Yury Gurkov - Note: To read before the wedding

The process of choosing a husband – is the same set of rules and “formulas”, where after the sign “=” should be – Yes, he is the best one. It is a problem without many unknowns. There are more than one or two issues. And there are two golden rules:

1) do not hurry;

2) Check your partner on all counts in order not to marry “a pig in a poke” and clearly understand all your risks and possible future difficulties in every situation: in everyday life, while dealing with important issues such as how and on what spend money, how to spend your free time. Maybe there is a chance that your husband/wife will be an alcoholic or an addicted person. Will your partner make surprises for you or will there be a place for romantic evenings even if you are tired after work? Will he/she support you in your career? And who is the head of the family in the long run? It is not strange that the last theme about the family head is the honey pie for all women. And both partners in the newborn family use their best tactics to win this battle. Let me show you some examples.

It is clear (and almost there is a part of logic) that it should be the man who is the head, and the second role – for the woman. But who said that this simple and plain logic is unambiguous? In fact, it is the cornerstone in all the cracks in the families. There are plenty of combinations even in this issue. And, for example, the man thinks he is a leader, a real head of the family…But! The trickiest girl knows that her partner is only a neck. This means that there is no matter what the head thinks, the neck will turn wherever it wants. But the guy is very much on the ball. He knows that his crush is a bit rustic and knows all her thoughts and intentions. He specifically plays into the hands of her with all “turnings the neck” as if it was she who decided like that. So, the girl relaxes. And at this stage the girl celebrates the victory because she managed to play “the game”. At the same time she took him to the exhibition, against which he was all the previous year. And he thus managed to convince her to go camping for a week, despite the fact that she used to say about such journeys «over my dead body». And who is the simpleton? Who is the winner? It is possible that after such “cruise” she will climb down and allow him to go to the bars once or twice a month. And after two or three glasses of beer he will share his experience of finding compromises with his friends and new acquaintances.

AFTER ALL, TO LIVE WITH ONE PERSON ALL THE LIFE – IS THE HARDEST WORK, CAUSE IN THIS SPHERE YOU HAVE TO BE YOURSELF WITH ALL THE MINUSES AND PLUSES, BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT MANAGE TO HIDE THEM.

I do not think these are all the unknowns in such multilayered task as choosing the right lover for a family life. After all, to live with one person all the life – is the hardest work, cause in this sphere you have to be yourself with all the minuses and pluses, because you will not manage to hide them. And the majority are not ready either for the practical choice, or to assess their future difficulties in relations with your own half, arising from the qualities of your future husband or wife. You are not ready to solve this problem? You have to weigh all the details and check the answers:

– what will happen then, if he already raises his voice in the quarrels?

– what happens if he thinks about the work even on the dates?

– will he take care of me if I have a heavy bag with books and he notice it in hour and a half?

– how it will be – to live with him in one house, if he never offered a help when I was doing some household chores?

– what happens if he is talking with several girls in the chats now, saying they are from the work?

Further all is tedious and banal: if you hastened or missed out some details, – abide by the circumstances, cultivate your best abilities in order to agree well and save your family. Somebody even starts to study psychology at the university, others (due to their characters or philosophy, mindset or something else) shut the door with a bang, leave their families and divorce. Their replies to the simple questions like «What was the big rush?» are the most obscure, they sounds lame in their own ears. It shows that their mind was resting or sleeping in that very moment. But it turns out that without the mind you will not success in choosing your life partner. What are the consequences of the compulsive and reckless love?

Divorce in Russia were rare even 100 years ago. For example, in the pre-revolutionary period, due to the way of life that led most of the population, divorces were an exception:

– The first reason was the farm. It was a kind of a barrier. Women could not do all the work themselves. Farming was the only income for majority, so it was not beneficial to break up with the half;

– The second reason was the church that maintained the value of the family and had negative attitude towards divorce.

The Communist party and the total control of the moral image in the USSR were the next obstacles for those who had decided to come out of relationships. People who were in the parties were afraid of being judged by their colleagues. Over and above, there was the possibility of exclusion from the party because of divorce. Komsomol members were in the similar situation. This ideological press held even those who had real problems in their marriages, those who wanted to break up.

According to statistics the number of divorces after the collapse of the Soviet Union increased 4–5 times. The leading role is taken by Portugal. 67 marriages out of 100 break up. There are also a lot of divorced couples in the Czech Republic, Hungary and Spain – 65 out of 100. USA and Russia have the same number – 57. The best statistics are in Norway, Germany, Australia and Canada. The number of divorces there is less than in the other countries, – only 40 % or a bit more.

