Yury Gurkov - Note: To read before the wedding

TO GIVE MORE THAN YOU GET IN RETURN IS THE TRUE EXPRESSION OF LOVE. IT IS ABOUT CLEAR AND SIMPLE CARE.

Example:

“Honey, I love you very much!” When he sits every evening in front of the TV, and the wife first prepares food, then rushes and does in parallel, because there is not enough time in turn, washing dishes, ironing, washing the floors and the rest. At the same time, the husband can repeat more than once in the evening that he loves you, that he has a soft spot for you, that you are the best.

This is not love! Why? Is not the girl supposed to do everything around the house, and the husband's job is to get money? Got it, came, sat down, ate some food, drank, fell asleep a little, limping. After all, in most cases it is!

Let's agree that the book will rarely use the word «love» and vice versa, instead of it – a possible interpretation of its meaning in everyday life and these are – care and actions that confirm that he loves you. And another convention – I will write for girls on behalf of the male sex, but this is also a mirror for young men who choose their own best wife.

Here I want to make a watershed between ‘to love doing nothing’ and ‘to love with caring about your beloved’ in an infinite number of ways. I am for the second option, when you can see the actions in relation to you, and feel the desire to make you even a little happier. Such acts of care and attention cannot include courtship from guys before the wedding, for example, compliments, bouquets of flowers, boxes of chocolates or individual chocolates, theatre trips or evenings in the cafes, going to the parties, birthday parties and so on. Why?

These are just elements of courtship, natural guys’ steps to achieve their goals and intentions. They can be serious and many times more often not serious. Actions can be only for a pastime, for simple carnal delights. And this is exactly what the letters of this book, sequentially folded into tips, and is trying to protect you from.

After saying «a», let's go to «b». You can hear from girls: “I look through a guy and if he only needs me for sex, I immediately drop him”.

Oh… It would be much less reason to write, if most of the young or not very young girls, knew this «subject» on ‘excellent’ mark, they would not be caught like birds in a snare over and over again. Even more often you have to feel sympathetic to the girls’ stories when they fell into this trap and immediately saw so much new in their chosen one that from under the bouquets and compliments was not seen. The chosen one either immediately disappeared after getting what he wanted, or disappeared without getting it.

We will return to the "copybook maxims" for girls more than once. And one of the first essential things, which we briefly have to stop at, because of its location on the surface of the type “let's separate the wheat from the chaff”, is to learn how to separate:

– ostents of love that are not in words and messages, not in moments of hugs;

– lust from a serious relationship;

– how much your chosen one is willing to do something for you and not for himself.

Who among us can love? Why are you asking such a strange question? Everyone can love! It is nothing to do – to love. It is about our desire to be with this special one every minute and every second, to breathe the same air. Then it turns out that love is just sitting next to him or lying down not far from him? Moreover, all this is different with different people. The question is so intimate and unexplained.

Is it worth asking such a question? Believe me, it worth it. This is another key in one of the doors of the suite of your palace of understanding about love. There are many rooms, one after the other, each of a different color and decoration. Open it, let's see what you have there, how you put love on the shelves in this room. And as the word «enfilade» in French means to string on a thread, so you will be interested to see what is on your thread of “the ability to love”.

It is simply necessary to make a small digression here, before the reader loses interest in understanding the theme. The idea is simple: love is not just our sighs, desires and passions. Love is a work in which you can show how do you care about beloved one. You show it all the time – you really love him/ her, you just talk about love – it is obvious that you do not love your partner. At the very beginning of a relationship, excessive talkativeness about feelings and love on the part of a young person is bound to alert, especially if actions with a desire to show it, except for gifts and cafes, are far behind or absent.

The ability to care and love is a real moral work which helps you to calm or encourage, inspire to overcome difficulties, meet your precious after a working day, and many other things like that. And this all has to be learned, just as we first learned to read or write. Moving in the relationship to higher levels is like first we learn how to keep in hand a pen and years after learn calligraphy.

I will use some wonderful images and description of this from the famous author, philosopher, psychologist Erich Fromm from the book "the Art of love".

We learn how to drive a car, we go to courses. We also learn to count at school and learn foreign languages. First, the theory, the rules, and then we go to practice driving, if this is a driver's course. With foreign languages it is the same, everything is very clear – first we learn the rules, then we begin to pronounce the easiest standard phrases. And then we polish this skill for many years, either when we drive a car or speak the new language.

