

Svetlana said herself again: “Don’t be surprised!” She did not know why she answered:

I would be delighted to accept your offer, but you have enough things to carry yourself. Plus, I am sure you are being waited for at home.

The man started to think, and she noticed that when he suggested help he did not even ask her name.

I got an idea! You can wait for me for about ten minutes, I will bring the groceries home. Then we can shop for what you need and I’ll help you to bring your bags home, ok?

Listening to him, Svetlana did not even know what do say. She became confused, astonished by such attention and care from the stranger. Svetlana made a conclusion, that he is a regular person, just like everyone else; she just never noticed anything before. “May be all people are attentive and caring? Or may be some of them? – Svetlana thought. – All these years I did not see the care. I am not used to such treatment. And now it happened to me".