Perhaps you should look for a husband in Ireland, if you want to have more guarantees that the marriage will not break up. The Irish get divorced only 15 times out of 100. If you thoroughly prepare your marriage and the marriages of your children, making them strong and stable, the statistics in your country will also change for the better.

Nowadays, in our consumer society, when the desire to have different benefits of civilization – a car, various household appliances, new mobile phones, live and travel on credit – the value of the marriage itself has also become a kind of consumer, not so important. Well, for example – a person got married once, but the cake was dough, so he or she will marry once again or twice. The same thing is with loans. Not all people pay debts on time, having from 3 to 5 at the same time. These people always say: “It is okay. I will pay later.” Oftentimes, this happens with marriages too: people get married quickly as if they are in a hurry, and break up, as if parting with an old smart phone. Now it is almost normal to hear "my daughter divorced her husband or they lived in a civil marriage or after breakup she is alone with the child."

When we have such a statistic we can easily find out some stories about unhappy relationships even in our inner circle. Young people began to perceive divorce as a kind of something normal. But it should not be so. Dead wrong!

Here is the other statistic which shows the relationships between the years lived together and the number of divorces:

1) up to 1 year – 3,6 %;

2) 1–2 years – 16 %;

3) 3–4 years – 18 %;

4) 5–9 years – 28 %;

5) 10–19–22 %;

6) from 20 and more – 12,4 %.

From all these points we can notice that the greatest number of divorces falls on the age of 18–35 years.

Let us examine causes of divorce.

Normally, divorces are initiated by women. Activity among the male half can be seen only after their 50 years. Among the most common causes of family breakups are:

1) The lack of psychological preparedness, incompatibility of partners – 4 7 %;

2) alcohol abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction – 31 %;

3) infidelity, betrayal – 15 %;

4) poor living conditions – 3 %;

5) other – 4 %.

AFTER THE FIRST DIVORCE ONLY 27 % OF WOMEN REMARRY.

After the first divorce only 27 % of women remarry. If a woman ruins her marriage in her 25–30 years, then maybe after 5 years she will feel that she has no one to choose from. After 35 years, the cause of female loneliness is a clear lack of men due to high mortality. From what we can ascertain, women do not have to choose much in Russia – there are 589 thousand prisoners, 2.5 million drug addicts, of which only 600 thousand are on medical records and 12 million suffering from alcoholism.

After a long conversation about the choice of a spouse, we will certainly broach subject of successfully overcoming difficulties of living together in a family, if not in this, then in the next book.

When I am speaking on these issues, I am full of dreams about Russia. It will be great if Russian Federation would become an example of trustworthiness and faithfulness in family relationships.

What is interesting, – that one of the biggest difficulties in the topic of choosing a husband is not only the opportunity to talk about it in details or to understand what is important step by step. It is also extremely necessary to know things without which it is impossible to start moving even in your thoughts towards the wedding.

You will not be able to find such talks for a young lady for love or money, if for no other reason because she will not share her secrets. Some modest parent’s attempts to suggest "where you need to pay attention for" are always laughed out of court because of the child’s closeness and the challenges of her growing up. But in a little while this girl may herself become a mother. Some tips from the same inexperienced friends are more like the advice from one child to another – how not to share a candy.

It is difficult to talk about a comprehensive approach to choosing a husband, starting even with the fact that the ability to reflect and reason objectively is not developed in many of us, especially in young people. Both the lack of life experience and unwillingness to listen to the elders ties a hard knot in this task. Perhaps it was also the chosen by parent’s one-sided position on this issue when the teenager was still up to 16. And then there is the dominant concept of biochemistry in love. All these components not only do not make practical approach "how to choose a good husband" as clear as a bell. They no longer take into account all the concepts, often mixing them to complete confusion in the young head.

IT IS DIFFICULT TO TALK ABOUT A COMPREHENSIVE APPROACH TO CHOOSING A HUSBAND, STARTING EVEN WITH THE FACT THAT THE ABILITY TO REFLECT AND REASON OBJECTIVELY IS NOT DEVELOPED IN MANY OF US, ESPECIALLY IN YOUNG PEOPLE.

You cannot talk about this topic only once or twice – it will not work. I know this because I had a great experience with many people. It will not work for many reasons:

– the topic is very extensive, you need several approaches, you need time to contemplate;

– while communicating with each other, people often find it complicated to select the necessary and what is even more difficult – paramount factors for choosing a spouse.