Who said that you can love? Have you studied the theory of how to love? What are the rules, what does the course consist of? Did you study the theoretical part to be able to love? There are so few people. You can safely give an answer – no one even thinks, no one studies the theory. What about the practice? Have you had any practical lessons on how to love (please do not confuse it with sex)? Did you start your practical training with the simplest things of love for your loved one?

Most people are completely sure that they know how to love and that this is not necessary to learn: neither to analyze the theory, nor to engage in incomprehensible practice. This is about as absurd as telling someone who does not know a foreign language that they are already fluent in it, or to convince someone who has never driven a car that he will be able to drive ‘like a snake’ in a car backwards.

The misconception is that people are confident:

– that love is simple;

– that you don't have to learn anything in love.

Therefore, most people are looking for romantic love, a romantic experience that should then lead to marriage. After all, you just need to find an object of love, and then "I know everything and I can do everything". They bend this romantic experience to a person who often does not suit them at all. Not suitable is the person for many reasons, but they do not see it at that moment – it usually happens in the rose and candy period.

ONLY A STOUT – HEARTED MAN CAN PARTLY SACRIFICE HIMSELF TO A LOVED ONE. GIVING YOURSELF TO THE BELOVED FOR MANY YEARS OF FAMILY LIFE IS CHERRY ON THE CAKE!

Love, in which there is no help and care for the beloved – this is another concept, but it is not love. The main principle in love is to give yourself, sacrifice your own energy and capabilities, leaving self-care in the background. What do you like more – to receive gifts, care and attention, or to give? Since giving is the highest manifestation of a person, his spiritual power, it is not difficult for the reader to understand how far or close he is to this level.

Only a stout – hearted man can partly sacrifice himself to a loved one. Giving yourself to the beloved for many years of family life is cherry on the cake! Now let’s have a pause for a minute. Were you taught to give yourself, to live for your loved one? Maybe these thoughts visited you during the most romantic moments? If there is a desire and you think about it – it is good enough! But then, after the wedding, life with a husband is completely different, difficult and complicated. Will you have the desire to give yourself after a working day, after cleaning the apartment, doing homework with the child and cooking a three-liter pot of soup for a week? What do you need to have in your head to make you want this? What should your husband be like, how good should he be, so that you will not change your mind about trying so hard for him?

Here is one of the effective rules of love, in which giving yourself is natural – to show an active interest in the life, rest and development of your loved one.

It cannot hurt to repeat such moments again and slightly «decipher» them. For those who reach out for the development of love, here and now there are opinions that love is (first of all):

– your active actions;

– your desire to do them all the time;

– willing your loved one to live more joyfully, more comfortably, more successfully.

To do this, you need to step outside of your selfishness, your individual self, and your interests, which are "ahead of them" for most people. Selfishness prevents us from doing this, we live first for ourselves. Especially when we live with our parents right before the wedding, before marriage. In well – established families, where there are many children, the older ones help with the education of the younger ones and they know this work. Such work, however, is more of a duty, and we are talking about the desire that arises from feelings for a loved one. Such a desire for a loved one is when you actively take care of him/ her.

Now look back at your relationship, which you have now or it is already in the past. Is your boyfriend active to you, what does he constantly do to make you happier, to make you feel more comfortable, so that you have less household duties and rest more, or cares about your education, getting new knowledge?

If it is so and he really cares about you, I can say that you are very lucky, and he really loves you, he is obsessed with you. You can see his motivation for you. Not only to sigh and reach for intimate overloads.

The ability to love and give yourself can be compared to the overloads that affect a person when falling or taking off abruptly. If a person just stands, he is affected by an overload of 1 g . and those who do not know how to love – stand, do nothing, do not give themselves, do not experience the overload of their body, so that you feel better in many ways.

The other person loves, creates, helps to develop, cares to share with you household duties, creates the mood, saves from moral breakdowns… To make a long story short – he/she experiences overload. This person does more than just talking about feelings, more than just hugs and tenderness. Cosmonauts are trained, have special health data and can tolerate overloads up to 4 g . And the one who gives himself for his beloved is a “cosmonaut”. He is willing to put up with these overloads for you. Such “cosmonauts” are able to make a girl really happy, saddle themselves with up to 3–4 g .

Are there many cosmonauts among ordinary people? There are units. Are there many guys who are ready to do different actions for the sake of their woman, to work hard, to care about their beloved one? Also not many, you can trust me. Look for them; help them to become such persons. But, above all, such work you should try to do on yourself.

The love of two «cosmonauts» will be beautiful, when everyone is eager to compete in a kind way and is in a hurry to do something for a loved one. Even if one of the two aspires to this, it is already good. In such relationships, romance and the desire to make your own fairy tale in your family are great friends and helpers.