Илья Франк - Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not insult you by offering payment. But I would like you to know that I have mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change…"

That is very kind of you.

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do (человек сказал своему врачу, что он не может делать) all the things around the house that he used to do (все вещи по дому, которые он раньше делал: «имел обыкновение делать») . When the examination was complete (когда осмотр был завершен) , he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it (ну, док, я справлюсь с этим: «я могу взять это») . Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me (скажи мне на ясном английском = открыто, что со мной не так; plain — ясный, понятный; простой; ровный /о местности/; равнина) ."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy (ты просто ленивый) ."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife (теперь назови мне медицинский термин, чтобы я мог сказать моей жене) ."

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Now, Doc, I can take it.

What is wrong with him?

You're just lazy.

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient (когда доктор закончил осмотр пациента; complete [kǝmˈpli:t]; patient [ˈpeɪʃ(ǝ)nt]) , he said (он сказал) , "I can't find a cause for your complaint (я не могу найти причину вашей жалобы; complaint [kǝmˈpleɪnt]) . Frankly (откровенно /говоря/) , I think it's due to drinking (я думаю, это из-за выпивания; due — должный, обязанный, ожидаемый) ."

"In that case (в таком случае) ," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober (я вернусь, когда вы будете трезвым, когда протрезвеете) ".

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober".

Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.

A patient came to his dentist (пациент пришел к своему дантисту) with problems with his teeth (с проблемами с зубами) .

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth (у меня желтые зубы) , what do I do? (что мне делать)

Dentist: Wear a brown tie! (носите коричневый галстук; to wear [wɛǝ(r)])

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?

Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

What do I do?

Patient: My hair keeps falling out (мои волосы продолжают выпадать) . What can you give me (что вы можете мне дать) to keep it in? (чтобы сохранить их)

Doctor: A shoebox (коробку от ботинок) .

Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?

Doctor: A shoebox.

My hair keeps falling out.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble? (что представляется проблемой)

Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling (доктор, у меня постоянно такое чувство: «продолжаю получать чувство») that nobody can hear what I say (что никто не слышит, что я говорю) .

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

What seems to be the trouble?

Doctor: You're in good health (вы совершенно здоровы: "вы в добром здравии"; health [helƟ]) . You'll live to be eighty (вы доживете до 80) .

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now (но доктор, мне сейчас 80) .

Doctor: See, what did I tell you (видите, что я вам говорил) .

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty.

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

You're in good health.

See, what did I tell you.

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem (у меня серьезная проблема с памятью; serious [ˈsɪrɪǝs]; memory [ˈmemǝrɪ]) . I can't remember anything! (я ничего не могу запомнить, вспомнить)

Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem? (так, с какого времени у вас эта проблема)

Patient: What problem? (какая проблема)

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!

Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?

Patient: What problem?

I can't remember anything!

A man, after being hurt (человек, после того, как получил повреждения, травму: to hurt — причинить боль, повредить, ушибить) , calls 911 for help (звонит 911 за помощью) .

Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance! (вызовите мне скорую помощь / назовите меня скорой помощью — игра слов: to call — вызывать/называть; ambulance [ˈæmbjulǝns])

Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance! (вы — скорая помощь)

A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.

Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!

Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!

Call me an ambulance!

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes (ударник, уставший от всех шуток про ударников) , decides to change his instrument (решает сменить инструмент) . After some thought (после некоторого раздумья) , he decides on the accordion (он выбирает аккордеон) . So he goes to the music store (и он идет в музыкальный магазин) and says to the owner (и говорит хозяину) , "I'd like to look at the accordions, please (я хочу взглянуть на аккордеоны, пожалуйста) ."

The owner gestures (указывает) to a shelf in the corner (на полку в углу) and says, "All our accordions are over there (все наши аккордеоны вон там) ."

After browsing (после беглого рассматривания; browse — молодые побеги; to browse — ощипывать листья, молодые побеги; пролистывать, небрежно просматривать) , the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner (я думаю, мне подойдет большой красный в углу) ."

The store owner looks at him (смотрит на него) and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you? (вы ударник, не так ли) "

The drummer, crestfallen (упавший духом: crest — гребешок /петуха/ + to fall — падать) , says, "How did you know? (как вы узнали) "

The store owner says, "That 'big red accordion' is the radiator (тот большой красный аккордеон — радиатор; radiator [rædɪˈeɪtǝ(r)]) ."

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument.

After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says, "All our accordions are over there."

After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."

The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"

The store owner says, "That 'big red accordion' is the radiator."

I'd like to look at the accordions, please.

How did you know?

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says (человек заходит в кабинет врача и говорит) , "Doc, I haven't had a bowel (кишка, кишечник) movement (движение) in a week! (доктор, у меня нет стула неделю) " The doctor gives him a prescription (дает ему рецепт) for a mild laxative (мягкого слабительного; laxative [ˈlæksǝtɪv]) and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know (если не поможет, дайте мне знать) ."

A week later (спустя неделю) , the guy is back (человек возвращается) : "Doc, still (по-прежнему) no movement!"

The doctor says, "Hmm, guess (/мне/ кажется) you need (вам нужно) something stronger (что-то сильнее) ," and prescribes (выписывает) a powerful laxative (сильное слабительное; power — мощь) .

Still (все же, тем не менее) another week later (спустя еще неделю: "спустя другую неделю") the poor (несчастный) guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing! (по-прежнему ничего) "

The doctor, worried (обеспокоенный) , says, "We'd better get some more information about you (нам лучше получить побольше информации о вас) to try to figure out what's going on (чтобы попытаться выяснить, что происходит) . What do you do for a living? (что вы делаете "для проживания" = чем вы зарабатываете на жизнь) "

"I'm a musician (я музыкант) ."

The doctor looks up (поднимает глаза) and says, "Well, that's it! (ну, понятно) Here's (здесь: "вот") $10.00. Go get something to eat! (идите купите что-нибудь поесть) "

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."